Abbildungen der Seite
PDF

making provision for the large family he has provided him, by debauching his wife, daughter, or sister. A good fellow is one who borrows money of all those persons who are weak enough to trust him, without ever giving himself the smallest concern about repayment, which he spends freely, or gives away, during the little time it lasts; and who ruins more girls, drinks more liquor, sings more songs, gives more toasts, belongs to more drunken societies, and sits up more nights, than any other person whatever. N. B. When he happens to i. in possession a good deal of property of his own, he is, while it lasts, usually and emphatically called, a good fellow ; but when his money and credit are both exhausted, so that he is obliged to sing, drink and tell stories, for the entertainment of those who pay his shot, he degenerates into a good companion. At good husband is one who never opposes his wife's inclinations, or arraigns her conduct, however absurd or unreasonable. -s good wife is one who never opposes her husband's inclinations, or arraigns his conduct, however absurd or unreasonable. There are, besides these, a variety of other good Z2/4s, the characteristics of whom will readily occur to most readers, though no extraordinary § o of living models have perhaps lately appeared: suc as good generals, good admirals, good authors, good Players, good critics, and a variety of others. But 1 he specimens already produced will abundantly prove that the world is not so destitute of goodness as some pretended moralists have dared to insinuate.

rarelic ion.

Men will wrangle for religion; write for it; fight for it; die for it; any thing but—live for it. Ancestro AL ENortm ITIES. Three thousand years, if I count right, Have heard the critics Homer cite, (His poem's good 'tis true;)

But what can hide the poet's shame,"

INo one can tell from whence he came—
The son of lord-knows-who

Virgil, who sang of war and farming,
His case is nearly as alarming,
Though Caesar spoke him well :
Much did the thoughtless muse mistake her,
Who chose the issue of a baker
Such wondrous tales to tell.

Alas! who into hist'ry pushes
Will find perpetual cause for blushes—
There's Athens—shocking place :
Demosthenes declaim'd with pith,
But he was gotten by a smith,
To Attica's disgrace.
I'm really puzzled to proceed;—
To write what 'tis n’t fit to read
All decent pens refuse:
There's Socrates, so wise and pure,
Was born of an old accoucheur, -
I should say accoucheuse.

So with the ancients let's have done,
Who, every man and mother's son,
Were but of yesterday;
One more—that Esop—was there ever !—
A slave write fables!—I shall never !—
'Tis now high time to stay!
But with the moderns shall we gain *
Faith that's a case that's not quite plain;
Piron's papa sold drugs;
A mere upholsterer got Moliere,
And Rollin was a cutler's heir,
And What's-his-name made jugs.
Rousseau—(not Jacques, but Jean Baptiste)
Whose odes to read are quite a feast—
His ancestor made shoes:
And is not Jaques himself as bad,
Who took a watchmaker for dad,
Our patience to abuse !
At home, if curieus to know
The parent-stocks of So-and-so,
We'll find the bad turn'd worse ;
Milton, for all his epic fire,
Claims but a scriv'ner for his sire—
And he to write blank verse'

Some folks affirm the proof is full,
That Shakspeare senior dealt in wool—
Let's hope it is the case :
For, though one scorns in fleece to deal,
Where he a butcher" all must feel
'Twould his poor son disgrace.
I'm glad to find there is a doubt
From what trunk Chaucer was a sprout;-
A noble one some say:
But whispers go, that Chaucer's father
A vintner was or cobbler rather—
Hence his French name—Chaucier.
In short, the man of generous mind
Who views the world, must loathe his kind;
Such facts his feelings hurting;
The elder Pope, whose boy wrote satires,
Kept a cheap warehouse, next a hatter's,
Where he sold Irish shirting

[merged small][ocr errors]

Imprimis.-For my soul, I confess, I have heard very inuch of souls, but what they are, or who they are, or what they are for, God knows, I know not; they tell me now of another world, where I never was, nor do I know one foot of the way thither. While the king stood, I was of his religion, made my son wear a cassock, and thought to make him a bishop ; but then came the Scots and made me a presbyterian ; and since Cromwell entered I have been an independent. These, I believe, are the kingdom's three estates, and if any of these can save a soul, I may claim one; therefore if my executors do find I have a soul, I give it to him who gave it to me.

Item.—I give my body, for I cannot keep it, to be

o Some give it for the wool-merchant, others for the buter.

buried. Do not lay me in the church poro, for was a lord, and would not be buried where Coot, Pride was born. Item.—My will is, that I have no monorest, f, then I must have epitaphs and verses, and all ray L. long I had too much of them. Item.—I give all my deer to the Earl of Sosri who I know will preserve them, because 'e ce-e the king a buck out of one of his own Paris. Item.—I give nothing to Lord Say , which roar I give him because I know he will bestow it of th

[ocr errors][ocr errors][ocr errors]

The wind blows out; the bubble dies r >
The spring entomb'd in autumn lies :
The dew dries up ; the star is shot :
The flight is past, and man forgot.

ON A FAT MAN.

If fat men ride, they tire the horse,
And if they walk, themselves—that's worse:
Travel at all, they are at best,
Either oppressors—or opprest.

voyage to tant Anus.

I do remember—not a 'pothecary
But one warm evening when well fill'd with
drink,
And having found my wine too hot to carry,
I laid myself most merry in a sink;
And there when Somnus plac'd his leaden hand
Upon my eyes, and call'd Squire Morpheus in,
I had such dreams, so glorious and so grand,
That to conceal them were a grievous sin;
And therefore, with all due and meet celerity,
I dedicate them hereby to posterity.

Whether they issued from the iron gate,
Or gate of horn, I stop not to inquire,
Hereafter let my commentators prate,
And full of learned notes fill quire on quire.
I only shall relate the naked fact,
Of which my gentle reader need not doubt,
which was, that as I snor'd and lay compact,
Good drink within, and puddle all without,
The muse, descending from Parnassian station,
Inspir'd my soul with heavenly contemplation.

[We are obliged to leave out some verses on the voyage, and come to where they get in sight of the coast.] The joyful sailor, from the mast-head high, Shonted aloud “Hell, we're in sight of Hell !" “Hell,” says the helmsman, turning up his eye,

“Hell,” says the captain, “keep an eye a-head, Clew up the topsails, 'tis a steady gale, Watch well your soundings—damn you, heave the lead— Jack, north north-east;-Jem, yonder pilot hail, And Jack, I say, hide the run brandy well, Gaugers are devils on earth—what must they be in Hell ?” [Three or four stanzas are omitted here, describing the coast in the manner of the voyage to Loo Choo.] There was Azazel, drunk as any lord, His mast-high standard flagging in his hand; Belphegor, too, like him of Perigord, Limp'd nimbly up and down along the strand, And there was Beelzebub and Lucifer, And many other gentlemen beside, For all the quality of Hell came there, As decent people as I ever spied. Room to relate their names I cannot spare, Besides, I don't remember what they were.

And some in flour-of-brimstone arbours sat,
And play'd angelical, as Milton says,
(Book second, line five hundred forty-eight.)
Infernal music to infernal lays.
Glad was my soul, and straight I cock'd my ear.
For fourth, fifth, octave, sixth, and either third,
Hoping to make it ...} appear
The style of modern Hell was most absurd.:
And then to write a learn'd convincing letter,
To prove their ancient music was much better
But I shall speak the truth and shame the devil,
Although from Hell I’ve only made a sortie–
For I must say their playing was not evil,
And savoured more ...} accent than of forte.
Such as of yore they play'd in ancient Greece,
When old i. tickled Alexander,
And I was much delighted with a piece,
Droned on the bag-pipes by a Salamander.
Besides when asked which concord had most worth
The fourth or fifth they all sung out the fourth!

[The remaining stanzas contain remarks on the

[ocr errors]

Literature and State of the Fine Arts in Hell, Stage Criticism, and the political intrigues of the Cabinet Ministers of his Infernal Majesty, at Pandemonium, the capital of the Infernal Regions.]

pu llu Mi verstow boat U M. There were two farmers, farmer A, and farmer B. Farmer A was seized or possessed of a bull; farmer B was seized or possessed of a ferry-boat. Now the owner of the ferry-boat, having made his boat fast to a post on shore, with a piece of hay twisted rope fashion, or as we say, vulgo vocato, a hay-band. After he had made his boat fast to a post on shore, as it was very natural for a hungry man to do, he went up town to dinner; farmer B's bull, as it was very natural for a hungry bull to do, came down town to look for a dinner; and the bull observing, discovering, seeing, and spying out, some turnips in the bottom of the ferry-boat, the bull scrambled into the ferry-boat—he eat up the turnips, and, to make an end of his meal, he fell at work upon the hay-band : the boat being eat from its moorings, floated down the river, with the bull in it: it struck against a rock—beat a hole in the bottom of the boat, and tossed the bull overboard : whereupon the owner of the bull brought his action against the boat, for runing away with the bull: the owner of the boat brought his action against the bull, for running away with the boat. And thus notice of trial was given Bullum versus Boatum, Boatum versus Bullum. Now the counsel for the bull began by saying, “My lord, and you gentlemen of the jury, we are counsel in this cause for the bull.—We are indicted for running away with the boat. Now, my lord, we have heard of running horses, but never of running bulls before. Now, my lord, the bull could no more run away with the boat, than a man in a coach may be said to run away with the horses; therefore, o lord, how can we punish what is not punishable? how can we eat what is not eatable 1 or how can we drink what is not drinkable? or, as the law says, how can we think on what is not thinkable 1 Therefore, my lord, as we are counsel in this cause for the bull, if the jury should bring the bull in guilty, the jury would

e guilty of a bull.”

The counsel for the boat observed, that the bus | should be nonsuited, because in his declaration he had not specified what colour he was; for thus wisely and thus learnedly spoke the counsel.-" My lord, if the bull was of no colour, he must be of some colour; and if he was not of any colour, what colour cood the bull be?" This motion was overruled, by coserving the bull was a white bull, and that white is no colour : besides, as was urged, they should not trouble their heads to talk of colour in the law, for the law can colour any thing. This carbeing afterwards left to a reference, upon the award both bull and boat were acquitted, it being povthat the tide of the river carried them both away. upon which an opinion was given, that as the toe of the river carried both bull and boat away, to bull and boat had a good action against the water. bailiff.

This opinion being taken, an action was issued, to upon the traverse, this point of law arose, how, "refore, and whither, why, when, and what, whatsor, whereas, and whereby, as the boat was not a rootmentis evidence, how could an oath be admini------That point was soon settled by boatum's attedeclaring, that for his client he would swear *** thing.

The water-bailiff's charter was then read, tourout of the original record in true law Latin, -o-o set forth in their declaration that they were arred away either by the tide of flood or the tide of ete, the charter of the water-bailiff was as follows: -ssbaffi est magistratus in choisi, sapore-roas, otobus, qui habuerunt finnos, et scalas, rates, so o, ... talos, qui swimmare in freshibus, rel saltijos ---> lakis, pondis, canalibus et well boats, sirr -osprawni, whitini, shrimpi, turbutus sofus. Rou not turbots alone, but twrbots and soles both tes--> But now comes the nicety of the law ; the law n = nice as a new-laid egg, and not to be understoo. As addle-headed people. Bullum and Boatum extioned both ebb and flood to avoid quibbling i to being proved that, they were carried away --> by the tide of flood, nor by the tide of ebb, to e

[blocks in formation]

But I remember, when the fight was done, When I was dry with rage and extreme toil, Breathless and faint, leaning upon my sword, Came there a certain lord, neat, trin.ly dress'd, Fresh as a bridegroom; and his chin new reap'd, Show'd like a stubble land at harvest home; He was perfumed like a milliner; And 'twixt his finger and his thumb he held A pouncet box, which ever and anon He gave his nose and took’t away again; Who, therewith angry, when it next came there. Took it in snuff:-and still he smil'd and talk'd; And, as the soldiers bore dead bodies by, He call'd them—untaught knaves, unmannerly, To bring a slovenly unhandsome corse Betwixt the wind and his nobility. With many holiday and lady terms He question'd me: among the rest demanded My prisoners, in your majesty's behalf. then, all smarting, with my wounds being cold, To be so pester'd with a popinjay, Qut of my grief and my impatience, Answer'd neglectingly, I know not what; lie should, or he should not;-for he made me mad, To see him shine so brisk, and smell so sweet, And talk so like a waiting gentlewoman, 9 guns, and drums, and wounds, (God save the mark :) And telling me, the sovereign'st thing on earth "as parmaceti, for an inward bruise; And that it was great pity, so it was, hat villainous saltpetre should be digg'd 'ut of the bowels of the harmless earth, Which many a good tall fellow had destroy'd * cowardly : and, but for these vile guns,

MISERIES OF Hum An Life.

A scolding wife, a sullen son, a bill
To pay, unpaid, protested, or discounted
At a per-centage; a child cross, dog ill,
A favourite horse fallen lame just as he's mounted;
A bad old woman making a worse will,
Which leaves you minus of the cash you counted
As certain ;-these are paltry things, and yet
We rarely see the man they i. not fret.

QUID PRO Quo.

A sprightly lady, young and fair,
With arms all nude, and neck all bare,
At dinner near a Quaker sat ;
And feeling much disposed to joke,
In playful accents thus she spoke 5–
“See, friend, I toast thy broad-brimm'd hat.”
The Quaker smil'd and said, “Thou know'st
I ne'er use healths, nor give a toast,
Else from thy challenge I’d not shrink;
Inclin'd to please so kind a lass,
I cheerfully would take my glass,
And to thy absent 'kerchief drink.”

in a bit or a NT ICIPATION.

Lord Avonmore was apt to take up a first impression of a cause, and it was very difficult afterwards to obliterate it. Curran was one day most seriously annoyed by this habit of Lord Avonmore, and he took the following whimsical method of correcting it. He and Curran were to dine together at the house of a mutual friend, and a large party was assembled, many of whom witnessed the occurrences of the morning. Curran, contrary to all his usual habits, was late for dinner, and at length arrived in the most admirably affected agitation. “Why, Mr. Curran, you have kept us a full hour waiting #: for you,” grumbled out Lord Avonmore. “Oh, my dear lord, I regret it much—you must know it is not my custom, but—I've just been witness to a most melancholy occurrence.”—“My God!—you seem terribly

• would himself have been a soldier.

[ocr errors]
« ZurückWeiter »