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“At mine !”—“Yes, yours:—I hope I've done it well ! High time for bed, Sir!—I was hast'ning to it; But, if you write up— Please to ring the bell,' Coinmon politeness makes me stop and do it.” Isaac, now waxing wroth apace, Slamm'd the street door in Toby's face, With all his might: And Toby as he shut it, swore He was a dirty son of-something more Than delicacy suffers me to write— And lifting up the knocker, gave a knock, So long and loud, it might have rais'd the dead; T*itale declares his house sustain’d a shock, Enough to shake his lodgers out of bed. Toby, his rage thus vented in the rap, went serpentining home to take his nap. 'Tis now high time to let you know, That the obstetric Dr. Crow A woke in the beginning of this matter, By Toby's tintinnabulary clatter— And knowing that the bell belong'd to Shove, !!e listen’d in his bed, but did not move: He only did apostrophize— Sending to Hell, Shove and his bell, That wouldn't let him close his eyes. * when he heard a thundring knock, says he— "That's certainly a messenger for me! Somebody ill in the brick house, no doubt.” Then mutter'd, hurrying on his dressing gown— “I wish my ladies, out of town, Close more convehient times for crying out !” Corw, in the dark, now reach'd the staircase head, *uve, in the dark, was coming up to bed. A combination of ideas flocking Upon the pericranium of Crow— Occasion'd by the hasty knocking, Succeeded by a foot he heard below— He did, as many folks are apt to do, who argue in the dark, and in confusion; ~~! to—fom the hypothesis he drew A false cauclusion:

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Whoe'er our stage examines, must excuse
The wondrous shifts of the dramatic Muse;
Then kindly listen, while the prologue rambles
From wit to beef, from Shakspeare to the shambles;
Divided only by one flight of stairs,
The actor swaggers, and the butcher swears
Quick the transition when the curtain drops,
From meek Monimia's moans, to mutton chops!
While for Lothario's loss Lavinia cries,
Qld women scold, and dealers d-n your eyes!
Here Juliet listens to the gentle lark,
There in harsh chorus hungry bull-dogs bark;
Cleavers and scimitars give blow for blow,
And heroes bleed above, and sheep below !
While magic thunders shake the pit and box,
Rebellows to the roar the stagg'ring ox.
"ow-horns and trumpets mix their martial tones,

PHILOSOPHER.

And form a tragi-comedy around.
With weeping lovers dying calves complain;
Confusion reigns—chaos is come again'
Hither your steelyards, butchers, bring, to weigh
The pound of flesh Antonio's blood must pay!
Hither your knives, ye Christiaus clad in blue,
Bring to be whetted by the worthless Jew.
Hard is our lot, who, seldom doom'd to eat,
Cast a sheep's-eye on this forbidden meat—
Gaze on sirloins, which, all ! we cannot carve,
And in the midst of beef, of mutton—starvel
But would ye to our house in crowds repair,
Ye gen'rous captains, and ye bloolaing fair,
The fate of Tantalus we should not fear,
Nor pine for a repast that is so near ;
Monarchs no more would supperless remain.
Nor hungry queens for cutlets long in vain.
W.A arov.
spr Aki No 1 N. Ti ME.
A buffoon at the court of Francis I. complaiar; w
the king that a great lord threatened to murde, or
for uttering some jokes about him. “If he de-
said Francis, “he shall be hanged in five tuiras
after.” “I wish,” replied the complainant, “to
majesty would hang him five minutes before.”

A Loxt, rex.T. A clergyman was once going to preseb o text of the Samaritan woman, and after rest,--, he said, “Do not wonder, my beloved, that or or is so long, for it is a woman that speaks.”

THE JEW BEGINNING Trip won Lt, Ac ar.

Two criminals, a Christian and a Jew,

Who'd been to honest feelings rather calless. Were on a platform once expos'd to view s

Or come, as some folks call it, to the sallows, Or, as of late a quainter phrase prevails To weigh their weight upon the city score. In dreadful form, the constables and stories

The priest, and ordinary, and crow a stressTill fix’d the moose, and o had takes leaves

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inevs and kings, mouthing and marrow-bones s od sighs hlank verse ...a bi-ca ...........

**- - ----------

Roy AL modest Y.

King Charles II. once asked Stillingfleet, why he always read his sermons before him, when he always o without book elsewhere. He told the ing, the sight of so great and wise a prince, made him afraid to trust himself: with which answer the king was very well contented. But pray,” says Stillingfleet, “will your majesty give me heave to ask you a question too? Why do you read your speeches to the parliament, when you have none of the same reasons?”—“Why truly, doctor,” said the king, “your question is a very pertinent one, and so will be my answer. I have asked them so often, and for so much, that I am ashamed to look them in the face.”

arquisites won as Epigram. One day in Chelsea meadows walking, ' Of poetry and such things talking, Says Ralph, a merry wag, “An epigram, if smart and good, In all its circumstances shou'd Be like a jelly bag.” “Your simile, I own, is new, But how wilt make it out?” says Hugh : Quoth Ralph, “I’ll tell thee, friend; Make it at top both wide and fit To hold a budget full of wit, And point it at the end.” Mistake N RESPECT. A lord mayor, waiting upon King Charles the 8econd, while in the park feeding the ducks, with his hat in his hand, the mayor desired he might not peak tili his majesty was covered:—“Phoo, phoo!” says the king; “you may go on very safely, 'tis to the ducks I pull my hat off.” ro-d AY AND to-Mort now. To-day man's drest in gold and silver bright, "Wrapp'd in a shroud before to-morrow night To-day he's feeding on delicious food, To-morrow dead, unable to do good: To-day he's nice, and scorns to seed on crumbs Ix-morrow he's himself a dish for worms: rt

To-day he's honour'd and in vast esteem, To-morrow not a beggar values him: To day he rises from the velvet bed, To-morrow lies on one that's made of lead : To-day his house, tho' large, he thinks but small,' To-morrow no command, no house at all : To-day has forty servants at his gate, To-morrow scorn'd, not one of them will wait: To-day perfum’d as sweet as any rose, To-morrow stinks in ev'ry body's nose. To-day he's grand, majestic, all delight, Ghastful and pale before to-morrow night: True, as the scripture says, “man's life's a span;” The present moment is the life of man!

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AdvantAGES OF UGLINESS.

In the reign of Lewis XIV. a gentleman, who had uffered by the law's delay, was promised speedy jusice by a nobleman, who brought the gentleman to Versailles, to present him to his majesty. The reluest o granted by the king, his majesty asked he peer what connection he had with the man whose nterest he had so warmly espoused. “Not any,” re»lied he ; “indecd, so far from it, that I never saw him in my life till the other day.” “What!” o he king, “ had you never seen him before? How, hen, could you be under that obligation to him which ou talk of 3 “O, sire!” exclaimed the nobleman, “has lot your majesty perceived that, till he was brought orward, I was supposed to have been the ugliest man in your dominions 2 The exception he has enbled me to make is surely a very great obligation.”

THE Doctor AND CAPTAIN, A TALE FROM BATH. In Bladud's city, place of vast renown, Where, in the season, wealthy cits from town Escort their wives and pretty daughters, To make a dash, To cut a splash, To dance, to play at cards, and drink the waters— A strife arose 'twixt men of high condition, A captain this, and that a grave physician. One morn, the hero of the scarlet coat, Upon the doctor's gate, with pencil, wrote

‘Scoundrel " in letters clear and plain :
The doctor saw : amaz'd he stood,
He long'd to let the captain blood:
And, waxing wroth, he grasp'd his gold-topp'd cane,
Then sallied forth, and, after various dodgings,
At length he found the noble captain's lodgings;
There, in politeness to be conquer'd, scorning,
He told the servant, with an arch regard,
Give to your master doctor Pestle's card,
For at my gate he left his NAME this morning.”

ETYMologY AND LAW.

Shortly after Lord Eldin, the Scotch judge, assumed is seat on the bench as a judge, a gentleman re

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Father M'Tutor'em, of the parish of O'Prosody, in the county of Decemus, sits himself down the monarch of a shed, to teach the little puny whipsters the Christ-Cross-row, so as to make the most lasting impression. He has all the little fry for five miles round, whose fathers can afford to give five coppers a week for their education. 1 here was little Dermot, little Phelim, Terence M'Bouderoch, and Paddy O'Drogheda, &c. &c. Father M'Tutor'em called in this manner upon the list new comer, who, be it known, knew as much of the phalet as he did of the longitude. “You little O'Shaughnossy, come hither with yoursell. Bring your primer in your paw, and your cooers in your fist. Blow your nose, and hold up vour head like a man. Arrah! don't be hunting atter the flies across the ceiling; but cock your eye and look straight at your book, that you may shoot every letter flying. “You see that letter that looks for all the world like the gable of your father's cabin, with a beam across the middle of it; that is called A–agusee A ; and that letter, the next door neighbour, is namesake to the little gentleman that sucks the flowers, fills the toey pots, and carries a damned long sting in his to ; that is Mr. B. and B stands for Blubber!:p. Arrah now, what makes you pout out your lip so 1-2 on the selvage of your mouth, blow your nose, and hold up your head like a man. The next is, for to the world, like the sign of the half-moon, where July Mac Glutherv scils whiskey; and that is called C. and sands for Cobbler, or Cobblers. Aud you see the test, that is for all the world like the broken hanare of a pair of snuffers ; and that is called 1), and D *a*s for Daughter; agusee Cobbler's Daughter; -: *-*, Biobberlip Cobbler's Daughter, And that ***t is callel E, which the English fiats, bodderation to cm, rall E. E., as if there were two of them. By * consciencz. they might as well say cheek hand

your nose once more. And that next you see, that's like a gibbet, with a little plug half way up, for the hangman to put his foot on. Heaven bless . my dear, and keep your mother's child from the ike of it, my jewel. That is called F; and F stands for five. Arrah, now, and what's the next to F 1'.' “I don't know.” “Arrah, now, why don't you know?” “Because I can't tell.” “Now you do know and you can tell. Arrah! what does the carman say, when he wants his horses to go faster " “Gee.” “To be sure; and that's the letter G. And if any body should ask you which of your hands goes barcfoot for want of a glove, you may say H, which is the same as both ; and H stands for horse, or horses, and 1 stands for jockies. Now, my little fellow, agusee Blubberlip Cobbler's daughter eat up five gingerbread horse-jockies, boots, spurs, whips, buckskin breeches and all. Mercy on us! what a devil of a twist! “Now I've taught you one third of your lesson, and I'll teach you the other two halves when you have knocked that under the scull-cap. And then, my jewel, I'll tell you how to spell. Arrah, but spelling is reading itself, my dear honey; for instance now, in the word Constantinople, which, I believe, if my recollection don't fail me, is that great city, my dear, of which Turkey is the metropolis, where Grand Turks keep a whole regiment of Janissaries, who, mercy on us, are devils of fellows at a March. But you'll know more of these things by and by, when you read ilistory, my little fellow. You'll find also, if the Turks have their Januaries, the Romans had their Decembers, and their July Caesars. But now to spell the word Constantinople, my dear. C, O, N, Con, that's the Con; S, T, A, N, stan, —that's the stan, an the Constan : T, I, ti, that's the ti, and the stanti, and the Constanti : N, O, no—that's the mo, and the tino, and the stantino, and the Constantino, P, L, E,--that's the ple,

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and nople, and the tinople, and the stantinople, and the Constantinople. Now run home with yourself,

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