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An, English sailor in Dublin crossing the Coal Quay half tipsy, with a gallon measure of foaming porter to regale his shipmates on board, passed through a crowd of coal heavers, not much more sober than himself, and in the pride of his heart addressed them with “Hang your whiskey, you Irish lubbers, here's a gallon of good English beer, it is meat, drink and clothes,” slapping the vessel with his hand. One of the fellows, affronted at this challenge, instantly knocked him down into a large slough of water, adding, “You had meat, drink, and clothes before, and there's washing and lodging for you into the bargain, ou thief.” The fellow was proceeding to follow up is triumph by kicking the fallen Briton, when another of the gang interfered with “Blur and ounds, Lary, though you did give him washing and lodging, sure he doesn't want mangling into the bargain.”
An Hibernian adventurer one day stepped into a coffee-house in the Strand, seated himself in a box, called for a bill of fare, and ordered a sole and a wild fowl for his dinner, with as much sang froid as if his pockets were crammed with Bank notes. When dinner was served, he call for a pint of Madeira, which, with a couple of tarts, he demolished with toler. able facility; . when the cloth was removed, he ordered some filberts and a bottle of port, which, having also despatched, he desired the waiter to charge his bill at the bar. The waiter told his master, who was a very good-natured Welchman, and who truck with the oddity of this order from a perfect stranger, came to remonstrate with the gentleman, and asked him how be could think of ordering such * dunner, without having money to pay for it. “Odds
blood, my good friend,” answered the Hibernian, “isn't it all the same thing, whether I pay you, now or another time. Sure won't I be a customer of the house. I only changed my breeches this morning, and forgot my purse, and you would’nt have a gentleman balk his appetite and go without his dinner because he happened to have no cash about him.”— “Why, Sir,"answered the host, “I should nevergrudge a gentleman his dinner, look you, if he had no money; but I think in such a case, something less expensive than sole, roast fowl, and raspberry tart, might answer your purpose; and I can't think that a pint of Madeira, a bottle of port, and filberts were quite indispensable.” “Poh poh "replied the other, “d—n it, I heard you were a generous fellow, and sure you woud'nt have a gentleman finish his dinner in a shabby way without a glass of wine and a little fruit.” Tii F. R A PID Fort TUNE. Says Dick to Hal, “Your thrifty sire, in trade For your dear sake a rapid fortune made ; You drank, wench'd, gambled, mortgag’d house and land, And from the turf to jail drove four in hand.” “Have done,” cries Hal, “nor with your gammon stun me, My fortune was so rapid, it outrun me.” a - THE IR1sh MAN's BLANKET. An Irishman who was sent on board of ship, and who believed in ghosts, inquired of his messmates if the ship was haunted. “As full of ghosts as a churchyard,” replied they ; “they are ten thousand strong every night.” This so terrified Pat, that whenever he turned into his hammock, he pulled bis blanket over his head and face, so that from his knees downwards he was naked and cold. “That there purser is a terrible rogue,” said he, “he serves out blankets that don't fit a man; they are too long at top, and too short at bottom, for they cover my head and ears, and my feet are always perished with cold. I have cut several slices off the top, and sewed on the bottom
and the devil a bit longer it is.”
z The DYING ratii era.
A dying father had two sons;
A 1 RIFLING D.Irre RENCE.
A very old lady of quality having intrigued with a gentleman of family, who was not so rich in wealth as in title, she bequeathed to him the bulk of her estates at her death; her niece, who was the next heir, coulmenced an action for the recovery of the fortune, which was given against her. On quitting the court she addressed the fortunate possessor of the estate, saying, “Well, sir, it must be confessed, you got the estate very cheaply.” “Madam,” replied the gentleman, “you know the price at which I had it, and you may if you please make a purchase of it upon the same terms.” “With all my heart, sir,” answered the lady briskly, “if you will give the sign manual.”
T A week's Journal of A wiltshire curate.
e Monday—Received ten pounds from my rector, Dr. Snarl, being one half year's salary—obliged to wait a long time before my admittance to the doctor; and even when admitted, was never once asked to sit down or refresh myself, though I had walked eleven miles. Item, the doctor hinted he could have the curacy filled for fifteen pounds a year. Tuesday—Paid nine pounds to seven different peoi. but could not buy the second-hand pair of black recches offered me as a great bargain by Cabbage, the tailor; my wife wanting a petticoat above all things, and neither Betsy nor Polly having a shoe to o to church. Wednesday—My wife bought a petticoat for herself, and shoes for her two daughters; but unluckily, in coming home, dropped half a guinea through a hole (which she had never before perceived) in her pocket, and reduced all our cash in the world to halfa-crown. Item, chid my poor woman for being afflicted at the misfortune, and tenderly advised her to icly upon the gooduess of God. 'hursday—Received a note from the ale-house at the top of the hill, informing me that a gentleman begged to speak to me on pressing business; went, and found it was an unfortunate member of a strolling company of players, who was pledged for sevenpence halfpenny, in a struggle what to do. The baker, though we had paid him but on Tuesday, quarrelled with us, to avoid giving any credit in future; and George Greasy, the butcher, sent us word that he heard it whispered, that the rector intended to take a curate who would do the parish duty at an inferior Pire; and therefore, though he would to anything to serve me, advised me to deal with Pe*r Paunch, at the up,'er end of the town. Mortifying reflections these But in my opinion a want of humanity is a *āut of justice. i. the stranger's reckoning out of the shifting in my pocket, and gave him the remain* of the money to prosecute his journey. Friday—A very scanty dinner, and pretended *ressure to be ill, that, by avoiding to eat, I might ave something like enough for my poor wise and
children. I told my wife what I had done with the shilling; the excellent creature, instead of blaming me for the action, blessed the goodness of my heart, and burst into tears. Mem. Never to contradict her as long as I live; for the mind that can argue like hers, though it may deviate from the more rigid sentiments of prudence, is even amiable for its indiscretion; and in every lapse from the severity of economy, performs an act of virtue superior to the value of a kingdom.
Saturday—Wrote a sermon, which on
Sunday — I preached at four different parishchurches and came home excessively wearied, and excessively hungry; no more than two-pence halfpenny in the house. But see the goodness of God The strolling player, whom I had relieved, was a man of fortune, who accidentally heard that I was as hu. mane as I was indigent, and from a generous eccentricity of temper, wanted to do me an essential piece of service : I had not been an hour at home, when he came in, and declaring himself my friend, put a fifty pound note into my hand, and the next day presented me with a living of three hundred pounds a year.
Episcopal, BA frc A.I.N.S.
FRANKLIN's way to wealth, or poon Rich ARD's Maxi Ms. courtTEous READER,
I stopped my horse lately, where a great number of people were collected at an auction of merchants' goods. The hour of the sale not being come, they were conversing on the badness of the times; and one of the company called to a plain, clean old man, with white locks—“Pray, father Abraham, what think you of the times * Will not these heavy taxes quite ruin the country How shall we be ever able to pay them What would you advise us to " Father Abraham stood up, and replied—“If you would have my advice, I will give it you in short ; for, A word to the wise is enough, as poor Richard says." They joined in desiring him to speak his mind, and gathered round him, while he proceeded as follows.
“Friends,” says he, “the taxes are indeed very heavy ; and if those laid on by the government were the only ones we had to pay, we might more easily discharge them. But we have many others, and much more grievous to some of us. We are taxed twice as much by our idleness, three times as much by our pride, and four times as much by our folly; and from these taxes the commissioners cannot ease or deliver us by allowing an abatement. However, let us hearken to good advice, and something may be done for us; God helps them that help themselves, as poor Richard says.
“It would be thought a hard government that should tax its people one-tenth part of their time, to be employed in its service : but idleness taxes many of us much more ; sloth, by bringing on diseases, absolutely shortens life. Sloth, like rust, consumes faster than labour wears, while the used key is always bright, as poor Richard says. But dost thou love life, then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of, as poor, Richard says. How much more than is necessary do we spend in sleep ! forgetting, That the sleeping fox catches no poultry, and that there will be sleeping enough in the grave, as poor Richard says. If time be of all things the most precious, wasting time must be, as Poor Richard
says, the greatest prodigality; since, as he elsewhere tells us, Lost time is never sound again ; and what we call time enough always proves little enough; ki us then up and be doing, and doing to the purpose; so by diligence we shall do more with less perplexity. Sloth makes all things difficult, but industry all easy; and, He that riseth late, must trot all day, and shall scarcely overtake his business at night; while lan. ness travels so slowly, that poverty soon overtakes him. Drive thy business, let not that drive thee; and Early to bed, and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise, as poor Richard says. “So what signifies wishing and hoping for better times? We may make these times better if we bestir ourselves. Industry need not wish ; and he that lives upon hope will die fasting. There are no guns without pains; then help, hands, for I have no lands; or, if I have, they are smartly taxed. He that hath a trade, hath an estate ; and he that hath a calling, hath an office of profit and honour, is poor Richard says; but then the trade must be worked at, and the calling well followed, or neither the estate nor the office will enable us to pay our taxes. If we are industrious we shall never starve, for, At the working man's house hunger looks in, but dares not enter. Nor will the bailiff or the constable enter, for industry pays debts, while despair increaseth them. What though you have found no treasure, nor has any rich relation left you a legacy, diligence is the mother of good luck. and God gives all things to industry. Then plow deep, while sluggards sleep; and you shall have ros to sell and to keep. Work while it is called to-air. for you know not how much you may be hindard to-morrow. Que to-day is worth two to-morrows is poor Richard says ; and, farther, Never leave that tiil to-morrow which you can do to day. If you wroa servant, would you not be ashamed that a food master should catch you idle? Are you ther veer own master, be ashamed to catch yourself idle. **a there is so much to be done for yourself, your family, your country, and your king. Handle your * without mittens; remember that The cat in guve ratches no mice, as poor Richard says. It is truc, there is much to be done, and perhaps you are weakhanded ; but stick to it steadily, and you will see great effects; for Constant dropping wears away stones; and by diligence and patience the mouse eat in two the cable; and Little strokes fell great oaks. “Methinks I hear'some of you say, “Must a man afford himself no leisure?' I will tell thee, my friend, what poor Richard says: Employ thy time well, if thou meanest to gain leisure; and since thou art not sure of a minute, throw not away an hour. Leisure is time sor doing something useful; this leisure the diligent man will obtain, but the lazy man never; sor, A life of leisure and a life of laziness are two things. Many, without labour, would live by their wits only, but they break for want of stock; whereas industry gives comfort, plenty, and respect. Fly pleasures, ...' they will follow you. The diligent spinner has a large shift ; and now I have a sheep and a cow, every body bids me a good-morrow. “But with our industry we must likewise be steady, settled, and careful, and oversee our own affairs with our own eyes, and not trust too much to others; for as poor Richard says— I never saw an oft-removed tree, Nor yet an oft-removed family, That throve so well as those that settled be. “And again, Three removes are as bad as a fire; and again, Keep thy shop, and thy shop will keep thre; and, again, If you would have your business done, go, if not, send. And again, He that by the plough would thrive, Himself must either hold or drive. “And again, The eye of a master will do more work than both hi hands; and, again, Want of care does us more damage than want of knowledge; and, again, Not to oversee workmen, is to leave them your Poe open. Trusting too much to others' care is the ruin of many: for, in the affairs of this world, men are saved, not by faith, but by the want of it; but a ran's own care is profitable; for, If you would have a faithful servant. and one that you like, serve your*lt. A little neglect may lo great mischief; for " . T
want of a nail the shoe was lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost; and for want of a horse the rider was lost, being overtaken and slain by the enemy: all for want of a little care about a horse-shoe nail. “So much for industry, my friends, and attention to one's own business; but to these we must add frugality, if we would make our industry more certainly successful. A man may, if he knows not how to save as he gets, keep his nose all his life at the grindstone, and die not worth a groat at last. A fat kitchen makes a lean will ; and— Many estates are spent in the getting, Since women for tea forsook spinning and knitting, And men for punch forsook hewing and splitting. If you would be wealthy, think of saving as well as of getting. The Indies have not made Spain rich, because her outgoes are greater than her incomes. “Away, then, with your expensive follies, and you will not then have so much cause to complain of hard times, heavy taxes, and chargeable families; for— Women and wine, game and deceit, Make the wealth small, and the want great.
And, sarther, What maintains one vice, would bring
up two children. You may think, perhaps, that a little tea or a little punch now and then, dict a little more costly, clothes a little finer, and a little entertainment now and then, can be no great matter; but remember, Many a little makes a mickle. Beware of little expenses; A small leak will sink a great ship, as r Richard says; and, again, Who dainties love shall beggars prove ; and moreover, Fools make feasts, and wise men eat them. “Here you are all got together to this sale of finerics and knick-knacks. You call them goods; but, if you do not take care, they will prove evils to some of }. You expect they will be sold cheap ; and perlaps they may, for less than they cost; but if you have no occasion for them, they must be dear to you. Remember what poor Richard says: Buy what thou hast no need of, and ere long thou shalt sell thy necessaries. And again, At a great pennyworth pause a while. He means, that perhaps the cheapness is apparent only, and not real; or the bargain, by straitening thee in thy business, may do thee more