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OQUY ON SELING THE EMBALMED BODY
OF DUKB HUMPHREY :
SUUTER TIIE COMEDIAN.
A SAVING CLAUSE.
But, let them call thee what they will, was once so handsome, that as many would have
And when my race is over,
A plague on Egypt's arts, I say,
Rich wine and spices waste;
Like sturgeon, or like brawn shall I,
Bound in a precious pickle lie. pened that the stage that he went down in (and in
Which I can never taste! which there was only an old gentleman and himself) was stopped on the road by a single highwayman.
Let me embalm this flesh of mine, The old gentleman, in order to save his own money,
With turile fat and Bourdeaux wine, pretended to be asleep; but Shuter resolved to be And spoil the Egyptian trade. even with him. Accordingly, when the highwayman
Than Gloster's duke more happy I, presented his pistol, and commanded Shuter to deliver
Embalm'd alive old Quin shall die, his money instantly, or he was a dead man—"Mo A mummy ready made. ney!" returned he, with an idiotic shrug, and a countenance inexpressibly vacant"Oh! Lud, Sir, they never trust me with any; for nuncle here always It was customary with Marshal Bassompierre, pays for me, turnpikes and all, your honour !" Upon where any of his soldiers were brought before him for which the highwayman gave him a few curses for heinous offences, to say to them “ By God, brother, his stupidity, complimented the old gentleman with a you or I will certainly be hanged!" which was a sufsmart slap on the face to awaken him, and robbed ficient denunciation of their fate. A spy being dishim of every shilling he had in his pocket; while covered in his camp, was addressed in this language; Shuter, who did not lose a single farthing, pursued and next day, as the propost was carrying the wretch bis journey with great satisfaction and merriment, to the gallows, he pressed earnestly to speak with the lauzling hieartily at his fellow-traveller
Marshal, alleging that he had somewhat of import
ance to communicate. The Marshal, being made CLERICAL CURIOSITY.
acquainted with this request, exclaimed, “ It is the A minister catechising his parishioners, among the way of all these rascals ; when ordered for execution, test called upon a woman of more confidence than they pretend some frivolous story, merely to reprieve judyment, and asked her who died for her. “ Pray, themselves for a few moments: however, bring the Sur," said she, “ let me alone with your taunts !” dog hither.” Being introduced, the Marshal acked He iold her that this was no matter of taunting ; him what he had to say ? “Why, my lord,” said the and asked her the same question again. “Sir," re- culprit, “when first I had the honour of your conpried she, “ I have been an honest housekeeper these versation, you was obliging enough to say, that either Iwenty years, methinks it does not become a man of you or I should be hanged: now I am come to know, Four coat 10 mock me at this rate.”—“ What do'st whether it is your pleasure to be so ; because if you Dein, woman !" replies the parson ;“ I do not mock won't, I must, that's all.” The Marshal was so ou: 1 ask you who died for you ?" Then,” cried pleased with the fellow's humour, that he ordered scit, " if you will bave the truth, in plain English, I him to be released.
came. “Well, good woman,' says I, "since you An old French gentleman once complained that he will not light me a fire, I will light one for myself. had been cheated by a monk, when one of that order, and in a moment the straw was all in a blaze. This being present, said to him—"I am surprised, Sir, quickly unkennelled the old fox : there he stood in that a person of your years and discretion should not an old rusty pight-gown, blessing himself, and lookyet know a monk! It is, however, never too late to ing like-a-hem-egad ! learn ; and, for the future, let me advise you to be Here I stand, gentlemen, who could once leap ware of four things : of a woman before, of a mule forty-two feet upon level ground, at three standing. behind, of a cart sideways, and of a monk every jumps, backward or forward : one, two, three-dart way.”
like an arrow out of a bow-but I am old now. I
remember I once leaped for three hundred guineas SPECIMEN OF BEAU NASH'S MANNER OF TELLING A
with Count Klopstock, the great leaper, leaping
master to the Prince of Passau : you must all bave I will tell you something to that purpose-that, I heard of him. First he began with the running. fancy, will make you laugh. A covetous old parson, jump; and a most damnable bounce it was, that is as rich as the devil, scraped a fresh acquaintance certain. Every body concluded that he had the with me several years ago at Bath. I knew him match hollow, when, only taking off my hat, strip when he and I were students at Oxford, where we ping off neither coat, shoes, nor stockings—mind me both studied damnation hard; but that is neither I fetched a run, and went beyond him one fori, here nor there. Well, very well. I entertained him three inches, and three quarters, measured, upon my at my house in John's Court- no, my house in John's soul! by captain Pately's own standard ! Court was not built then-but I entertained him with all that the city could afford ; the rooms, the music,
THE BLUE-BOTTLE FLY. and every thing in the world. Upon his leaving The wise men of Egypt were secret as dummies ; Bath, he pressed me very hard to return the visit ; And even when they condescended to teach, and desired me to let him have the pleasure of see- They pack'd up their meaning, as they did their ing me at his house in Devonshire. About six months
mummies, alter, I happened to be in that neighbourhood ; and was resolved to see my old friend, from whom I ex. They were also, good people, much given to kings,
In so many wrappers, 'twas out of one's reach. pected a very warm reception. Well, I knocked at his door : when an old queer creature of a maid
Fond of monarchs and crocodiles, monkeys and came to the door, and denied him. I suspected, Bats, hierophants, blue-bottle flies, and sueb ihings,
mystery, however, that he was at home; and, going into the parlour, what should I see but the parson's legs up
As will partly appear in this very short history. the chimney; where he bad thrust himself to avoid A Scythian philosopher, (nephew they say. entertaining me. This was very well.“ My dear,"
To that other great traveller, young Apachanis, 1 says I to the maid, “it is very cold, extremely cold Stept into a temple at Memphis one day indeed ; and I am afraid I have got a touch of my
To have a short peep at their mystical farces. ague : light me the fire, if you please.” “ La, Sir!" He saw a brisk blue-bottle fly on an altar, says the maid, who was a modest creature, to be sure, Made much of, and worship'd, as something to
the chimney smokes monstrously; you would not bear the room for three minutes together." By the while a large handsome bullock, led there in greatest good-luck there was a bundle of straw on halter, the hearth ; and I called for a candle. The candle Before it lay stabb'd at the foot of the shrine.
A BORROWED COUNTENANCE.
Surpris'd at such doings, he whisper'd his teacher • If 'tisn't impertinent, may I ask, why
An officer of a disbanded regiment applying to the Should a bullock, that useful and powerful creature, paymaster of the forces for his arrears, told him that Be offer'd thus up to a blue-bottle fly.”
he was in extreme want, and on the point of dying “ No wonder,” said t'other, “ you stare at the sight, with hunger. The treasurer, seeing him of a jovial
But we as a symbol of monarchy view it; and ruddy aspect, told him that his countenance belied That Hy on the shrine is legitimate right,
his complaint. "Good, my lord,” replied the officer, And that bullock, the people, is sacrificed to it.” " for Heaven's sake, do not mistake : the visage you
Moorz. see, is not mine, but my landlady's; for she has fed
me on credit for above iwelvemonths." BXGLISH FARMER AND A HOP-PLANTER. In the harvest season, when all the animal creation appears cheerfully industrious, if we congratulate A bookseller of Edinburgh had the exclusive right the iarmer on the noble prospect of his well-covered of printing bibles, and amassed a large fortune ; bis acres, be will shake his head ; and, between a sigh son, who was remarkably stupid, came very finely and a grunt, he will answer you with—" Ah, but the dressed into a ball room, upon which occasion the straw is short !" If the straw is long, then he will following epigram was written : tell you there is no substance in the grain. If there The bible comes, in whose behalf is bat an indifferent crop, he laments that it will not I'd speak, were rhyme unfetter'd;
He's double gilt, and bound in calf, pay the expense of housing and thrashing. If a plentiful crop, then he grumbles, corn will be so But then he's quite unletter'd. cheap, will not be worth carrying to market. The hop-planter rises, lifts up the sash, and
An uncle left in his will, eleven silver spoons to looks over the horizon ; if the morning happens to be
his nephew, adding, “ if I have not left him the cloudy, he pulls down the window with an oath, Jozen," he knows the reason.” The fact was the saying-“ It will rain to-day, and all the blossoms nephew had some time before stolen it from his rewill be washed off!" If there should be a pleasant lative. air abroad, then the poles will be all blown down.
THE NIGHTINGALE-CLUB If the sun shines," O Lord! the plants will be burned up." if it is a close, dry day, without much The Nightingale-club in a village was held, sun-shine, or wind, then he wishes for rain to destroy where the singers, no doubt, would have greatly ex
At the sign of the Cabbage and Shears ; the vermin, or else they will eat all the buds up.
But for want of taste, voices, and ears.
-" I have got a cold in my head,
A GENTLE HINT.
EPITAPIT ON A LANDLADY.
“ Pull away,
GAMING AND FIGHTING.
Thus the Nightingale-club gaily kept up their (Spoken.) Mr. Doublelungs, the butcher, was call. clamour,
ed upon next.
“ And now, Mr. Doublelungs, we'll And were nightıy knock'd down by the president's thank you for a song." "Sir, I'll sing with all my hammer,
heart, liver, and lights. I'll sing you the Echo-song When Snuffle haa finish'd, a man of excise,
out of Comus, with my own accompaniments; and Whose squint was prodigiously fine,
when a man echoes himself, he's sure to do it in the Sang “ Drink tr. me only with thine eyes,
right key. And I will pledge with mine."
(In a shrill and deep-toned roice alternately, After which Mr. Tugg, who draws teeth for all parties,
“ Sweet Echo," &c. Roar'd a sea-song, whose burthen was
Bravo, bravo, &c. my hearties." Bravo, bravo, &c.
An officer having gained a large sum of money at Mr. Drybones sang next, who was turn'd of three- play, was requested the ensuing morniog to accom. score,
pany a friend, as second, to the field. " You should And melodiously warbled away,
have come yesterday,” said the officer, “ to make " She's sweet fifteen, I'm one year more,
the request, for I then had time, but that is not the And yet we are too young they say,
case to-day, my purse being full ; but, if you must But we know better, sure, than they.'
have a second, I advise you to seek tbe gentleman Then a little Jew grocer, who wore a bob-wig,
who lost what I have won ; be is now not worth a Struck up “ Billy Pringle had von leetel pig ; sixpence, and will therefore fight like the devil Not very leetel nor yet very big ;
himself." But ven alive him live in clover;
DOUBLE PENITENCE. But now him dead, and dat's all over.”
A lady being at coafession, informed the priest. (Spoken.) “ Come," said the president, " whose that she had very early in life bad an illicit amour, cod turn is it to give us a sentiment ?--Mr. Mangle, the that a cluild was the fruit of the sin. “You must repat surgeon.” “Sir, I'll give you, Success to the men who the shameful action," said the confessor. “Vily bleed for their country.”-
.".>“ And now, Mr. Dismal, should I repent ?" resumed the lady, " when Iiri we'll thank you for your song.” “Sir, I'll give you the boy an example of virtue ?" "Well then," cisomething sprightly.
claimed the priest, “ if that be the case, you bui (In a crying tone of voice.)
repent that you have no cause for repentance." “Merry are the bells, and merry do they ring. Merry is myself, and merry can I sing."
A proud, but ignorant peer, observing one day at Bravo, bravo, ac.
a table, that a person, eininent for his knowledge Billy Piper some members call’d Breach of the Peace, and abilities, was intent on choosing the delicacies Because all his notes were so shrill,
before him, said, • What! do philosophers lose Shriek'd out, like the wheel of a cart that wants dainties?" Why not?" replied the scholar. grease,
you think, my lord, that the good things of this murid (in a squeaking tone.)
were made only for blockheads ?" “ Deeper, and deeper still."
TILE DEVI'S HERIOT. Mr. Max, who, all gin, wish'd to coo like a dove, A Sussex attorney dyiug a day or two and Land “Oh! listen, listen to the voice Chief Justice Holt, a wag observed, " Thcre deres
died a lord chief justice, but the devil took an altorney Which calls my Daphne to the grove."
for a heriot."
THE LOST KEY.
BAD AND WORSE.
OXFORD ALL. When it was the fashion to drink ale at Oxford, a Barrymore happening to come late to the theatre, bumorous fellow established an alehouse near the and having to dress for his part, was driven to the pound, and wrote over his door, “ Ale sold by the last moment, when, to heighten his perplexity, the pound.” As his ale was as good as his jokes, the key of his drawer was missing: “D-n it," said he, Oxonians resorted to his bouse in great numbers, and “ I must have swallowed it.'
“ Never mind,” says sometimes staid there beyond the college hours. This Jack Bannister, coolly, " if you have, it will serve to was made a matter of complaint to the vice-chancel- open your chest." lor, who was desired to take away his licence, by one
ADAM'S SLEEP. of the proctors of the university. Boniface was sum- He laid him down and slept--and from his side moned to attend, and when he came into the vice
A woman in her magic beauty rose, chancellor's presence, he began spitting about the Dazzled and charm'd he called that woman“ bride," toum; this the chancellor observed, and asked what
And his first sleep became his last repose. he meant by it? "Please your worship,” said he, "I came here on purpose to clear myself.” The vicechancellor, imagined that he actually weighed his Two comedians having a wager about which of ale, and sold it in that manuer; he therefore said to them sung the best, they agreed to refer it to a friend. him, “ They tell me you sell your ale by the pound; A day was accordingly agreed on, and both the paris that true?" "No, an’e please your worship,” re ties executed to the best of their abilities before him. plied the wit. “How do you then ?" said the chan-As soon as they had finished, the arbitrator proceedcellor. ** Very well, I thank you, Sir," replied the ed to give judgment in the following manner :--"As wit,“ how do you do?" The chancellor laughed and for you, Sir, (addressing himself to ile tirst) you are said, “ Get away for a rascal, I will say no more to the worst singer I ever heard in my life." —Ah,” you.". The fellow departed, and crossing the qua- said the other, exultingly;“I knew I should win drangle, met the proctor who laid the information ; my wager.” “Stop, Sir," said the arbitrator, “ I “Sir," said he, "the vice-chancellor wants to speak have a word to say to you betore you go, which is wib you," and returned with him. “ Here, sir,” this, that as for you, you cannot sing at all." said lie, where he is.” Who?" said the chancellor.
A BISHOP'S BLESSING. ** 11hy, Sir," said he', " you sent me for a rascal, and I base brought you the greatest that I know of." With cover'd head, a country boor
Stood, while the bishop bless'd the poor ;
The mitred prelate lifted high In praise of honesty and truth,
His voice-" Take off your hat"_“Not IMen's busy tongues are never still,
Your blessing's little worth,” he said, 'Tis well-for both are fed from carth,
“ If through the hat 'twont reach the head." De mortuis nisi bonum nil. COMPANIONSHIP.
A gentleman in Ireland having built a larve house A bon-vivant one night told a friend that he intend was at a loss what to do with the rubbish. His stewed to leave twenty pounds to be spent at his funeral; ard advised him to have a pit dug large enough to which induced the other to ask him, if the money contain it. “And what,” said the gentleman, “shall was to be spent going or returning? “Guing, to be I do with the earth which is dug out of the pit?" To kure," replied he, " for when you return I shan't be which the steward replied, “ have the pit made large
enough to hold alli"