« ZurückWeiter »
Criticism, and the political intrigues of the Cabinet Ministers of his Infernal Majesty, at Pandemonium, the capital of the Infernal Regions.]
BU LLu Mi verstos BoAT U M . There were two farmers, farmer A, and farmer B. Farmer A was seized or possessed of a bull; farmer B was seized or possessed of a ferry-boat. Now the owner of the ferry-boat, having made his boat fast to a post on shore, with a piece of hay twisted Å. fashion, or as we say, vulgo vocato, a hay-band. After he had made his boat fast to a post on shore, as it was very natural for a hungry man to do, he went up town to dinner; farmer B's bull, as it was very natural for a hungry bull to do, came down town to look for a dinner; and the bull observing, discovering, seeing, and spying out, some turnips in the bottom of the i.i. the bull scrambled into the ferry-boat—he eat up the turnips, and, to make an end of his meal, he fell at work upon the hay-band: the boat being eat from its moorings, floated down the river, with the bull in it: it struck against a rock—beat a hole in the bottom of the boat, and tossed the bull overboard : whereupon the owner of the bull brought his action against the boat, for runing away with the bull: the owner of the boat brought his action against the bull, for running away with the boat. And thus notice of trial was given Bullum versus Boatum, Boatum versus Bullum. Now the counsel for the bull began by saying, “My lord, and you gentlemen of the jury, we are counsel in this cause for the bull.—We are indicted for running away with the boat. Now, my lord, we have heard of running horses, but never of running bulls before. Now, my lord, the bull could no more run away with the boat, than a man in a coach may be said to run away with the horses; therefore, o lord, how can we punish what is not punishable? how can we eat what is not eatable 7 or how can we drink what is not drinkable 2 or, as the law says, how can we think on what is not thinkable? Therefore, my lord, as we are counsel in this cause for the bull, if the lo should bring the bull in guilty, the jury would we guilty of a bull.”
tly upon the top of high water, they were nonled; but such was the lenity of the court, upon of Paying all costs, they were allowed to begin in, de novo.
notspur's description of A for.
I remember, when the fight was done, on I was dry with rage and extreme toil, athless and faint, leaning upon my sword, it there a certain lord, neat, trin.ly dress'd, has a bridegroom; and his chin new reap'd, *'d like a stubble land at harvest home; was perfumed like a milliner; 'twixt his finger and his thumb he held uncet box, which ever and anon ave his nose and took't away again; , therewith angry, when it next came there. it in snuff:-and still he smil'd and talk'd; as the soldiers bore dead bodies by, ill'd them—untaught knaves, unmannerly, ing a slovenly unhandsome corse at the wind and his nobility. many holiday and lady terms testion'd me ; among the rest demanded isoners, in your majesty's behalf. , all smarting, with my wounds being cold, so pester'd with a popinjay, my grief and my impatience, r'd neglectingly, I know not what ; ould, or he should not ;-for he made me mad, him shine so brisk, and smell so sweet, lk so like a waiting gentlewoman, is, and drums, and wounds, (God save the ark 1) ling me, the sovereign'st thing on earth rmaceti, for an inward bruise; at it was great pity, so it was, slainous saltpetre should be digg'd the bowels of the harmless earth, many a good tall fellow had destroy'd traly: and, but for these vile guns,
MISERIES OF Hum AN LIFE,
A scolding wife, a sullen son, a bill
QUID PRO QUO.
A sprightly lady, young and fair,
IIABIT or Anticipation.
Lord Avonmore was apt to take up a first impression of a cause, and it was very difficult afterwards to obliterate it. Curran was one day most seriously annoyed by this habit of Lord Avonmore, and he took the following whimsical method of correcting it. He and Curran were to dine together at the house of a mutual friend, and a large party was assembled, many of whom witnessed the occurrences of the morning. Curran, contrary to all his usual habits, was late for dinner, and at length arrived in the most admirably affected agitation. “Why, Mr. Curran, you have kept us a full hour waiting #: for you,” grumbled out Lord Avonmore. “Oh, my dear lord, I regret it much—you must know it is not my custom, but—I've just been witness to a most melancholy occurrence.”—“My God!—you seem terribly
ld himself have been a soldier.
great vigour and vivacity, protesting he had got a famous “happetite,” and felt “as ungry as an ound.” “I never say any thing to discourage any body,” said Mr. Croak, “particularly young people; it's a thing I hate, but t'other day a fine lad sate down to his dinner in this very packet, after being sea-sick, just as you may be doing now, when it turned out he had broke a blood-vessel, and in twelve hours he was a corpse, and a very pretty one he made.” “I'm not going to be choused out of my dinner for all that,” replied the youth, munching away with great industry, and at the same time calling out— * Steward's take away this porter-pot, it runs.”—“I doubt that,” cried Smart.—"I say it does,” resumed Dick angrily, “the table-cloth is all of a sop."— “I’ll bet you half a crown it doesn't.” Done and done ! were hastily exchanged, when Mr. Smart, looking round with a smirk, exclaimed—“Ladies and Gentlemen, I appeal to every one of you whether the pot has not been perfectly still, and nothing has been running but the beer.” This elicited a shout at poor Dick's expense, who sullenly muttered, “I’m not going to be bamboozled out of an 'alf-crown in that there vay, and vat's more, I won't be made a standing joke by no man.” “I don't see how you can,” replied his antagonist, “so long as you are sitting.” —“Vy are you like a case of ketchup !" cried Dick, venturing for once to become the assailant, and immediately replying to his own inquiry, “because you are a saucebox.”—“Haw! haw ('' roared his mother, “bravo, Dicks well done, Dick—there’s a proper rap for you, Mr. Smart.” Dick now changed the conversation, by observing that it would luckily be “’igh-water in the arbour when they arrived.”— “Then I recommend you by all means to use some of it.” said the pertinacious Mr. Smart, “perhaps it may cure your squint.” Both mother and son rose up in wrath at this personality, and there would j have been a bourTasque (as the French say) in the hold, but that there was then a tremendous concussion upon the ‘leck, occasioned by the fall of the main-boom, and followed by squeaks and screams, of all calibres, from
THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER,
The odds at any race or match; "is a dead hand at pigeon-shooting; Could bick up rows—knock down the watch— Play truant and the rake at random— rink—tie cravats—and drive a tandem. Remonstrance, fine, and rustication, So far from working reformation, Seem'd but to make his lapses greater, Till he was warn'd that next offence "ould have this certain consequence— Expulsion from his Alma Mater. 'he need not be a necromancer To guess that, with so wild a wight, The next offence occurr'd next night; When our Incurable came rolling Home as the midnight chimes were tolling, od rang the College bell.—No answer.— * “econd peal was vain—the third Made the street echo its alarum; hen to his great delight he heard e sordid Janitor, old Ben, ising and growling in his den. Who's there? I s'pose young Harum-scarum.” sis I, my worthy Ben—'tis Harry.” of, so I thought, and there you'll tarry. past the hour—the gates are closed, ou know my orders—I shall lose ly place if I undo the door.”— ld I"—(young Hopeful interposed) , Shall be expell'd o refuse, nthee"—Ben began to snore.— a wet,” cried Harry, “to the skin,
DEFINITION OF WIT,
To draw in customers, our bills are spread; A certain bishop said to his chaplain : “What is You cannot miss the sign, 'tis Shakspeare's Head. wit?” The chaplain replied, “The rectory of A.... is From this same head, this fountain-fiead divine, vacant, give it to me, and that will be wit.” “Prove For different palates springs a different wine ; it,” said his lordship, “ and you shall have it.” “I In which no tricks to strengthen or to thin 'emwould be a good thing well applied,” rejoined the Neat as imported—no French brandy in 'emchaplain. The dinner daily prepared for the royal Hence for the choicest spirits fows Champagne, chaplains at St. James's was reprieved, for a time, Whose sparkling atoms shoot thro' every vein, from suspension, by an effort of wit. King Charles Then mount in magic vapours to th' enraptur'd brain ! had appointed a day for dining with his chaplains ; Hence flow for martial minds potations strong, and it was understood that this step was adopted as And sweet love-potions for the fair and young : the least unpalatable mode of putting an end to the For you my hearts of oak, for your regale, dinner. It was Dr. South's turn to say the grace:
(To the upper gallery, and whenever the king honoured his chaplains with There's good old English stipgo, mild and stale. his presence, the prescribed formula ran thus : “God For high, luxurious souls, with luscious smack, save the king, and bless the dinner.” Our witty di- There's Sir John Falstaff in a butt of sack; vine took the liberty of transposing the words, by And of the stronger liquers more invite ye, saying, “ God bless the king, and save the dinner." Bardolph is gin, and Pistol aqua vitæ. “ And it shall be saved," said the monarch. But should you call for Falstati, where to find him,
The blaze of wit in the School for Scandal asto- He's gone - nor left one cup of sack behind him. nishes us less when we remember that the writer bad Sunk in his elbow chair, no more he'll roam, it in his power to frame both the question and the No more with merry wags to Eastcheap come; answer ; the reply and the rejoinder ; the time and He's gone-to jest and laugh, and give us seci u the place. He must be a poor proficient, who can home. not keep up the game, when both the ball, the wall, As for the learned critics, grave and deep, and the racket, are at his sole command.
Who catch at words, and catching fall asleep :
For such our master will no liquor drawNelson, when young, was piqued at not being so blindly thoughtful, and so darkly read, noticed, in a certain paragraph of the newspapers, They take Tom Durfey's for the Shakspeare's Head which detailed an action, wherein he had assisted ; A vintner once acquir'd both praise and gaan, “ But never mind," said he, “ I will one day have And sold much Perry for the best Champagne. a Gazette of my own."
Some rakes this precious stuff did so allure.
They drank whole nights-what's that when THE WINTER'S TALE, AND
is pure ?
'Come, fill a bumper, Jack."-"I will, my Lond."To various things the stage has been compar'd, Here's cream ! - damn'd fine !-immense! po As apt ideas strike each humorous bard:
my word! This night, for want of better simile,
Sir William, what say you?"_" The best, bele Let this our theatre a tavern be:
me." The poets vintners, and waiters we.
“ In thismeh, Jack ?-the devil can't deceire Be" So, as the cant and custom of the trade 18,
I bus the wise critic 100, mistakes his wine; You're welcome, gem'men, kindly welcome ladies. Cries out, with lifted lands—'Tis great! divine!
CATHERINE AND PETRUCHIO.