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day !"- "By your directions," said the surgeon, “I What they do in heaven we are ignorant of; what bled all the right ward, and purged all the left". they do not we are told expressly—that they neither

Good," replied the other, “then to-day purge all marry, nor are given in marriage. the right, and bleed all the left,"—and then leapt

When a man observes the choice of ladies now-ainto his carriage.

days in the dispensing of their favours, can he forbear

paying some veneration to the memory of those mares LACONICS.

mentioned by Xenophon ; who, while their manes We have just enough religion to make us hate, but were on, (that is, while they were in their beauty,) not enough to make us love, one another.

would never admit the embraces of an ass. How is it possible to expect that mankind will It is a miserable thing to live in suspense; it is the take advice, when they will not so much as take life of a spider. warping?

The stoical scheme of supplying our wants by lopI forget whether advice be among the last things ping off our desires, is like cutting off our feet when which Ariosto says are to be found in the moon; that we want shoes. and time ought to have been there.

Physicians ought not to give their judgment of reReligion seems to have grown an infant with age, ligion, for the same reason that butchers are not adand requires rniracles to nurse it, as it had in its in- mitted to be jurors upon life and death. fancy.

The reason why so few marriages are happy, is beAll fits of pleasure are balanced by an equal degree cause young ladies spend their time in making nets, of pain or languor; it is like spending this year part of not in making cages. the next year's revenue.

If a man will observe as he walks the streets, I One argument to prove that the common relations believe he will find the merriest countenances in of ghosts and spectres are generally false, may be mourning coaches. drawn from the opinion held, that spirits are never Ill company is like a dog, who dirts those most seen by more than one person at a time; that is to whom he loves best, say, it seldom happens to above one person in a com Satire is reckoned the easiest of all wit; but I take papy to be possessed with any high degree of spleen it to be otherwise in very bad times : for it is as hard or melancholy.

to satirize well a man of distinguished vices, as to I am apt to think, that in the day of judgment praise well a man of distinguished virtues. It is easy there will be small allowance given to the wise for enough to do either to people of moderate characters. their want of morals, and to the ignorant for their When the world has once begun to use us ill, it want of faith, because both are without excuse. This afterwards continues the same treatment with less readers the advantages cqual of ignorance and know- scruple or ceremony, as men do to a woman of pleasure. tersge. But some scruples in the wise, and some Anthony Henly's farmer, dying of an asthma, said, **s in the ignorant, will perhaps be forgiven upon “Well, if I can get this breath once out, I will take the strength of temptation to each.

care it shall never get in again." It is pleasant to observe how free the present age Complaint is the largest tribute heaven receives, i lo laging taxes on the next : “ Future ages shall and the sincerest part of our devotion. all of this; this shall be famous to all posterity:" The common fluency of speech in many men, and shereas their time and thoughts will be taken up most women, is owing to a scarcity of matter, and a at present things, as ours are now.

scarcity of words; for whoever is a master of lanHerodotus tells us, that in cold countries beasts guage, and has a mind full of ideas, will be apt in egy seldom have horns, but hot they have very speaking to hesitate upon the choice of both ; whereas bunge ones. This might bear a pleasant application. common speakers have only one set of ideas, and one

set of words to clothe them in; and these are always

PREDILECTIONS IN DRINKING. ready at the inouth ; as people come taster out of a

Let musty old anchorites banish good wines, church when it is almost empty, than when a crowd is And renounce in the bottle their parts; at the door.

There is not a ray in the goblet that shines, If a man makes me keep my distance, the comfort But amends while it lightens our hearts : is, he keeps his at the same time.

It cheers the dull scholar, the fool it males wise, Kings are commonly said to have long hands; I And the lover may cease to complain, wish they had as long ears.

When he toasts the bright glance of bis mistress's Princes, in their infancy, childhood, and youth, are

eyes, said to discover prodigious parts and wit, to speak And his sorrows drown deep in Champegre, things that surprise and astonish ; strarge, so many But variety even in drinking we court, hopeful princes, so many shameful kings! If they And mankind still to ditier consent; happen to die young, they would have been prodigies Thus the sailor forgets all his dangers in Port, of wisdom and virtue; if they live, they are often pro And the soldier delights in his Teni, digies, indeed, but of another sort.

Here's Spruce for the dandies, those fanciful asis, Silenus, the foster-father of Bacchus, is always car Whose joy 's still to gaze in the glass; ried by an ass, and has horns on his head. The moral

For the miller here's Sack,-and as bright as thenis, that drunkards are led by fools, and have a great

selves, chance to be cuckolds.

Here's Madeira for each pretty lass! Those who are against religion, must needs be fools ;

With Mountain the traveller will joyfully meet, and therefore we read that, of all animals, God refused the first-born of an ass.

To Canary good singers all flock;

The player will Punch for his favounte greet A very little wit is valued in a woman, as we

And cynics are blest in old Hock are pleased with a few words spoken plain by a

Then let each till his glass, till exhausted's our store, parrct.

And a toast now to drink would you aså ;A nice man is a man of nasty ideas.

Here's health to the fair, and confusion io care, Apollo was held the god of physic, and sender of

And long life to the Sons of the flask! diseases. Both were originally the same trade, and still continue,

SPECIAL JURIES. Old men and comets have been reverenced for the

A gentleman of Islington was for the first tice same reason ; their long beards, and pretences to summoned, a few years ago, on a special jury in the foretell events.

Exchequer. He arrived ioo late, and found the jury A person was asked at court, what he thought of impanneled. Alarmed at bis delinquency, and espeii. an ambassador and his train, who were all em- ing to be heavily fined, he took advice, and was to broidery and lace, full of bows, cringes, and gestures ; ferred to the solicitor of the Excise, who, happraise he said, it was Solomon's importation, gold and to be much engaged, told him in a siap way to apes.

come again to- niortow. On the morrow ke Ex As universal a practice as lying is, and as easy a again and began his humble suit.-"* So then you ma one as it seems, I do not remember to have heard not on the jury!"-"No," replied the trembling jur three gocd liars in all my conversation, even from expecting his serience to follow the copless those who were most celebrated in that faculty. " Well" said the other, "do betier another me, bas

take it," and he threw him a guinea. The jurer stance, and was beginning some observations, when the solicher




interrupted him with warmth -“ Now, Sir," said he, laughter, which broke the quinsy, and cured him; "can't you be content? you say you were not on the for which the doctor and his man were well rewarded. jury, and yet I have paid you, as though you had been-go about your business!” The juryman took him at his word, and departed, marvelling at the A gentleman, who was affected with a constant nature of the penalties inflicted on Exchequer Juries. rheum in his eyes, waited on his physician for advice,

The doctor desired him to leave off drinking wine. DR. RADCLIFFE AND THE PAVIER

In a few weeks, the gentleman experienced the good A pavier to whom this physician was indebted, effect of the prescription, and thought he could do 20 after many fruitless attempts, caught him just getting less than call on the doctor to return him thanks. He out of his chariot, and demanded the payment of his was noľ a little surprised to find him in a tavern, and bill. " What, you rascal," said the doctor, “ do you very merry over a bottle of wine with a friend, notpretend to be paid for such a piece of work ? Why, withstanding his eyes were affec:ed with the same you have spoiled my pavement, and then covered it disease he had just removed. “Well,” said the genover with earth to bide your bad work!"-" Doctor, tleman, “ I see you doctors don't follow your own doctor," said the pavier, "mive is not the only bad prescriptions.” The son of Æsculapius knew in an work that the earth hides !"-" You dog," said the instant what he meant, and made this observation: ductor, “ you are a wit; you must be poor, come in,” If you love your eyes better than wine, don't and be paid bim his demand.

drink'it; but as I love wine better than my eyes, I CURE FOR THE QUINSY.

do drink it." Dr. Radcliffe was once sent for into the country to a geatleman who was dangerously ill of a quinsy; The Puritans were more severe in the punishment and the doctor soon perceived thay no application, of swearing than cursing ; for when an Irishman was internal or external, would be of any service; upon fined twelvepence for an oath, he asked what he wbich he desired the lady of the house to order the should pay for a curse? They said sixpence. Ile conds to make a large hasty pudding; and when it threw down sixpence, and cursed the whole come was done, to let his own servant bring it up. While mittee. the cook was about it, he took his man aside, and utructed him what he was to do. In a short time

THE ELDEST BON, OR TUE FISHERMAN PUZZLED. the man brenght up the pudding in great order, and How Pat Molley stased, when he heard that his moset it on the table, in full view of the patient. “Come,

ther, Joba," said he, - you love lasty pudding, eat some Who'd been ten years a widow, had married another. alway with me, for I believe you came out without By turns he ran frantic, then again melancholy: yur breakfast." Both began with their spoons, but And often repeated his mother's base folly. Icha's spoop going twice to his master's once, the & »•lar took occasion to quarrel with him, and dabbed A friend chanc'd to call, very friendly to chat, a sponíul of hot pudding in his face; John re. And to soothe, if he possibly could, his friend Pat. putu, and threw another at his master. “ Oh!” says Pat, “ what a monster my mother must omat the doctor in a passion, and, quitting his spoon,

prove, lol the pudding up by handfuls, and threw it at Very near fisty-thrce, and so dying in love !" has man, who batiled him again in the same mau “Never mind,” says his friend, “ never heed it my c. The patient, who had a full view of the skirmish,

honey, ass tickled at the fancy, that be burst into a fit of When they are both dead you'll get plenty of money :





The estate is all yours, boy, as sure as a gun,

answer, That you think me to be the abbot of GlasFor it can't go away from the only dear son.' tonbury, when as indeed I am but Jack his cook." “Aye,” says Pat, " that is right, but I'm thinking that

she, Now she's married, may have a son older than me."

In the court of King's Bench, a witness, named Lincoln, was called to prove a hand-writing; and,

having looked at the paper some time without speak Why do men sooner give to poor people that ing, Mr. Erskine exclaimed, “Well, Sir, what is beg, than to scholars ? The reason is, because they your belief? Don't let the devil overlook Lincola, think they may sooner come to be poor, than to be but give us your belief of the hand-writing.". The scholars.

witness, with great composure, turned round and said, “ I did not observe, Sir, that you were looking

over me; and as for the hand-writing, I can form no King Henry the Eighth having a month's mind to the abbot of Glastonbury's estate (who was one of judgment of it.” the richest abbots in England) sent for him to his MR. SERGEANT BETTESWCRTH AND DEAX SWIFT. court, and told him, that unless he could resolve

The following lines on Sergeant Bettesworth, which him three questions, he should not escape with his Swift inserted in one of his poems, gave rise to 3 life. The abbot, willing to get out of bis clutches, violent resentment on the part of the barrister promised his best endeavours. The king's questions —" So at the bar the booby Bettesworth, were these : first, of what compass the world was Though half-a-crown o'erpays his sweat's worth, about? Secondly, How deep the sea was ? And, Who knows in law, nor text, nor margent, thirdly, What the king thought ? The abbot de Calls Singleton his brother sergeant.' sired some few days' respite, which being granted, The poem was sent to Bettesworth, at a time when he returned home, but with intent never to see the he was surrounded with his friends in a convivial king again, for he thought the questions impossible party He read it, then Aung it down with great to be resolved. His grief coming at last to the ears violence-took out his penknife, and, openin; it, of his cook, he undertook, upon forfeiture of his life, vehemently swore, “ With this very penknife will í to resolve these riddles, and to free his master from cut off his ears." He then went to the dean's house, danger. The abbot willingly consented. The cook and desired the doctor might be sent for; and ca put on the abbot's clothes, and at the time ap- Swift entering, and asking what were his command. pointed went to the court, and being like the abbot,“ Sir,” said he, “ I am Sergeant Bettesworth.” HOE was taken by all the courtiers to be the same man. what regiment, pray, Sir ?" said Swift. "O Mr. When he came before the king, he thus resolved his Dean, we know your powers of raillery, you know me three questions. First, of what compass the world well enough ; I am one of his majesty's sergeants at was about ? He said, “ It was but twenty-four hours law, and I am come to demand if you are author journey, and if a man went as fast as the sun, he this poem, (producing it,) and these villainous bges might easily go it in that space." The second, How on me?" "Sir," said Swift," when I was a jours deep the sea was ? He answered, “Only a stone's man, I had the honour of being intimate with some cast: for throw a stone into the deepest place of it, great legal characters, particularly lord Sorbets and in time it will come to the bottom." To the who, knowing my propensity to satire, advisoi n. third, “ which I conceive,” saith he, “your majesty when I lampooned a knave or a fool, nerer to one thinks the most difficult to resolve: but indeed it is Conformably to that advice, I tell you that I am not the easiest, that is, What your highness thinks ? Il the author."


Or if into times more remote,
Poor wig! not patriot whig ! that title rare ! The muse has permission to ken,
Nor bun callid wig—but wig of human hair, Who knows but thou once grac'd the head
Thee I address beneath thy lowly shed;

Of Solomon, wisest of men.
Though now neglected, time no doubt has been,
When all thy flowing honours fair were seen,

Perhaps, but my thread is worn out,

Again to Parnassus I fly, Scented and powder'd on some first-rate head.

The reader perhaps may be tir’d,
Thy sun-burat hue and tatter'd caul, I ween,

And to tell you the truth, so am I.
Full many a change, and better days have seen,
Of which thy bard in varied strains shall sing ;

So here's a pretty exit of the muse!
For fancy sets his daring muse on fire,

Like unto Butler's bear and fiddle, O may thy rags her chequer'd verse inspire,

Begins, 'tis true, but breaks in twain And lift ber high on sympathetic wing.

Ere she has reach'd the middle. Tis doue, her bosom owns thy humble worth,

Then hear, O rev'rend covering for the head, And thus ber tender ladyship breaks forth :

Be mine the task to end the ode alone, Ere those locks belong'd to thee,

And waft prophetical thy future fame

To distant climes unknown :
Once perhaps they wanton'd free,
Airy, gay, and debonnaire,

“ Though torn to pieces by the barber dire, On Belinda's neck so fair ;

Still shall some chosen locks remain, She für whom in Twit'nam's bowers,

Worthy some nymph in chaste Diana's train, Pope called forth his magic powers,

Who daily brings her clean attire ; Gnomes and fairies heard the sound,

And hands the virgin to her spangled gig. And sylphs obsequious hover'd round,

These locks shall never pass away, Lightly skimming o'er the glade,

But like the phenix burst upon the day,
To wait upon the charming maid.

And rise regenerate in an OLD MAID's wig!"
Why may not the muse suppose ?
From those triple curls arose,

Archbishop Laud was a man of short stature, The sister-lock without compare

Charles I. and the archbishop were one day about to Ravich'd from its kindred hair ;

sit down to dinner together, when it was agreed that And in a moment after giv'n,

Archer, the king's jester, should say grace for them, (As proof of politesse) to heav'n ;

which he did as follows : “Great praise be given to There still, as licens'il poets say,

God, but little laud to the devil."
It brightens all the milky way,
Distinguish d by a stream of light,

The advanced guard of the French army did not And visible each star-light night.

reach the plains of Waterloo till the seventeenth of Ord windled through time to a scratch,

June, at six in the evening , a delay occasioned by la the gradual succession of years ;

unfortunate occurrences on the road, otherwise the Perbaj", thou hast kept out the cold,

forces would have been on the spot by three o'clock Ficaven bless us ! from majesty's ears

in the afternoon. This circumstance greatly disconThe wig which Judge Buller once own'd,

certed the emperor Napoleon, who, pointing to the Lommortal'd in Walcot's blithe song,

sun, exclaimed, “What would I not give to be this to be thy identical self,

day possessed of the power of Joshua, to be able to Or Whou might'st to great Thurlow belong. retard thy march for two hours."



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