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ADVANTAGES OF UGLINESS.
marked to him, that his title would be very apt to be In the reign of Lewis XIV. a gentleman, who had confounded with that of the Lord Chancellor. To uffered by the law's delay, was promised speedy jus. this observation Lord Eldin answered, " The diğerace by a nobleman, who brought the gentleman to ence between his Lordship and me is all my eye. Jersailles, to present him to his majesty. The reuest being granted by the king, his majesty asked he peer what connection he had with the man whose With bridal cake beneath her head, terest he had so warmly espoused. “ Not any,” re- As Jenny prest her pillow, lied he ; " indeed, so far from it, that I never saw She dreamt that lovers, thick as hops, im in my life till the other day.” ." “ What!” replied
Hung pendent from the willow. ne king, “ had you never seen him before? How, Around her ctres shook their chains, nen, could you be under that obligation to him which
And goblins kept their station ; ou talk of? “O, sire !” exclaimed the nobleman,“ has
They pull'd, they pinch'd her, till she swore ot your majesty perceived that, till he was brought
To spare the male creation. orward, I was supposed to have been the ugliest
Before her now the buck, the beat, an in your dominions ? The exception he has enBled me to make is surely a very great obligation.”
The 'squire, the captain trips;
The modest seiz'd her hand to kiss, THE DOCTOR AND CAPTAIN, A TALE FROM BATH,
The forward seiz'd her lips. In Bladud's city, place of vast renown,
For some she felt her bosom pant, Where, in the season, wealthy cits from town
For some she felt it smart;
To all she gave enchanting smiles,
To one she gave her heart.
She dreamt-(for magic charms prevaila,
And fancy play'd her farce on) strife arose 'twixt men of high condition,
That, soft reclin'd in elbow chair, - captain this, and that a grave physician.
She kiss'd a sleeping parson.
She dreamt-but O, rash muse! forbear,
Nor virgin's dreams pursue ; Scoundrel !" in letters clear and plain :
Yet blest above the gods is he, The doctor saw : amaz'd he stood,
Who proves such visions true. He long'd to let the captain blood : nd, waxing wroth, he grasp'd his gold-topp'd cane,
ADVERTISEMENT. hen sallied forth, and, after various dodgings, -t length he found the noble captain's lodgings;
A Margate advertisement, by an ass-lender, whose
donkies There, in politeness to be conquer’d, scorning,
are alternately employed by ladies and smus le told the servant, with an arch regard,
Asses here to be let; for all purposes night, Give to your master doctor Pestle's card,
To bear angels by day, and spirits by night. For at my gate he left HIS NAME this morning."
ETYMOLOGY AND LAW.
Shortly after Lord Eldin, the Scotch judge, assumed is seat on the bench as a judge, a gentleman re
There liv’d, as fame reports, in days of yore,
A pleasant wight, on town yclep'd Tom King; After some time, a little Frenchman came A fellow that was clever at a joke;
One hand display'd a rushlight's trembling flame, Expert in all the arts to tease and smoke ;
The other held a thing they call culotte; la short, for strokes of humour quite the thing. An old strip'd woollen nightcap grac'd his head, To many a jovial club this King was known,
A tatter'd waistcoat o'er one shoulder spread With whom his active wit unrivallid shone :
Scarce half awake, be heav'd a yawning note. Choice spirit, grave free-mason, buck and blood, Tho' thus untimely rous'd, he courteous smild, Would crowd his stories and bon-mots to hear ; And soon address'd our wag in accents mild, And none a disappointment e'er could fear,
Bending his head politely to his kneeHis humour flow'd in such a copious flood. “Pray, Sare, vat vant you, dat you come so late? To himn a frolic was a high delight;
I beg your pardon, Sare, to make you vait : A frolic he would hunt for day and night,
Pray, tell me, Sare, vat your commands vid me! Careless how prudence on the sport might frown: “ Sir," replied King, “ I merely thought to know, If e'er a pleasant mischief sprung to view,
As by your house, I chanc'd to-night to go, At once o'er hedge and ditch away he flew;
But really I disturb'd your sleep, I fear! Nor left the game till he had run it down. I say, I thought that you, perhaps, could tell,
Among the folks who in this street may dwell, One night our hero, rambling with a friend,
If there's a Mr. Thomson lodges here!"
The shiv'ring Frenchman, tho' not pleas'd to find Twas silence all around, and clear the coast;
The business of this unimportant kind, de watch, as usual, dozing on his post ;
Too simple to suspect 'twas meant in jeer, And scarce a lamp display'd a twinkling light.
Shrugg'd out a sigh, that thus his rest should break;
Then, with unalter'd courtesy he spakeLaund this place there liv'd the num'rous clans No, Sare; no Monsieur Tonson lodges here." V hoaest, plodding, foreign artizans, Known at that time by name of Refugees :
Our wag begg'd pardon, and tow'rds home he sped, the rod of persecution, from their home
While the poor Frenchman crawld again to bed ;
But King resolv'd not thus to drop the jest: impellid the inoffensive race to roam;
So, the next night, with more of whim than grace, And here they lighted like a swarm of bees.
Again he made a visit to the place, ll! our two friends were saunt'ring through the To break once more the poor old Frenchman's rest. street,
He knock'd—but waited longer than before ; hopes some food for humour soon to meet ; When, in a window near, a light they view,
No footstep seem'd approaching to the door :
Our Frenchman lay in such a sleep profound. though a dim and melancholy ray, ere'd ike prologue to some merry play;
King with the kuocker thunder'd then again,
Firm on his post determin'd to remain ; is tow'rds the gloomy dome our hero drew,
And oft, indeed, he made the door resound. ught at the door he gave a thund'ring knock- At last King hears bim o'er the passage creep, une we may suppose near two o'clock.
Wond'ring what fiend again disturb'd his sleep, 1'0 ask," says King, “if Thomson lodges here." The wag salutes him with a civil leer; homson !" cries t'other, “who the devil's he ?"
Thus drawling out, to heighten the surprise, know not," King replies ; " but want to see While the poor Frenchman rubb'd his heavy eyes What kind of animal will now appear."
“ Is there-a Mr. Thomson lodges here ?"
On some fond breast the parting soul relies- the Greek did not fail to quote the numerous saces
Brushing with hasty steps the dews away-. which his country had produced of old. " True," With waddling gait, and voice like London cries answered the Venetian, - you formerly had so many,
Nor stops for one bad cork his butler's pay. which accounts for your not having one left." Full many a flower is born to blush unseen
THE SLEEPY CHANCELLOR. For thunder mars small beer and weak discourse.
A wit at Cambridge, in the reign of James I., was And hurls the vengeance of the laws on gin
ordered to preach at St. Mary's, before the vice-chasTo prove, like Hudibias, a man's no horse.
cellor and the heads of the university. He formerin But now the clouds in airy tumult fly
had observed the drowsiness of the vice-chancellar, Their teeth will be no whiter than before
and took this piece of scripture for his text, Whall, While England lives, their fame can never die cannot ye watch one hour. At every division, le For still new harlequins remain in store.
concluded with his text, which, as the vice-chance Forth with the huge portcullis high updrew lor sat near the pulpit, often awaked him. This ! In shape no bigger than an agate stone
the talk of the whole university, and so nettled in Whose feet came wand'ring o'er the nightly dew vice-chancellor, that he complained to the ashtu
And boldly fought to save the British throne. of Canterbury, who sent for this scholar to Loodab Th’ applause of list’ning senates to command
defend himself against the crime laid to his chara
when he gave so Let me extol a cat on oysters fed
many proofs of his etiam His wig all powder, and all suuff his band
dinary wit, that the archbishop enjoined ktm ** O'er the dark trees a yellower verdure shed.
preach before king James; after some excuses bo
condescended, and coming into the palpit, beras Now Night in vestments rob’d of deepest dye Janes the First and the Sirth, warer not--Dead
With new-born Day had gladden'à mortal sight-- the first king of England, and the sixth of ScotlandTo whom Ulysses with a pleasing eye
at first the king was somewhat amazed at the tert. With head advanc'd, and pinions stretch'd for but in the end was so well pleased with the spray, figlit.
that he made him one of the chaplains in ordinary Ah! think, thou favour'd of the powers divine After this advancement, the archbishop seat i? On the forefinger of an alderman
down to Cambridge to make his recantation to the To grace thy manes, and adorn thy shrine vice-chancellor, and to take leave of the universe,
And pierce aloft in air the soaring swan. which he accordingly did, and took the latter parts Friendship! mysterious cement of the soul ! the verse of his former text, Sleep on now, eas e
Arm’d with a pudding that might please a dean your rest. Concluding his sermon, he made k» Scours wild along, disdaining all controul
apology to the vice-chancellor, saying, And murders fops by whom she ne'er was seen.
said before (wbich gave offence) what, or y** So when a lion shakes his dreadful mane
watch one hour ? I say now, Sleep on, and take you From low St. James's up to high St. Paul
rest, and so left the university. Those stars that grace the wide celestial plainFor very want can never build a wall.
A very indifferent poet having read to a friend
what he deemed the choice parts of a pretty ALL AT ONCE.
poem, inquired “Which were the passages be A Greek and a Venetian held a dispute on the ad-approved ?" “ Those which you have got yes Feb. vantages of their respective countries, during which replied the other.
AN EYE TO BUSINESS
THE PILGRIMS AND THE PEAS.
“ How now !" the light-toed, whitewash'd, pilgrim
broke, A surveyor of raxes for the ward of Chester in the county of Durham, whose income is derivable from Od's curse it!” cried the t'other, “'tis no joke~
“ You lazy lubber!" surcharges, requested a friend to furnisli-him with a raotto for a seal. The latter recommended him to
My feet, once hard as any rock, take the last words of Marmion, “ Charge, Chester,
Are now as soft as blubber, charge."
Excuse me, Virgin Mary, that I swear ;
For d-me if I ha'nt lost every toe,
But, brother sinner, do explain 11bo at Loretto dwelt, in wax, stone, wood,
How 'tis that you are not in pain; And, in a curl'd white wig, !ook'd wondrous sine. What power hath work'd a wonder for your toes?
Whilst I, just like a snail, am crawling, Fifty long miles had these sad rogues to travel, Now swearing, now on saints devoutly bawling, With something in their shoes much worse than Whilst not a rascal comes to ease my woes. ? gravel:
How is't that you can like a greyhound go, Ia short, their toes, so gentle to amuse,
As merty, as if rought had happen'd, burn ye!' "Rue priest had order'd peas into their shoes.
Why," cry'd the other, grinning, “ you must kaow, nostrum famous in old Popish times
That just before I ventur'd on my journey, t'or purifying souls that stunk with crimes,
To walk a little more at ease, A sort of apostolic salt,
I took the liberty to boil my peas." P. Pindar. That Popish parsons for its powers exalt, For keeping souls of sinners sweet,
An Irishman was once brought up before a magisTust as our kitchen salt keeps meat.
trate, charged with marrying six wives.
The magisre knaves set off on the same day,
trate asked him how he could be so hardened a pras in their shoes, to go and pray,
villain ? Please your Worship, (says Paddy) I was Dut very different was their speed, I wot:
trying to get u good one. Pne of the sinners gallop'd on, cht as a bullet from a gun,
Henderson the actor was seldom known to be in The other limp'd as if he had been shot.
a passion. When at Oxford he was one day debating He saw the vizgin, soon peccuvi cry'd
with a fellow-student, who, not keeping his temper, Had his soul whitewash'd all so clever :
threw a glass of wine in his face. Mr. Henderson then home again he nimbly hied,
took out his handkerchief, wiped his face, and coolly Made fit with saints above to live for ever. said, " That, Sir, was a digression ; now for the arcuring back, however, let me say,
guinent." Thet huis brother rogue about half obbling with out-stretch'd bum and bending knees, Frank Haman, once a brother of the brush, mining the souls and bodies of the peas :
Had talents much distinguish'd in his day; laves in tears, his cheeks and brow in sweat, But for his art he hardly car'd a rush,
A COOL RETORT.
This wag was deem'd by all the social tribe The sight of this refreshing place,
The scent that hails him from the door,
Arrest at once his rambling paceAnd sometimes in his cups a little mellow.
As they had often done before. He, being tempted by a pleasant day,
Mine host, with accents that were wond'rous kind, After a long contention with the gout,
Invites him in, a jolly crew to join;
The man the geu'rous courtesy declin'd,
Merely, perhaps, for want of thirst-or coin. A drunken porter pass'd him with a hare. Straight on a bench without, he stretched along,
Regardless of the passing throng. The hare was o'er his shoulder flung,
And soon his weary eyelids close,
While Somnus soothes him to repose.
The hare now prostrate at his back,
This was the time to get a snack. As if each moment taking flight.
The dog, unable longer to refrain,
Gaz'd at the hare, A dog, who saw the man's condition,
Who caus'd his care, A lean and hungry politician,
Jumpt and bit, jumpt and bit, jumpt and bit, et On the look-out, was lurking close behind;
bit again. A sly and subtle chap, Of most sagacious swell,
At length, when he had clear'd away the rest, Like politicians of a higher kind,
The sated spoiler finish'd on the breast,
Then having made a hearty meal,
He carelessly turn'd ou his heel, The porter stagger'd on, the dog kept near,
Nor thought of asking " What's to pay?" Watching the lucky minute for a bite,
But scamper'd at his ease away; Now made a spring, and then drew back with fear, Perhaps to find some four-foot fair, While Haman follow'd, titt'ring at the sight.
And tell the story of the hare. Great was the contrast 'twixt the man and dog ;
And here some sage, with moral spleen, may sr, The one a negligent and stupid lout,
• This Haman should have drivin the dag anay That seem'd to know not what he was about;
Th' effects of vice the blameless should not bezr. The other keen, observant, all agog.
And folks that are not drunkards lose their Nor need it wonderment excite, I ween,
All this we grant is very true That Haman clos'd the train to mark the scene, But in this giddy world how few Thro' many a street our tipsy porter reels,
To virtue's beights sublimely move, Then stops--as if to solemn thoughts inclin'd Relinquishing the things they love. The watchful dog was ready at his heels,
Not so unfashionally good, And Haman hobbled on not far behind.
Our waggish painter laughing stood, Then rolling on again, the man survey'd
In hopes more sport to find One of those happy mansions, where
Dispos'd to keep in view
his garae, A cordial drop imparts its cheering aid
And with th' ambitious Thane exclaim, To all the thirsty sons of care.
" The greatest is behind."