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JOURNAL OF AN IXDOLENT MAN,
there was no father entry in the journal) Tuesday, Many years since, the bench of Middlesex justices threatening to contine me all day, lay till after nine
waked at seven ; but the weather belag rajay, and refused' á licence to a publican who put up, Mr. -Ten, breakfasted and read the news-papers-Fery Wilkes for his sign: he told them, so far from being dull and drowsy-Eleven, day clears up, and resolve a friend to Wilkes, that he had hung him up in effigy ; but if he had given offence, he was ready to pull
on a short ride to clear my head. down Wilkes, and hang up the whole bench of Mid
UNCERTAIN RELATIONSHIP. dlesex justices instead.
An Irishman being asked by a friend, " Has your sister got a son or a daughter ?" 2nswered,
“ Faith, I do not yet know whether I am an uncle or Thursday, eleven at night, wen: to bed : ordered my an aunt." servant to wake me at six, resolving to be busy all. next day.
DAGCER MARR AND CARRICK. Friday morning: Waked a quarter before six ; fell A performer, named Marr, was called by Mr. Garasieep again, and did not wake till eight.
rick, Dagger-Marr, from the cruel use he made of such Till nine, read the first act of Voltaire's Mahomet, characters as were allotted him. An actor hasing as it was too late to begin serious business.
made his first appearance, with many evvlept marks Ten : Having swallowed a short breakfast, went of disapprobation from the andience, Lest, n'a out for a moment in my slippers—The wind having had not perforned that night, took Mr. Gare au left the east, am engaged by the beaniy of the day, to and said to him " I say, little one, this was not fair continue my walk-Find a situation by the river, if there was to be a murder committed to-mizhet, i where the sound of my flute produced a very singular had as much right to have a hand in it, as any buty and beautiful echo- make a stanza and a half by way
else." of address to it-visit the shepherd lying ill of a low
SOLDIEN'S EriSTLE fever-find him somewhat beiter (Mem, to send him
An epistle from one Sergeant Hall of the Foot some wine)—meet the parson, and cannot avoid ask-Guards. It is directed, " To Sergeant Cale, in the ing him to dinner-returning home, find my reapers Coldstream Regiment of Foot-Guards, at the Redat work-superintend them in the absence of John, lattice in the Butcher-row, near Temple Bar. whom I send to inform the house of the parson's visit -read, in the mean time, part of Thomson's Seasons,
From the Cump before Mors, Sept. 26. which I had with me from one to six, plagued with “ COMRADE, the parson's news and stories-take up Mahomet to “ I received yours, and am glad yourself and yos put me in good humour-finish it, the time allotted wife are in good health, with all the rest of my takas for serious study being elapsed-at eight, applied to Our battalion suffered more than I could wish it for advice by a poor countryman, who had been op- action. But who can withstand fate? Poor Raat pressed-cannot say as to the law: give him some Stevenson had his fate with a great mos ra: Ile money-walk out at sun-set, to consider the causes of was killed dead before we entered the trioches. We the pleasure arising from it-at nine, sup, and sit till had above two hundred of our battalions ulled N eleven hearing my nephew read, anil conversing with wounded: We lost ten sergeants, six are 23 full sr*). my mother, who was remarkably well and cheerful-Jennings, Castles, Roach, Sherriag, Mernet, ar go to bed.
son Smith. The rest are not your acquaintant. I Saturday : Some company arrived-to be filled up have received a very bad shot in my helye dest to-morrow--(for that and the two succeediug days, I am in hopes, and, please God, I shall recorrer. I
continue in the field, and lie at my colonel's quarters. Item, To my daughter Elizabeth, Arthur is very well; but I can give you no account of My receipt for preserving dead caterpillars, Elms : he was in the hospital before I came into the As also my preparations of winter May-dew, and field. I will not pretend to give you an account of embryo-pickle. the battle, knowing you have a better in the prints. Item, To my little daugbter Fanny, Pray give my service to Mrs. Cook and her daughter, Three crocodile's eggs.
Mr. Stoffet and his wise, and to Mr. Lyver, and And upon the birth of her first child, if she marries, Thomas Hogsdon, and to Mr. Ragdell, and to all my with her mother's consent, friends and acquaintance in general who do ask after The nest of a humming-bird. me. My love to Mrs. Stevenson. I am sorry for the Item, To my eldest brother, as an acknowledgment sending such ill news. Her husband was gathering for the lands he has vested in any son Charles, I bea little money together to send to luis wife, and put it queath into my hands. I have seven shillings and threepence,
My last year's collection of grasshoppers. which I shall take care to send her. Wishing your Item, To his daughter Susanna, being his only wife a safe delivery, and both of you all happiness, child, I bequeath my rest --Your assured friend and comrade,
English weeds pasted on royal paper, “ John Hall.
With my large folio of Indian cabbage. “We had but an indifferent breakfast ; but the Item, To my learned and worthy friend Doctor Noypseers never had such a dinner in their lives. Johannes Elscrickius, professor in anatomy, and my
* My kind love to my comrade Hinton, and Mrs. associate in the studies of Nature, as an eternal Morgan, and to John Brown and his wife. I sent monument of my affection and friendship for him, I Stevenson two shillings and sixpence to drink with bequeath you at Mr. Cook's; but I have heard nothing from My rat's tail and him. It was by Mr. Edgar.
Whale's fin, “Corporal Hartwell desires to be remembered to to him and bis issue-male ; and in default of such you, and desires you to inquire of Edgar, what is be- issue in the said Doctor Elscrickius, then to return to come of his wise Peg; and when you write, to send my executor and his heirs for ever. word in your letter what trade she drives.
Having fully provided for my nephew Isaac, by " We have here very bad weather, which I doubt making over to him some years since will be a hinderance to the siege ; but I am in hopes
A horned scarabæus, we shall be masters of the town in a little time, and
The skin of a rattlesnake, and, theo I believe we shall go to garrison."
The mummy of an Egyptian King,
I make no farther provision for him in this my will. THE WILL OF A VIRTUOSO.
My eldest son John having spoke disrespectfully
of his little sister, whom I keep by me in spirits of : 1. Nicholas Gimcrack, being in sound health of wine, and in many other instances behaved himself miad, but in great weakness of body, do by this my undutifully towards me, I do disinherit, and wholly last will and testament bestow my worldly goods and cut off from any part of this my personal estate, by chattels in manner following:
giving him a single cockle-shell. Imprimis, to my dear wise,
To my second son Charles, I give and bequeath all One box of butterflies,
my flowers, plants, minerals, mosses, shells, pebbles, One drawer of shells,
fossils, beetles, butterflies, caterpillars, grasshoppers, A female skeleton,
and vermin, not above specified : As also all my monA dead cocatrice.
sters both wet and dry; making the said Charles whole
and sole executor of this my last will and testament, drew his white pocket handkerchief from his pocket he paying, or causing to be paid, the aforesaid lega- (as he thought,) which he flourished with great effect cies within the space of six months after my decease. for some seconds, till, swearing for the truth of the love And I do hereby revoke all other wills whatsoever by he professed, his eyes caught the coloured silk kere me formerly made.
chief in his hand, and be finished the passage thus : CALAMITIES OF AN AUTHOR.
"Lady, by yonder blessed moon, I swear! A young author, a man of good-nature and learn- That this is too bad, by G-S-Play Romeo with ing, once complained of the misplaced generosity an angel, and take out a spuffy pocket-bandkerchief! of the times
. 'Here, said he, have I spent part of -Oh!.fy! for shame, go to school and learn promy youth in attempting to instruct and amuse my priety." fellow-creatures, and all my reward has been so
STAGE COACH PARCE. litude, poverty, and reproach ; while a fellow, possessed even of the smallest share of fiddling merit,
Mr. Watson (proprietor of the Cheltenham theatre) or who has, perhaps, learned to whistle double, is re
was once acting in a farce called The Stage Coach, warded, applauded, and caressed! Prithee young man, and the whole of the entertainment was so bad that said a friend to him, are you ignorant, that, in so large the audience loudly testified their disapprobation. a city as this is, it is better to be an amusing than an Towards the conclusion, an Irish gentleman in the useful member of society ? Can you leap up, and pit, who had not been much pleased with his journey, touch your feet four times before you come to the inquired of Mr. Watson, then on the boards, whether ground? No, Sir. Can you pimp for a man of quality ? the Stage Coach was likely to have a run ? Because." No, Sir. Can you stand upon two horses at full speed continued he, “if it is so, I shall beg leave to be an No, Sir. Can you swallow a pen-knife? I can do outside passenger !” none of these tricks. Why, then, cried I, there is no
SAGACIOUS doo. other prudent means of subsistence left, but to apprize the town, that you speedily intend to eat up your own of Bedford, at Woburn, when preparations are not
Mr. Sheridan was once on a visit to the dule nose by subscription.
ing to take the field against the partridges on the tint
of September. A learned barrister of the party was When the fleet commanded by earl Howe was so endeavouring to improve his skill by firiv at a wark, long stationed at Torbay, just previous to brs signal which he could never hit, and, in excuse for bes bad victory over the French, the inhabitants used to play aim, complained of his dog, which was to: 1 upon his name, saving :
trained, and who, at every moment he was about to Lord Howe be went out!
tire his piece, always jumped up against the mart, Lord Howe he came in !
“although,” said he, "I thought he was as sa 2018 After the victory, the following toast was much in an aniinal as ever lived." " Sagacious ipek * vogue.
said Mr. Sheridan, " and he has proved it, fox Inal May the French know Howe to be master of the seas. conceive he could be any where so safe from your slending
as by Aying at the mark you aim ar." Mr. Miller, the comedian, had a strong predilection for juvenile characters. Mrs. Achmet, late of Covent GHOSTS, OR THE QUESTION SOLVER Garden theatre, being engaged to play a few nights That ghosts now and then on this globe would arpee, at Shrewsbury, selected Juliet for her first part; and Dick denied with his tongue, but confess'd by his bar the gay Mr. Miller put his own name up for Romeo. And passing a church-yard one evening in frgtit In the garden scene, with true tragic solemnity, he He met, and thus queried, a guardian of night;
• A NATURAL ACTOR.
"Did you e'er see a ghost in your watchings, I pray?, say he did not wait for an invitation, yet as he had You're here at all hours, and the thing's in your given some good-will, he took the stock at a fair apway."
praisement, and set up on the old premises, where “ Not I," said the watchman" and good reason he and his wife got a comfortable livelihood : they why,
dyingMen never come back when you get them to die: Anne, his wife's sister, came in by her own right, If lo heaven they go, they are not so to blame, and carried on business with great reputation, while
To return to this world of vexation to fret 'em, she employed honest and experienced journeymen ; And if to that place its uncivil to name,
but, turning these away, her credit sunk extremely I fancy, your honour, the devil won't let 'em." towards the latter end of her time, through the blunTHE TRADE AND MYSTERY OF KINGLY GOVERNMENT and some others. She dying without issue, in that
ders and mismanagement of one Harley, her foreman, IN ENGLAND. Scotch Jemmy, the presumptive bastard of an William the Dutchman, was left to the present
case the business, which was much extended by Italian fiddler, was born in Scotland. Turning out family, the first of whom was a bonny lad, and of quick parts, he was put out ap
George, and whom we shall call the first; who prentice, in that kingdom, to the business of King-craft,
was succeeded by his son(on which he afterwards wrote a treatise, and called it by that name ;) to this he served part of his time very good sort of men, though both were much
George the Second; who, with his father, were there, and the remainder in England as a turnover : blamed for neglecting their business, by gadding to a be dyinga
dirty farm called Hanover ; his namesake and grandCharles his son succeeded him; but, ambitiously grasping at too much business, proved unfortunate,
George the Third began with a fair prospect; but, and left the shop to his sou : he made large additions being over-ruled and miguided by a favourite servant, to his father's work, by interweaving it with priest- lost great part of the business. craft.
Charles the Second was for some time kept out of possession by one Oliver Cromwell, who took the
The late Mrs. Williams (an actress, and wife to a shop over his father's head; and who, although not performer) being at Birmingham, one summer, with regularly bred, proved a most subtile, industrious, her husband, they advertised, for their benefit, and able workman. Cromwell dying, this Charles favourite song, with accompaniments on the French came and opened shop; but carried on business
horns, by Mr. Williams,- On the night no horns
very indifferently, owing, as it is said to bad company, came, and Mrs. Williams ran about the theatre, debeing much addicted to lewd women, revelling with claring she was ruined: the musicians had disapbuffoons, jesters, and stage-players : he dying
pointed her, and he could not sing his song without Jemmy the Second, his brother, an apprentice, horns.-“ Never mind,”
said a musician present, came on trial; but breaking his oath with his
“ that cannot be any drawback- you have taken masters, he forfeited his indenture, ran away, and care that he shall never be without horns !"" was transported for life; and though his son and his grandsor have endeavoured to follow the business Mr. Colman the younger inquired, one very sultry abroad, they have turned out but mere Pretenders. evening, if the performers' orders went; and, being He was succeeded by one
answered in the negative, he exclaimed :“Why, it Waliam, a Dutchman, who married before he is so hot that desk and blood can't bear it; and, barked from Holland; and though-some authors surely, the bones ought to go!"
A PRUDENT WIFE.
HOW TO ANSWER
Still Charley shrewdly guess'd how matters were, TAE WATCHMAN'S MISTAKE.
And hasten'd home to adjust the business there,
And change for corderoy, the kerseymere. One frosty night, a few weeks since, not more, The corderoys, however, now were gone, Charley, instead of six, trudg'd home at four: And his frail rib with him wbo'd put them on; 'Twas piercing cold and would be death to stay Time, she conceiv'd Scout's anger might assuage He to his hovel, therefore, bent his way.
"Twere present death to meet his too just rage. Arriv'd- to bed he trudg’d without a light,
ONE QUESTION BY ASKING Not dreaming matters there were aught but right, His coat, his waistcoat, and his breeches too
A celebrated professor thinking to perplex an unWith little care upon the bed he threw,
fortunate pupil, one day put him the following quesAnd stepping in, with sort of shivering moan,
tion : “ Pray, sir, can you tell me how long a man He starts his rib, poor soul, not quite alone. “ Bless me," exclaim'd the wanton, “ is it you ?
may live without brains ?" To which the pupil, lookCome just in time to save your faithful Sue :
ing up in the face of the interrogator, promptly but Quickly some brandy prithee do procure,
unexpectedly replied, “ How old may you be yourself, Dly pain's too great for mortal to endure."
professor ?" In haste his scatter'd garments are replac'd,
ECONOMY IN BUSINESS.
Messrs. Bowden and Masters, two English riders, And Charley to the gin shop may be trac'd. The brandy he receives, dubs up a shilling
meeting one night in their travels, the conversatios
over the bottle turned on the extensive business carried For he to serve his rib was always willing. “: This piece I cannot change,” his hostess cried.
on by their respective houses. Bowden, zealous to "Not change it,” the astonished scout replied;
prove the superiority of his own, enumerated many " I but a shilling on the counter threw,
extraordinary instances, and finally wound up kis
climax with saying, " that the business of his house And ask no change for that and brandy too.".
was so extensive that in their correspondence esig it " A sovereign, Charles, or my poor eyes deceive me, You from your breeches pocket drew, and gave me.'
cost them 1501. yearly in the article of ink," Scout starts with wonder, first the fact denies
Masters replied, "Why, Bowden, do you advance Then smiles, and to his fob conveys the prize.
that as a proof of your superiority to our house !"
" I do." Now posts, as he suppos'd, a second bob,
Poo, poo, man!" said Masters, " why, we save Which he extracted from the selfsame fob. “ Another sovereign!" Ma'am with haste exclaims,
that sum yearly in our house in that very article, by And Charley star'd as tho' bereft of brains.
omitting only the dots to the i's and the Strokes to be
t's. Recover'd, he surveys with anxious care,
SHAVING A CONSCIENCE.
Judge Jefferies taking a dislike to an evidence obo
had a long beard, told him," that if his conscience The pockets too with care he fumbles o’er. And of these pretty pictures found a score;
was as large as his beard, he had a swinging once “ Zounds!" he exclaim'd,
To which the witness replied : “My lord, it ve “ 'tis strange to me, That I, who oniy once a week a sovereigo sec,
measure consciences by beards, you bare acte at all. Should all at once become possessed
THREE BLESSINGS Or max. (And be, besides, so finely dress’d)
Pirolo, the French historian, used to say, ** Van Of all this money, which my fob contains, possesses but three things, his soul, his body, and his Why, Madam, 'tis enough to rack one's brains," I wealth. These are exposed coolioually to three crt;