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BC LLUM versus BOATUM.
Criticism, and the political intrigues of the Cabinet | The counsel for the boat observed, that the bull Ministers of his lofernal Majesty, at Pandemonium, should be noasuited, because in his declaration be the capital of the Infernal Regions.]
had not specified what colour he was; for thus wisely
and thus learnedly spoke the counsel." My lorzi, if There were two farmers, farmer A, and farmer B. the bull was of no colour, he must be of some cowar; Farmer A was seized or possessed of a bull ; farmer and if he was not of any colour, what colour cotid B was seized or possessed of a ferry-boat. Now the the bull be?". This motion was overruled, by obowner of the ferry-boat, having made his boat serving the bull was a white bull, and that itite fast to a post on shore, with a piece of hay twisted is no colour : besides, as was urged, they would rope fashion, or as we say, vulgo vocato, a hay-band. not trouble their heads to talk of coloui itse After he had made his boat fast to a post on shore, asaw, for the law cau colour any thing. This cause it was very natural for a hungry mau to do, he went both bull and boat were acquitted, it being proti
being afterwards left to a reference, upon the antud up town to dinner : farmer B's bull, as it was very that the tide of the river carried them boui a a. natural for a hungry bull te do, came down town to look for a dinner; and the bull observing, discover- upon which an opinion was given, that as the time ing, seeing, and spying out, some turnips in the bot- of the river carried both bull and boat away, berts tom of the ferry-boat, the bull scrambled into the bull and boat had a good action against the water
bailiff, ferry-boat-he eat up the turnips, and, to make an end of his meal, he fell at work upon the hay-band : This opinion being taken, an action was issued. esu the boat being eat from its moorings, floated down upon the traverse, this point of law arose, hus, wie the river, with the bull in it: it struck against a fore, and whither, why, when, and what, whstsers, rock-beat a hole in the bottom of the boat, and whereas, and whereby, as the boat was not a za tossed the bull overboard : whereupon the owner of mentis evidence, how could an oath be adminidas" the bull brought his action against the boat, for run. That point was soon settled by boatum's aiter ing away with the bull: the owner of the boat brought declaring, that for his client he would swea 209 his action against the bull, for running away with the thing. boat. And thus notice of trial was given Bullum
The water-bailiff's charter was then read, bin versus Boatum, Boatum versus Bullum. Now the out of the original record in true law Latin, s counsel for the bull began by saying, “ My lord, and set forth in their declaration that they were at you gentlemen of the jury, we are counsel in this away either by the tide of food or the tide of el, cause for the buli.-We are indicted for running away the charter of the water-bailit' was as follows : 4 with the boat. Now, my lord, we have heard of bali ffi est magistratus in choisi, sa por commibas, e running horses, but never of running bulls before. bus, qui habuerunt finnos, el scalos, claus, ski, Now, my lord, the bull could no more run away with talos, qui swimmare in freshibus, rel saldıśws on the boat, than a man in a coach may be said to run lukis, pondis, canalibus et well boais, sive alr away with the horses ; therefore, my lord, how can prawni, whitini, shrimpi, turbutus solus. Ilu s we punish what is not punishable ? how can we eat not turbots alone, but tärbots and soles bous toutes what is not eatable? or how can we drink what is But now comes the nicety of the law; the lasn not drinkable ? or, as the law says, how can we nice as a new-laid egg, and not to be understood by think on what is not thinkable? Therefore, my lord, addle-headed people. Bullum and Boatura e as we are counsel in this cause for the bull, if the tioned both ebb and food to avoid quibbling; be. jury should bring the bull in guilty, the jury would being proved that they were carried away *** be guilty of a bull.”
by the tide of food, nor by the tide of ebb, be
MISERIES OF HUMAN LIFE.
QUID PRO QUO.
actly upon the top of high water, they were non-
To pay, unpaid, protested, or discounted
A favourite horse fallen lame just as he's mounted ;
Which leaves you minus of the cash you counted But I remember, when the fight was done,
As certain ;--these are paltry things, and yet
A sprightly lady, young and fair,
With arms all nude, aud neck all bare, He was perfumed like a milliner ;
At dinner near a Quaker sat ;
And feeling much disposed to joke,
In playful accents thus she spoke ;
See, friend, I toast thy broad-brimm'd hat." Who, therewith angry, when it next came there. Took it in souff :-and still he smil'd and talk'd;
The Quaker sinil'd and said, “ Thou know'st
I ne'er use healths, nor give a toast,
Else from thy challenge I'd not shrink;
Inclin'd to please so kind a lass,
I cheerfully would take my glass, With many holiday and lady terms
And to thy absent 'kerchief drink.” He question'd me ; among the rest demanded Ny prisoners, in your majesty's behalf. I then, all smarting, with my wounds being cold, Lord Avonmore was apt to take up a first impresTo be so pester'd with a popinjay,
sion of a cause, and it was very difficult afterwards Out of my grief and my impatience,
to obliterate it. Curran was one day most seriously Answer'd neglectingly, I know not what;
annoyed by this babit of Lord Avonmore, and he He should, or he should not ;for be made me mad, took the following whimsical method of correcting it. To see him shine so brisk, and smell so sweet, He and Curran were to dine together at the house of And talk so like a waiting gentlewoman,
a mutual friend, and a large party was assembled, of guns, and drums, and wounds, (God save the many of whom witnessed the occurrences of the mark!)
morning. Curran, contrary to all his usual habits, And telling me, the sovereign'st thing on earth was late for dinner, and at length arrived in the most Nas parmaceti, for an inward bruise;
admirably affected agitation. “Why, Mr. Curran, And that it was great pity, so it was,
you have kept us a full hour waiting dinner for you," hat villainous saltpetre should be digg'd
grumbled out Lord Avonmore. “Oh, my dear lord, Det of the bowels of the harmless earth,
I regret it much-you must know it is not my cusVhieh many a good tall fellow had destroy'd tom, but-I've just been witness to a most melancowardly: and, but for these vile guns,
choly occurrence."--" My God !-you seem terribly e would himself have been a soldier.
moved by it-take a glass of wine-what was i
II ABIT OF ANTICIPATION.
THE TURKISII TITAX.
what was it?”—“I will tell you, my lord, the mo- | had no objection ; but if he preferred the fair game, ment I can collect myself, I had been detained at so be it, he was agreeable to either. court-in the court of chancery—your lordship knows the chancellor sits late.”—“I do I do—but go on.”
GARRICK AND STERNE. —“Well, my lord, I was hurrying bere as fast as ever I could I did not even change my dress—I Sterne, who used his wife very ill, was one day hope I shall be excused for coming in my boots ?"-talking to Garrick in a fine sentimental manner, så
Poh, poh-oever mind your boots-ihe point-praise of conjugal love and fidelity. “ The husband,“ come at once to the point of the story.”—" 0h-I said Sterne, * who behaves unkindly to his vie, de will, my good lord, in a moment-I walked here---serves to have his house burnt over his head." " I would not even wait to get the carriage ready—it you think so," said Garrick, " I hope your house is would have taken time, you know--now there is a insured." market exactly in the road by which I had to passyour lordship may perhaps recollect the market-do you?” “ To be sure I do-go on, Curran-go on His highness was a mau of solemn port, with the story.”-“I am very glad your lordship Shawld to the nose, and beardal to the eyes, remembers the market, for I totally forget the name Snatch'd from a prison to preside at court, of it—the naine-hę name-" * What the devil
His lately bowstrung brother caused his rise ; signifies the name of it, sir ?-it's the Castle Market." He was as good a sovereign of the sort “ Your lordship is perfectly right-it is called the
As any mention'd in the histories Castle Market.-Well, I was passing through that of Cantemir, or Knolles, where few shine very identical Castle Market, when I observed a Save Solyman, the glory of their line. butcher prepariny to kill a calf—he had a huge knife in his hand—it was as sharp as a razor—the calf was He went to mosque in state, and said his prayers standing beside him-he drew the knife to plunge it
With more than “ Oriental scrupulasity; into the animal-just as he was in the act of doing He left to bis vizier all state atiairs,
And show'd but little royal curiosity : so, a little boy about four years old—bis only sonthe loveliest little baby I ever saw, rau suddenly
I know not if he had domestic cares across his path and he killed! O! my God, he
No process proved connubial aninosity; killed-" The child !-the child !--the
Four wives and twice five hundred maids, nike, child !”-vociferated Lord Avonmore.--" No, my
Were ruled as calmly as a christian queen. Lord, the calf," continued Curran, very coolly--" he If now and then there happen'd a slight slip killed the calf-but-your lordship is in the habit of Little was heard of criminal or crime; anticipating."
The story scarcely pass'd a single hip
The sack and sea had settled all in time,
From which the secret nobody could rip: A captain who knew the world, was playing at
The public knew no more than dees tosters piquet with a sharper, and saw him shuiling and No scandals made the daily press a curse placing the cards very adroitly. The captain imme. Morals were better, and the fish no worse. diately did the same, but openly and very deliber- He saw with his own eyes the moon was sol, ately; which the sharper telling him of, he replied, Was also certain that the earth was SM. it was very true be did so, because he thought it was Because he had journey'd fifty miles and in the sharper's common mode of playing, to which he No sign that it was circular any where;
His empire also was without a bound :
FAMILIARITY AND RESERVE. 'Tis true, a little troubled here and there,
Curran once observing a very pompous and soBy rebel pachas, and encroaching giaours, lemn blockhead, who endeavoured, with a most But then they never came to " the Seven Towers;" ludicrous gravity, to conceal his insignificance, he Except in shape of envoys, who were sent
suddenly stopped short—“ Observe that fellow,” said To lodge there when a war broke out, according
dined and breakfasted with him for an To the true law of nations, which ne'er meant hundred years, you could not be intimate with him.
Those scoundrels, who have never had a sword in By heavens he wouldn't even be seen to smile, lest Their dirty diplomatic hands, to vent
the world should think he was too familiar with Their spleen in making strife, and safely wording himself.” Their lies, yclep'd despatches, without risk or
FALSTAFF'S CATECHISM. The singeing of a single inky whisker.
Well, 'tis no matter: honour pricks me on. Yea, He had fifty daughters and four dozen sons,
but how if honour prick me off when I come on? Of whom all such as came of age were stow'd,
how then? Can honour set to a leg? No. Or an The former in a palace, where like nuns
arm ? No. Or take away the grief of a wound ? They lived till some bashaw was sent abroad,
No. Honour hath no skill in surgery then? No:
What is honour? A word. . What is in that word ? When she, whose turn it was, wedded at once,
Honour. What is that honour ? Air. A trim recSometimes at six years old-though this seems odd, koning.–Who hath it? He that died o' Wednesday. Tis true; the reason is, that the Bashaw
Doth he feel it? No. Doth he hear it? No. Is it Must make a present to bis sire in law.
insensible then? Yea, to the dead. But will it not His sons were kept in prison, till they grew live with the living? No. Why? Detraction will Of years to fill a bowsuring or the throne,
not suffer it :-therefore I'll none of it. Honour is One or the other, but which of the two
a mere escutcheon, and so ends my catechism. Could yet be known unto the Fates alone ; Meantime the education they went through
Was princely, as the proofs have always shown: Egan, the Irish barrister, was once engaged in a So that the heir apparent still was found
violent controversy with Mr. Grattan, in which the No less deserving to be hang'd than crown'd. latter designated Mr. E. a black soul writhing in
torments. After this dispute there was not a waiter LEGAL PEARL-DIVERS.
in any considerable town upon the circuit, whose Every barrister can “shake his head," and too first question to the passenger on his entrance to the often, like Sheridan's Lord Burleigh, it is the only hotel was not invariably— Sir, would your honour prool he vouchsafes of his wisdom. Curran used to dine--you can have any fish your honour pleases--
call these fellows“ legal pearl-divers.”—“ You may perhaps your honour would prefer an LGAN."observe them," he would say, " their heads barely " An Egan, friend, what's an Eyan!"-" Lord, under water-their eyes shut, and an index floating sir, I thought Mr. Grattan told every one what an behind them, displaying the precise degree of their Egan was. It is a black soul (sole) fried." purity and their depth." WINE AND WIT.
The miniature, Phyllis, you're showing us now, Wire is such a whetstone for wit, that if it be often Proves the artist with you well acquainted; set thereon, it will quickly grind all the steel out, and That 'tis monstrously like you, we all must allow,, scarcely leave a back where it found an edge. When we see, as we do, that 'tis painted.
AN ODD FISH.
THE FAITHFUL MINIATURE.
ON THE MAP RIAGE OF MISS E. BLACK WITH
MR. T. WHITE.
| age and body of the time his form and pressure.
Now this, overdone, or come tardy ot, though it nie (Written immediately after the Ceremony.)
the upskilful laugh, cannot but make the judicious Mankind may now all error shun;
grieve ; the censure of wbich one, must, in your
allowance, overweigh a whole theatre of others.' 0, Nay, set Dame Nature right;
there be players, that I have seen play, and heard For 1-as Lawyers oft have done,
others praise, and that bighly, not to speak it proCan prove that Black is White.
fanely, that, neither having the accent of christians, nor ihe gait of christian, pagan, nor man, have so
strutted and bellowed, that I have thought some of Said a harsh parish overseer, rude and unfeeling,
nature's journeymen had made men, and not made To a pauper, for alms near the vestry appealing,
them well, they imitated humanity so abominably. “Hence, wretch ! mend your habits, nor dare this
Play. I hope we have reformed that inditiereatly place haunt." “ Amendment (said Lazarus) both of us want;
Ham O, reform it altogether. And let those that But as to my habits, your worship offending, They are mere shreds and tatters, and not worth play your clowns, speak no more than is set duwa se
them for there be of them, that will themselves the mending."
laugh, to set on some quantity of barren spectaturs NAMLET'S INSTRUCTIONS TO THE PLAYERS.
to laugh too; though, in the mean time, some dedes
sary question of the play be then to be considered : Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounce it to that's villainous ; and shows a most pitiful ambition you, trippingly on the tongue : but if you mouth it, in the fool that uses it. as many of our players do, I had as lief the town-crier spoke my lines. Nor do not saw the air too much with your hand, thus : but use all gently : for in the
A gentleman visited Cheltenham, and duriag Lis very torrent, tempest, and (as I may say) whirlwind stay there acquired a most extraordinary habit ar of your passion, you must acquire and beget a tem- perpetually lolling his tongue out of his arth! perance, that may give it smoothness. O, it offends ** What can be mean by it?" said somebody to Cure me to the soul, to hear a robustions perriwig-pated ean.-"Mean by it,” said Curran ; " why he means fellow tear a passion to tatters, to very rags, to split if he can, to catch the English accene," the ears of the groundlings; who, for the most part,
WITLINGS. are capable of nothing but inexplicable dumb shows and noise : I would have such a fellow whipped for of bad wit are the greatest babblers. Many by to
As empty vessels make the loudest soual, so na out-doing Termagant; it out-herods Herod." Pray get wealth, but tone by wealth purchase wi. Play. I warrant your honour.
CHARMS OF A DUEL. Ham. Be not too tame neither, but let your own It has a strange quick jar upon the ear, discretion be your tutor : suit the action to the word, That cocking of a pistol, when you know the word to the action ; with this special observance, A noment more will bring the sight to bear that you o'erstep not the modesty of nature : for any Upon your person, twelve yards off, or so, thing so overdone is from the purpose of playing, A gentlemanly distance, not too near, whose end, both at the first, and now, was, and is, to If you have got a former friend for foe; hold, as 'twere, the mirror up to nature; to show virtue But after being fired at once or twice, her own feature, scorn her own image, and the very | The ear becomes more Irish, and less nice.
CATCHING AX ACCENT.
you, avoid it.