DEFINITION OF A HEAD. A head, to speak in the gardener's style, is a mere bulbous excrescence, growing out from between the shoulders like a wen, it is supposed to be a mere expletive, just to wear a hat on, to fill up the hollow of a wig, to take snuff with, or have your hair dressed upon. Some of these heads are manufactured in wood, some in paste-board, which is a hint to show there nay pot only be block-heads, but also paper-skulls. Physicians acquaint us that, upon any fright or larm, the spirits fly up into the head, and the blood ushes violently back to the heart: hence it is oliticians compare the human constitution, and the ation's constitution, together; they supposing the ead to be the court end of the town, and the heart le country; for people in the country seem to e taking things to heart, and people at court only em to wish to be at the head of things. We make a mighty bustle about the twenty-four tters; how many changes they can ring, and how any volumes they have composed; yet, let us look on the many millions of mankind, and see if any o faces are alike. Nature never designed several ces which we see, it is the odd exercise they give ⚫ muscles belonging to their visages occasions such ks. As for example; we meet in the streets with eral people talking to themselves, and seem much ed with such self-conversation; some people we starting at every thing, and wondering with a lish face of praise; some laughing, some crying. crying and laughing are contrary effects, the least ration of features occasions the difference, it is ing up the muscles to laugh, and down to cry. et laughter is much mistaken, no person being able of laughing, who is incapable of thinking. some people, suddenly break aloud into violent ms, ha, ha, ha! and then, without any grada, change at once into downright stupidity. BATTLE OF DETTINGEN. eorge IL commanded at the battle of Dettingen, bis horse ran away with him into the French oa which his majesty alighted, and charged the enemy on foot; "for," said the king, "tho' my horse runs away with me, I am sure my legs will not." SAVING ONE'S BACON. sat down after the dance in the Love-corner, so Mr. C., partner of Miss Bacon at the York Assembly, C. why he saved himself, and did not stand called at the rooms, when one of the dancers asked answered," he did not want to save himself, but to up; he save his Bacon." ON MISS LITTLE. [Addressed to Miss Little, who was very short in stature, on her marriage.] When any thing abounds we find If wives are evils, as 'tis known, And wofully confess'd, The man who's wise will surely own The God of love's a little wight, But beautiful as thought; And all that's sweet-in short! So thinks the poet's song- ACCOMMODATION. The following curious notice was affixed to the remuch from nightly depredators :-" Those persons, sidence of a gentleman, whose premises had suffered who have been in the habit of stealing my fence for a considerable time past, are respectfully informed, that, if equally agreeable to them, it will be more convenient to me if they would steal my wood, and leave the fence for the present; and as it may be some little inconvenience to get over the palings, the gate is left open for their accommodation. (Signed) S. SWIFT." CHASTITY. An English lady asked the mother abbess of a convent at Paris, if the nuns kept the vow of chastity. Yes," said the abbess, I can venture to affirm it. For if it be a crime to cuckold an earthly husband, how much more a heavenly one." EXTEMPORE GRACE BY BEN JONSON, BEFORE KING Our King and Queen, the Lord God bless, That lives and breathes and loves the King. God bless them all, and keep them safe, The king was mightily inquisitive to know who this Ralph was. Ben told him "It was the drawer at the Swanne tavern at Charing-cross, who drew him good Canarie." We dread lest it should excite the cupidity of our Laureate, when we add that, "For this drollery, his majestie gave him a hundred pounds!" SINKING AND SWEARING. Two Jesnits, on their passage to America, were desired by the master to go down into the hold, as a storm was coming on; he told them that they need not apprehend any danger as long as they heard the seamen curse and swear; but if once they were silent, and quiet, he would advise them to betake themselves to prayers. Soon after the lay-brother went to the hatches, to hear what was going forward, when he quickly returned, saying, all was over, for they swore like troopers, and their blasphemy alone was enough to sink the vessel.-"The Lord be praised for it," replied the other," then we are safe." WORSE AND WORSE. MODERN LONDON. And sign your will before you sup from home. Yet e'en these heroes, mischievously gay, In vain, these dangers pass'd, your doors With hemp the gallows and the fleet supply. Scarce can our fields, such crowds at Tybura A single jail, in Alfred's golden reign, EARLY RISING. other slept soundly. The early riser found a p Two penitents, in a procession at Lisbon on Ash-answered the son, but if the owner of it had Wednesday, were comparing notes about their sins, in bed, as I am, he had not lost it." One said, he had lain with his mother." "Ay!' said the other, "but that's a mere peccadillo to my crime, for I laid with my grand-mother." * A technical term in parliament for raising money. The nation was then discontented at the repea made by George the Second to Hanover. A CONTRAST. A very passionate general calling one morning on ir Robert Walpole, found his servant shaving him. buring the conversation, Sir Robert said mildly, John, you cut me ;" and continued the former subet of discourse. Presently he said again, "John, you it me;" but as mildly as before: and soon after he id occasion to say it again; when the general rting up in a rage, said, swearing a great oath, If Sir Robert d doubling his fist at the servant, a bear it, I cannot; and if you cut him once more, han, I'll knock you down." THE POWER OF MUSIC. AN OVERSIGHT.. A lady of fashion once declaimed to a lady of quality, in public company, against second marriages: the lady whom she addressed had been twice married; and she had recently been married to her own second husband. When reminded of this she exclaimed, "Bless me! my dear, I had quite forgotten it." FAT FOLKS. Prince Harry and Falstaff, in Shakspeare, have carried the ridicule upon fat and lean as far as it will go. Falstaff is humorously called Wool-Sack, Bed Presser, and Hill of Flesh; Harry, a Starveling, an Eel's-skin, a Sheath, a Bow-case, and a Tuck. FAT AND LEAN CLUBS. In a considerable market town, there was a club of fat men, that did not come together (as you may well suppose) to entertain one another with sprightliness and wit, but to keep one another in countenance; the room where the club met was something of the largest, and had two entrances, the one by a door of moderate size, and the other by a pair of folding A young gentleman having attempted many ways doors. If a candidate for this corpulent club could vain to acquire the affections of a lady of great make his entrance through the first, he was looked une, at last was resolved to try what could be done upon as not qualified, but if he stuck in the passage the help of music, and therefore entertaiped her and could not force his way through it, the folding ha serenade under her window at midnight; but doors were immediately thrown open for his reception, ordered her servants to drive him away by throw-aud he was saluted as a brother. I have heard that stones at him: "Oh, my friend," said one of his panions, "your music is as powerful as that of heus, for it draws the very stones about you." DECENCY AND DANGER. fire happening next door to a gentleman's house, as a full half hour before he could prevail on his quit her room, into which she had locked herAi length, she came forth, greatly alarmed, in Drift, her under petticoat, and one long ruffie on rm" Bless my soul!" cried her husband, at a while you have been, and knew the next to be on fire!" "I can't help it, my dear," abe, if our own was in flames; I only stopped Je myself decent.", this club, though it consisted but of fifteen persons, weighed above three tons. In opposition to this society, there sprung up another, composed of scarecrows and skeletons; who being very meagre and envious, did all they could to thwart the designs of their bulky brethren, whom they represented as men of dangerous principles; till at length they worked them out of the favour of the people, and consequently out of the magistracy. Those factions tore the corporation to pieces for several years, till at length they came to this accommodation; that the two bailiffs of the town should be annually chosen out of the two clubs, by which means the principal magistrates are at this day SPECTATOR coupled like rabbits, one fat and one lean. LOSS OF MEMORY. The count Grammont, who had attached, if not engaged himself to Miss Hamilton, abruptly went off for France ; count George Hamilton, her brother, pursued and overtook him at Dover, when he thus addressed him: "My dear friend, I believe you have forgotten a circumstance that should take place before your return to France." To which Grammont replied, True, my dear friend; what a memory I have I quite forgot that I was to marry your sister; but will instantly accompany you back to Loudon, and rectify that forgetfulness." A DISGUISE. A remarkably dirty man, soliciting his friend's advice how he should dress himself for a masquerade, received the following answer: Only just wash your hands and face, put on a clean shirt, and I'll be hanged if any one will know you." ELEGIAC EXPOSTULATION TO AN UNFORTUNATE TAILOR ✪ thou whose visionary bills unpaid, Long as thy measure, o'er my slumber stream; Whose goose, hot hissing through the midnight shade, Disturbs the transport of each softer dream! Why do imaginary needles wound? Why do thy shears cut short my fleeting joys? The ghost of shreds and patches, awful rise? Vain from thy shopboard the eternal sigh; Can sorrow fill this empty purse of mine! Fond man! while pausing o'er that gloomy page Nor on them canst thou for prompt payment ca Of cloth, from fancy's loom all superfine; With strength heroic every ill to bear, Not better broadcloth braves the angry storm, And constant patience is delightful wear. Be patient then, and wise, nor meanly shrink Beneath despondency's tumultuous blast: The reckoning day may come when least you the A joyful day, though miracles are passa. SHORT COMMONS. A gentleman being at St. Margaret's, We on a fast day, observed to another that thert very few of the members of the house of com assembled. "Is that to be wondered at remed other? Why I thought you understood the w the proclamation better; observe you not that is enjoins short commons every where ! A BOTTLE CONJURER. MODERATE WISHES. Let Alexander's discontented soul An Irish gentleman, sojourning at a dashing hotel, felt much annoyed at the smallness of the bottles, considering the high price of wine. One evening, taking his glass with a friend in the coffee-room, the pompous owner came in, when the gentleman after apologizing, told him, he and his friend had laid a And Curwen's country house on Windermerewager, which he must decide, by telling him what A beauteous wife, and sensible as fair, I only ask twelve thousand pounds a year, profession he was bred to. Mine host, after some And many a friend, and not a single care. esitation at the question, answered, that he was bred o the law. Then," said the gentleman, "I have A sturgeon floating in a golden dishost, for I laid that you was bred a packer." I am no glutton--no! I never wish acker, sir!" said the host swelling like a turkey-Three guineas for my dinner every day. "A At the Piazza satisfied to pay ock, what could induce you, sir, to think I was ed a packer?" "Why, sir," said the other, “ adged so from your wine measures, for I thought no ne but a skilful packer could put a quart of wine to a pint bottle." A DAY TOO LATE. La Fontaine was so absent as to call and visit a end whose funeral he had attended. He was much rprised at first, but recollecting himself, said "It is Le enough, for I was there." REMEDY FOR DULNESS. An author reading a tragedy to a friend who was roctor, when he had gone through three acts, asked his opinion. "Why really," replied the proctor, e third act is so full of distress, that I do not see how can possibly heighten it in the following ones; and a consequently it will grow flat." "O!" said the bor," let me alone for that, I intend in the very tact to put my hero into the spiritual court," I 447 only ask the eloquence of Fox, THE GHOST OF HAMLET HODGSON. Goodman's-fields, the stage rose so much from the During the time of Mr. Garrick's performance in lamps to the back scenery, that it was very difficult for a performer to walk properly on it, and unfortunately it was then the custom to introduce their ghosts in a complete suit, not of gilt leather, but of real arnight, in honour of Mr. Garrick's Hamlet, borrowed mour. The dress for this august personage was one from the Tower, and was consequently rather too ponderous for the ghost of the royal Dane. The moment, therefore, he was put up at the trap door, unable to keep his balance, he rolled down the stage to the lamps, which catching the feathers of his helmet, the ghost seemed in danger of being consumed by mortal fires, till a gentleman roared from the pit, |