WOMAN'S WISDOM. One of the Cecil family, minister to Scotland from England, was speaking to Mary, queen of Scots, of the wisdom of his sovereign, queen Elizabeth. Mary stopped him short by saying," Pray, Sir, don't talk to me of the wisdom of a woman; I think I know my own sex pretty well, and can assure you, that the wisest of us all is only a little less a fool than the others." THE ROYAL LIBRARIAN. George III., shortly after his accession to the throne, walking one morning into his library, found one of the under librarians asleep in a chair. He stepped up softly to him, and gave him a slight slap on the cheek; the sleeper clapt his hand on the place instantly, and, with his eyes still closed, taking the disturber of his nap for his fellow librarian, whose name was George, exclaimed, "Hang it, George, let me alone, you are always doing one foolish trick or another." PROLOGUE, FOR A COMPANY OF COMEDIANS, WHO PERFORMED AT WINCHESTER OVER A BUTCHER'S SHAMBLES. Whoe'er our stage examines, must excuse The actor swaggers, and the butcher swears! And form a tragi-comedy around. Hard is our lot, who, seldom doom'd to eat, Cast a sheep's-eye on this forbidden meat— Gaze on sirloins, which, ah! we cannot carve, And in the midst of beef, of mutton-starve! But would ye to our house in crowds repait, Ye gen'rous captains, and ye blooming fair, The fate of Tantalus we should not fear, Nor pine for a repast that is so near; Monarchs no more would supperless remain, Nor hungry queens for cutlets long in vain. SPEAKING IN TIME. WARTOS A buffoon at the court of Francis I. complaise the king that a great lord threatened to murder for uttering some jokes about him. "If he co said Francis," he shall be hanged in five ma after." "I wish," replied the complainant, majesty would hang him five minutes before." A LONG TEXT. A clergyman was once going to preach up text of the Samaritan woman, and after reali he said, "Do not wonder, my beloved, that is so long, for it is a woman that speaks." THE JEW BEGINNING THE WORLD AGAIN. Two criminals, a Christian and a Jew, Who'd been to honest feelings rather callous, Were on a platform once expos'd to view; Or come, as some folks call it, to the gallows Or, as of late a quainter phrase prevails, To weigh their weight upon the city scales, In dreadful form, the constables and shrieve, The priest, and ordinary, and crowd attend Till fix'd the noose, and all had taken leave; When the poor trembling Israelite, befriends THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. feard, by express, from officer of state, gracious pardon quite reverse his fate. iumov'd he seem'd, and to the spot close sticking, Ne'er offers, thro' he's bid, to quit the place, ill in the air the other fellow's kicking; The sheriff thought that some peculiar grace, me Hebrew form of silent, deep devotion, id for a while depriv'd him of his motion. 1 by the sheriff being ask'd aloud, Why not with proper officer he went? answer'd thus, (surprising all the crowd,) With eyes upon the dying Christian bent," only wait awhile pefore I coes, Mister Catch to puy te tead man's clo'es." FASHIONABLE ROUTS How strange it is," said a lady, "that fashionable es should be called routs! Why rout formerly hed the defeat of an army, and when the soldiers all put to flight or to the sword, they were said routed." This title has some propriety too," A clergyman, “for at these meetings whole ies are frequently routed out of house and home." AVOIDING A DUN. Jentleman, who was examined as a witness by reason THE WATER-FIENDS. Chi moor, all brown and bleak, e broods the heath-frequenting grouse, load a tenement antique, Hoppergollop's country house. ace reign'd, with lips of glue, the owl cried, "Whoo! whoo! whoo!" "Caw! caw! caw!" ⚫oarse crow croak'd, Neglected mansion!-for 'tis said, Whene'er the snow came feath'ring down, Swift whirl the wheels-He's gone-A rose Maid of the moor, thy charms demand; If skinn'd by Molly Dumpling's hand. Long had the fair one sat alone, Had none remain'd save only she ;She by herself had been-if one Had not been left, for company. 'Twas a tall youth, whose cheek's clear hue To scare the sparrows from the fruit." Follow'd his step; where'er he wheels A bob-tail cur is at his heels. Are found in ev'ry bob-tail cur. Hard toil'd the youth, so fresh and strong, And mark his master troll the song 6 "Sweet Molly Dumpling! Oh, thou cook!" For thus he sung; while Cupid smil'd- True love ne'er tints the cheek with shame : Though pure as heaven's own snowy flake; Both lov'd: and though a gard'ner he, He knew not what it was to rake. The lovely Molly Dumpling sat: Much did she fear, and much admire What Thomas Gard'ner could be at. List'ning, her hand supports her chin; And never, never comes to pass! To call her Thomas from his toil; Opes the huge door; the hinges creakBecause-the hinges wanted oil. Thrice, on the threshold of the hall, She "Thomas !" cried, with many a sob; And dogs that hear when they are dead, Back through the hall she bent her way; Though a large mould of four to th' pound. More strong and strong her terrors rose: It look'd so long against the wall. All nature now appear'd to pause; And "o'er one half the world seem'd dad No "curtain'd sleep" had she-because She had no curtains to her bed. List'ning she lay;-with iron din The clock struck twelve; the door flew When Thomas grimly glided in, With little Bob-tail by his side. Tall, like the poplar, was his size; Pale, pale, as turnips were his cheeks! The fear-struck damsel faintly said, "What would my Thomas?" he replied, "Oh! Molly Dumpling! I am dead. "All in the flower of youth I fell, Cut off with health's full blossom crow I was not ill-but in a well I tumbled backwards, and was drown's. THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. "Four fathom deep thy fove doth lie; His faithful dog his fate doth share; We're fiends-this is not he and I; We are not here,-for we are there. "Yes; two foul water-fiends are we; Maid of the moor, attend us now! Thy hour's at hand-we come for thee!" The little fiend-cur said, "bow, wow!" To wind her in her cold, cold grave, A Holland sheet a maiden likes; sheet of water thou shalt have; Such sheets there are in Holland dykes." te fiends approach; the maid did shrink; Swift through the night's foul air they spin; ey took her to the green well's brink, And, with a souce, they plump'd her in. true the fair, so true the youth, Maids, to this day, their story tell: hence the proverb rose, that Truth Her in the buttom of a well. THE HOLY TAILOR AND DEAN SWIFT. | calculate the extent of such a stride; but I know it immediately lies in the line of your trade to tell me, how many yards of cloth would make a pair of breeches for that angel." COPPER AND BRASS. Counsellor Dunning thinking to embarrass a witness having a Bardolphian nose, began with, "Now you, Mr. with the copper nose, now you are sworn, what have you to say!". "Why, by the oath I have sworn, replied he, "I would not exchange my copper nose for your brazen face." CROSS READINGS IN VERSE. Every line in this piece is taken from standard poeti- COLMAN. With Scythians expert in darts and bows- tailor, grown tired of his shop-board, took a bold from his seat to the pulpit, and soon acquired popularity. Elated with the success, he atled the conversion of Dean Swift to the true On being admitted to the dean, he thus anbed his purpose: "I am come," said he, "by of the Lord, to open your eyes, to enlighten your , and to teach you the proper application of "Indeed, which you have so long abused.' od friend," replied the dean, who knew the I am inclined to believe that you are combed by Heaven, as you come so critically to very the perplexed state of my mind at this The tailor already exulted in the cer"You are well acquainted, no continued Swift," with that passage in the apter of the Revelation of St. John, where kes a mighty angel coming down from hea of success. a rainbow on his head, a book open in his nd setting his right foot on the sea, and his on the earth. I am quite at a loss how to On spacious wings with sundry colours dight. By much too wise to walk into a well. On some fond breast the parting soul relies-- For thunder mars small beer and weak discourse-And hurls the vengeance of the laws on gin To prove, like Hudibras, a man's no horse. But now the clouds in airy tumult fly Their teeth will be no whiter than before- In shape no bigger than an agate stone- O'er the dark trees a yellower verdure shed. With head advanc'd, and pinions stretch'd for flight. Ah! think, thou favour'd of the powers divine- And pierce aloft in air the soaring swan. Friendship! mysterious cement of the soul !Arm'd with a pudding that might please a dean Scours wild along, disdaining all controul And murders fops by whom she ne'er was seen. So when a lion shakes his dreadful mane From low St. James's up to high St. PaulThose stars that grace the wide celestial plainFor very want can never build a wall.' ALL AT ONCE. A Greek and a Venetian held a dispute on the advantages of their respective countries, during which the Greek did not fail to quote the numerous which his country had produced of old. "True" answered the Venetian, you formerly had so ma which accounts for your not having one left." THE SLEEPY CHANCELLOR. A wit at Cambridge, in the reign of James 1, 7 ordered to preach at St. Mary's, before the vict cellor and the heads of the university. He tar had observed the drowsiness of the vice-cha and took this piece of scripture for his text, cannot ye watch one hour? At every divar concluded with his text, which, as the vice-ca lor sat near the pulpit, often awaked him. Tha the talk of the whole university, and so nettle vice-chancellor, that he complained to the a of Canterbury, who sent for this scholar to Le defend himself against the crime laid to ba when he gave so many proofs of his est dinary wit, that the archbishop enjoined preach before king James; after some ex** condescended, and coming into the pulpet, James the First and the Sixth, waver Rot the first king of England, and the sixth of S at first the king was somewhat amazed at but in the end was so well pleased with the that he made him one of the chaplains n After this advancement, the archbishops down to Cambridge to make his recantat vice-chancellor, and to take leave of the un which he accordingly did, and took the latter the verse of his former text, Sleep on now, your rest. Concluding his sermon, he apology to the vice-chancellor, saying, said before (which gave offence) what, or watch one hour? I say now, Sleep on, cad tit rest, and so left the university. CHOICE POETRY. A very indifferent poet having read to what he deemed the choice parts of a pre poem, inquired "Which were the passage St approved ?" "Those which you have not y replied the other. |