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THE EPIGRAM CLUB
OBSTINACY IN GRAIN.
Q. What is her sickness ?-A. Consumption. And found he was a knowing guide,
Q. I had an item of that ; you have got a doctor, They hook'd her buffeting the tide.
Q. Is your son a trader ?-A. Yes.
On the removal of the cloth, the president Q. Are his spirits kedge (brisk ?)—Yes; I expect gave three knocks with his hammer on the table, they were yesterday.
Silence being procured, he commenced his harangue Q. How did he get in business ?---A. I planted by reminding the society that nobody was required him there: I was his sponsor for a thousand dallars : to sing : that it was gothic barbarity to call upon any I guess he paid me within time ; and he is now pro- gentleman to struggle with a cold and hoarseness; gressing slíck.
that the organs of singing were frequently deranged,
those of speaking very seldom; and therefore that Bob had a wife, but so perverse,
the usages of this institution were highly rational,
inasmuch as no man was there called upon for a He almost wish'd her in her hearse; To mend her temper was in vain ;
song, but every one for an epigram. Her spirit work'd against the grain.
“Mr. Morris," said the deputy chairman, A fishing once she went in dudgeon,
to a member on his right hand, “were you at the And tried the river for a gudgeon;
late masquerade ?" “I was," answered Morris, When reaching far to book a bite,
with all the elation of a man who sees an opporPlump in she fell, went down outright, Which Robin saw, but, in his fright,
tunity of throwing in a good thing. " I went with
Lump, the leather-seller. He wore a domino, but Conld scarcely hobble to the river,
he wanted to go in character.” “What character ?" His Kate from drowning to deliver;
“ Charles the second.” “Indeed! and what made Yet call'd aloud for some assistance,
him alter his determination ?" "My epigram.” “Oh When Will and Tom from no small distance
pray let us have it.” “Certainly Flew to the bank, and found their master Quite frantic at the sad disaster.
To this night's masquerade, quoth Dick, The current was in rapid force,
By pleasure I am beckon'd, And with it all things went of course ;
And think 't would be a pleasant trick They therefore put their boat-hooks down,
To go as Charles the Second. As the stream ran, to hitch her gown;
Tom felt for repartee a thirst,
And thus to Richard said:
You'd better go as Charles the First, " What fools you are," exclaim'd old Robin,
For that requires no head.” “ Thus with the tide your hooks to bob in ; “Bravo!" exclaimed the president, “your health Go higher up,” said patient Bob;
Mr, Morris, I think you are in a fair way of winning “The other were a fruitless job:
the silver medal. But we shall see. Mr. Vice, you Try, try above the place, where fate
will please to call upon Mr. Snaggs. We must take Thus robb'd me of my dearest Kate;
him in time, or the Hampstead stage will be too Some chance there is in such a scheme, sharp for us.” Snaggs started from a doze, and She even went against the stream.”
begged to inform the company that in his village reThe servants followed in a trice
sided a physician and a vicar, who often walked arm Their master's orders and advice,
in arm together. “ Which circumstance," said
Snaggs, induced me to squib them after the follow-young man, who sát" like a lily drooping, and had ing fashion
all the air of having been recently jilted. Thus
called upon, he started from the reverie in which be " How D. D. swaggers, M. D. rolls !
appeared to be plunged, and in a silver tone spoke as I dub them both a brace of noddies :
follows: Old D. D, has the cure of souls, And M. D. has the care of bodies.
“ To Flavia's shrine two suitors run Betweeen them both what treatment rare
And woo the fair at once :
A needy fortune-hunter one,
And one a wealthy dnnce.
How, thus twin-courted she'll behavě
Depends upon this rule
If she's a fool she'll wed the knave, Morris tremble for his silver medal.
And if a knare the fool." The president now looked at his watch : it pointed to the hour of nine: he exchanged a significant This effort was received with some applanse, but glance with the vice-president, (who also officiated it did not quite amount to a bit
. The company ås secretary,) and the latter cast his eye towards a semed to opine that knave and fool were aut fit mahogany box in the window-seat, and began to fumble for his keys. “Silence, gentlemen,” ex- thought, voung Daffodil had relapsed into this
names to call a lady. It martered little what they claimed the former, “and listen to a report of our reverie. The following was pronounced considerably committee, setting forth the objects and prospects of better : this institution.” The secretary then drew forth a book, and proceeded to business.
“My thrifty spouse, her taste to please, The report commenced by stating, that the ob
With rival dames at auctions vies ; ject of the Epigram Club was to induce writers and
She doats on every thing she sees, speakers in general, by their precept and example,
And every thing she doats on buys, to compress what they might have to utter into as
I with her taste am quite enchanted : small a compass as possible. The report dilated upon
Such costly wares, so wisely sought! the alarming increase of forensic and parliamentary Bought, because they may be wanted ; eloquence, and then enumerated the number of epi Wanted, because they may be bought." grams which, with a view of stopping the farther increase of the mischief, the committee had caused to “ I should not be at all surprisel," said Captain be distributed in England, Scotland, and Ireland, a Thackeray to the utterer of the jou d'espril, “Tils. great portion of which bad been translated into the Backhouse give you that idea. You must loos bv Hindostan and Catabaw languages; so that, 10 --she lives in Custle-street, Holborn, and spends ibe adopt their own phraseology," they had the heartfelt whole of the morning in picking up things respark. delight of epigrammatizing the naked Gentoo and the ably cheap. She bonght the late Irish giant's boer; tatooed Otaheitean.". The report then stated, that, she has no occasion for them at present, but they mas by the exertions of the committee, seventeen epic come into play:- Last Wednesday she met with a poems had been strangled in their birth.
capital bargain in Brukers'-row, Moorfields breu A dry subject, Mr. Secretary," exclaimed the door-plate, with Mr. ilenderson ergravedl upon ; chairman, ---- Mr. Daffodil, pray favour us with an it only cost her ninepence halfpenny. Should ei epigram.” This request was addressed to a slender thing happen to Mr. Backhouse, and she be share
wards courted by any body of the name of Henderson, The ballot-box was produced—the several epithere is a door-plate ready."
grams proposed and balloted for in succession-and This sally proving successful, drew the attention of the captain had the silver medal, each member have the club towards the utterer; and the chairman told ing given oue ball to his own production, and one to him, that, when his turn arrived, he had no doubt of Captain Thackeray's : thus intimating, that next to his favouring the company with an excellent epigram. his own production, the superior merit lay with the
"Gentlemen," said the member whose turn was Latin adage. next in succession," I have a weighty objection to all that has been uttered. An epigram should not be DESCRIPTION OF A FOOL, AND HIS MORALIZING ON extended to eight lines; and I believe all that we have heard this evenicg, have been of that length. Good-morrow, fool, quoth I: No, sir, quoth he, Four lines ought to be the ne plus ultra; if only iwo Call me not fool
, till heaven hath sent me fortune ; so much the better. Allow me to deliver one which And then he drew a dial from his poke; was uttered by an old gentleman, whose daughter And, looking on it with lack-lustre eye, Arabella importuned bim for money :
Says, very wisely, It is ten o'clock :
Thus may we see, quoth he, how the world wags :
'Tis but an hour ago, since it was nine ;
And after an hour more, 'twill be eleven : "I am quite of your opinion," said he who fol- And so, from hour lo hour, we ripe, and ripe, lowed; and in narrating an epitaph by a disconsolate and then from hour to hour, we rot, and rot, husband upon his late wife, I mean to confine myself And thereby hangs a tale. When I did hear within the same Spartan limits :
The motley fool thus moral on the time,
That fouls should be so deep-contemplative ;
OCEANS OF PUNCH. ridiculous.--Pray must it be in English ?"
The honourable Edward Russel, who was captain sir, we are not confined to any language."... " Well, general and commander in chief of the English forces then, I will give you a Latin one. My friend Cul- in the Mediterranean, during the reign of William pepper and 1, on coming out of the opera the other the Third, had a mighty bowl of punch made at his Dight, got into dispute with a hackney-coachman, house, on the 25th of October, 1694. It was made Upon which I collared him, and he collared me, and in a fountain in the garden, in the centre of four tore the silk facing of my cloak. Upon which, says walks, all of which were arched with lemon and Colpepper, who is to mend it?. Upon which said I, orange trees, and along every walk tables were Bobxiy can replace the silk facing but the man who placed the whole length, which were covered with made the cape ; because, according to the Latin adage, cold collations, &c. In the fountain were the followQui capit ille facit.
ing ingredients: four hogsheads of brandy, eight "Now I think I have beaten the two gentlemen who hogsheads of water, twenty-five thousand lemons, eraromatized last. They have made a great merit twenty gallons of lime juice, thirteen hundred weight vi having confined themselves to two lines, and, of fine Lisbon sugar, fivè pounds of ġrated nutmegs, egad! I have confined myself to one."
* The fool was anciently dressed in a party-coloured coat.
three hundred toasted biscuits, and a pipe of moun. Yet whims like these have sometimes made you laugh. tain malaga. Over the fountain was a large canopy "Tis tattling all like Isaac Bickerstaff. to keep off the rain, and there was built on purpose a Since war and places claim the bards that write, little boat, in which was a boy belonging to the fleet, Be kind, and bear a woman's treat, to-night; who rowed round the fountain, and filled the cups of Let your indulgence all her fears allay, the company, who exceeded six thousand in number. And none but women-liaters damn this play.
PROLOGUE TO THE BUSY BODY.
DANIEL versus DISHCLOUT.
THE JUDGE OUTWITTED. Though modern prophets were exposed of late, The late Lord Kenyon was once listening very atThe author could not prophesy his fate :
tentively, in the Roll's Court, to a young clerk, wbo If with such scenes an audience had been fir'd, was reading to him the conveyance of an estate; The poet must have really been inspir'd.
and, on coming to the word enough, pronounced it But these, alas ! are melancholy days
His honour immediately interrupted bus; For modern prophets, and for modern plays.
“ Hold, hold! you must stand corrected; enougl is
, Yet since prophetic lies please fools of fashion, according to the vernacular custom, pronounced est, And women are so fond of agitation;
and so must all other English words which terminate To men of sense I'll prophesy anew,
in ough; as, for example, tough, rough, cough, And tell you wondrous things that will prove true: trough," &c. The clerk bowed, blushed, and went Undaunted colonels will to camps repair,
on for some time ; when, coming to the word plough, Assur'd there'll be no skirmishes this year ; he, with increased emphatical voice, and a penetralOu our own terms will flow the wish'd-for peace, ing look at his honour, called it pluff! The great All wars, except 'twixt man and wife shall cease, lawyer stroked his chin, and, with a smile, politely The Grand Monarque may wish his son a thrope, said, “Young man! I sit corrected.' But hardly will advance to lose his own. This season most things bear a smiling face; But play'rs in summer have a dismal case,
Daniel was groom in the same family wheresa Since your appearance only is our act of grace. Dishclout was cookmaid, and Daniel returning house Court ladies will to country seats be gone,
one day fuddled, he stooped down to take a sop out My lord can't all the year live great in town ; of the pan; Dishclout pushed him into the dripping; Where, wanting operas, basset, and a play, pan, which spoiled his clothes, and he was advised They'll sigh, and stitch a gown to pass the time away. to bring his action against the cookmaid ; the pleading Gay city wives at Tunbridge will appear, of which were as follows: The first person who spoke Whose husbands long have wished for an heir; was Mr. Serjeant Snuffe. He began, saying, “Sesete Where many a courtier may their wants relieve, I have the honour to be pitched upon to open the But by the waters only they conceive.
cause to your lordship. I shall not impertinently preThe Fleet-street sempstress-toast of Temple sparks, sume to take up any of your lordslup's time, by That runs spruce neckcloths for attornies' clerks, round about circumlocutory manuer of speaking a At Cupid's gardens will her hours regale,
talking, quite foreign to the purpose, and Dal 297 Sing fair Dorinda, and drink bottled ale.
ways relating to the matter in hand, I shall, I will At all assemblies rakes are up and down,
I design to show what damages my client has 5And gamesters, when they think they are not known. tained hereupon, whereupon, and thereupon. Nos,ST
Should I denounce our author's late to-day, lord, my client being a serrant in the same family od To cry down prophecies, you'd damn the lay; Dishclout, and not being al board wages, image!
he had a right to the fee-simple of the dripping-pan. kitchen is not a ware-house, uor a wash-house, a therefore he made an attachment to the sop with his brew.house, nor a bake-house, an inn-house, nor an right hand, which the defendant replevied with her out-house, nor a dwelling-house ; no, my lord, 'tis left, tripp'd us up, and tumbled us into the dripping- absolutely and bonâ fide neither more nor less then pan: Now, in Broughton's reports, Slack versus a kitchen, or as the law more classically expresses, a Smallwood, it is said that primus strokus, sine jocus, kitchen is, camera necessaria pro usu cookure, cum absolutus est provokus ; now, who gave the primus sauce-pannis, stew.pannis, scullero, dressero, coalstrokus ? who gave the first offence? why the cook : holo, stovis, smoak-jacko, pro roastandum, boilanshe brought the dripping-pan there ; for, my lord, dum, fryandum, et plumpudding mirandum, pro though we will allow, if we had not been there, we turtle soupos, calve's-headhaskibus, cum calipee et could not have been thrown down there ; yet, my calepashibus. lord, if the dripping-pan had not been there, for us “ But we shall not avail ourselves of an alibi, but to have tumbled down into, we could not have tum- admit of the existence of a cookmaid: now, my bled into the dripping-pan." The next counsel on lord, we shall take it upon a new ground, and beg a the same side began with, “ My lord, he who makes new trial; for as they have curtailed our name, from use of many words to no purpose, has not much to plain Mary into Moll, I hope the court will not $ay for himself, therefore I shall come to the point at allow of this ; for if they were to allow of mistakes, once, at once and immediately I shall come to the what would the law do ; for when the law don't find point. My client was in liquor, the liquor in him mistakes, it is the business of the law to make them.” having served an ejectment upon his understanding, Therefore the court allowed them the liberty of a common sense was nonsuited, and he was a mau be- new trial : FOR THE LAW 18 OUR LIBERTY, AND IT side himself, as Dr. Biblibus declares, in his Dis. 1S HAPPY FOR US WE HAVE THE LIBERTY sertation upon Bumpers, in the 139th folio volume of To LAW. the Abridgement of the Statutes, page 1286, he says,
EPITAPHS. that a drunken man is homo duplicans, or a double man. Not only because he sees things double, but on a Person in the Country, who occasionally peralso because he is not as he should be profecto ipse formed the business of Tailor and Barber. he, but is as he should not be, defecto tipse he.”
In a tirnber surtout here are wrapt the remains The counsel on the other side rose up gracefully, of a MOWER OF BEARDS, and a USER OF SKAINS ; playing with his ruffles preutily, and tossing the ties 'Twas the shears of grim death cut his staYTAPE of his wig about emphatically. He began with, of life, * My lord, and you, gentlemen of the jury, I hum. And press á him away from TWIST, RAZORS, AND bly do conceive, 'I have the authority to declare, that I am counsel in this case for the defeodant;
there. But the pray’r of all people, he sew'd for OR fore, my lord, I shall not fourish away in words; words are no more than fillagree works. Some people Is that he's with the REMNANT of those that are sav'd. may think them an embellishment, but to me 'tis a master of astonishment, how any one can be so impertinent to the detriment of all rudiment. But, my Grieve not for me, my dearest dear, lord, this is not to be looked at through the medium I am not dead, but sleeping here ; of rght and wrong ; for the law knows no medium, With patience wait, prepare to die, and nght and wrong are but its shadows. Now, in And in a short time you'll come to I. the first place, they have called a kitchen my client's I am not griev'd, my dearest life; premises : Dow a kitchen is nobody's premises ; a Sleep on, I've got another wise ;
ON A WIFE.