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him; but I must do him the Justice to say, that I never saw him disguised with liquor in my life. It is true, he is a very large man, and can hold a great deal, which makes the colonel call him pleasantly enough, a vessel of election.
AN Aurnon's iNtroduction to THE club.
My friend presented me to the company, in what he thought the most obliging manner; but which, I confess, put me a little out of countenance. “Give me leave, gentlemen,” said he, “to present to you my old friend, the ingenious author of the World.” The word author instantly excited the attention of the whole company, and drew all their eyes upon me: for people who are not apt to write themselves, have a straage curiosity to see a live author. The gentlemen received ine in common, with those gestures that intimate, welcome; and I, on my part, respectfully muttered some of those nothings which stand instead of the something one should say, and perhaps do full as well. -
The weather being hot, the gentlemen were refreshing themselves before dinner, with what they called a cool tankard, in which they successivel drank to me. When it came to my turn, I i. could not decently decline drinking the gentlemen's healths, which I did aggregately; but how was I surprised, when upon the first taste I discovered that this cooling and refreshing draught was composed of the strongest nountain wine, lowered indeed with a very little lemon and water, but then heightened again, by a quantity of those comfortable aromatics, nutmeg and ginger! Dinner, which had been called for more than once with some impatience, was at last brought up, upon the colonel's threatening perdition to the master and all the waiters of the house, if it was delayed two minutes longer.—We sat down without ceremony, and we were no sooner sat down, than every body, except myself, drank every body's health, which made a tumultuous kind of noise. I observed with surprise, that the common quantity of wine was put into glasses of an immense size and weight; but my surprise ceased when I saw the uemulous hands that took them, and for which I
supposed they were intended as ballast. But even this precaution did not protect the nose of doctor Carbuncle from a severe shock, in his attempt to hit his mouth. The colonel, who observed this accident, cried out pleasantly, “Why, doctor, I find you are but a bad engineer. While you aim at your mouth, you will never hit it, take my word for it. A floating battery to hit the mark, must be pointed something above or below it. If you would hit your mouth, direct your four-pounder at your forehead or your chin.” The doctor good-humouredly thanked the colonel for the hint, and promised him to communicate it to his friends at Oxford, where, he owned, that he had seen many a good glass of Port spilt for want of it. , Sir Tunbelly almost smiled, Sir George laughed, and the whole company, somehow or other, applauded this elegant piece of raillery. But alas, things soon took a less o: turn; for an enormous buttock of boiled salt beef, which had succeeded the soup, proved not to be sufficiently corned for Sir Tunbelly, who had bespoke it; and at the same time Lord Feeble took a dislike to the claret, which he affirmed not to be the same which they drank the day before; it had no silkiness, went rough off the tongue, and his lordship shrewdly suspected that it was mixed with Benecarlo, or some of those black wines. This was a common cause, and excited universal attention, The whole company tasted it seriously, and every one found a different fault with it. The master of the house was immediately sent for up, examined, and treated as a criminal. Sir Tunbelly reproached him with the freshness of the beef, while at the same time all the others fell upon him for the badness of his wine, telling him that it was not fit usage for such good customers as they were, and in fine threatening him with the migration of the club to some other house. The criminal laid the blame of the beef's not being corned enough upon his cook, whom he promised to turn away; and attested heaven and earth that the wine was the very same which they had all approved of the day before; and as he . a soul to be saved, was true Chateau Margoux. “Chateau devill” said the colonel with warmth : “it is your d-drough Chaos wine.” Will Sitfast,
who thought himself obliged to articulate upon this occasion, said he was not sure it was a mixed wine, but that indeed it drank down. “If that is all,” interrupted the doctor, “let us e'en drink it up then. Or, if that won't do, since we cannot have the true Falernum, let us take up for once with the vile Sabinum. What say you, gentlemen, to good honest Port, which I am convinced is a much wholesomer stomach wine?” My friend, who in his heart loves Port better than any other wine in the world, willingly seconded the doctor's motion, and spoke very favourably of your Portugal wines in general, if neat. Upon this some was immediately brought up, which I observed my friend and the doctor stuck to the whole evening. I could not help asking the doctor if he really preferred Port to lighter wines? To which he answered, “You know, Mr. Fitz-Adam, that use is second nature, and Port is in a manner mother's milk to me; for it is what my Alma Mater suckles all her numerous progeny with.” I silently assented to the doctor's account, which I was convinced was a true one, and then attended to the judicious animadversions of the other gentlemen upon the claret, which were still continued, though at the same time they continued to drink it. I hinted my surprise at this to Sir Tunbelly, who gravely answered me, and in a moving way, “Why, what can we do?” “Not drink it,” replied I, “since it is not good.” “But what will you have us do? and how shall we pass the evening 2" rejoined the baronet. “One cannot go home at five o'clock.” “That depends a great deal upon use,” said I. “It may be so, to a certain degree,” said the doctor. “ ho give me leave to ask you, Mr. Fitz-Adam, you who drink nothing but water, and live much at home, how do you keep up your spirits?” “Why, doctor,” said I, “ as I never lowered my spirits by strong liquors, I do not want to raise them.” Here we were interrupted by the colonel's raising his voice and indignation against the Burgundy and Champaign, swearing that the former was ropy, and the latter upon the fret, and not without some suspicion of cider and sugar-candy; notwithstanding which, he
drank, in a bumper of it, Confusion to the town of
Bristol and the bottle act. “It was a shame," he said, “that gentlemen could have no good Burgundies and Champaigns for the sake of some increase of the revenue, the manufacture of gloss-bottles, and such sort of stuff.” Sir George confirmed the same, adding, that it was scandalous ; and the whole cornpany agreed, that the new parliament would certainly repeal so absurd an act the very first session; but if they did not, they hoped they would receive instructions for that purpose from their constituents. “To be sure,” said the colonel. “What a ti—d rout they made about the repeal of the Jew.bill, for which nobody cared one farthing.—But by the way,” tentinued he, “I think, every body has done eating, and therefore had we not better have the dinnot taken away, and the wine set upon the table "—To this the company gave an unanimous Ay. While thus was doing, I asked my friend, with seemiug seriousaess, whether no part of the dinner was to be served again, when the wine should be set upon the table? He seemed surprised at my question, and asked toe if i was hungry 3 To which I -answered, no; but asked him in my turn if he was dry 2 To which he also answered, no. “Then pray,” replied I, “why not as well eat without being hungry, as drink without being dry 2”—My friend was so stunned with this, that he attempted no reply, but staied at me with as much astonishment as he would have done at my great ancestor Adam in his primitive state of nature. The cloth was now taken away, and the bottles, glasses, and dish-clouts, put upon the table, when Will Sitfast, who I found was a perpetual toastmaster, teok the chair of course, as the man of application to business. He began the king's health in a bumper, which circulated in the same manner, not without some nice examinations of the chairmar. as to day-light. The bottle standing by me. I was called upon by the chairman, who added, that though a water-drinker, he hoped I would bettefuse that health in wine? I begged to be excused. -->i told him that I never drank his majesty's healis at ali, though no one of his subjects wished it acre heartily than I did. That hitherto it had sco Fpeared to me that there could be the least relation between the wine I drank, and the king's state of health; and that till I was convinced that impairing my own health would improve his majesty's, I was resolved to preserve the use of my faculties and my limbs to employ both in his service, if he should ever have occasion for them. I had foreseen the consequeuces of this refusal; and though my friend had answered for my principles, I easily discovered an air of suspicion in the countenances of the company; and I overheard the colonel whisper to Lord Feeble, “This author is a very odd dog.”
An Irish gentleman, named Mahon, an amateur of the drama, once took it into his head to play the part of M #" O'Flaherty, in the comedy of Theirest Indian.-He acted like any thing ; and, at the conclusion of the play, was convinced he could never hope to make any other than a pitiful figure upon the stage. The same night, he supped at a tavern with a party of friends; where they stayed late, and got very drunk. In their way home, one of the company gave Mahon into custody of the patrole, on a charge of murder: protesting he had seen him commit the horrid act.—Mahon was confined for the night, and taxen before a justice next morning.—The magistrate then demanded of the gentleman, who had given the charge, on whom Mr. Mahon had committed the dreadful deed, which he stood accused—whom had he murdered —” A very worthy gentleman, named Major O'Flaherty,” replied the other ; “and be treated him with less mercy than you would a
* M R. FOX AND J Ack Robi Nison. The late Mr. Fox, in the course of a speech in the House of Commons, when he was enlarging on the influence exercised by government over the members, observed, that it was generally understood that there was a person employed by the minister as manager of the House of Commons; here there was a general cry of “Name him ' name him "-" No,” said Mr. Fox, “I don't choose to name him, though I might do it as easily as say Jack Robinson.” John Robinson was really his name. .
cu it it ENCY. A drunken fellow carried his wife's bible to pawn for a quartern of gin to the alehouse, but the landlord refused to take it. “What the devil" said the fellow, “will neither my word nor the word of God pass current with you?”
siR GEO role Rook.
Sir George Rook, before he was made admiral, served as a captain of marines upon their first establishment; and being quartered on the coast of Essex, where the ague made havoc among his men, the minister of the village where he lay was so harassed with the duty, that he refused to bury any more of them without being paid his accustomed fees. The captain made no words, but the next that died he ordered to be carried to the minister's house, and laid upon the table of his great hall; this greatly embarrassed the poor clergyman, who in the fulness of his heart sent the captain word, “That if he would cause the dead man to be taken away, he would never more dispute it with him, but would readily bury him and his whole company for nothing.”
DEAN swift's 1N v ENtory of household goods, upon his lending his house to the Bishop of Meath, till his palace was rebuilt, An oaken broken elbow chair, A caudle cup without an ear, A batter'd, shatter'd, ash bedstead, A box of deal without a lid,
Bitek’s blind puppies, sirteen to the litter "
A pair of tongs beat out of joint,
A Good FELLow.
* The secretary of a literary society being requested to draw up “a definition of a good fellow,” applied to the members of the club, individually, for such hints as they could furnish, when he received the following :— Mr. Golightly.—A good fellow is one who rides blood horses, drives four-in-hand, speaks when he's spoken to, sings when he's asked, always turns his back on a dun, and never on a friend. Mr. Le Blanc.—A good fellow is one who studies deep, reads trigonometry, and burns love songs; has a most cordial aversion for dancing and D'Egville, and would rather encounter a cannon than a fancy ball. Hon. G. Montgomery.—A good fellow is one who abhors moralists and mathematics, and adores the classics and Caroline Mowbray. Sir T. Wentworth.--A good fellow is one who attends the Fox dinners, and drinks the queen's health, who goes to the Indies to purchase independence, and would rather encounter a buffalo than a boroughmonger.
Mr. M. Sterling.—A good fellow is a good teishbour, a good citizen, a good relation; in short, a good man. Mr. M'Farlane.—A good fellow is a bonnie braw John Hielandman. Mr. O'Connor—A good fellow is one who talks loud and swears louder; cares little about learning, and less about his neckcloth; loves whiskey, petronises bargemen, and wears nails in his shoes. Mr. Musgrave—A good fellow is prime—flashand bang-up. Mr. Burton. A good fellow is one who knows “what's what,” keeps accounts, and studies Cocker. Mr. Rowley. A good fellow likes turtle and rold punch, drinks Port when he can't get Champagne, and dines on mutton with sir Robert, when he can't get venison at my lord's. Mr. Lozell. A good fellow is something compounded of the preceding. Mr. Oakley. A good fellow is something perfectly different from the preceding, or Mr. Oakley to all as S.
No soon eit said thax inoxE. Jeremy White, one of Oliver Cronwell's domestic chaplains, paid his addresses to lady Frances, tie Protector's youngest daughter. Oliver was till as it by a spy; who followed the matter so closely. tsal he pursued Jerry to the lady's chamber, and fin unmediately to the Protector with this news. Oliver a a rage hastened thither himself, and göing in oasily, found Jerry on his knees, kissing thalady's hand. is a fury he asked what was the .#. of that Poture before his daughter. White said, - Ala, it Please your highness, I have a long time couru dast young gentlewoman there, my lady's woman, and cannot prevail; I was therefore humbly Prayag ser ladyship to intercede for me.” The Protector turning to the young woman cried, “What's the meaning of this, hussey? Why do you refuse the honour Mr. White would do you? He is my friend, and I expect you should treat him as such.” My lady's woman, who desired nothing more, with a very low courtesy, replied, “If Mr. White intends me that honour, I shall not be against him.” “Say you so, my lass 2" cried Cromwell, “call Godwyn ; this business shall be done presently, before I go out of the room.” Mr. White had gone too far to retreat; the parson came, and Jerry and my lady's woman were married in the presence of the Protector.
house on FIRE.
A man was sitting in his study at work, when one of his neighbours came running to tell him that the back part of his house must be on fire, as it smoked excessively: “Oh 1” answered the man, “be so good as to tell my wife, for I do not concern myself at all with the house-keeping.”
ritu it basket. A man carrying a cradle was stopped by an old woman, and thus accosted: “So, sir, you have got some of the fruits of matrimony.” “Softly, old lady," said he, “you mistake, this is merely the fruit basket."
ow PETER WILSON, WHO WAS DROWNED. Peter was in the ocean drown'd, A carcless, hapless creature And when his lifeless trunk was found, It was become salt-Peter.
praf NChi M A N AND pigs. A Frenchman one day seeing a sow and a litter of pigs pass, stood for some time adiniring them, till he ional an opportunity of popping one under his coat, and running off with it. This he attempted, but was pursued by a hostler, who overtook and seized him with the pig in his possession. He was taken to Bowstreet, and fully committed. When the trial came on, the circumstance of the theft being clearly proved,
he was found guilty, and asked what he had to sa why sentence should not be passed “Me Lor, I vil trouble you attendez two tree vord vat I sal say. I French gentleman, I no understand vat you call de tief dis country. , Mais I vil tell you tout d'affair, and you vil find dat I am innocent. Me Lor, I never tief a pig my life time.” “Why, it was found upon you.” “Oh, certainly, but I was take him vid his own consent.” “How do you mean 2" “Vy, ven I was see de mamma pig, and his childrens, I was very much in love vid dem ; and dis little pig, I look his face, I say, you pretty little fellow, will you come live vid me for one month He says, a week a week So I have taken hum for a week, dat's all.”
W.A.Ten dini NikiNG.
A citizen's lady being once asked to drink a glass of wine, refused, because her physician had put her upon a regiment, which was to drink water. Then, madam, said a gentleman present, I presume you belong to the Cold-stream.
a port Gre ill. AND LORD BATEMAN.
In March, 1781, lord Bateman waited upon the King, and with a very low bow, begged to know at what hour his majesty would please to have the stag hounds turned out. I cannot exactly answer that, replied the King, but I can inform you, that our lordship was turned out about two hours ago. he marquis Caermarthen succeeded him.
The PROGRESS OF PUPPYISM.
Rough as his native clods, to town