A poetical Epistle from a young Gentleman in the Well, nothing appear'd, and my eyes 'gan to

ORTHOGRAPHY AND PUNCTUATION.

The husband of a pious woman having occasion to make a voyage, his wife sent a written request to the parson of the parish; but instead of spelling and pointing it properly, viz. "A person having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation," she spelled and pointed it as follows: A person, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation." The parson read it accordingly.

SWISS JUSTICE.

make a grant of the priory to our monastery?" The sick man, unable to speak, nodded his head. The monk, turning round to the son, who was in the room, said, "You see, Sir, my Lord, you father, assenis to my request." The son immediately es claimed, with great gravity, "Father, is it y blessed will that I should kick this monk dow a stairs."

The same nod was given as before; upon which te youth said, "You see it is my father's geed pa sure;" and with a few lusty kicks, he sent him cos headlong.

LEGAL ADVICE.

SPENCER'S FAIRY QUEEN

A French traveller lodged at a very humble inn, in a little town near Lausanne, and made only a "Sir” said á barber to an attorney who was pe frugal meal; but when the moment arrived for paying his door," will you tell me if this is a good seres ment, his host demanded twelve francs. "Twelve shilling piece." The lawyer pronouncing the p francs!" exclaimed the traveller." Is there no jus- good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with gar tice in this country?"-"Pardonnez moi, Monsieur, gravity, If you'll send your lad to my office, "1 il y a de la justice," replied the innkeeper, with Swiss return the four-pence." phlegm. "Eh bien, je cours chez le magistrat." The traveller set out for the commune, where he was obliged to wait a considerable time. At length he was introduced into the hall, but imagine his sur prise, when he found his landlord was to be his judge! "You have some complaint to make, Sir, I believe ?" said l'aubergiste magistrat. "Yes, Sir." —“ Well, Sir, what have you to say?”—“ Eh parbleu! you know best-take your bill and judge yourself."" You are right said the burgomaster" je condamne l'aubergiste à ne recevoir que six francs; il faut que chacun fasse son état dans ce monde."

When Spencer had finished the Fairy Queen, le carried it to the Earl of Southampton, the go patron of the poets of those days. The manus being sent up to the earl, he read a few pages = then ordered the servant to give the writer twe pounds. Reading further, he cried, in a rag

Carry that man another twenty pounds"" P. ceeding still, he said, "Give him twenty more.' But at length he lost all patience, and "Go tura that fellow out of the house, for if I ru on I shall be ruined."

FREDERIC THE GREAT.

As the king was passing in review several ments near Potsdam, he oberved a soldier web large scar over his face-Finding he was a F man, Frederic addressed him in his native la: saying, "In what alehouse did you get woonded The soldier smartly replied, In that where Majesty paid the reckoning."

SLANDER.

A gentleman of a malevolent and wasped position, having died it was reported by some po

of his acquaintance that he had poisoned himself, en which a lady observed, "Surely, he must have bitten his own tongue."

THE HAUNTED CHAMBER.

;

So I stept into bed, and (I speak without boast)
Felt no apprehension of little Miss Ghost
For I must inform you (as gossips had talk'd)
'Twas a lady whose sprite so appallingly walk'd.

4 poetical Epistle from a young Gentleman in the Well, nothing appear'd, and my eyes 'gan to

Country to his Brother in London.

Safe seated at uncle's, to promises true,

I send the good news, my dear brother to you; So cheerful the house of our worthy relation, never enjoy'd such a pleasant vacation;

I

Good sporting, good neighbours, good living, good

wise ;

And the good of all goods-female beauty, divine!
For all our fair cousins (don't envy me, pray)
Are handsome, accomplish'd, enchanting, and gay;

close

It struck three, just as I was beginning to doze,
When I fancied I heard the door gently unclose.
I started upright, and (conceive my affright)
I saw gliding in a tall female in white!

I shiver'd with cold-zounds! it could not be fear!
I own I felt queerish, and shiver'd ;—but hear-
The figure was clothed in a robe all beruffled,
Her features were hidden, her face was so muffled;
She stalk'd to my bed, and the curtain undrew,
Then lay herself down-as I live, it is true;

Thoagh, in all the attractions with which they are But, though a kind girl is my greatest delight,

blest,

The elegant Emily 30ars o'er the rest.
But 'tis time I descend from heroics, to tell
The wondrous adventure which lately befell.
Arriv'd at our uncle's old mansion, I found
A numerous party assembled around,
The chambers all occupied (so said our host)
Save one that was plagu'd with-what think you?

a ghost!

I thought they were quizzing; but all our fair cousins
Most gravely asserted that spirits by dozens
Were geen from this terrible chamber to come,
Aud nobody ventur'd to sleep in the room.
Ilangh'd at the bugbear, and frankly declar'd
I'd sleep in the room, though the devil appear'd'
My courage was highly extoll'd, as you'll think,
And, applauded by beauty, pray how could I shrink?
I sow'd that I'd cheer with good spirits my heart,
And that should keep all evil spirits apart.
The gloomy old chamber was air'd for my birth,
And the evening pass'd gaily with music and mirth.
Twas midnight-we parted-and I, nothing daunted,
Repair'd to this room so mysteriously haunted;
Here a fine blazing fire, with each comfort akin,
Warm'd my courage without, as good wine warm'd
within:

I had no inclination to lie with a sprite;
So I mov'd farther off, till I lay on the post,
And left my warm bed to this comical ghost.
While I cower'd, in a tremor, the bed-clothes be-
neath,

I fancied I heard my strange bedfellow breathe!
I listen'd-the breathing I heard as before-
And louder it grew-till 'twas almost a snore
Thinks I, For a phantom, 'tis funny enough-
It sure must be made of corporeal stuff;"
So I softly extended my hand to the form,
And, touching it, found it substantial and warm!
And by her respiring so loudly and deep,

I judg'd 'twas some lady who walk'd in her sleep.
Thought I, To so lovely a ghost I could cling,'
When I felt on her delicate finger a ring;

I rais'd her soft hand, and remov'd it with care,
For says I to myself, "This will tell who you are.
That instant my bedfellow threw off the clothes,
And, tho' fast asleep, started up on her toes;
Then backwards and forwards she glided about,
And, as she came in, she at last glided out!
I laugh'd at the spectre that made all this riot,
And, after a yawn or two, rested in quiet.
This curious event so disturb'd my repose,
"Twas late in the morning before 1 arose:

When I enter'd the breakfast-room, smiling and roads were uncommonly bad, went to pay a visit to

"Mislaid," said I, laughing, "where Miss lay herself;
For you are the ghost, my fair cousin, yourself;
Aud, strange as it seems, know, good people, I said,
Last night cousin Emily slept in my bed."
"You're joking," cried one," "Tis too bad," cried
another,

While Emily tried her confusion to smother.

a person of quality in the neighbourhood, when has coach was overturned in a slough, and the servants were unable to extricate the carriage. As it was far from any house, and the weather bad, the coachman freely told his master he believed they must stay there all night, "for," said he, "while your grace is present, I cannot make the horses move." Astonished at this strange reason, his lordship desired him to explain himself: "It is," said he, "because I dare not swear in your presence: and, if I don't, we shall never get clear." The bishop finding nothing could be done if the servant was not humoured, replied, Well, then, swear a little, but not much." The coachman made use of his permission, and the horses, used to such a kind of dialect, soon set the coach at liberty.

THREE BLACK CROWS.

'Tis true," I exclaim'd," and the truth must pre- Two honest tradesmen, meeting in the Strand,

vail,"

Then frankly related my whimsical tale.

All laugh'd, and declar'd I the secret must keep,
When a lady commits a faux-pas in her sleep;
While I thought all their mirth a confounded intrusion,
For I saw lovely Emily sink in confusion.

66

At length our good uncle observ'd, with a smile,
Fauz-pas in the sleep are faux-pas without guile;
Aud, since she has taken the place of a wife,
Suppose, my dear nephew, you take her for life.
With her ten thousand pounds you may prudently wed,
And you must take care, boy, to keep her in bed."
I lik'd, the proposal-to Emily turn'd,

Whose cheek with the pure blush of modesty burn d
And ask'd, as a sign of consent, for a kiss:
Her lips falter'd no, but her eyes implied yes.
"Twas settled; fair Emily's mine, with her pelf,

One took the other briskly by the hand;

Hark-ye," said he, "tis an odd story this About the crows!"-" I don't know what it is,"

Reply'd his friend-" No! I'am surpris'd at that;

Where I come from it is the common chat;
But you shall hear; an odd affair indeed!
Not to detain you from a thing so strange,
And that it happened, they are all agreed.
A gentleman, that lives not far from 'Change,
This week, in short, as all the alley knows,
Taking a puke, has thrown up three black crows."
Impossible!"—" Nay, but 'tis really true;
I have it from good hands, and so may you."
"From whose, I pray?"-So having named the mat,
Straight to inquire his curious comrade ran.
Sir, did you tell'"-relating the affair-

And, henceforth, I'll keep the sweet ghost to myself." Yes, Sir, I did; and if 'tis worth your care,
The somnambulist shall not so favour ANOTHER,

So vows, my dear Tom,

Your affectionate brother.

SWEARING AND DRIVING.

Ask Mr. Such-a-one, he told it me,

But, by the by, 'twas two black crows, not three."
Resolv'd to trace so wondrous an event,

Whip to the third the virtuoso went.

"Sir," and so forth-" Why yes: the thing is fact,

A bishop being at his seat in the country where the Tho' in regard to number, not exact;

It was not two black crows, 'twas only one,
The truth of that you may depend upon;
The gentleman himself told me the case-'
"Where may I find him?"-" Why, in such a place."
Away goes he, and having found him out,
"Sir, be so good as to resolve a doubt”-
Then to his last informant he referr'd,

And begg'd to know if true what he had heard:
"Did you, Sir, throw up a black crow?"-" Not
"Bless me! how people propagate a lie!
Black crows have been thrown up, three, two, and

one :

VOLTAIRE AND HIS BOOKSeller.

At the rehearsal of one of Voltaire's tragedies, as Mr. Cramer, a bookseller at Geneva, was finishing his part, which was to end with some dying sentences, Voltaire cried out aloud-" Cramer, you lived like a prince in the four preceding acts, but in the fifth you die like a bookseller." A medical gentleman present, could not help interfering; with, "Why, I"-Mons. de Voltaire, can you expect gentlemen to be at the expense of dresses, and the fatigue of getting up such long parts, if you thus upbraid them? On the contrary, I think they all deserve the greatest encouragement at your hands; and as to my friend Cramer, I declare, that, as far as I am a judge, he dies with the same dignity as he lived." Voltaire, who detested advice or information, made this cool answer; "Prithee, doctor, when you have got kings to kill, kill them in your own way; but let me kill mine as I please."

And here I find all comes at last to none!
Did you say nothing of a crow at all?”
"Crow-crow-perhaps I might; now I recall
The matter over."" And, pray, Sir, what was't?"
"Why I was horrid sick, and, at the last,
I did throw up, and told my neighbour so,
Something that was-as black, Sir, as a crow."

DEGREES OF INEBRIETY.

As drunk as an owl, as drunk as a sow, as drunk as a beggar, as drunk as the devil, as drunk as a lord. These are the principal comparisons of drunkenness, and the explanation is as follows: a man is as drunk as an owl, when he cannot see; he is as drunk as a beggar, when he is very impudent; he is as drunk as the devil, when he is inclined to mischief; and as drunk as a lord, when he is every thing that

is bad.

CURIOUS EPITAPHS.

In a church-yard, in Sussex, is the following epitaph:

Here lie two children dear,

One buried at Portsea, the other here. This is only equalled by another in France: The mayor of a small provincial town having died on a visit to the capital, where he was buried, his administrators put up a monument to him in his parish church, on which was engraved, Ci-git Monsieur B***, qui a été enterré à Paris." Here lies Monsieur B***, who was buried at Paris!

AN UNLUCKY CONFESSION

A physician, who lived in London, attended a lady, who lived in Chelsea. After continuing his visits for some time, the lady expressed an apprehension that it might be inconvenient for him to come so far on her account. "Oh, Madam!" replied the doctor, "I have another patient in this neighbourhood, and by that means, you know, I kill two birds with one stone." "Doctor," replied the lady, " you are too good a shot for me," and dispensed with his further

attendance.

EXTEMPORE

On a gentleman with very thin legs.
Sir, that you're brave you need not swear,
The reason why I will disclose;
A coward heart would take more care,
Than trust itself to legs like those.
EPITAPH ON A WOMAN WHO NEVER HAD CHILDREN.
Here lies the body of barren Peg,
Who had no issue, but one in her leg;
But while she was living, she was so cunning,
That when one stood still, the other was running,