THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

her neighbour, and was proceeding to manifest ber
displeasure in no very measured terms, when she was
fortunately separated from her antagonist, and home
down the hatchway by the dinner-desiring crowd,
though sundry echoes of the words "jackanapes!"
and
confused gabble of the gangway.
imperent fellow?" contiuued audible above the

44

so high and mighty, she may find her own way down. who began to take in high dudgeon this horse-play of What! she's afraid of spoiling her fine shawl, I reckon, though you and I remember Mrs. Hoggins, when her five-shilling Welsh-wittle was kept for Sunday's church, and good enough too, for we all know what her mother was. Good Heavens! here comes Undertaker Croak, looking as down in the mouth as the root of my tongue; do let me get out of his way; I wouldn't sit next to him for a rump and dozen, he does tell such dismal stories that it quite gives one as she had satisfied the first cravings of her appetite, "Well, but Mr. Smart," cried Mrs. Suet, as soon the blue devils, He is like a nightmare, isn't he Mr." Smart?" He may be like a mare by night," replied explain what it is that makes them wheels go round you promised to tell me all about the steam, and Mr. Smart, with a smirking chuckle, sider him more like an ass by day.-He! he he!" when Jem Ball drives the trotting mare." “Why, but I con- and round as fast as those of our one-horse cbay, Looking round for applause at this sally, he held out ma'am, you must understand-"" Who called fr his elbows, and taking a lady, or rather a female, sandwiches and a tumbler of negus?" bawled the under each arm, he danced towards the hatchway, steward." Who called for savages and a tumbl.sg exclaiming, "Now I am ready trussed for table, liver negres ?" repeated Mr. Smart.-" Yes, ma'am, you under one wing and gizzard under the other." a civil tongue in your head, Mr. Smart; I don't quite there's a thing goes up and a thing goes down, all 'Keep saw the machinery, I believe (capital boiled beef) understand being called a liver-look at the sparks made of iron; well, that's the hydrostatic principle; coming out of the chimney, I declare I'm frightened then you put into the boiler-(a nice leg of mutton, to death." "Well, then you are of course no longer Mrs. Sweetbread)-let me see, where was I1-In a liver," resumed the facetious Mr. Smart; "so we the boiler, I believe. Ah! it's an old trick of mine may as well apply to Mr. Croak to bury you." Gemini! don't talk so shocking; I had rather never they turn all the smoke that comes from the area "O to be getting into hot water. So, ma'am, you see die at all, than have such a fellow as that to bury to the wheels, and that makes them spin round, just 'Dickey, my dear!" cried Mrs. Cleaver to as the smoke-jack in our chimnies turns the st her son, who was leaning over the ship's side with a and then there's the safety-valve in case of danger, most woe-begone and emetical expression of coun- which lets all the water into the fire, and so pats est tenance, "hadn't you better come down to dinner? the steam at once. There's a nice silver side of a round o' beef, and the when once you understand the trigonometry of t You see, ma'am, it's very simple, chump end of a line o' mutton, besides a rare hock of" O perfectly, but I never had it properly explai bacon, which I dare say will settle your stomach." to me before. It's vastly clever, isn't it? How end "O mother," replied the young cockney, cold beef steak and inguns vat you put in the pocket-sallad?" "La, it isn't dressed; what a shame!" "that 'ere they think of it?" "Shall I give you a little of de handkerchief, vasn't good, I do believe, for all my hinsides are of a work." "Not at all," cried Smart, "none of us dressed "Tell 'em it's a holiday," for dinner, so that we can hardly expect it to be cried Smart. "O dear, O dear!" continued Dick, dressed for us. whose usual brazen tone was subdued into a lacka- that, Mrs. H. ?" exclaimed Mrs. Suet, turning >> He! be! he !" daisical whine, "I vant to reach and I can't-vat Mrs. Hoggins, "Did you best shall I do, mother?" "Stand on tiptoe, my darling,' "that was a good one, warn't sl replied Smart, imitating the voice of Mrs. Cleaver, Drat it, Smart, you are a droll one." Here the company were alarmed by a temfed

me.' "

now,

groan from Mr. Croak, who ejaculated, "Heaven "Well," exclaimed Mrs. Sweetbread, "I never have mercy upon us! did you hear that whizzing tasted such beer as this-flat as ditch-water, they noise ?-there it is again! there's something wrong should have put it upon the cullender to let the water in the boiler-if it bursts, we shall all be in heaven run out; and yet you have been drinking it, Smart, in five minutes." "The Lord forbid !" ejaculated and never said any thing about it." "Madam," retwo or three voices, while others began to scream, plied the party thus addressed, laying his hand upon and were preparing to quit their places, when the his heart, and looking very serious, "I make it a rule steward informed them it was nothing in the world never to speak ill of the dead. I am eating the ham, but the spare steam which they were letting off. you see, and yet it would be much better if I were "Ah, so they always say," resumed Croak, with an to let it exemplify one of Shakspeare's soliloquiesincredulous tone and woe-begone look; but it was Ham-let alone."- -"La! you're such a wag," cried just the same on board the American steam-boat that Mrs. Hoggins, there's no being up to you; but if I was telling you of-fifty-two souls sitting at dinner, you don't like the ham, take a slice of this edge-bone laughing and chatting for all the world as we are nothing's better than cold beef." "I beg your when there comes a whiz, such as we heard a pardon, Madam," replied the indefatigable jokerwhile ago-God help us! there it is once more-and" cold beef's better than nothing-Ha! ha! ha!" bang! up blew the boiler-fourteen people scalded to "How do you find yourself now, my darling?" death-large pieces of their flesh found upon the said Mrs. Cleaver to her son, who had been driven banks of the river, and a little finger picked up next below by a shower, and kept his hat on because, as day in an oyster-sheil, which by the ring upon it was he said, his 'air was quite vet. Vy, mother, I known to be the captain's. But don't be alarmed, have been as sick as a cat, but I'm bang up now, ladies and gentlemen, I dare say we shall escape any and so peckish that I feel as if I could heat any thing." scalding, as we're all in the cabin, and so we shall" Then just warm these potatoes," said Smart, handonly go to the bottom smack! Indeed we may arrive safe-they do sometimes, and I wish we may now, for nobody loves a party of pleasure more than I do. I hate to look upon the gloomy side of things when we are all happy together, (here another groan,) and I hope I haven't said any thing to lower the spirits of the company."

ing him the dish, "for they are almost cold." "I'll
thank you not to run your rigs upon me," quoth the
young cockney, looking glumpish," or I shall fetch you
a vipe with this here hash-stick. If one gives you a
hinch, you take a hell."
"Never mind him, my
dear," cried his mother" eat this mutton-chop, it
will do you good; there's no gravy, for Mr. Smart
has all the sauce to himself. Haw! haw! haw !"-

"

"There's no occasion," cried Smart, "for I saw the steward putting water into every bottle of brandy." Very good!" exclaimed the latter, clapping his The laugh excited by this bon-mot tended in some hands, "egad! Ma'am, you are as good a wag as degree to dissipate the alarm and gloom which the your own double chin." This was only ventured in boding Mr. Croak had been infusing into the party; a low tone of voice, and as the fat dame was at that and Smart, by way of fortifying their courage, bade moment handing the plate to her son, it was fortuthem remark that the sailors were obviously under no nately unheard. Dick being still rather giddy, consort of apprehension. Ay," resumed the persevering trived to let the chop fall upon the floor, an occurMr. Croak," they are used to it-it is their business rence at which Mr. Smart declared he was not in the -they are bred to sea." "But they don't want to least surprised, as the young man, when first he came be bread to the fishes, any more than you or I," re-into the cabin, looked uncommonly chop-fallen. Lorted Smart, chuckling at his having the best of the

Dunsense.

Dick, however, had presently taken a place at the table, and began attacking a buttock of beef with

great vigour and vivacity, protesting he had got a the panic-striken company at the dinner-table. "Lard famous "happetite," and felt " as ungry as an ound." "I never say any thing to discourage any body," said Mr. Croak, " particularly young people; it's a thing I hate, but t'other day a fine lad sate down to his dinner in this very packet, after being sea-sick, just as you may be doing now, when it turned out he had broke a blood-vessel, and in twelve hours he was a corpse, and a very pretty oné he made."

"I'm not going to be choused out of my dinner for all that," replied the youth, munching away with great industry, and at the same time calling out"Steward! take away this porter-pot, it runs."-" I doubt that," cried Smart." I say it does," resumed Dick angrily," the table-cloth is all of a sop.""I'll bet you half a crown it doesn't." Done! and done! were hastily exchanged, when Mr. Smart, looking round with a smirk, exclaimed-" Ladies and Gentlemen, I appeal to every one of you whether the pot has not been perfectly still, and nothing has been running but the beer." This elicited a shout at poor Dick's expense, who sullenly muttered, "I'm not going to be bamboozled out of an 'alf-crown in that there vay, and vat's more, I von't be made a standing joke by no man." "I don't see how you can," replied his antagonist, so long as you are sitting." —“ Vy are you like a case of ketchup?" cried Dick, venturing for once to become the assailant, and im mediately replying to his own inquiry," because you are a saucebox."-" Haw! haw!" roared his mother, "bravo, Dick! well done, Dick-there's a proper rap for you, Mr. Smart." Dick now changed the conversation, by observing that it would luckily be "'igh-water in the arbour when they arrived.”— "Then I recommend you by all means to use some of it." said the pertinacious Mr. Smart, " perhaps it may cure your squint."

Both mother and son rose up in wrath at this personality, and there would infallibly have been a bourrasque (as the French say) in the hold, but that there was then a tremendous concussion upon the deck, occasioned by the fall of the main-boom, and followed by squeaks and screams, of all calibres, from

have mercy upon us!" ejaculated Croak with a der groan-" it's all over with us-we are going to the bottom-I like to make the best of every thing-it's my way, and therefore hope that no lady or grate man will be in the least alarmed, for I bebeve drowning is a much less painful death than is gene rally supposed."

AFFECTED GRAVITY.

I tell thee what, Antonio,

I love thee, and it is my love that speaks,-
There are a sort of men, whose visages
Do cream and mantle, like a standing pend;
And do a wilful stillness entertain,
With purpose to be dress'd in an opinion
Of wisdom, gravity, profound conceit;
As who should say, I am Sir Oratic,
And, when I ope my lips, let no dog bark!
O, my Antonio, I do know of these,
That therefore only are reputed wise,
For saying nothing.

A FAIR BARGAIN.

A Norman priest, many of whose parishioner not made the most honourable exit out of this w insisted, when he was baptizing one of their ca to be paid the nuptial and burial fees, as w those of baptism; and when the parents skri reason of this extraordinary demand, he replied, cause I know, as soon as he is grown up, h cheat me of my dues, by going to Pas hanged."

THE COLLEGIAN AND THE PORTIE.

At Trin. Coll. Cam,-which means, in proper
Trinity College, Cambridge,-there resides
One Harry Dashington-a youth excelling

In all the learning commonly provided
For those who choose that classic station
For finishing their education:-
That is-he understood computing