My heart is like an Irish stew, My brain like batter pudding; I'm sure you wouldn't wonder, My heart with transport 'gins to jump, It leap'd up like a salmon. That when she cuts an onion, You'll see the tear start in her eye, Like granny reading Bunyan, But what avails it now to whine, And crying eyes to jelly, The clock has struck, it's time to dine, Love will not fill the belly. A LIMB OF THE LAW, A gentleman who was quitting the Court of k Bench, found some difficulty in pressing his was and coming toc closely in contact with the gew: a barrister, the latter exclaimed, "Do mind. 5 don't tear one to pieces." "No, sir," said the a tleman, "that is your business, not mine." BUSINESS AND PLEASURE. When Mrs. Baddeley was once confined in a lock-up-house, she sung so sweetly that she s herself out of her cage; but her keeper soon fun fatal effects of the siren's voice, and was himself. Being asked by a fellow prisoner King's Bench, "what business he bad the "Faith," replied he, "I had no business her came here for pleasure." THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. SINGING AND JUMPING. him. She therefore told him, unless he entered into a new and legal engagement, she would take a step Handel was once the proprietor of the Opera- which would still render her marriage with him perhouse, London, and at the time presided at the harp-fectly valid. He laughed at her; but she performed sichord in the orchestra. His embellishments were her promise, by bringing a certificate, and producing & masterly that the attention of the audience was a register, by which it appeared that the Maiden frequently diverted from the singing to the accompaniment, to the frequent mortification of the vocal Lane pastry-cook, previous to his marriage with her, was married to another woman, who was then alive. professors. A pompous Italian singer was once so This disconcerted the merchant; who, however, got chagrined at the marked attention paid to the harp-rid of her importunities, by giving her a considersichord, in preference to his own singing, that he swore, that if ever Handel played him a similar trick, put a he would jump down upon his instrument, and stop to the interruption. Upon which Handel thus accosted him :-"Oh! oh! you vill jump, vill you? very vell, Sare; be so kind, and tell me de night ven and you vill jump, and I vill advertishe it in de bills; shall get grate dale more money by your jumping kan I shall get by your singing." SCRAPERS. able sum, on condition of her going to Jamaica, where she settled as keeper of a coffee-house, and died soon after. NEW USE OF THE COMMANDMENTS. A gentlemen was one day telling a lady of thieves having broken into a church, and stolen the communion-plate and the ten commandments-" I can suppose," added the informant, "that they may melt and sell the plate, but can you divine for what posFoote being once annoyed by a poor fiddler "strain-sible purpose they could take the commandments?" g harsh discord" under his window, sent him out a " To break them, to be sure," replied she, illing, with a request that he would play else- break them." here, as one scraper at the door was sufficient. CONSTANTIA PHILIPS. THE BEST OF A BAD JOB. 46 "to Two friends, who had not seen each other a long "How do To the early part of Mr. Muilman's life, he be-while, met one morning quite by chance. Why, not very well," repliedtre enamoured with Constantia Philips; and, find-you do?" said one. be could not procure her as a mistress, resolved the other; "I have been married since I saw you.' venture upon her as a wife. They married, but "Well done, that is good news, however."" Not re not happy. "Mr. Muilman," said Constantia, so very good, for my wife was a most woful scold." they had been married about three months--"That was bad."-" Not so bad neither, she Ez. Muilman, I believe you are heartily tired of brought me two thousand pounds."-" That was con"-"Not entirely, for I speculated in and I am as heartily tired of you; so, if you will solation though.". e five hundred a-year upon me, I will put you in sheep, which all died of the rot."-"That was very y of dissolving our marriage." He eagerly em- unfortunate!"-" Not so very unfortunate, for I made ed the proposal, and gave her his bond for per- as much by their skins as I should have done by their ng the contract; on which she produced a flesh."-" Then you were as lucky as if it had not hapfate of her previous marriage to a pastry-cook, pened."-" Not quite; for my house was one night lived in Maiden Lane, Covent Garden. This burnt, and every note of the money consumed.""What a most woful misfortune!"-" Not so woful ** being ascertained, Mr. Muilman refused to pay annuity; and she found there was a flaw in the as you may imagine, for my wife and my house were ing up, which put it out of her power to compel burnt together." My heart is like an Irish stew, My brain like batter pudding; I'm sure you wouldn't wonder, My heart with transport 'gins to jump, It leap'd up like a salmon. That when she cuts an onion, You'll see the tear start in her eye, Like granny reading Bunyan, But what avails it now to whine, And crying eyes to jelly, The clock has struck, it's time to dine, Love will not fill the belly. SINGING AND JUMPING. him. She therefore told him, unless he entered into Handel was once the proprietor of the Opera- which would still render her marriage with him pera new and legal engagement, she would take a step house, London, and at the time presided at the harp-fectly valid. He laughed at her; but she performed sichord in the orchestra. His embellishments were so masterly that the attention of the audience was her promise, by bringing a certificate, and producing frequently diverted from the singing to the accoma register, by which it appeared that the Maiden paniment, to the frequent mortification of the vocal Lane pastry-cook, previous to his marriage with her, was married to another woman, who was then alive. professors. A pompous Italian singer was once so This disconcerted the merchant; who, however, got chagrined at the marked attention paid to the harp-rid of her importunities, by giving her a considersichord, in preference to his own singing, that he able sum, on condition of her going to Jamaica, swore, that if ever Handel played him a similar trick, where she settled as keeper of a coffee-house, and he would jump down upon his instrument, and put a stop to the interruption. Upon which Handel thus accosted him :-Oh! oh! you vill jump, vill you? very vell, Sare; be so kind, and tell me de night ven you vill jump, and I vill advertishe it in de bills; and I shall get grate dale more money by your jumping than I shall get by your singing." died soon after. NEW USE OF THE COMMANDMENTS. A gentlemen was one day telling a lady of thieves having broken into a church, and stolen the communion-plate and the ten commandments-" I can suppose," added the informant, "that they may melt and sell the plate, but can you divine for what posFoote being once annoyed by a poor fiddler "strain-sible purpose they could take the commandments?” ing harsh discord" under his window, sent him out a "To break them, to be sure," replied she, "to shilling, with a request that he would play else- break them." where, as one scraper at the door was sufficient. SCRAPERS. CONSTANTIA PHILIPS. THE BEST OF A BAD JOB. Two friends, who had not seen each other a long In the early part of Mr. Muilman's life, he be- while, met one morning quite by chance. "How do came enamoured with Constantia Philips ; and, find-you do?" said one. Why, not very well," replied ing he could not procure her as a mistress, resolved the other; "I have been married since I saw you." to venture upon her as a wife. They married, but" Well done, that is good news, however."-" Not were not happy. "Mr. Muilman," said Constantia, so very good, for my wife was a most woful scold." after they had been married about three months--"That was bad.”—“ Not so bad neither, she "Mr. Muilman, I believe you are heartily tired of brought me two thousand pounds."—" That was conme, and I am as heartily tired of you; so, if you will solation though."-"Not entirely, for I speculated in settle five hundred a-year upon me, I will put you in sheep, which all died of the rot."-" That was very a way of dissolving our marriage." He eagerly em- unfortunate!"-"Not so very unfortunate, for I made braced the proposal, and gave her his bond for per- as much by their skins as I should have done by their forming the contract; on which she produced a flesh."-"Then you were as lucky as if it had not hapcertificate of her previous marriage to a pastry-cook, pened." "Not quite; for my house was one night who lived in Maiden Lane, Covent Garden. This burnt, and every note of the money consumed.' point being ascertained, Mr. Muilman refused to pay "What a most woful misfortune!"-" Not so woful er annuity; and she found there was a flaw in the as you may imagine, for my wife and my house were drawing up, which put it out of her power to compel | burnt together." ORTHOGRAPHY AND PUNCTUATION. The husband of a pious woman having occasion to make a voyage, his wife sent a written request to the parson of the parish; but instead of spelling and pointing it properly, viz. "A person having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation," she spelled and pointed it as follows: A person, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation." The parson read it accordingly. 66 SWISS JUSTICE. make a grant of the priory to our monastery?" The LEGAL ADVICE. shilling piece." The lawyer pronouncing the pur good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with gre gravity, "If you'll send your lad to my office, l'a return the four-pence." SPENCER'S FAIRY QUEEN A French traveller lodged at a very humble inn, in a little town near Lausanne, and made only a "Sir" said á barber to an attorney who was pas frugal meal; but when the moment arrived for paying his door," will you tell me if this is a good seve ment, his host demanded twelve francs. "Twelve francs !" exclaimed the traveller.-"Is there no justice in this country?"-" Pardonnez moi, Monsieur, il y a de la justice," replied the innkeeper, with Swiss phlegm. Eh bien, je cours chez le magistrat." The traveller set out for the commune, where he was obliged to wait a considerable time. At length he When Spencer had finished the Fairy Queen, was introduced into the hall, but imagine his sur- carried it to the Earl of Southampton, the g prise, when he found his landlord was to be his patron of the poets of those days. The manu judge! "You have some complaint to make, Sir, I being sent up to the earl, he read a few pages av believe?" said l'aubergiste magistrat. "Yes, Sir." then ordered the servant to give the writer te Well, Sir, what have you to say?"-"Eh par-pounds. Reading further, he cried, in a ra bleu! you know best-take your bill and judge yourself.”—“ You are right said the burgomaster-" je condamne l'aubergiste à ne recevoir que six francs; il faut que chacun fasse son état dans ce monde." 14 MONK OUTWITTED. P. Carry that man another twenty pounds!" cecding still, he said, "Give him twenty po more.' But at length he lost all patience, anal "Go tura that fellow out of the house, for if i Pur on I shall be ruined." FREDERIC THE GREAT. As the king was passing in review several ments near Potsdam, he oberved a soldier b large scar over his face-Finding he was a F man, Frederic addressed him in his native la saying, “In what alehouse did you get wonaded " The soldier smartly replied, In that where SLANDER. A monk having introduced himself to the bed-Majesty paid the reckoning." side of a dying nobleman, of considerable wealth, who was at the time in a state approaching to insensibility, said to him in an urgent tone," My Lord, will you A gentleman of a malevolent and waspes position, having died it was reported by some po |