day!"-"By your directions," said the surgeon, "It What they do in heaven we are ignorant of; what bled all the right ward, and purged all the left"-they do not we are told expressly-that they neither Good," replied the other, then to-day purge all marry, nor are given in marriage. the right, and bleed all the left,”—and then leapt into his carriage. LACONICS. We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love, one another. How is it possible to expect that mankind will take advice, when they will not so much as take warning? I forget whether advice be among the last things which Ariosto says are to be found in the moon; that and time ought to have been there. When a man observes the choice of ladies now-adays in the dispensing of their favours, can he forbear paying some veneration to the memory of those mares mentioned by Xenophon; who, while their manes were on, (that is, while they were in their beauty,) would never admit the embraces of an ass. It is a miserable thing to live in suspense; it is the life of a spider. The stoical scheme of supplying our wants by lopping off our desires, is like cutting off our feet when we want shoes. Physicians ought not to give their judgment of reReligion seems to have grown an infant with age, ligion, for the same reason that butchers are not adand requires miracles to nurse it, as it had in its in-mitted to be jurors upon life and death. fancy. All fits of pleasure are balanced by an equal degree of pain of languor; it is like spending this year part of the next year's revenue. One argument to prove that the common relations of ghosts and spectres are generally false, may be drawn from the opinion held, that spirits are never seen by more than one person at a time; that is to say, it seldom happens to above one person in a company to be possessed with any high degree of spleen or melancholy. The reason why so few marriages are happy, is because young ladies spend their time in making nets, not in making cages. If a man will observe as he walks the streets, I believe he will find the merriest countenances in mourning coaches. Ill company is like a dog, who dirts those most whom he loves best. Satire is reckoned the easiest of all wit; but I take it to be otherwise in very bad times for it is as hard to satirize well a man of distinguished vices, as to I am apt to think, that in the day of judgment praise well a man of distinguished virtues. It is easy there will be small allowance given to the wise for enough to do either to people of moderate characters. their want of morals, and to the ignorant for their When the world has once begun to use us ill, it want of faith, because both are without excuse. This afterwards continues the same treatment with less readers the advantages equal of ignorance and know-scruple or ceremony, as men do to a woman of pleasure. ledge. But some scruples in the wise, and some s in the ignorant, will perhaps be forgiven upon the strength of temptation to each. It is pleasant to observe how free the present age In laying taxes on the next: "Future ages shall talk of this; this shall be famous to all posterity:" whereas their time and thoughts will be taken up about present things, as ours are now. Herodotus tells us, that in cold countries beasts wery seldom have horns, but in hot they have very large ones. This might bear a pleasant application. Anthony Henly's farmer, dying of an asthma, said, "Well, if I can get this breath once out, I will take care it shall never get in again." Complaint is the largest tribute heaven receives, and the sincerest part of our devotion. The common fluency of speech in many men, and most women, is owing to a scarcity of matter, and a scarcity of words; for whoever is a master of language, and has a mind full of ideas, will be apt in speaking to hesitate upon the choice of both; whereas common speakers have only one set of ideas, and one set of words to clothe them in; and these are always | ready at the mouth; as people come faster out of a church when it is almost empty, than when a crowd is at the door. If a man makes me keep my distance, the comfort is, he keeps his at the same time. Kings are commonly said to have long hands; I wish they had as long ears. Princes, in their infancy, childhood, and youth, are said to discover prodigious parts and wit, to speak things that surprise and astonish; strange, so many hopeful princes, so many shameful kings! If they happen to die young, they would have been prodigies of wisdom and virtue; if they live, they are often prodigies, indeed, but of another sort. Silenus, the foster-father of Bacchus, is always carried by an ass, and has horns on his head. The moral is, that drunkards are led by fools, and have a great chance to be cuckolds. Those who are against religion, must needs be fools; and therefore we read that, of all animals, God refused the first-born of an ass. A very little wit is valued in a woman, as we are pleased with a few words spoken plain by a parrct. A nice man is a man of nasty ideas. Apollo was held the god of physic, and sender of diseases. Both were originally the same trade, and still continue. Old men and comets have been reverenced for the same reason; their long beards, and pretences to foretell events. PREDILECTIONS IN DRINKING. Let musty old anchorites banish good wines, When he toasts the bright glance of his mistress's eyes, And his sorrows drown deep in Champagne. But variety even in drinking we court, And mankind still to differ consent; Here's Spruce for the dandies, those fanciful elvis, Here's Madeira for each pretty lass! The player will Punch for his favounte greet Then let each fill his glass, till exhausted's our store, SPECIAL JURIES. A gentleman of Islington was for the first time summoned, a few years ago, on a special jury in the Exchequer. He arrived too late, and found the jury A person was asked at court, what he thought of impanneled. Alarmed at his delinquency, and experi an ambassador and his train, who were all em-ing to be heavily fined, he took advice, and was rebroidery and lace, full of bows, cringes, and gestures; he said, it was Solomon's importation, gold and apes. As universal a practice as lying is, and as easy a one as it seems, I do not remember to have heard three good liars in all my conversation, even from those who were most celebrated in that faculty. DEAN SWIFT. ferred to the solicitor of the Excise, who, happening to be much engaged, told him in a sharp way to come again to-niorrow. On the morrow be weA again and began his humble suit.-"So then you wewe not on the jury?"-"No," replied the trembling To expecting his sentence to follow the conless-1. "Well" said the other, "do betier another time, bus take it," and he threw him a guinea. The juror stared, and was beginning some observations, when the solitar interrupted him with warmth-"Now, Sir," said he, | laughter, which broke the quinsy, and cured him; "can't you be content? you say you were not on the for which the doctor and his man were well rewarded. jury, and yet I have paid you, as though you had been-go about your business!" The juryman took him at his word, and departed, marvelling at the nature of the penalties inflicted on Exchequer Juries. DR. RADCLIFFE AND THE PAVIER A pavier to whom this physician was indebted, after many fruitless attempts, caught him just getting out of his chariot, and demanded the payment of his bill." What, you rascal," said the doctor, "do you pretend to be paid for such a piece of work? Why, you have spoiled my pavement, and then covered it over with earth to hide your bad work!"-" Doctor, doctor," said the pavier, "mine is not the only bad work that the earth hides !"-" You dog," said the doctor, you are a wit; you must be poor, come in," and he paid him his demand. CURE FOR THE QUINSY. Dr. Radcliffe was once sent for into the country to a gentleman who was dangerously ill of a quinsy; and the doctor soon perceived that no application, internal or external, would be of any service; upon which he desired the lady of the house to order the cook to make a large hasty pudding; and when it was done, to let his own servant bring it up. While the cook was about it, he took his man aside, and stracted him what he was to do. In a short time "Come, the than brought up the pudding in great order, and set it on the table, in full view of the patient. Joha," said he, "you love hasty pudding, eat some along with me, for I believe you came out without your breakfast." Both began with their spoons, but Jcha's spoon going twice to his master's once, the dator took occasion to quarrel with him, and dabbed a spoonful of hot pudding in his face; John reedu, and threw another at his master. This at the doctor in a passion, and, quitting his spoon, took the pudding up by handfuls, and threw it at man, who battled him again in the same man. The patient, who had a full view of the skirmish, was so tickled at the fancy, that he burst into a fit of WINE AND PHYSIC. A gentleman, who was affected with a constant rheum in his eyes, waited on his physician for advice, The doctor desired him to leave off drinking wine. In a few weeks, the gentleman experienced the good effect of the prescription, and thought he could do no less than call on the doctor to return him thanks. He was not a little surprised to find him in a tavern, and very merry over a bottle of wine with a friend, notwithstanding his eyes were affected with the same disease he had just removed. "Well," said the gentleman, "I see you doctors don't follow your own prescriptions." The son of Esculapius knew in an instant what he meant, and made this observation: "If you love your eyes better than wine, don't drink it; but as I love wine better than my eyes, I do drink it." CHEAP CURSES. The Puritans were more severe in the punishment of swearing than cursing; for when an Irishman was fined twelvepence for an oath, he asked what he should pay for a curse? They said sixpence. He threw down sixpence, and cursed the whole committee. THE ELDEST SON, OR THE FISHERMAN PUZZLED. How Pat Molley stared, when he heard that his mo ther, Who'd been ten years a widow, had married another. By turns he ran frantic, then again melancholy : And often repeated his mother's base folly. A friend chanc'd to call, very friendly to chat, And to soothe, if he possibly could, his friend Pat. "Oh!" says Pat, "what a monster my mother must prove, Very near fifty-three, and so dying in love!" "Never mind," says his friend,“never heed it my honey, When they are both dead you'll get plenty of money; answer, That you think me to be the abbot of Glar tonbury, when as indeed I am but Jack his cook." A SIMPLE REPLY. In the court of King's Bench, a witness, named Lincoln, was called to prove a hand-writing; and, having looked at the paper some time without speaking, Mr. Erskine exclaimed, "Well, Sir, what is your belief? Don't let the devil overlook Lincoln, but give us your belief of the hand-writing." The witness, with great composure, turned round and said, "I did not observe, Sir, that you were looking over me; and as for the hand-writing, I can form no judgment of it." MR. SERGEANT BETTESWORTH AND DEAN SWIFT. The following lines on Sergeant Bettesworth, which Swift inserted in one of his poems, gave rise to a violent resentment on the part of the barrister -"So at the bar the booby Bettesworth, King Henry the Eighth having a month's mind to the abbot of Glastonbury's estate (who was one of the richest abbots in England) sent for him to his court, and told him, that unless he could resolve him three questions, he should not escape with his life. The abbot, willing to get out of his clutches, promised his best endeavours." The king's questions were these: first, Of what compass the world was about? Secondly, How deep the sea was? And, thirdly, What the king thought? The abbot desired some few days' respite, which being granted, The poem was sent to Bettesworth, at a time when he returned home, but with intent never to see the he was surrounded with his friends in a convivial king again, for he thought the questions impossible party He read it, then flung down with great to be resolved. His grief coming at last to the ears violence-took out his penknife, and, opening it, of his cook, he undertook, upon forfeiture of his life, vehemently swore, "With this very penknife will I to resolve these riddles, and to free his master from cut off his ears." He then went to the dean's house. danger. The abbot willingly consented. The cook and desired the doctor might be sent for; and ca put on the abbot's clothes, and at the time ap- Swift entering, and asking what were his command, pointed went to the court, and being like the abbot," Sir," said he, "I am Sergeant Bettesworth." "Of was taken by all the courtiers to be the same man. When he came before the king, he thus resolved his three questions. First, Of what compass the world was about? He said, "It was but twenty-four hours journey, and if a man went as fast as the sun, he might easily go it in that space." The second, How deep the sea was? He answered, Only a stone's cast; for throw a stone into the deepest place of it, and in time it will come to the bottom." To the third, "which I conceive," saith he, "your majesty thinks the most difficult to resolve: but indeed it is the easiest, that is, What your highness thinks? I|the author." what regiment, pray, Sir?" said Swift. "O Mr Dean, we know your powers of raillery, you know the well enough; I am one of his majesty's sergeants at law, and I am come to demand if you are author this poem, (producing it,) and these villainous lines on me?" "Sir," said Swift, "when I was a young man, I had the honour of being intimate with son great legal characters, particularly lord Somers, who, knowing my propensity to satire, advised mi. when I lampooned a knave or a fool, never to own & Conformably to that advice, I tell you that I am not ODE TO AN OLD WIG. Poor wig! not patriot whig! that title rare! Thee I address beneath thy lowly shed; Though now neglected, time no doubt has been, When all thy flowing honours fair were seen, Scented and powder'd on some first-rate head. Thy sun-burnt hue and tatter'd caul, I ween, Full many a change, and better days have seen, Of which thy bard in varied strains shall sing; She for whom in Twit'nam's bowers, Heaven bless us! from majesty's ears Or thou might'st to great Thurlow belong. Or if into times more remote, The muse has permission to ken, Again to Parnassus I fly, And to tell you the truth, so am I. Like unto Butler's bear and fiddle, "Though torn to pieces by the barber dire, But like the phoenix burst upon the day, And rise regenerate in an OLD MAID'S WIG!" LACONIC GRACE. Archbishop Laud was a man of short stature. Charles I. and the archbishop were one day about to sit down to dinner together, when it was agreed that Archer, the king's jester, should say grace for them, which he did as follows: "Great praise be given to God, but little laud to the devil." NAPOLEON AT WATERLOO. The advanced guard of the French army did not reach the plains of Waterloo till the seventeenth of June, at six in the evening, a delay occasioned by unfortunate occurrences on the road, otherwise the forces would have been on the spot by three o'clock in the afternoon. This circumstance greatly disconcerted the emperor Napoleon, who, pointing to the sun, exclaimed, "What would I not give to be this day possessed of the power of Joshua, to be able to retard thy march for two hours." |