"What do my sight; thy face is dirty, and thy hands unwashed, avaunt! avaunt! I say "-then replacing the poker and returning to his seat, he continued, "being gone, I am a man again." DOMESTIC JARS. The following curious advertisement appeared in an American paper: "Whereas I, Daniel Clay, through misrepresentation, was induced to post my wife, Rhoda, in the papers: now I beg leave to inform the public, that I have again taken her to wife, after settling all our domestic broils in an amicable manner; so that every thing, as usual, goes on like COOKE THE COMEDIAN AND THE DIRTY BEAU. it is coming down." "I am glad of it." "Indeed, After performing one evening at Manchester, sir, you have cause, if one may judge from your upCooke repaired to a small tavern near the theatre, in pearance." Here was a general laugh, which the company with a friend; mirth and good-humour pre-hitting his boots with a small rattan, rang the bell beau seemed not to regard, but nodding his Lead and vailed till twelve o'clock, when his friend perceiving, as he thought, a something lurking in his expressive with an air of importance, and inquired if he could eye which foretold a storm, he anxiously endeavoured have a "weal kitlet, or a mutten chip ?" to get him home before it burst forth. The importu- you think," said Cooke, "of a roasted puppy? benity of his friend, instead of having the desired effect, cause," taking up the poker, "I will spit you and precipitated what he had forescen; with a haughty, roast you in a minute." This had a visible effect supercilious look, he said, "I see what you are about, upon the dirty beau; he retreated towards the door, "Avaunt, and quit you hypocritical scoundrel! you canting, methodisti-Cooke following with the poker. cal thief! Am I, George Frederick Cooke, to be controlled by such a would-be puritan as you? I'll teach you to dictate to a tragedian !"-then pulling off his coat, and holding his fist in a menacing attitude, "Come out," said he, "thou prince of deceivers! though thou hast faith to remove mountains, thou shalt not remove me-come out, I say!" With some difficulty he was pacified, and resumed his coat. There was a large fire in the room, before which stood a figure with his skirts under each arm, a pitiful imitation of buckism, very deficient in cleanliness and costume; his face was grimy, and his neckcloth of the same tint, which nevertheless was rolled in various folds about his throat; his hair was matted, and turned up under a round greasy hat, with narrow brims, conceitedly placed on one side of his head. Thus equipped, the filthy fop straddled before the fire, which he completely monopolized. At length he caught the eye of Cooke, who in silent amazement, for the space of half a minute, examined him from top to toe; then turning to his friend, he burst into a A milliner's apprentice being obliged to wait upon horse laugh, and roared out, "Beau nasty, by a duchess, was fearful of committing some error in Heaven!" Perhaps intimidated by Cooke's former her deportment. She therefore went to consult a bluster, this insensible puppy took little notice. friend as to the manner in which she should address Cooke now rose from his seat, and taking up the this great personage: who told her that when whe skirts of his own coat in imitation of the beau, turned came before the duchess she must say her Grant, his back to the fire. "Warm work in the back set- and so forth. Accordingly away went the gul, i tlements, sir," said he; then approaching still nearer, being introduced, after a very low courtesy, she san as if he had some secret to communicate, whispered," For what I am going to receive the Lord make t though loud enough for every one to hear, "Pray, sir, truly thankful," To which the duchess answerei, how is soap?" Soap!" "Yes, sir, soap-they say | Amen! clockwork." "Divorc'd like scissars rent in twain, Now whet and rivetted again, GRACE MAL-A-PROPOS. To Hezekiah, Stopp'd short at once the dismal yell, Tipt with that Mohawk Jealousy's cursed poison, Tho' most tremendously against the grain, When father safely in the ground was lain. Dinah. (Which, to be sure, was wonderous civil) He told him, in a style so warm, "Friend Hez, I find part of a barn, Has been bequeathed thee by my honoured sire1 therefore trust thy stars will be so kind, As to give thee a western wind, When of the eastern part I make a fire!" KEEPING A SECRET. Dr. Paul Hiffernan, an author of no celebrity, but kept in countenance by Garrick, sober or drunk never revealed his residence: he frequented the coffeehouses, and had his letters addressed there, but he ever adroitly evaded letting any one know where he lodged. The wits and wags of the day tried every Duke of Northumberland, used to spend his evenexpedient, but in vain. Mr. Dossie, secretary to the ings at Slaughter's coffee-house, and he had the eccentric, or odd way of insisting upon seeing the last of the company home; and, as Hiffernan was no starter from the bottle, they were frequently the last. The latter, however, had the address to defeat his friend's politeness; for finding that " apologies," and "declining the friendly office," "that he lodged a long way off," &c., all in vain, he then fairly set out towards the city. Dossie persisted till he had got to St. Paul's church-yard: "Pray, doctor, do you Jive much farther ?"-"Oh yes, sir!" says the doctor, "and on that account I told you it would be giving you a great deal of trouble." This revived the other's civility, and on they marched till they reached the Royal Exchange. Here the question was asked again, when the doctor, who found him lagging, and thought he could venture to name some place, replied, that he lived at Bow." contest; Mr. D. confessing he was not able to walk This answer decided the so far, and wishing the doctor a good night, walked back to his lodgings, near Charing Cross, with great composure. And as soon as Mr. Dossie had fairly got the start, Dr. Hiffernau walked home to his own lodgings, in one of the little courts in St. Martin's Lane. BOWELS OF COMPASSION. Caroline, queen of George II. died of a mortification in her bowels, and her body was twisted with towels; the usual method practised in that disorder. As she would not be reconciled to her son even on her death-bed, the circumstance gave rise to the following lines: Here lies wrapt up in twenty towels, The only proof that Caroline had bowels. TORYISM. the curtain drew up! but, when she came to the Lord Chesterfield, on seeing a lady who was a re-scene of parting with her wedding-ring, ah! what a puted jacobite, adorned with orange ribands, at the Thou little tory, where's the jest PUFFING BURlesqued. sight was there! the very fiddlers in the orchestra, "albeit, unused to the melting mood," blubbered like hungry children erying for their bread and butter; and when the bell rang for music between the acts, the tears ran from the bassoon players' eyes in such plentiful showers, that they choked the fingerstops, and making a spout of the instrument, poured in such torrents on the first fiddler's book, that, not seeing the overture was in two sharps, the leader of The following whimsical account of Mrs. Siddons's the band actually played in one flat. But the sobs first appearance in Dublin, is extracted from an old and sighs of the groaning audience, and the noise of Irish newspaper.-"On Saturday, Mrs. Siddons, corks drawn from the smelling bottles, prevented the about whom all the world has been talking, exposed mistake between the flats and sharps being discovered. her beautiful, adamantine, soft, and lovely person, for One hundred and nine ladies fainted! forty-six went the first time, at Smock-Alley Theatre, in the bewitch-into fits! and ninety-five had strong hysterics! The ing, melting, and all-tearful character of Isabella, world will scarcely credit the truth, when they are From the repeated panegyrics in the impartial London told that fourteen children, five old women, one hundred tailors, and six common-councilmen, were acnewspapers, we were taught to expect the sight of a heavenly angel; but how were we supernaturally tually drowned in the inundation of tears that flowed surprised into the most awful joy, at beholding a mortal goddess. The house was crowded with hun-crease the briny pond in the pit; the water was three dreds more than it could hold, with thousands of ad- fee: deep, and the people that were obliged to stand miring spectators, that went away without a sight. upon the benches, were in that position up to their This extraordinary phenomenon of tragic excellence! ankles in tears! An act of parliament against her this star of Melpomene! this comet of the stage! this playing any more will certainly pass." from the galleries, the slips, and the boxes, to in THE CHURCHWARDEN, OR THE FEAST ON A CHILD. illustration. sun of the firmament of the Muses! this moon of blank verse! this queen and princess of tears! this Donnellan of the poisoned bowl! this empress of the pistol and dagger! this chaos of Shakspeare! this The phrase "eating a child," is probably of mysworld of weeping clouds! this Juno of commanding terious import to many persons, though perfectly well aspects! this Terpsichore of the curtains and scenes! understood by those versed in the dialect used among this Proserpine of fire and earthquake this Katter. parochial officers. To assist the uninitiated, the fal felto of wonders! exceeded expectation, went beyond lowing story, founded on fact, may be a sufficient belief, and soared above all the natural powers of description! She was nature itself! She was the most exquisite work of art! She was the very daisy, primrose, tuberose, sweet-brier, furze-blossom, gilli- Ordered a dinner, for themselves and friends; flower, wallflower, cauliflower, aurica, and rosemary! A very handsome dinner, of the best : In short, she was the bouquet of Parnassus! Where Lo! to a turn the different joints were dressedexpectation was raised so high, it was thought she Their lips, wild licking, every man commends would be injured by her appearance; but it was the Loud was the clang of plates, and knives, and arks audience who were injured: several fainted hefore|Delightful was the sound of claret corks, At Knightsbridge, at a tavern called the Swan, That stopped so close and lovingly the bottle: Deep and deep-blushing from the generous pottle. Yes, Larder skipped like harlequin so light; In bread, beer, wine, removal swift of dishes, Nimbly anticipating all their wishes Now this, to man voracious as a kite, Not to be mixed indeed with whores and flames : In came the landlord with a cherub smile : And then he bowed again in such a style! "Hoped gemmen liked the dinner and the wine:" To whom the gemmen answered, “ Very fine A glorious dinner, Larder, to be sure."- The floor. Now in an altered tone-a tone of gravity, Did Mister Guttle, the churchwarden, call"Come hither, Larder," said soft Mister Guttle, With solemn voice and fox-like face so subtle"Larder, a little word or two, that's all." Yes, sir, yes-yes-she lived with Mistress Larder; But may I never move, nor never stir, If but for impudence we did discard her! No, Mister Guttle-Betty was too brassyWe never keep a servant that is saucy." "But, landlord-Betty says she is with child." "What's that to me ? quoth Larder, looking wild"I never kissed the hussy in my life, Nor hugged her round the waist, nor pinched her cheek; Never once put my hand upon her neck Lord, sir, you know that I have got a wife. I had been wicked with the girl-alack, Then quickly in the fire had been the fat- It was impossible to be unchaste: Therefore it never can be true, you see- "Well," answered Guttle, "Man, I'll tell ye whatYour wind and eloquence you now are wasting: Whether Miss Betty hit your taste or not, There's good round proof enough that you've been But Betty was not a bad piece of stuff.”— "Well, Mister Guttle, may I drop down dead, If ever once I crept to Betty's bed? And that, I'm sure, is swearing strong enough." "But, Larder, all your swearing will not do, If Betty swears that she's with child by you. Now Betty came and said she'd swear at onceBut you know best-yet mind, if Betty'll swear, And then again! should Mistress Larder hear, Writing elephants !—Cælius Rhodiginus says, that [all-elephants have been sometimes known to write. The Lord have mercy, Larder, on thy sconce. You could not put your nose into a shop- With Mrs. Bobbin, Salmon, Muff, and Slop, Poor Larder fell to looks as black as night; Large tortoises.-Diodorus Siculus tells us, that the tortoises in the Indian sea are so large, that the people sail in their shells on the rivers, as well as in little cock-boats. A bull changing his colour like the chameleon— Macrobius describes a wonderful bull in the city of Hermynta, that the people worshipped, which changed so his colour every hour in the day." A Woman becoming a man.-Pliny says, (see also Cicero de Divinatione,) that Lelia Cossuria, being a guilt-woman, was turned into a man upon the day of her marriage. And now his head he scratched, importing In native bloom she walks the world with state; Painted and mean, and shuffling in her gait; That all the world will find her out. That shrinking show when tongues tell lies- Each word so heavy, like a cart-horse drawing Large ants.-Rhodius says, the ants in India are larger than foxes. Women more modest when drowned than men.— Pliny tells us, that a dead body in the water, if it be a man, in rising, hath his face upward towards heaven; but, if it be a woman, she ariseth with her face downward. Some men walk after their heads are cut Averroes de Med. said, that he saw a poor unfortunate patient, who, having his head taken off, walked ta and fro, for a small while, in sight of all the people. It is also written of Dionysius Aeropagita, thai, afr his head was smitten off, he walked certain paces Some say it was a league and more from the place of his execution. St. Denys did the same. Peacock's flesh will never corrupt.-This is d monstrated by St. Augustine, when treating of the resurrection! |