- denouement must needs be droll, were folly not to see the whole." suming thus the future pleasure, man kept post, to wait the sleeper's leisure. At length our porter's slumbers o'er And made a stand. Haman drew near with eager mien, Bow we need but mention one thing more, Haman found the hare was sent to him. RATES OF CONSCIENCE. believes at the rate of seven thousand a year, and I only at that of fifty." THE NEWCASTLE APOTHECARY. A man, in many a country town, we know, Arm'd with a mortar and a pestle. Or mix a draught, or bleed, or blister, Or give a glister. Of occupations, these were quantum suff., He made amends by bringing others into't, His fame full six miles round the country ran: In short, in reputation he was solus; All the old women called him "a fine man!" His name was Bolus. Benjamin Bolus, though in trade, (Which oftentimes will genius fetter); Bergyman was so much averse to the Athana- And cultivated the Belles Lettres. Bolus lov'd verse, and took so much delight in't, That his prescriptions he resolv'd to write in't. No opportunity he e'er let pass Of writing the directions on his labels, Some three miles from the town, it might be four, He wrote verse; Which one would think was clear enough, And terse: "When taken, To be well shaken." Next morning, early, Bolus rose, Who a vile trick of stumbling had : For what's expected from a horse, Are giv'n by gentlemen who teach to dance, One loud, and then a little one behind, Out of their fingers. The servant lets him in with dismal face, Portending some disaster; 'Well, how's the patient?" Bolus said: John shook his head." "Indeed!--hum!-ha!—that's very odd! "He took the draught!" John gave a nod. Well, how ?-what then? speak out you dunce." "Why then," says John, "we shook him once." "Shook him! how!" Bolus stammered out: "We jolted him about” "Zounds! shake a patient, man,-a shake won't du" "No, Sir, and so we gave him two." "Two shakes!-odds curse! ""Twould make the patient worse." "It did so, Sir, and so a third we tried." "Well, and what then?"-" Then, Sir, my mas died." HORSE AND ASS. COLMAN A jocky lord met his old college tutor at a horse fair. "Ah! doctor," exclaimed the p "what brings you here among these high-bred ca Do you think you can distinguish a horse from ass "My lord," replied the tutor, ceived you among these horses." THE COUNTRYMAN AND THE RAZOR SELLI A fellow in a market town, Most musical cried razors up and down, As ev'ry man would buy, with cash and sense No matter if the fellow be a knave, It certainly will be a monstrous prize.” So home the clown with his good fortune» And quickly soap'd himself to ears and ere THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. Being well lather'd from a dish or tub, Hodge now began, with grinning pain, to grub, Just like a hedger cutting furze : 'Twas a vile razor!-then the rest he try'dAll were impostors-"Ah!" Hodge sigh'd, "I wish my eighteen-peace within my purse." In vain to chase his beard, and bring the graces, He cut, and dug, and winc'd, and stamp'd, and swore, Brought blood, and danc'd, blasphem'd, and made wry faces, And curs'd each razor's body o'er and o'er. His muzzle, form'd of opposition stuff, Firm as a Foxite, would not lose it's ruff, So kept it-laughing at the steel and suds. Hodge in a passion stretch'd his angry jaws, Vowing the direst vengeance, with clench'd claws, On the vile cheat that sold the goods. Razors!-a vile, confounded dogNot fit to scrape a hog!" Hodge sought the fellow-found him-and begun, Surrah! I tell you you're a knave, "Friend," quoth the razor man, "I'm not a knave: That they would shave." " 349 Idish containing the fowls, which she pronounced FOOLS. I presume, madam, you mean fowls," said Mr. R. very pompously:-"Very well, be it so," said the lady, "take away the fowls, but let the FOOL remain !" GARRULITY OF WOMEN. Some philosophers maintain that speech is the criterion of reason. Parrots and other birds speak; are they then rational? Women we know are rational, but would they be less so if they spoke less? MY LANDLADY'S NOSE. O'er the evils of life 'tis a folly to fret, "Not think they'd shave?" quoth Hodge, with Would roar down in streams from my landlady's nose. wond'ring eyes, And voice not much unlike an Indian yell, What were they made for then, you dog?" he cries: "Made!" quoth the fellow, with a smile-" to sell." FOWLS AND FOOLS. P. PINDAR. A clergyman of Edinburgh dining with a friend, the lady of the house desired the servant to take away the But, Gods! when this trunk with an uplifted arm, crows, To the loud-thund'ring twang of my landlady's nose. WOMAN'S WISDOM. One of the Cecil family, minister to Scotland from England, was speaking to Mary, queen of Scots, of the wisdom of his sovereign, queen Elizabeth. Mary stopped him short by saying," Pray, Sir, don't talk to me of the wisdom of a woman; I think I know my own sex pretty well, and can assure you, that the wisest of us all is only a little less a fool than the others." THE ROYAL LIBRARIAN. George III., shortly after his accession to the throne, walking one morning into his library, found one of the under librarians asleep in a chair. He stepped up softly to him, and gave him a slight slap on the cheek; the sleeper clapt his hand on the place instantly, and, with his eyes still closed, taking the disturber of his nap for his fellow librarian, whose name was George, exclaimed, " Hang it, George, let me alone, you are always doing one foolish trick or another." PROLOGUE, FOR A COMPANY OF COMEDIANS, WHO PERFORMED AT WINCHESTER OVER A BUTCHER'S SHAMBLES. Whoe'er our stage examines, must excuse The actor swaggers, and the butcher swears! And form a tragi-comedy around. Hard is our lot, who, seldom doom'd to eat, But would ye to our house in crowds repair, Ye gen'rous captains, and ye blooming fair, The fate of Tantalus we should not fear, Nor pine for a repast that is so near; Monarchs no more would supperless remain, Nor hungry queens for cutlets long in vain. WARTON. SPEAKING IN TIME. A buffoon at the court of Francis I. complained to the king that a great lord threatened to murder him for uttering some jokes about him. "If he does" said Francis," he shall be hanged in five minutes after." "I wish," replied the complainant, "your majesty would hang him five minutes before." A LONG TEXT. A clergyman was once going to preach upon the text of the Samaritan woman, and after reading it, he said, "Do not wonder, my beloved, that the test is so long, for it is a woman that speaks." THE JEW BEGINNING THE WORLD AGAIN. Two criminals, a Christian and a Jew, Who'd been to honest feelings rather callous, Or come, as some folks call it, to the gallows; The priest, and ordinary, and crowd attended, When the poor trembling Israelite, befriended, THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. eard, by express, from officer of state, gracious pardon quite reverse his fate. mov'd he seem'd, and to the spot close sticking, Ne'er offers, thro' he's bid, to quit the place, Lin the air the other fellow's kicking; The sheriff thought that some peculiar grace, ae Hebrew form of silent, deep devotion, 1 for a while depriv'd him of his motion. by the sheriff being ask'd aloud, Why not with proper officer he went? aswer'd thus, (surprising all the crowd,) fith eyes upon the dying Christian bent, ly wait awhile pefore I coes, Aster Catch to pay te tead man's clo'es." FASHIONABLE ROUTS, How strange it is," said a lady, “that fashionable should be called routs! Why rout formerly jed the defeat of an army, and when the soldiers all put to flight or to the sword, they were said routed." "This title has some propriety too," clergyman, "for at these meetings whole es are frequently routed out of house and home." AVOIDING A DUN. Entleman, who was examined as a witness by Mr. Dunning, being repeatedly asked by the Bor if he did not lodge in the verge of the it fength replied, " He did."-"And pray, sir, reason did you take up your residence in ce "In the vain hope," replied the of avoiding the rascally impertinence of THE WATER-FIENDS. dmoor, all brown and bleak, broods the heath-frequenting grouse, pod a tenement antique, Hoppergollop's country house. cereign'd, with lips of glue, the owl cried, "Whoo! whoo! whoo!" Arse crow croak'd, "Caw! caw! caw !" Neglected mansion!-for 'tis said, Whene'er the snow came feath'ring down, Swift whirl the wheels-He's gone-A rose Maid of the moor, thy charms demand; Had none remain'd save only she ;- Had not been left, for company. To scare the sparrows from the fruit." Follow'd his step; where'er he wheels A bob-tail cur is at his heels. Are found in ev'ry bob-tail cur. Hard toil'd the youth, so fresh and strong, And mark his master troll the song "Sweet Molly Dumpling! Oh, thou cook!" |