THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

would regulate your cravat, valuing himself on his | Tickling a parson's nose as 'a lies asleep, menial dexterity

me

I never shall forget meeting my rascal,-I mean the fellow who officiated for me,-in London last winter, I think I see him now,-in a waistcoat that had been mine,-smirking along as if he knew In some parts of Germany, that fellow's office is by law declared infamous, and his posterity incapable of being ennobled. They have hereditary hangmen, or had at least, in the same manner as they had hereditary other great officers of state; and the hangmen's families of two adjoining parishes intermarried with each other, to keep the breed entire. I wish something of the same kind were established in England.

QUEEN MAB.

She is the fairies' midwife; and she comes
In shape no bigger than an agate-stone
On the fore-finger of an alderman,
Drawn with a team of little atomies
Athwart men's noses as they lie asleep :

Her waggon-spokes made of long spinners' legs;
The cover, of the wings of grasshoppers;
The traces, of the smallest spider's web;
The collars, of the moonshine's wat'ry beams:
Her whip, of cricket's bone; the lash, of film:
Her waggoner, a small gray-coated gnat,
Not half so big as a round little worm
Prick'd from the lazy finger of a maid:
Her chariot is an empty bazel nut,
Made by the joiner squirrel, or old grub,
Time out of mind the fairies' coach-makers.
And in this state she gallops night by night
Through lovers' brains, and then they dream of love:
On courtiers' knees, that dream on court'sies straight:
O'er lawyers' fingers, who straight dream on fees:
O'er ladies' lips, who straight on kisses dream;
Which oft the angry Mab with blisters plagues,
Because their breaths with sweetmeats tainted are.
Sometime she gallops o'er a courtier's nose,
And then dreams he of smelling out a suit:
And sometimes comes she with a tithe-pig's tail,

Then dreams he of another benefice :
Sometime she driveth o'er a soldier's neck,
And then dreams he of cutting foreign throats,
Of breaches, ambuscadoes, Spanish blades,
Drums in his ear; at which he starts, and wakes;
Of healths five fathom deep; and then anon
Mab,
And, being thus frighted, swears a prayer or two,
And sleeps again. This is that very
That plats the manes of horses in the night;
And bakes the elf-locks in foul sluttish hairs,
Which, once untangled, much misfortune bodes.

EPITAPH ON A COUNTRY INN-KEEPER.

without
Heu! hark ye, old friend! what, wilt pass,

Taking notice of honest plump Jack?
You see how 'tis with me, my light is burnt out,
And they've laid me here flat on my back.
That light in my nose, once so bright to behold,
That light is extinguish'd at last;

thea

And I'm now put to bed in the dark and the cold,
With wicker, and so forth, made fast.

But now, wilt oblige me? then call for a quart
Of the best, from the house o'er the way;
Drink a part on't thyself, on my grave pour a part,
And walk on,-Friend, I wish thee good day.

TURKISH HARAM.

The Turks do well to shut-at least, sometimes
The women up-because in sad reality,
Their chastity in these unhappy climes

Is not a thing of that astringent quality,
Which in the north prevents precarious crimes,
And makes our snow less pure than our morality;
Has quite the contrary effect on vice.
The sun, which yearly melts the polar ice,

MARKET DAY.

A market's the circle for frolic and glee
Where tastes of all kinds may be suited;
The dasher, the quiz, and the "up-to-all" he,
Pluck "sprees" from the plants in it rooted:

If the joker or queer one would fain learn a place,

Where they would wish for a morning, to lark it;

This is the place where we joke, laugh, and quiz,
And so you should know e'er you lark it;

So the next time, my covey, you here show your
phiz,

Be up to the rigs of the market.

But those who would fain make the voyage of fun
To be found in a populous city,
Should just see the sports I've already begun,
And those at the end of my ditty;
So to those who view life-why a market-day night
Affords a prime region to lark it,
And many's the spree that a comical wight
May reap from the soil of a market.

They need go no farther than just show their face, In that region of mirth, a large market. Spoken.] Do you want 'are a basket woman, your honour?-No, no; I declare I've been so pestered by women.--Have you! by Jasus, I did not think they had such bad taste. Oh, dear oh!--What's the matter my dear?-I've sat down upon a lump of butter. Here make room for this here gentleman through them 'are sacks of potatoes. Buy a leefe, buy a leefe. Where are you shoving? I beg your pardon, sir; but you have put your wet umbrella in my waistcoat Spoken.] What d'ye buy, what d'ye buy. Matches! pocket. Sir, I am very sorry, but it must remain buy a ha'porth of matches; hav'nt tasted food these there for the present; the market is so full I cannot sixteen days. Now, ma'am what will you buy?move.--Well, I never received such himperence in Why, Mr. Butcher, what may be that loss of pok all my life. Then I think you've given more to the a pound?—What! the belly part you mean, ma am; world than has been returned to you. Yes, ma'm, and vy the belly-No; I mean the stomach, the-s that boy has taken more than he'll return to you. sense ma'am, do you think me a butcher, and a zarOh! the little miscreant; he has stolen my reticule; ried man, don't know the belly from the stemars catch him; there he goes; I have it-Oh! don't Now, sir, what are you looking for?-Why I .= open it, there's all my cards fallen out, and-Cards looking for a calf's head-I'!! fetch you a glass ma'am, they appear to be cards of your uncle's.—I don't wish any refiections. Pray, what fish are those" Indeed! sir, it's nothing to you-No ma'am I see it's to a flannel petticoat. Do you want any peas, sir; or any gooseberry-fool? I say, Jack, twig that covey, he's just put a pottle of raspberries in his pocket. Has he; come along Bill, a good squeeze and it's raspberry jam. Do you want any cowcumbers, ma'am?—No; don't annoy me.-Or any turnips, ma'am !-Turnips! no, she has just had them from her last place. Here's your flowers; here's your beauties. Dear me, how delightful; I declare I shall come here every morning and steal some odoriferous. I tell you vot my young'un if you steal any thing here, it will be a hartichoke.-What do you mean you dem rascal ?-Mean! why I mean that I've stood here twenty years, and now I'm able to sit down, and do you knock me down if you can, so take that; there's a rum'un-I'll indict you.--Pho! don't talk to me, because you see

So.

smelts, ma'am.-Aye, I thought they were rather
high.-0 ma! I am so frightened. What at, my
love?-Why that great cod fish fixes his eyes on me
La ma look at those lobsters; they have get a
mouth in every hand; what a droll colour they &e,
ma; they are all black. Yes, my dear, they are fizer
and more uncommon than the red ones. Look at that
dog, he has taken that tongue out of the basket. Na
Yes, he has. James, why don't you run after ba
Yes, ma'am; which way shall I-I say, Nitron-
bone, that 'ere cove has boned a mutton chop. I.
its a lie sir. There, you lie in the gutter. Af
blow. No. There goes the dog that run away
the tongue. Where? There. I don't see him. Pray
sir, have you met a dog with a tongue in his menta
Here's a noise! A noise, to be sure !-Don't y
know where this is? No, where! W
why

phiz,

Be up to the rigs of the market.

But those who would fain make the voyage of
To be found in a populous city,
Should just see the sports I've already begun,
And those at the end of my ditty;
So to those who view life-why a market-day night
Affords a prime region to lark it,
And many's the spree that a comical wight
May reap from the soil of a market.

If the joker or queer one would fain learn a | This is the place where we joke, laugh, and quiz, place, And so you should know e'er you lark it; Where they would wish for a morning to lark So the next time, my covey, you here show yout it; They need go no farther than just show their face, In that region of mirth, a large market. Spoken.] Do you want 'are a basket woman, your honour? No, no; I declare I've been so pestered by women. Have you! by Jasus, I did not think they had such bad taste. Oh, dear oh!-What's the matter my dear?--I've sat down upon a lump of butter. Here make room for this here gentleman through them 'are sacks of potatoes. Buy a leefe, buy a leefe. Where are you shoving? I beg your pardon, sir; but you have put your wet umbrella in my waistcoat pocket. Sir, I am very sorry, but it must remain there for the present; the market is so full I cannot move.-Well, I never received such himperence in all my life. Then I think you've given more to the world than has been returned to you. Yes, ma'm, and that boy has taken more than he'll return to you. Oh! the little miscreant; he has stolen my reticule; catch him; there he goes; I have it-Oh! don't open it, there's all my cards fallen out, and-Cards ma'am, they appear to be cards of your uncle's. Indeed! sir, it's nothing to you-No ma'am I see it's to a flannel petticoat. Do you want any peas, sir; or any gooseberry-fool? I say, Jack, twig that covey, he's just put a pottle of raspberries in his pocket.so. Has he; come along Bill, a good squeeze and it's raspberry jam. Do you want any cowcumbers, ma'am?-No; don't annoy me.-Or any turnips, ma'am !—Turnips! no, she has just had them from her last place. Here's your flowers; here's your beauties. Dear me, how delightful; I declare I shall come here every morning and steal some odoriferous. I tell you vat my young'un if you steal any thing here, it will be a kartichoke.-What do you mean you dem rascal?Mean! why I mean that I've stood here twenty years, and now I'm able to sit down, and do you knock me down if you can, so take that; rum'un-I'll indict you.--Pho! don't talk to

you see

Spoken.] What d'ye buy, what d'ye buv. Ma buy a ha'porth of matches; hav'nt tasted food s sixteen days. Now, ma'am what will you buyWhy, Mr. Butcher, what may be that lumpat a pound?-What! the belly part you man, t vy the belly-No; I mean the stomach, the- : sense ma'am, do you think me a butcher, and a *8. ried man, don't know the belly from the s Now, sir, what are you looking for?-Wəyi looking for a calf's head-I'll fetch you a glass I don't wish any reflections. Pray, what fish set smelts, ma'am.-Aye, I thought they were 715high.-O ma! I am so frightened. What ¤, * love?-Why that great cod fish fixes his eyes of

La ma look at those lobsters; they have ras mouth in every hand; what a droll colour they an ma; they are all black. Yes, my dear, they un !. and more uncommon than the red ones. Lek dog, he has taken that tongue out of the barYes, he has. James, why don't you run abe Es Yes, ma'am; which way shall I-I say, bone, that 'ere cove has boned a mutton chap. 1 its a lie sir. There, you lie in the gatter. A blow. No. There goes the dog that run a the tongue. Where? There. I don't see hum sir, have you met a dog with a tongue in har Here's a noise! A noise, to be sure-Da know where this is? No, where ? why

112

1 THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

Where confusion and mobbing and chaff

Pass on as we merrily lark it;

So if you e'er want a good squeezing and laugh
Come on a full day to the market.

Then the priest

A MAD WEDDING.

ould ask-if Katharine should be his wife, y, by gogs-wouns, quoth he; and swore so loud, Sat, all amaz'd, the priest let fall the book: d, as he stoop'd again to take it up, me mad-brain'd bridegroom took him such a cuff, at down fell priest and book, and book and priest; we take them up, quoth he, if any list. Tra. What said the wench, when he arose again? e. Trembled and shook; for why, he stamp'd, and swore,

if the vicar meant to cozen him.

after many ceremonies done,

calls for wine:-A health, quoth he; as if
had been aboard carousing to his mates
er a storm:-Quaff'd off the muscadel,
threw the sops all in the sexton's face!
ing no other reason,-

that his beard grew thin and hungerly, seem'd to ask him sops as he was drinking. done, he took the bride about the neck; kiss'd her lips with such a clamorous smack, , at the parting, all the church did echo.

DRUNKENNESS AND ITS ENJOYMENTS.

being reasonable, must get drunk ; e best of life is but intoxication: 7, the grape, love, gold, in these are sunk e hopes of all men, and of every nation; out their sap, how branchless were the trunk life's strange tree, so fruitful on occasion:

return,-Get very drunk; and when vake with head-ach, you shall see what then. for your valet-bid him quickly bring e hock and soda-water, then you'll know Sure worthy Xerxes the great king; not the blest sherbet, sublimed with snow

Nor the first sparkle of the desert-spring,
Nor Burgundy in all its sunset glow,
After long travel, ennui, love, or slaughter,
Vie with that draught of hock and soda-water

COCKNEY SPORTSMEN.

On the first of September last crossing Kenningtoncommon I met two cockney sportsmen, dressed out in proper style for the sports of the day. "Hollo!" my good fellow," said I, “have the kindness to turn the muzzle of your gun the other way, don't you should, an't see it's on full cock?" "Vy to be sure that 'ere the vay to carry one's gun?" "Why, no; not the way you ought to carry it. Don't you see the danger of it going off?" "No, I can't say as how I do; I keep it so on purpose." "The devil you do, why?" Why? that's a good one, only look here: now, don't you see if this here flint should hit that there thing, it will strike fire; and then the fire as comes from this here place, goes into that there place, and among this powder, and that makes the To be sure it does." "Vell then, gun go off.' the further off this flint is from that there iron, Pray, an't there less danger of hitting it?" sir," said the other, "might I make so bold as to ask an't a jackdaw fair game?" "Umph! not exactly, unless you could contrive to make the jackdaw white." "I say, Billy, that 'ere's a funny chap that's what I calls a good joke." Vhat a jack hass you must be to ax the gemmen such a question." "Vy not such a jack hass as you was to shoot a jack hass instead of an 'are." "Aye, but that vere all haccident, for you know I never could see wery vell since I burned my heyes on the last first of September." "Indeed! how came that to pass?" "Allowing to the flash going in my face. I'll tell you how it vas; you must know, sir, that on the last first of September, Billy Stitch, the tailor, and I, vent out that day in the morning, to have some sport; so as we were a passing by the Surry theatre, some chaps says, there goes two cockneys; so I turns round to Billy, Billy, says I, I've a great mind, says I, to go and lik'em, says I. So says Bill to me, says he, you had better, says he, let them 'ere chaps alone, says