But, let them call thee what they will, And when my race is over, Let shamrocks crown my bed of sleep, SHUTER THE COMEDIAN. This performer was once engaged for a few nights in a principal city in the north of England. It happened that the stage that he went down in (and in which there was only an old gentleman and himself) was stopped on the road by a single highwayman. The old gentleman, in order to save his own money, pretended to be asleep; but Shuter resolved to be even with him. Accordingly, when the highwayman presented his pistol, and commanded Shuter to deliver his money instantly, or he was a dead man-"Money!" returned he, with an idiotic shrug, and a countenance inexpressibly vacant-" Oh! Lud, Sir, they never trust me with any; for nuncle here always pays for me, turnpikes and all, your honour!" Upon which the highwayman gave him a few curses for his stupidity, complimented the old gentleman with a smart slap on the face to awaken him, and robbed him of every shilling he had in his pocket; while Shuter, who did not lose a single farthing, pursued his journey with great satisfaction and merriment, laughing heartily at his fellow-traveller CLERICAL CURIOSITY. A minister catechising his parishioners, among the rest called upon a woman of more confidence than judgment, and asked her who died for her. Pray, Sir." said she, "let me alone with your taunts!" He told her that this was no matter of taunting; and asked her the same question again. "Sir," replied she, "I have been an honest housekeeper these twenty years, methinks it does not become a man of your coat to mock me at this rate."-" What do'st Dean, woman !'' replies the parson; "I do not mock you: I ask you who died for you?" Then," cried ," if you will have the truth, in plain English, I was once so handsome, that as many would have died for me as for any of your daughters, depend upon it." QUIN'S SOLILOQUY ON SELING THE EMBALMED BODY OF DUKE HUMPHREY: A plague on Egypt's arts, I say, Which I can never taste! Let me embalm this flesh of mine, With turtle fat and Bourdeaux wine, And spoil the Egyptian trade. Than Gloster's duke more happy I, Embalm'd alive old Quin shall die, A mummy ready made. A SAVING CLAUSE. It was customary with Marshal Bassompierre, when any of his soldiers were brought before him for heinous offences, to say to them "By God, brother, you or I will certainly be hanged!" which was a sufficient denunciation of their fate. A spy being discovered in his camp, was addressed in this language; and next day, as the provost was carrying the wretch to the gallows, he pressed earnestly to speak with the Marshal, alleging that he had somewhat of importance to communicate. The Marchal, being made acquainted with this request, exclaimed, "It is the way of all these rascals; when ordered for execution, they pretend some frivolous story, merely to reprieve themselves for a few moments: however, bring the dog hither." Being introduced, the Marshal asked him what he had to say? "Why, my lord," said the culprit, "when first I had the honour of your conversation, you was obliging enough to say, that either you or I should be hanged: now I am come to know, whether it is your pleasure to be so; because if you won't, I must, that's all." The Marshal was so pleased with the fellow's humour, that he ordered him to be released. FOUR EVILS. An old French gentleman once complained that he had been cheated by a monk, when one of that order, being present, said to him-"I am surprised, Sir, that a person of your years and discretion should not yet know a monk! It is, however, never too late to learn; and, for the future, let me advise you to beware of four things of a woman before, of a mule behind, of a cart sideways, and of a monk every way." : SPECIMEN OF BEAU NASH'S MANNER OF TELLING A STORY. came. "Well, good woman," says I," since you will not light me a fire, I will light one for myself .* and in a moment the straw was all in a blaze. This quickly unkennelled the old fox: there he stood in an old rusty night-gown, blessing himself, and looking like-a-hem—egad ! THE BLUE-BOTTLE FLY. Here I stand, gentlemen, who could once leap forty-two feet upon level ground, at three standingjumps, backward or forward: one, two, three-dart like an arrow out of a bow-but I am old now. I remember I once leaped for three hundred guineas with Count Klopstock, the great leaper, leapingI will tell you something to that purpose-that, I heard of him. First he began with the runningmaster to the Prince of Passau: you must all have fancy, will make you laugh. A covetous old parson, jump; and a most damnable bounce it was, that is as rich as the devil, scraped a fresh acquaintance certain. Every body concluded that he had the with me several years ago at Bath. I knew him match hollow; when, only taking off my hat, stripwhen he and I were students at Oxford, where we ping off neither coat, shoes, nor stockings-mind me both studied damnation hard; but that is neither fetched a run, and went beyond him one foot, here nor there. Well, very well. I entertained him three inches, and three quarters, measured, upon my at my house in John's Court-no, my house in John's soul! by captain Pately's own standard! Court was not built then-but I entertained him with all that the city could afford; the rooms, the music, and every thing in the world. Upon his leaving Bath, he pressed me very hard to return the visit ; and desired me to let him have the pleasure of seeing me at his house in Devonshire. About six months after, I happened to be in that neighbourhood; and was resolved to see my old friend, from whom I ex-They were also, good people, much given to kings, pected a very warm reception. Well, I knocked at his door when an old queer creature of a maid came to the door, and denied him. I suspected, however, that he was at home; and, going into the parlour, what should I see but the parson's legs up the chimney; where he had thrust himself to avoid entertaining me. This was very well. 'My dear," says I to the maid, "it is very cold, extremely cold indeed; and I am afraid I have got a touch of my ague: light me the fire, if you please." "La, Sir!" says the maid, who was a modest creature, to be sure, the chimney smokes monstrously; you would not bear the room for three minutes together." By the greatest good-luck there was a bundle of straw on the hearth; and I called for a candle, The candle 44 The wise men of Egypt were secret as dummies; In so many wrappers, 'twas out of one's reach. Fond of monarchs and crocodiles, monkeys and Bats, hierophants, blue-bottle flies, and such things, To have a short peep at their mystical farces. vine ; While a large handsome bullock, led there in a halter, Before it lay stabb'd at the foot of the shrine, Surpris'd at such doings, he whisper'd his teacher If 'tisn't impertinent, may I ask, why Should a bullock, that useful and powerful creature, Be offer'd thus up to a blue-bottle fly." "No wonder," said t'other, "you stare at the sight, But we as a symbol of monarchy view it; That fly on the shrine is legitimate right, And that bullock, the people, is sacrificed to it." MOORE. ENGLISH FARMER AND A HOP-PLANTER. In the harvest season, when all the animal creation appears cheerfully industrious, if we congratulate the farmer on the noble prospect of his well-covered acres, be will shake his head; and, between a sigh and a grunt, he will answer you with-" Ah, but the straw is short!" If the straw is long, then he will tell you there is no substance in the grain. If there is but an indifferent crop, he laments that it will not pay the expense of housing and thrashing. If a plentiful crop, then he grumbles, corn will be so cheap, it will not be worth carrying to market. The hop planter rises, lifts up the sash, and looks over the horizon; if the morning happens to be cloudy, he pulls down the window with an oath, saying "It will rain to-day, and all the blossoms will be washed off!" If there should be a pleasant air abroad, then the poles will be all blown down. If the sun shines,-"O Lord! the plants will be burned up." If it is a close, dry day, without much sun-shine, or wind, then he wishes for rain to destroy the vermin, or else they will eat all the buds up. EPITAPH ON A LANDLADY. Assigned by Providence to rule a tap, A BORROWED COUNTENANCE. An officer of a disbanded regiment applying to the paymaster of the forces for his arrears, told him that he was in extreme want, and on the point of dying with hunger. The treasurer, seeing him of a jovial and ruddy aspect, told him that his countenance belied his complaint. "Good, my lord," replied the officer, "for Heaven's sake, do not mistake: the visage you see, is not mine, but my landlady's; for she has fed me on credit for above twelvemonths." But for want of taste, voices, and ears. Still between ev'ry toast, with his gills mighty red, Mister President thus, with great eloquence, said; (Spoken.) "Gentlemen of the Nightingale-club, you all know the rule: every gentleman must sing a song, or drink a glass of salt and water. Mr. Snuffle, I call upon you."-" I have got a cold in my head, but I'll try: let me blow my nose first. Blow high, blow low, &c." Bravo, bravo, very well sung; Bravo, bravo, &c. "Pull away, An officer having gained a large sum of money at Mr. Drybones sang next, who was turn'd of three- play, was requested the ensuing morning to accom score, And melodiously warbled away, "She's sweet fifteen, I'm one year more, And yet we are too young they say, But we know better, sure, than they.' Then a little Jew grocer, who wore a bob-wig, Struck up "Billy Pringle had von lectel pig; Not very leetel nor yet very big; But ven alive him live in clover; But now him dead, and dat's all over." " (Spoken.) Come," said the president, "whose turn is it to give us a sentiment ?-Mr. Mangle, the surgeon." "Sir, I'll give you, Success to the men who bleed for their country." ."--" And now, Mr. Dismal, we'll thank you for your song." ." "Sir, I'll give you something sprightly. (In a crying tone of voice.) "Merry are the bells, and merry do they ring. Merry is myself, and merry can I sing." Bravo, bravo, &c. pany a friend, as second, to the field. "You should have come yesterday," said the officer, "to make the request, for I then had time, but that is not the case to-day, my purse being full; but, if you must have a second, I advise you to seek the gentleman who lost what I have won; he is now not worth a sixpence, and will therefore fight like the devil himself." When it was the fashion to drink ale at Oxford, a Barrymore happening to come late to the theatre, humorous fellow established an alehouse near the and having to dress for his part, was driven to the pound, and wrote over his door, "Ale sold by the last moment, when, to heighten his perplexity, the pound." As his ale was as good as his jokes, the key of his drawer was missing. "D-n it," said he, Oxonians resorted to his house in great numbers, and " must have swallowed it." "Never mind," says sometimes staid there beyond the college hours. This Jack Bannister, coolly, "if you have, it will serve to was made a matter of complaint to the vice-chancel- open your chest." lor, who was desired to take away his licence, by one ADAM'S SLEEP. of the proctors of the university. Boniface was sum-He laid him down and slept—and from his side A woman in her magic beauty rose, BAD AND WORSE. moned to attend, and when he came into the vicechancellor's presence, he began spitting about the room; this the chancellor observed, and asked what he meant by it? "Please your worship," said he, "I came here on purpose to clear myself." The vicechancellor, imagined that he actually weighed his Two comedians having a wager about which of ale, and sold it in that manner; he therefore said to them sung the best, they agreed to refer it to a friend. him, "They tell me you sell your ale by the pound; A day was accordingly agreed on, and both the paris that true?" "No, an't please your worship," re- ties executed to the best of their abilities before him. plied the wit. "How do you then?" said the chan-As soon as they had finished, the arbitrator proceedcellor. Very well, I thank you, Sir," replied the ed to give judgment in the following manner :—“As wit, "how do you do?" The chancellor laughed and for you, Sir, (addressing himself to the first) you are said, "Get away for a rascal, I will say no more to the worst singer I ever heard in my life."—"Ah," you." The fellow departed, and crossing the qua- said the other, exultingly, "I knew I should win drangle, met the proctor who laid the information; my wager." "Stop, Sir," said the arbitrator, “I "Sir," said he, the vice-chancellor wants to speak have a word to say to you before you go, which is with you," and returned with him. Here, sir," this, that as for you, you cannot sing at all." said he, "here he is." "6 Who?" said the chancellor. A BISHOP'S BLESSING. Why, Sir," said he, "you sent me for a rascal, and I have brought you the greatest that I know of." 44 RARE VIRTUES. In praise of honesty and truth, 'Tis well-for both are fled from earth, De mortuis nisi bonum nil. COMPANIONSHIP. With cover'd head, a country boor IRISH MEASUREMENT. Not I A gentleman in Ireland having built a large house A bon-vivant one night told a friend that he intend-was at a loss what to do with the rubbish. His stewed to leave twenty pounds to be spent at his funeral; which induced the other to ask him, if the money was to be spent going or returning? "Going, to be sure," replied he, "for when you return I shan't be with you." ard advised him to have a pit dug large enough to contain it. "And what," said the gentleman, “shall I do with the earth which is dug out of the pit?" To which the steward replied, " have the pit made large enough to hold all.' |