MUNCHAUSEN OUTDONE.

Several gentlemen, of ingenious invention, or extraordinary credulity, having amused a company by a successive detail of wondrous events, a shipmaster observed, "Gentlemen, these narratives which you have given are doubtless strange and unaccountable, but I can tell you a circumstance which occurred to myself, not less true, and still more incredible. Last year, coming home from the West Indies, and being on the banks of Newfoundland, my people hooked an immense shark. The monster made such resistance as they were hauling him up, that I was afraid he might break the rope and escape. I ran down to the cabin and fetched my pistols, which, for security's sake, I always keep loaded. As they had got his head to the surface of the water, I levelled a pistol to fire at him; but, just as I was going to pull the trigger, in a too eager anxiety, the pistol dropped from my hand, and, about the same moment, the shark, making a violent effort, broke the line and escaped. Well, gentlemen, being nearly on the same spot on my last homeward voyage, the crew again hooked a shark, which after much exertion, they were fortunate enough to get on board, and as, after cutting off the tail, (which you know, gentlemen, is the most powerful part of this fish) they were ripping up the belly, I was surprised to hear what appeared like the report of a pistol; but, judge my astonishment, when I found that this was the identical shark hooked on my former voyage; that my pistol had fallen into its mouth, and, from its voracity, been swallowed into its stomach, that it had there remained dormant, till the operation of cutting it up had, probably by contact of the chopper and the flint, made the piece go

off!"

A CAUTIOUS HINT.

Fontenelle lived to be nearly one hundred years old. A lady, of nearly equal age, said to him one day, in a large company," Monsieur, you and I stay here so long that I have a notion Death has forgotten us!" "Speak as softly as you can Madam," replied Fontenelle, "lest you should remind him of us."

IMPROMPTU, ON SEEING AN ACQUAINTANCE

A beggar in Dublin had been a lengt ing an old gouty, testy, limping gentien refused his mite with much irritability: 50 the mendicant said, Ah, please honour, I wish God had made your heart -as your toes."

SHAVING AND YOUNG.

A Barber in a borough-town, it seems, Had voted for Sir John, against St Ja Sir James, in angry mood, took Suds 2>* Don't you remember shaving me! be Five pieces for five minutes werk I eve And does not one good turn anotace Yea, quoth the barber, and his fingers grant the doctrine, and admit the e Sir John, on the same score, paid the s Bat took two shavings-and of cour

I

EXQUISITIVE SENSIBILI.

Two men of fashion meeting a beat! narrow way in Glasgow, her ear wa following observations-"I protest, E is as narrow as Balaam's passage" gow)—“Yes, (said his companien laam, I am stopped by an angel."—"& the lady) by the ass,'

THE ELDER BROTHER.

ntre in London noise, and London follies, Proud Covent-garden blooms in smoky glory; chairmen, coffee-rooms, piazzas, dollies, Cabbages, and comedians, fam'd in story! this gay spot (upon a sober plan)

it a right regular, and staid, young man : h did he early hours, and quiet, love; was entitled, Mr. Isaac Shove. orphan he: yet rich in expectations, hich nobody seem'd likely to supplanty that prodigious bore of all relations, fusty, canting, stiff-rump'd, maiden aunt; wealthy Miss Lucretia Cloghorty,

bad brought Isaac up, and own'd to forty! r, ca this maiden's will relied securely;

bo vow'd she ne'er would wed, to mar his riches; ften would she say, of man, demurely— can't abide the filthy things in breeches!"

i apartments up two pair of stairs;
the first floor lodged Dr. Crow;
ndlord was a torturer of hairs,

I made a grand display of wigs, below,
the beau's Brutus, to the parson's frizzle-
he door-way was his name; 'twas Twizzle.

Now, you must know,
This Dr. Crow

« of law, nor music, nor divinity;
was obstetric; but, the fact is,

- didn't in Lucina's turnpike practise; took by-roads-reducing ladies' shapes,

by had secur'd themselves from leading apes,"

4 the reputation of virginity.

la roomy tenement of brick,

d with walls, one mile from Hyde Park Corner:

and yews were planted round it thick zation was forlorner!

nh-tanding folks might scout it, qualmish spinsters, who fell sick,

not wish the world to know about it.

;

Here many a single gentlewoman came,
Pro tempore--full tender of her fame!
Who, for a while, took leave of friends in town-
"Business, forsooth, to Yorkshire call'd her down,
Too weighty to be settled by attorney!"

And, in a month or six weeks' time came back:
When ev'ry body cried-"Good lack!
How monstrous thin you've grown, upon your jour.
ney!"

The Doctor, knowing that a puff of scandal
Would blow his private trade to tatters,
Dreaded to give the smallest handle

To those who dabble in their neighbours' matters:
Therfore he wisely held it good,

To hide his practice from the neighbourhood-
And not appear there as a resident,
But merely one who casually went

To see the ladies in the large brick-house-
To lounge and chat-not minding time a souse----
Like one to whom all business was quite foreign
And thus, he visited his female sick;

Who lay as thick,

Within his tenement of brick,

As rabbits in a warren.

He lodged in Covent Garden all the while:
And, if they sent in haste for his assistance,
He soon was with them-'twas no mighty distance-
From the town's end, it was but bare a mile.

Now, Isaac Shove,

Living above

This Dr. Crow,

And knowing barber Twizzle liv'd below,
Thought it might be as well-

Hearing so many knocks, single and double

To buy, at his own cost, a street door bell, And save confusion in the house, and trouble! Whereby his (Isaac's) visitors might know,

Without long waiting in the dirt and drizzle, To ring for him at once, and not to knock for Crow, or Twizzle.

Besides, he now began to feel,

The want of it was rather ungenteel;

For he had often thought it a disgrace,

To hear, while sitting in his room above, Twizzle's shrill maid, in the first landing place, Screaming "A man below vants Mister Shove!"

The bell was bought : the wire was made to steal
Round the dark staircase, like a tortur'd eel,

Twisting and twining.

The jemmy handle Twizzle's door-post grac'd:
And, just beneath, a brazen plate was plac'd,
Lacquer'd, and shining-

Graven whereon, in characters full clear,
And legible, did "Mr. Shove" appear;
And furthermore, which you might read right well,
Was-"Please to ring the bell."

At half past ten, precisely, to a second,
Shove, every night, his supper ended;
And sipp'd his glass of negus till he reckon'd,

By his stop-watch, exactly one more quarter:
Then, as exactly, he untied one garter;
A token 'twas, that he for bed intended.
Yet, having still a quarter good before him,
He leisurely undress'd before the fire:
Contriving, as the quarter did expire,
To be as naked as his mother bore him-
Bating his shirt, and nightcap on his head.
Then as the watchman bawl'd eleven,

He had one foot in bed;

More certainly than cuckolds go to heav'n. Alas! what pity 'tis, that regularity, Like Isaac Shove's is such a rarity! But there are swilling wights in London town, Term'd Jolly Dogs-Choice Spirits-alias, Swine; Who pour, in midnight revel, bumpers down,

Making their throats a thoroughfare for wine.
These spendthrifts, who life's pleasure thus outrun-
Dozing with head-aches till the afternoon-
Lose half men's regular estate of sun,

By borrowing too largely of the moon.
One of this kidney-Toby Tosspot hight-
Was coming from the Bedford, late at night:

At length with near four bottles in his pate,
He saw the moon shining on Shove's brass plate-
When reading" Please to ring the bell;"

And being civil, beyond measure
"Ring it!" says Toby-" very well!

I'll ring it with a deal of pleasure." Toby, the kindest soul in all the town, Gave it a jerk-that almost jerk'd it down, He waited full two minutes, no one came :

He waited full two minutes more; and the Says Toby-" If he's deaf, I'm not to blame, I'll pull it for the gentleman again."

But the first peal woke Isaac, in a fright;
Who, quick as lightning popping up his bea
Sat on his head's antipodes, in bed-

Pale as a parsnip-bolt upright.
At length, he wisely, to himself did say
Calming his fears-

"Tush! 'tis some fool has rung, and ran away, When peal the second rattled in his ears.

Shove jump'd into the middle of the finer,

And trembling, at each breath of air ther He grop'd down stairs, and open'd the gr While Toby was performing peal the to Isaac eyed Toby fearfully askaunt,

And saw he was a strapper-stout and t.) Then put this question-"Pray, Sir, what do

Says Toby "I want nothing, Sir, at mil.^ "Want nothing, Sir?-you've pull'd my be

As if you'd jerk it off the wire!"* Quoth Toby-gravely making him a bow"I pull'd it, Sir, at your desire."

well!

High time for bed, Sir !-I was hast'ning to it;
ut, if you write up- Please to ring the bell,'
Common politeness makes me stop and do it."
Isaac, now waxing wroth apace,
Slamm'd the street door in Toby's face,
With all his might:

And Toby as he shut it, swore

He was a dirty son of-something more Than delicacy suffers me to writeJlifting up the knocker, gave a knock,

o long and loud, it might have rais'd the dead; zzle declares his house sustain'd a shock, nough to shake his lodgers out of bed. y, his rage thus vented in the rap, it serpentining home to take his nap. you know, Tis now high time to let That the obstetric Dr. Crow Awoke in the beginning of this matter, By Toby's tiutinnabulary clatterknowing that the bell belong'd to Shove, sten'd in his bed, but did not move : He only did apostrophizeSending to Hell,

Shove and his bell,

With an express from the Brick Tenement; Whom Barber Twizzle, torturer of hairs, Had civilly let in and sent up stairs.

As Shove came up, tho' he had long time kept
His character for patience very laudably—
He couldn't help, at ev'ry step he stepp'd,
Grunting and grumbling in his gizzard, audibly!
For Isaac's mental feelings, you must know,
Not only were considerably hurt;

But his corporeal also

Having no other clothing than a shirt;

A dress, beyond all doubt, most light and airy;
It being then a frost in January.

When Shove was deep down stairs the Doctor heard,
-Being much nearer the stair top

Just here and there a random word,
Of the soliloquy that Shove let drop.
But shortly by progression brought
To contact nearer,

The doctor, consequently, heard him clearer; And then the fag-end of this sentence caught Which Shove repeated warmly, tho' he shiver'd; "D-n Twizzle's house! and d-n the bell; And d-n the fool who it !-Well, rang From all such plagues I'll quickly be deliver'd." "What, quickly be deliver'd?" echoes Crow: Who is it ?--Come; be sharp-reply, reply! Who wants to be deliver'd? let me know?"-"

66

Recovering his surprise, Shove answer'd-"I?" "You be deliver'd," says the Doctor-" 'Sblood!" Hearing a man's gruff voice-" You lout, you lob! You be deliver'd !-Come, that's very good;" Says Shove-" I will, so help me Bob!" "Fellow!" cried Crow, "you're drunk with filthy

beer:

A drunkard, fellow, is a brute's next neighbour! But Miss Cloghorty's time was very near :

And, I suppose, Lucretia's now in labour." "Zounds!" bellows Shove-with rage, and wonder

wild!

"Why then my maiden aunt is big with child."