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GENErous his GH w AYMAN. Boulter, the famous highwayman, one day met a young woman in great distress, who told him that a creditor had entered a house which she pointed out, and threatened to take her husband to prison for a debt of thirty guineas. Boulter gave her thirty guineas, telling her to go and pay the debt, and set her husband at liberty, and she ran off loading him with thanks. Boulter, in the mean time, waited on the road till he saw the creditor come out; he then attacked him, and took back the thirty guineas, be
sides every thing else he had about him.
t in E J Ew A N to chip Ist IAN. A Jew, about two centuries ago, at Tewkesbury, fell into a filthy hole on Saturday, which, being the sabbath, he would not that day be drawn out for fear of breaking it. The earl of Gloucester hearing this news, forbade him to be taken out the next day, our Sunday; for that neither (he said) should the Christian sabbath be broken by him ; whereupon the poor man lying there till Monday, miserably died. There is a whimsical Leonine epigram, written in the thirteenth century, on this circumstance,
THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.
sow or plant, and no green thing can flourish over their graves. The tribe of Gad put on the crown of thorns, and on every 25th of March their bodies are covered with blood from deep and painful wounds. Those of Asher buffeted Jesus, and their right hand is always nearly a palm shorter than the left. Those of Naphthali jested with Christ about a herd of swine, since when they are all born with tusks, like wild boars. The tribe of Manasseh cried out, “His blood be on us and our children,” and at every new moon they are tormented by bloody sores. The tribe of Simeon nailed our Lord to the cross, and on the 25th of March, four deep and dreadful wounds are inflicted on their hands and feet. Those of Levi spat on the Saviour, and the wind always blows back their saliva in their faces, so that they are habitually covered with filth. The tribe of Issachar scourged Christ, and on the 25th of March blood streams forth from their shoulders. The tribe of Zebulon cast lots for the garments, and on the same day the roof of their mouth is tortured by deep wounds. The tribe of Joseph made the nails for crucifying Jesus, and blunted them to increase his sufferings; and therefore their hands and feet are covered with gashes and blood. Those of Benjamin gave vinegar to Jesus; they all squint and are palsied, and have their mouths filled with little nauseous worms, which, in truth, (adds our author) is the case with all Jewish women after the age of twenty-five, because it was a woman who entreated the tribe of Joseph not to sharpen the nails used for the crucifixion of our Lord.”
coxs fortable LoDo INos.
A gentleman about to take apartments at Clifton Hot Wells, remarked that the stucco was broken upon the staircase. “It is very true,” replied Mrs. p “, but I have had the places in question repaired so often, that I am tired of the trouble, expense, and dirt; the mischief you see is occasioned by conveying coffins up and down stairs ; and this circumstance occurs so often, and the undertaker's men are so careless, that I really thought it labour in vain to have it repaired, when, perhaps, I might have it to do again in a fortnight.”
A sergeant in a regiment of foot, having snapped the blade of his sword asunder, got for the moment a wooden blade, till he could conveniently have the proper one renewed. This coming to the ears of the commanding officer, he ordered the sergeant to bring to the parade, from the black hole, his brother, a private, confined there for drunkenness. The sergeant in due obedience, went with a file of men, and brought his brother forward. The colonel then addressed the private in a severe tone, thus—“You are, sirrah, such a drunken scoundrel, and have so long disgraced the corps, that I am determined you shall at once have your head struck off, and your own brother shall be your executioner; kneel Sir, and you, sergeant, do your duty " The sergeant entreated that there might not be imposed on him an office so shocking to his feelings; but all in vain, the commander was inexorable. The sergeant then fell upon his knees, and exclaimed, “Pray, Heaven, hear my prayers; and, rather than I should be the slaughterer of my brother, may the blade of my sword be turned to wood My prayers are heard,” cried he, drawing his sword, “my prayers are heard:” to the no small entertainment of the commanding officer.
out of spirits. “Is my wife out of spirits?" said John, with a sigh, As her voice of a tempest gave warning: “Quite out, sir, indeed,” said her maid in reply “For she finished the bottle this morning,'
394 To A NOTORIOUS AND CRAFTY LIAR.
Who'er would learn a fact from you
What you deny, perhaps is true;
INFANT Low E.
An old uncle having a very beautiful niece, one day gave her a lecture on the inconstancy of mankind, and particularly cautioned her to beware of love. “Good heavens, Sir,” answered she, “what is there to fear from a child?”
THE wig, CANE, AND II.A.T. By the side of a murmuring stream, An elderly gentleman sat; On the top of his head was his wig, And a-top of his wig was his hat. The wind it blew high and blew strong, As the elderly gentleman sat ; And bore from his head in a trice, And flung in the river his hat. The gentleman then took his cane, Which lay by his side as he sat: And he dropt in the river his wig, In attempting to get out his hat. His breast it grew cold with despair, And full in his eye madness sat; So he flung in the river his cane, To swim with his wig and his hat. Cool reflection at length came across, While this elderly gentleman sat ; So he thought he would follow the stream, And look for his cane, wig, and hat. His head being thicker than common, Overbalanced the rest of his fat, And in plumpt this son of a woman, 'o follow his wig, cane, and hat.
cLeft ICAL LEARNING
A Kentish curate being one day at the house of a "other clergyman, who showed him a numerous col
THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER,
lection of books, in various languages, asked him whether he understood them all ! The answer box in the affirmative, he rejoined, “Surely, surely, to ther, you must have had your head broken with a brick from the tower of Babel.”
ope To saint PATRICK.
w RITTEN while HALF ripsy, over. A solitary
* A person, o: the Devil's advocate, empt * * canonization of Saints, to blackcn the character chosen for that honour. * * -o
But, let them call thee what they will, Through life I’ll love thy worship still, And when my race is over, Let shamrocks crown my bed of sleep, Let whiskey-dew the shamrocks steep, And friends say round me, while they weep, “ IIere lies a 12AT, in clover ?” sin to rep Tit e co MED1 AN. This performer was once engaged for a few nights in a principal city in the north of England. It happened that the stage that he went down in (and in which there was only an old gentleman and himself) was stopped on the road by a single highwayman. The old gentleman, in order to save his own money, pretended to be asleep; but Shuter resolved to be even with him. Accordingly, when the highwayman o his pistol, and commanded Shuter to deliver is money instantly, or he was a dead man—“Money" returned he, with an idiotic shrug, and a countenance inexpressibly vacant—“Oh Lud, Sir, they never trust me with any; for nuncle here always pays for me, turnpikes and all, your honour!" Upon which the highwayman gave him a few curses for his stupidity, complimented the old gentleman with a smart slap on the face to awaken him, and robbed him of every shilling he had in his pocket; while Shuter, who did not lose a single farthing, pursued his journey with great satisfaction and merriment, laughing heartily at his fellow-traveller clerical cu ft Iosity. A minister catechising his parishioners, among the rest called upon a woman ..". confidence than Judgment, and asked her who died for her. “ to: Sir," said she, “let me alone with your taunts s” He told her that this was no matter of taunting; and asked her the same question again. “Sir” rePied she, “I have been an honest housekeeper these **enty years, methinks it does not become a man of Your coat to mock me at this rate.”—“What do'st oran, woman " replies the parson; “I do not mock ** : I ask you who died for you ?” “Then,” cried **, “if you will have the truth, in plain English, I
was once so handsome, that as many would have
died for me as for any of your daughters, depend .
A SAW in G clause. It was customary with Marshal Bassompierre, when any of his soldiers were brought before him for heinous offences, to say to them “By God, brother, you or I will certainly be hanged" which was a susficient denunciation of their fate. A spy being discovered in his camp, was addressed in this language; and next day, as the provost was carrying the wretch to the gallows, he pressed earnestly to speak with the Marshal, alleging that he had somewhat of importance to communicate. The Marohal, being made acquainted with this request, exclaimed, “It is the way of all these rascals; when ordered for execution, they pretend some frivolous story, merely to reprieve themselves for a few moments: however, bring the dog hither.” Being introduced, the Marshal asked him what he had to say? “Why, my lord,” said the culprit, “when first I had the honour of your conversation, you was obliging enough to say, that either you or I should be hanged: now I am come to know, whether it is your pleasure to be so; because if you won't, I must, that's all.” The Marshal was so leased with the fellow's humour, that he ordered him to be released.
An old French gentleman once complained that he had been cheated by a monk, when one of that order, being present, said to him—“I am surprised, Sir, that a person of your years and discretion should not yet know a monk It is, however, never too late to learn; and, for the future, let me advise you to beware of four things: of a woman before, of a mule behind, of a cart sideways, and of a monk every way.” specis(EN of BEAU NAsh's MANNER of TELLING A
I will tell you something to that purpose—that, I fancy, will make you laugh. A covetous old parson, as rich as the devil, scraped a fresh acquaintance with me several years ago at Bath. I knew him when he and I were students at Oxford, where we both studied dammation hard; but that is neither here northere. Well, very well. I entertained him at my house in John's Court—no, my house in John's Court was not built then—but I entertained him with all that the city could afford ; the rooms, the music, and every thing in the world. Upon his leaving Bath, he pressed me very hard to return the visit; and desired me to let him have the pleasure of seeing me at his house in Devonshire. About six months after, I happened to be in that neighbourhood; and was resolved to see my old friend, from whom I expected a very warm reception. Well, I knocked at his door : when an old queer creature of a maid came to the door, and denied him. I suspected, however, that he was at home; and, going into the parlour, what should I see but the parson's legs up the chimney; where he had thrust himself to avoid entertaining me. This was very well. “My dear,” says I to the maid, “it is very cold, extremely cold indeed ; and I am afraid I have got a touch of my ague : light me the fire, if you please.” “La, Sir!” says the maid, who was a modest creature, to be sure, “ the chimney smokes monstrously; you would not bear the room for three minutes together.” By the greatest good-luck there was a bundle of straw on
"le hearth; and I called for a candle, The candle
came. “Well, good woman,” says I, “since you will not light me a fire, I will light one for myself." and in a moment the straw was all in a blaze. This quickly unkennelled the old fox : there he stood in an old rusty night-gown, blessing himself, and looking like—a—hem—egad Here I stand, gentlemen, who could once leap forty-two feet upon level ground, at three standingjumps, backward or forward: one, two, three-da; like an arrow out of a bow—but I am old now. I remember I once leaped for three hundred guineas with Count Klopstock, the great leaper, leapingmaster to the Prince of Passau: you must all have heard of him. First he began with the runningjump; and a most damnable bounce it was, that is certain. Every body concluded that he had the match hollow ; when, only taking off my hat, stripping off neither coat, shoes, nor stockings—mind me —I fetched a run, and went beyond him one foot, three inches, and three quarters, measured, upon my soul! by captain Pately's own standard
The wise men of Egypt were secret as dummies;