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MR. CURRAN AND THE PEASANT I went to the playhouse as other folks do,

M". Curran, in some way or other, generally conAnd I heard and I saw such a hubbub baboo : trived to throw witnesses off their contre, and he took There was fighting, and screeching--but this here my care they seldom should recover it. My lard-my song

lard”-vociferated a peasant witness, writhing unShall tell you the story-the short and the long der this mental excruciation--" My lard—my lard, It was Richard the Third that I saw, you must know, - I can't answer yon little gentleman, he's putting But I dear! it was such a tragical show

me in such a doldrum."-"A doldrum! Mr. Curran, They stuck men and poor babes—but Richmond so what does he mean by a doldrum ?” exclaimed Lord tall,

Avonmore. “O! my lord, its a very common Stuck Dicky, who died and said nothing at all. complaint with persons of this description--its merely The next play I seed, 0 dear and O lack !

a confusion of the head arising from a corruption of Where's a man called Othello, like sweepers was the heart."

And he had a wife that was fair as a rose;

But wanting one morning to blow his black nose, All you that stop this stone to see,
Asked his dear for a wiper-which she told him was Pray mark my steps and follow me.

Underwritten on the Tombstone.
Which so greatly this sooty-like general crost,
That he took up a pillow, and swore it should fall

To follow you I'm not content,
On ber head and for a woman she said little at all.

Unless I knew the road you went.
At the Merchant of Venice I stared with amaze,
Where a black-bearded Jew a nation sight pays
For one pound of flesha---nor could he once rest

A physician being summoned to a vestry, to repriTill he cut a rump-steak from another man's breast. mand the sexton for drunkenness, dwelt so long Then Macbeth so fine, spurred on by his wise,

on the sexton's misconduct, that the latter indignantly Tickled up an old king with the end of a knife,

replied, “Sir! I was iu hopes you would have treated Theo some hags told his fate, in a sort of a bawl,

my failings with more gentleness, or that you would When trees inarched like men--he'd say nothing at have been the last man alive to appear against me, all.

as I have covered so many blunders of yours ."". Then larriet I saw, the next heir to a crown, Who came to a lady with stockings half down; He walked with a ghost, and he jumped in a grave,

A merrier man,
And be fought, killed, and died, most woundily brave. Within the limit of becoming mirth,
Then Juliei and Romeo I saw by the moon,

I never spent an hour's talk withal :
Who made love in the morning, and married at noon; His eye begets occasion for his wit ;
Sbe shammid dead-her husband for poison made For every object that the one doth catch,

The other turns to a mirth-moying jest ; He found her awake-they kissed—and said nothing Which his fair tongue (conceit's expositor) at all.

Delivers in such apt and gracious words,

That aged years play truant at his tales,
Here lies my poor wife, without bed or blanket; And younger hearings are quite ravished;
But dead as a door nail : God be thanked.

So sweet and voluble is his discourse.







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When Mr. Rigby was in Ireland, he was challenged by a nobleman to a match at drinking

claret, for Composed by Mr. Curran, on his installation as twenty guineas. Mr. Rigby at first declined it; but

Grand Prior of the Ordet. finding the Irishman triumph in his unwillingness to When Saint Patrick our order created, engage, he was at last provoked to accept it. Two And called us the Monks of the Screw, dozen of claret were introduced ; the first dozen went Good rules he revealed to our Abbot, off well, but upon entering on the second, the noble

To guide us in what we should do. man's tongue began to falter, and he fell under the table. Mr. Rigby called up the landlord, had the

But first he replenished his fountain peer put to bed, and then finished the remainder of

With liquor the best in the sky, the liquor with his host. Next day, meeting his an

And he swore by the word of his saintship,

That fountain should never run dry. tagonist, his lordship acknowledged he had lost, and was going to pay the twenty guineas. “No, my lord,” My children, be chaste till you're temptedsaid Rigby, “ it was two to one against you; and

While sober, be wise and discreetyou know the odds in liquor always lose, where the And humbie your bodies with fasting, bubble is not barred.”

Whene'er you've got nothing to cal.
Then be not a glass in the convent,

Except on a festival, found-
In 1759, Dr. Hill wrote a pamphlet, "To David

And this rule to enforce, I ondain it

A festival-all the year round. Garrick, Esq; the Petition of 1, in behalf of herself and sisters.' The purport of it was to charge Mr.

THE BACHELOR'S RECANTATION. Garrick with mispronouncing some words including the letter I; as furm for firm, vurlue for virtue,

This can be no trick : the conference was say and athers; on which occasion Garrick wrote the borne. — They have the truth of this. Thes following epigram.

to pity the lady ; it seems her affermacs

have their full bent. Love me! why it must be re If 'tis true, as you say, that I've injured a letter,

quited. I hear how I am censured: they sy, I wa I'll change my notes soon, and I hope for the better, bear myself proudly, if I perceive the love coupe ima May the just right of letters, as well as of men,

her: they say too, that she will rather die than give Hereafter be fixed by the tongue and the pen! any sign of affection.--I did pever think to any. Most devoutly I wish they may both have their due, I must not seem proud. Happy are they that tz And that I may be never mistaken for U.

their detractions, and can put them to meri PREVENTIVE OF JEALOUSY.

They say, the lady is fair ; 'tis a truth, Iran

them witness: and virtuous ;-'tis so, I 220 A beautiful young lady having called out an ugly prove it ; and wise, but for loving me. By my trze gentleman to dance with her, he was astonished at the it is no addition to her wit:-nor no great ar net condescension, and believing that she was in love with of her folly, for I will be horribly in love with ser.him, in a very pressing manner desired to know why I may chance have some odd quirks and a she had selected him from the rest of the company wit broken on me, because I have rsiled so " Because, sir," replied the lady, “my husband against marriage :-bul doth not the appetite se commanded me to select such a partner as should not A man loves the meat in his youth, that be a give him cause for jealousy,"

endure in his age: Shall quips, aad sentence,





these paper bullets of the brain, awe a man from the the top of my voice will I be bawling,- put-put career of his humour ? No: the world must be peo- some money in the plate, then your abomination pled. When I said, I would die a bachelor, I did shall be scalded off like bristles from the hog's not think I should live till I were married.—Here back, and ye shall be scalped of them ail as easily comes Beatrice. By this day, she's a fair lady: I as I pull off my periwig. do spy some marks of love in her,

The sirloin of beef is said to owe its name to King Though marriage by most folks

Charles the Second, who dining upon a loin, of beef, Be reckoned a curse,

and being particularly pleased with it, asked the name Three wives I did marry,

of the joint. On being told, he said, “ For its merit For better or worse.

then I will knight it, and henceforth it shall be called The first for her person,

The next for her purse-

In a ballad of “ The new Sir John Barleycorn,"
The third for a warming-pan,

this circumstance is thus mentioned : Doctress, and nurse.

“ Our Second Charles of fame facète,

On loin of beef did dine ; The floor of the world is filthy, the mud of Mam He held his sword, pleas'd, o'er the meat, mon eats up all your opper-leathers, and we are all Arise, thou fam'd Sir-Loin." become sad souls. Brethren, the word brethren comes In another ballad, “ The Gates of Calais," it is from the tabernacle, because we all breathe therein; thus noticed : if you are drowzy I'll rouze you, I'll beat a tatoo “Renown'd Sir-Loin, ofttimes decreed, upon the parchment case of your conscience, and I'll The theme of English ballad ; whisk the Devil like a whirligig amon you.

Now On thee our kings oft deign to feed, let me ask you a question seriously : Did you ever Unknown to Frenchman's palate; see any body eat any hasty-pudding? What faces Then, how much doth thy taste exceed. they make when it scalds their mouths, phoo, phoo, Soup maigre, frogs, and salad !” phoo ; what faces will you all make when old Nick nicks you ? Now unto a bowl of punch I compare Marry, by these special marks : first, you have Bratrimony; there's the sweet part of it, which is the learned, like sir Proteus, to wreath your arms like a honey-moon ; then there's the largest part of it, that's male-content: to relish a lovesong, like a robin-redthe roost insipid that comes after, and that's the wa- breast; to walk alone, like one that had the pestilence; ter; then there's the strong spirits, that's the hus- to sigh, like a schoolboy that had lost his A,B,C; tó band's; then there's the sour spirit

, that's the wife. weep, like a young wench that had buried her granBut you don't mind me, no more than a dead borse does dam; to fast, like one that takes diet ;* to watch, like a pair of spectacles, if you did, the sweet words which one that fears robbing ; to speak puling, like a beggar I utter would be like a treacle posset to your palates. at Hallowmas. You were wont, when you laughed, Do you know how many tailors make a man? Why to crow like a cock; when you walked, to walk like one sine. - How many half a man? Why four journey of the lions; when you fasted, it was presently after met and an apprentice. So have ye all been bound dinner; when you looked sadly, it was for want of moprentices to Madam Faddle, the fashion-maker; ye bave ney: and now you are metamorphosed with a mistress, served your times out, and now you set up for your that, when I look on you, I can hardly think you my ales.' My bowels and my small guts groan for you; master. the cat on the house-top is caterwauling, so from * Under a reginen,

+ Allhallowmas,





Thro' all my days, I've sore been press'd,
And trampled under feet;

An odd whim once possessed a country squire, Stranger alike to joy and rest,

that he would not hire any servant whatever, uarii Or liberty so sweet!

ten pounds should be deposited between the master At length I'm gone, and quite decay'd,

and servant, and the first what grunabled at any thing And dought can me condole ;

was to forfeit the money. Being in want of a coachFor he, whose power and wisdom made

man, not one round the country would venlure to go Mecannot save my sole.

after the place, but at length one Thomas Winterbou-e. being acquainted with the oddity of the squire's

whim, resolved to accept of the place, and, on appliIn 1813, a sailor, who had just returned from In- cation, was admitted into the family. dia, with more money than he well knew what to do Thomas was greatly surprised, after living there with, took up his residence at a public house in Chei- about two months, ihat nothing was allowed him for sea, and spent his time and his money in the follow-breakfast, dinner, or supper, but bread and cheese and ing manner. He walked out before breakfast in the smail beer ; being heartily tired of this kind of fare, morning, and the first persons he met of the labouring he applied to the cook, " Cookee,” says Toomas, class, both men and women, he hired for the day. He it ille standing rule of this family, to feed their sera then brought them to the house, and first paying them vants on nothing but bread and cheese !" "What? their wages, ordered each a couple of glasses of shrub says the cook, do you grumble !" "No, no, by do and brandy, by way of a whet for breakfast, which means, cookee,” replied Thomas, being featul of consisted of hot rolls, toast, bread and butter, tea, forfeiting the money; but recollecting his master's part coffee, eggs, beef-steaks, and brandy. The remainder was stocked with fine deer, he took a musket, and brot of the day, till dinner, he kept them singing, dancing, a lawn, skinned it, and brought it to the cont. " Here, drinking, &c.

cookee,” said Thomas, "take and roast this (aso bor At one o'clock, the sailor had dinner served up, me immediately, for I have an acquaintance or two which consisted of good roast beef, boiled legs of mui- to come down from London to pay me a visit." The ton, plumb pudding, and porter ; and after dinner, cook seemed to object to it, baving some neat to there was plenty of port wine, and other liquors. dress directly for her master. “What!" says Thones, The wine was brought by a dozen bottles at a time. “cockce, do you grumble ?" "No," replied the cos; This social tar never hired the same persons to be so the fawn was roasted.---The appointed time arrived merry a second day, but had a fresh party every that the master ordered dinner, and no siga o ary morning ; and his company, each day, was limited to coming to his table, occasioned him to ring the bell. twelve persons, besides the musician.

to know the reason of it; the cook acquainted we squire with Thomas's proceedings, who, in a great

hurry, bolted down stairs into the kitchen, where he Mr. Hardwood had two daughters by his first wife, found Thomas very busy in basting the fawn. “}bu the eldest of whom was married to John Coshick : got you that fawn ?" said the squire.—" Shot i. this Coshick had a daughter by his first wife whom replied Thomas.—" Where ?" asked the squire.—" la old Hardwood married, and by her bad a son :

your park," replied Thomas.—" By whose orders therefore John Coshick's second wife could say,

quoth the squire.-"Do you grumble !" says Thanas. My father is my son, and I'm my mother's mother ; -"No, Thomas," said the squire, and retired.-be My sister is my daughter, and I'm grandmother to immediately wrote a letter to a gentleman who lived my brother.

near six miles from the bouse, and ordered that




Thomas should carry it immediately. Poor Thomas was once, seems not to me so great a miracle, as that obliged to comply, though with a sorrowful heart to there is not one always.". leave the fawn. After his departure, the squire ordered the fawn, when dressed, to be brought to his table, which was done accordingly. On Thomas's re From a Lincoln Mercury for February, 1806. turn, he found himself tricked out of the fawn; and instead of it, to his mortification, bread and cheese

Whereas I Benjamin Birch, and small beer, his old diet.--A little while after, the

Of Boston town and near the church,) squire gave orders to Thomas to get his carriage,

At Stamford market, o'er the bowl, together with the horses and harness, well cleaned.

Got drunk and slandered neighbour Cole :

For which he hath, to my vexation, Thomas obeyed the order, and on the road from the stable to the sqnire's house, he met a man with a

By law compelled this declaration :

That I, without just cause or reason, small sand-cart, drawn by two fine jack-asses. Tho

Made use of words as bad as treason, mas insisted upon an exchange, the horses for the asses,

I therefore do his pardon ask, which being obtained, he cut all his master's fine har

A most unpleasant, painful task ; ness to fit these Arabian poneys, as he styled them.

But as I own I was to blame, Matters being completed, he drove boldly up to the squire's, and knocked at the gate ; the porter perceiv

Why dong it then I'll sign my name. ing the droll figure his master's equipage cut, burst

Boston, Jan. 7, 1806.

B. Birch. out into an immoderate fit of laughter. Shortly after the squire caine, and seeing his carriage so beauti Dean Cowper of Durham, who was very economifully adorned with cattle, was struck with astonish- cal of his wine, descanting one day on the extraordiment. " Why, what the devil,” quoth the squire, nary performance of a man who was blind, he re" have you got harnessed to my carriage ?" "I will marked, that the poor fellow could see no more than tell you," said Thomas. “As I was driving from “ that bottle." * I do not wonder at it at all, sir," your stables to the gate, I met a fellow driving a sand repiied Mr. Drake, a minor canon, “ for we have cart drawn by these two fine Arabian poneys, and seen no more than " that bottle,” all the afternoon." knowing you to be fond of good cattle, I gave your

THE TAILOR'S DREAM. horses for these two fine creatures ; they draw well, and are an ornament to your carriage.'


At Hippocrene's fount I would fain take a sip their ears and ornaments too,” said the squire, “why

Of wit from the clear-flowing stream, the fellow's mad !”-“What !” cries Thomas, “ do To sing of a luckless descendant from Snip, you grumble?"-"Grumble !" quoth the squire, Who fell ill, and was mournful as hen with the pip,

Because of an ominous dream. ** by GM, I think it's high time to grumble : the Dest thing, I suppose, my carriage is to be given away He dream'd that the angel, who pilfering watches, for a sand cart." --On Thomas's procuring the horses Expos'd a large cloth to his view, agam, be paid him his wages and forfeit money, being And, as he show'd this collection of patches, heartily tired of the oddity of his whim, and declared Compos'd of the pieces he'd cribb'd by small snatches, that Thonías, the London coachman, was the drollest That he beat him black, yellow, and blue. dog he ever met with.

Poor Snip, though asleep, with Stentorian might,

'Gan to bellow and hideously roar; THE DELIGE.

And awoke from his dream in a terrible fright, Sir Thomas Browne hearing a person oppugn the Devoutly determin’d, from that very night, stiptural deluge, replied.--" That there was a delugel He'd be honest, and ne'er cabbage more.

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