FALSTAFF. The character of Sir John Falstaff is made up by Shakspeare wholly of incongruities :-a man at once young and old, enterprising and fat, a dupc and a wit, harmless and wicked, weak in principle and resolute by constitution, cowardly in appearance and brave in reality; a knave without malice, a liar without deceit; and a knight, a gentleman, and a soldier, without either dignity, decency, or honour: this is a character, which, though it may be decompounded, could not have been formed, nor the ingredients of it duly mingled, upon any receipt whatever it required the hand of Shakspeare himself to give to every particular part a relish of the whole, and of the whole to every particular part;-alike the same incongruous, identical, Falstaff, whether, to the grave chief justice, he vainly talks of his youth, and offers to caper for a thousand; or cries to Mrs. Doll, "I am old, I am old," though she is seated on his lap, and he is courting her for busses. : mer if you like, can't hurt me, there's m Are you inclined to go up, major ?" "Up! W in that thingumy, a balloon? why I can wait higher than you'll go in that thing. When I wa India, I walked up an inaccessible mountain, walked for five days running, four hours every took me seven days coming down, run the wi the last day, and danced at the governor's night. Upon my life it's true; what will you'r a lie ?" "But now, major, you have an epper of purchasing notoriety at prime cost." "Pra trouble you not to mention prime cost" "W "I tell you what: a few weeks ago 1 bought a bury at prime cost. As I was driving that streets of London, a beautiful blood mare des. hill." "Sire Munchausen, I suppose.” » PA be foolish: well, sir, I was driving at the rat and twenty miles an hour." Nine za surely major." De, do you doubt ne peat it, nine and thirty miles an hour. We," was driving at the rate of wine and forty d ON A CELEBRATED PHYSICIAN, WHO THOUGH NOT A hour, my usual pace, I met an inferual GOOD SHOT, WAS A GREAT SHOOTER. Doctor-all game you either ought to shun, MAJOR LONG BOW. Major Longbow was the most poetical proser of his day, a complete egotist; his subject himself; his maxim, I by myself I; and called by his friends the modern Munchausen; and has been, as he said, at every battle from the taking of Seringapatam to the O. P. war at Covent-garden theatre. But his maxims are not to be told, let him speak for himself in the following dialogue :-"How do you do, major ?" "How do I do; how should I do! eh? Better than any man living-there's muscle, strongest man living. How do I do, poh! no man so well as I am. I am reckoned the finest piece of anatomy that was ever sent upon the face of the earth. Upon my life it's true; what will you lay it's a lie? Hit me with a sledge ham seven horses in a string, all as fat as Fab goes my wheel against the coal-cart-up away went poor prime cost into a million of s up spins I-made three somersets in the feet foremost through the bow window of the cook's shop, corner of Berkley-street, #al → feet, and said with the utmost coolness to Mrs C ter, who was seated behind her own cortez Mass your most obedient, how do you do get woman more astonished-Wasnt hurt a b muscle.-Upon my life it's true: what w it's a lie." THE COUNTY JUSTICI Now justices of peace must judge all p Of mischief of all kinds, and keep the i And morals of the country from capris Of those who have not a licence for the And of all things, excepting tithes and i Perhaps these are most difficult to tre Preserving partridges and pretty wenches Are puzzles to the most precautious beas THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. NEWSPAPER INNOVATIONS. . fan males;" should they by any accident have a prospect of becoming mothers, we are informed that they are in a way that ladies wish to be who love their lords." Child-murder is elegantly termed "in ticide," and when it is punished capitally, we hear, not that the unnatural mother was hanged, but that "the unfortunate culprit underwent the last sentence Amongst all the improvements of the age, none haps are more striking than those which have retly been made, and indeed are at present maxing, he language of ordinary life. Who in these days reads of boarding-schools?—Nobody: they are sformed into academies for boys and seminaries girls; the higher classes are "Establishments;" of the law, and was launched into eternity."" No person reads in the newspapers, that a house Dach-maker's shop is a "Repository for Car wines of a Company,' and shoes at a es" a milliner's a " Depot," a thread-seller's has been burnt down: he perhaps will find "that Emporium." One buys drugs at a " Medical the house fell a sacrifice to the flames? In an ac count of a launch we learn, not that a ship went off art," blacking is dispensed from an "Institu- the slip without any accident, but that she glided securely and majestically into her native element,' the said native element being one in which the said ship never was before. " and meat from a Purveyor." stead of reading in our newspapers, that after a the company did not go away till daylight, we old that the joyous group continued tripping e light fantastic toe until Sol gave them warning part." If one of the company happened on his to tumble into a ditch, we should be informed "his foot slipped, and he was immersed in the delement," A good supper is described as g the "tables groan with every delicacy of "interesting relicts;" and as for nursery-maids, they eason." A crowd of briefless lawyers, unbe-are now a days universally transformed into "young d clergymen, and half-pay officers, are enume-persons who superintend the junior branches of the "host of fashion at a watering-place, family" To send for a surgeon if one's leg be broken, is out of the question; a man indeed " may be despatched for medical aid." There are now no public singers at tavern dinners-they are "the professional gentlemen;" and actors are all "professors of the histrionic art.' Widows themselves are scarce: these are all we are also informed that ladies, instead of) za dip before breakfast, "plunge themselves sly into the bosom of Neptune." heep killed by lightning is a thing unheard of: imal may be destroyed by the "electric fluid;" -ven then, we should not be told that it was we should be informed that "the vital spark d for ever." If the carcass were picked up by enter or shoemaker, we never should hear that neyman tradesman had found it: we should be at its remains had been discovered by an ative artisan." little girls, be their faces ever so plain, pitted ble, if they appear at a public office to comrobbery, or ill-treatment, are invariably gent and interesting;" if they have proceeded in crime, they are called "unfortunate fe MATCH MAKING. Lord Chesterfield being told that a certain tera gamester; magant and scold was married to "that cards and brimstone made the best replied, matches." THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER At the sign of the Horse, old Spintext of course, The evening was dark, when in came the clerk, First strok'd his cravat, then twirl'd round his hat, And bowing preferr'd his petition. I'm come sir, says he, to beg, look d'ye see, Of reverend worship and glory, your The body we'll bury, but pray where's the hurry! Cannot long delay your intentions; Bring Moses some beer, and bring me some, d'ye her, But perhaps you or I may take cold. But first cramm'd his jaw with a quid: To inter a poor baby with as much speed as may be, Can't continue an hour, but is cut down ke And I'll walk with my lanthorn before ye. You see, Moses, death spareth no man THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. Here Moses do look, what a confounded book, thee Moses you read, for I cannot proceed, where's thy sting death, put the corpse in the earth, or believe me 'tis terrible weather. The corpse was interr'd without praying a word, ad away they both stagger'd together. Singing tol de rol, &c. LETTER FROM AN ACTRESS. y dear Sir,--I am a tragedy actress, but I really y heart love fun. There is a whimsicality in your that pleases me, and (win or lose) please GOD be with you on your present proposition, viz. nights at Brighton-the last my own night-a half of the house-and four at Worthing-the my own. I will give you the whole strength force of my talent and spirit. You give me all onsequence that in these cases are given, where ndon constellation comes down to glitter (somewith a false glare) over those who may be less ate but not always less, worthy than themselves. O'Neil came to a prosperous house, and thereI went well with her." came in support of a ruin; and as I am not an Atlas, why I have obliged to be—a woman. I play Lady Mac Monday-my last appearance this season; so now make my own arrangements. Let me know you wish me to be with you, and I will arrange ingly. Let me know, as soon as you can, wheou want me by the fifteenth of July. I had not open the theatre if you can avoid it. Let ne be my first character. Will there be time manuscript play I mentioned, to be got up for hat, if I play the four nights in one week? I off immediately on the receipt of yoursin if you will get it to-night, as I have not a But I suppose these letters will be for warded to you at Gravesend. I shall feel obliged by hearing from you as to the time, as I have some literary arrangements to make that I am pledged for the finishing of in a stated time. I have the honour to be, sir, your obedient, DRUNKARDS. In the cathedral of Sienna, celebrated for its floor, inlaid with the History of the New Testament, is the following singular epitaph, probably placed there as a memento to Italian Toby Philpots. " Wine gives life; it was death to me; I could not behold the dawn of morning in a sober state. Even my bones are now thirsty. Stranger! sprinkle my grave with wine; empty the flaggons and come. Farewell drinkers!" TOM-A-BEDLAM SONG. From the hag and hungry goblin In the book of moons defend ye! Nor travel from CHORUS. Nor never sing any food and feeding, Money, drink, or clothing; Come dame or maid, Be not afraid, For Tom will injure nothing. Of thirty bare years have I Twice twenty been enraged; And of forty been Three times fifteen In durance soundly caged. In the lovely lofts of Bedlam, In stubble soft and dainty, Brave bracelets strong, Sweet whips ding, dong And a wholesome hunger plenty. With a thought I took for Maudlin, Till the roguish boy Of love where I lay, Me found, and stript me naked. When short I have shorn my sow's face, And swigg'd my horned barrel; Do I pawn my skin, And the night-crow, make The palsie plague these pounces, Your culvers take Or mateless make Your chanticleer and sullen; When I want provant with Humphrey I sup, I never am affrighted. I behold the stars At mortal wars, And the rounded welkin weeping; With a burning spear, To the wilderness I wander ; With a knight of ghosts and shadows, NATIONAL COMPLAINTS. The Englishmen at Paris find fault with the Freach roast beef; the Frenchmen in London complain at de British brandy. The English who visit Paris, imagine that the ta vern-keepers have served in the cavalry, as they un so expert in making a charge. A foreigner inquiring the way to a friend's lok whom he said lived at Mr. Bailey's, senior, was di to the Old Bailey, by a Bow-street officer. When entered the court he imagined that it was his fa levee. POLITICAL LEGACIES. When William Pitt went to the grave, PLEBEIAN HUMOUR. When the king of France fled from Para, wrote against the corner of the street in chak, est prié d'arrêter un gros cochon qui s'enfuit. <3 sera dédommagé de ses peines par un Loni." • CHOICE COMPANY. I'll send you my bill of fare, said Lond E trying to persuade Dr. Swift to dine with ke "Send me your bill of company," was Swift's an to him. GOLD AND GREATNESS. Mr. Pope was with Sir Godfrey Kneller ome when his nephew, a Guinea trader, came in. phew, (said Sir Godfrey,) you have the hom |