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ADVANTAGES OF UGLINESS.

A DREAM.

To

marked to him, that his title would be very apt to be In the reign of Lewis XIV. a gentleman, who had confounded with that of the Lord Chancellor. To suffered by the law's delay, was promised speedy jus this observation Lord Eldin answered, " The differ. sice by a nobleman, who brought the gentleman to ence between his Lordship and me is all my eye." Versailles, to present him to his majesty. The request being granted by the king, his majesty asked the peer what connection he had with the man whose

With bridal cake beneath her head, Enterest he had so warmly espoused. “ Not any,” re

As Jenny prest her pillow, plied he; “indeed, so far from it, that I never saw

She dreamt that lovers, thick as hops, Enim in my life till the other day.” “ What !” replied Hung pendent from the willow, he king," had you never seen him before? How,

Around her spectres shook their chains, hen, could you be under that obligation to him which

And goblins kept their station ; you talk of ? "O, sire !” exclaimed the nobleman,“ has

They pull'd, they pinch'd her, till she swore not your majesty perceived that, till he was brought

spare the male creation. orward, I was supposed to have been the ugliest

Before her now the buck, the beau, man in your dominions ? The exception he has enabled me to make is surely a very great obligation.”

The 'squire, the captain trips;

The modest seiz'd her hand to kiss, THE DOCTOR AND CAPTAIN, A TALE FROM BATH,

The forward seiz'd ber lips. In Bladud's city, place of vast renown,

For some she felt her bosom pant, Where, in the season, wealthy cits from town

For some she felt it smart;
Escort their wives and pretty daughters,

To all she gave enchanting smiles,
To make a Jash,

To one she gave her heart.
To cut a splash,

She dreamt—(for magic charms prevail'd, To dance, to play at cards, and drink the waters

And fancy play'd her farce on) Astrife arose 'twixt men of high condition,

That, soft reclin'à in elbow chair,
A captain this, and that a grave physician.

She kiss'd a sleeping parson.
One morn, the hero of the scarlet coat,
Upon the doctor's gate, with pencil, wrote

She dreamt-but O, rash muse! forbear,

Nor virgin's dreams pursue ; Scoundrel !" in letters clear and plain :

Yet blest above the gods is he,
The doctor saw : amaz'd he stood,

Who proves such visions true.
He long'd to let the captain blood :
And, waxing wroth, he grasp'd his gold-torp'd cane,

ADVERTISEMENT.
Then sallied forth, and, after various dodgings,
At length be found the noble captain's lodgings;

A Margate advertisement, by an ass-lender, whose There, in politeness to be conquer’d, scorning,

donkies are alternately employed by ladies and smug.

glers : He told the servant, with an arch regard,

Asses here to be let; for all purposes right, · Give to your master doctor Pestle's card,

To bear angels by day, and spirits by night For at my gate he left his name this morning."

ETYMOLOGY AND LAW.

MONSIEUR TONSOX.

Shortly after Lord Eldin, the Scotch judge, assumed jis seat on the bench as a judge, a gentleman re

There liv'd, as fame reports, in days of yore,
At least some fifty years ago, or more,

A pleasant wight, on town yclep'd Tom King; After some time, a little Frenchman came
A fellow that was clever at a joke;

One hand display'd a rushlight's trembling flame, Expert in all the arts to tease and smoke ;

The other held a thing they call culotte; Io sbort, for strokes of humour quite the thing. An old strip'd woollen nightcap grac'd his head, To many a jovial club this King was known,

A tatier'd waistcoat o'er one shoulder spread With whom bis active wit unrivall'd shone :

Scarce half awake, be heav'd a yawning note. Choice spirit, grave free-mason, buck and blood, Tho' thus untimely rous'd, he courteous smild, Would crowd bis stories and bon-mots to hear; And soon address'd our wag in accents mild, And none a disappointment e’er couil fear,

Bending his head politely to his kneeHis humour flow'd in such a

opious flood.

“ Pray, Sare, vat vant you, dat you come so late? To him a frolic was a high delight;

I beg your pardon, Sare, to make you vait : A frolic he would hunt for day and night,

Pray, tell me, Sare, vat your commands vid me! Careless how prudence on the sport might frown:

“Sir," replied King, “ I merely thought to know, If e'er a pleasant mischief sprung to view,

As by your house, I chanc'd to-night to goAt once o'er hedge and ditch away he flew;

But really I distuub'd your sleep, I fear!
Nor left the game till he had run it down. I say, I thought that you, perhaps, could tell,

Among the folks who in this street may dwell,
One night our liero, rambling with a friend,
Near fam'd St. Giles's chaac'd his course to bend,

If there's a Mr. Thomson lodges here!"
Just by that spot the Seven Dials hight:

The shiv'ring Frenchman, tho’not pleas'd to find Twas silence all around, and clear the coast;

The business of this unimportant kind, The watch, as usual, dozing on his post;

Too simple to suspect 'twas meant in jeer, And scarce a lamp display'd a twinkling light.

Shrugg'd out a sigh, that thus his rest should break;

Then, with unalter'd courtesy he spakeAround this place there liv'd the num'rous clans No, Sare ; no Monsieur Tonson lodges here." Ol honest, plodding, foreign artizans, Known at that time by name of Refugees :

Our wag begg'd pardon, and towrds home he sped, The rod of persecution, from their home

While the poor Frenchman crawlid again to bed ; Compellid the inoffensive race to roam ;

But King resolv'd not thus to drop the jest :

So, the next night, with more of whim than grace, And here they lighted like a swarm of bees.

Again he made a visit to the place, Well! our two friends were saunt'ring through the To break once more the poor old Frenchman's rest. street,

He knock'd—but waited longer than before ; In hopes some food for humour soon to meet ;

No footstep seem'd approaching to the door : When, in a window near, a light they view, Our Frenchman Jay in such a sleep profound. And, though a dim and melancholy ray,

King with the kuocker thunder'd then again, It seem'd ite prologue to some merry play;

Firm on his post determin'd to remain ; So low'rds the gloomy dome our hero drew,

And oft, indeed, he made the door resound. &rzight at the door he gave a thund'ring knock At last King hears him o'er the passage creep, The ume we may suppose near two o'clock.

Wond'ring what fiend again disturb'd his sleep, "I'll ask," says King, “ if Thomson lodges here."

The wag salutes him with a civil leer; "Thomsou !" cries t'other, " who the devil's be ?"

Thus drawling out, to heighten the surprise, "I know not," King replies ; " but want to see While the poor Frenchman rubb'd his heavy eyes What kind of animal will now appear."

“ Is there-a Mr. Thomson lodges bere ?"

The Frenchman falter'd with a kind of fright- Our hero, with the firmness of a rock, “ Vy Sare, I'm sure I tell you, Sare, last night!" Collected to receive the mighty shock, And here he labour'd with a sigh sincere

Ult’ring the old inquiry, calmly siccd. No Monsieur Tonson in the varld I know; The name of Thomson rais'u the sturin so high, No Monsieur Tonson here-I told you so;

He deem'd it, then, the safest plao to poy,
Indeed, Sare, dere no Monsieur Tonson here !" With"Well, I'll call when you're in gearler mood."
Some more excuses tender'd, off King goes; In short, our hero, with the same intent,
And the old Frenchman sought once more repose. Full many a night, to plazue the Freschina, weat;

The rogue next night pursu'd his old career : So fond of mischief was the wicked wit!
'Twas long, indeed, before the man came nigh; They throw out water, for the watch they call,
And then he utter'd in a pitcous cry-

But King, expecting, still escapes from all. “ Sare, 'pon my soul no Monsieur Tonson here !" Monsieur, at last, was forc'd his house to quit. Our sportive wight his usual visit paid ;

It happen'd that our wag, about this time, And, the next night, came forth a prattling inaid, On sume fair prospect, sought the eastern cims.

Whose tongue, indeed, than any jack went faster! Six ling’ring years were, there, bis sed cushit! Anxious she strove his errand to inquire;

At length, content, amid bis ripeniny store, He said 'twas vain her pretty tongue to tire ;

Ile treads again on Britain's happy sure, He should not stir till he had seen her master, And his long absence is at once forgoi. The damsel then began in doleful state,

To London willi impatient hope he tiies, The Frenchman's broken slumbers to relate, And the same nighi as former freaks arise,

And begg'd he'd call at proper time of day: He lain mur* stroll, the well-known hauet i tot. King told her, she must fetch her master down; “ Ah! here's the scene of frequent mirth," he 24 A chaise was ready-he was leaving town;

My poor old Frenchmau, I suppose, is derd. But first had much of deep concern to say.

Egad! I'll knock, and see who tolds his plis" Thus urg'd, she went the snoring man to call; With rapid strokes he makes the mansion tour; And long, indeed, was she oblig'd to bawl,

And while he, eager, eyes the op'nir. door, Ere she could rouse the torpid lump of clay : Lo! who obeys the knocker's ratiling peal! At last he wakes-he rises—and he swears;

Why e'en our Frenchman! Strange perhaps
But, scarcely had he totter'd down the stairs, He took bis old abode that rery day :-
When King attacks him in the usual way.

Capricious turn of sportive lorture's wheck!
The Frenchman now perceiv'd 'twas all in vain, Without one thought of the relentless foe!
To this tormentor mildly to complain,

Who, fiend-like, haunted him so long ago, And straight in rage began his crest to rear- Just in his former trin he vow appears : Sare, vat de devil make you treat me so ?

The waistcoat and the nightcap seemed these Sare, I inform you, Sare, tree nights ago:

With ruslight, as before, he creeping came. Got dam, I swear, no Monsieur Tonson here !" And King's detested voice astonishi'd lears True as the night King went and heard a strife As if some hideous spectre struck his sighi, Between the harasz'd Frenchman and his wife, His senses seem'd bewilder'd with afingtit

Which should descend to chase the fiend away: His face, indeed, bespoke a heari full sure: At length to join their forces they agree;

Then, siartiny, he exclaim'd, in rucial stain And straight impetuously they turn the key,

Begar! here's Monsieur Touson ceme agau Prepar'd with mutual fury for the fray, ·

Away he ran; and ne'er was teard of tors

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AN EYE TO BUSINESS.

" How now !” the light-toed, whitewash'd, pilgrim A surveyor of taxes for the ward of Chester in the broke,

" You lazy lubber!” county of Durham, whose income is derivable from

“ Od's curse it!” cried the t'other, " 'tis no joke surcharges, requested a friend to furnish him with a

My feet, once hard as any rock, sotto for a seal. The latter recommended him to

Are now as soft as blubber. take the last words of Marmion, Charge, Chester, charge."

Excuse me, Virgin Mary, that I swear ;

As for Loretto, I shall not get there;
THE PILGRIMS AND THE PEAS.

No! to the dev'! my sinful soul must go,

For d-me if I ha'nt lost every toe.
A brace of sinners, for no good,
Were ordered tu the Virgin Mary's shrine,

But, brother sinner, do explain:
Who at Loretto dwelt, in wax, stone, wood,

How 'tis that you are not in pain ; And, in a cul'd white wig, look'd wond'rous fine.

What power hath work'd a wonder for your toes?

Whilst I, just like a snail, am crawling, Fifty long miles had these sad rogues to travel, Now swearin', now on saints devoutly bawling, With something in their shoes inuch worse than Whilst not a rascal comes to ease my woes. ? gravel :

How is't that you can like a greyhound go, In short, their toes, so gentle to amuse,

As inerty, as if pought had happen'd, burn ye!' Thie priest had order'd peas into their shoes.

Why,” cry'd the other, grinning, “ you must kaow, A nostrum famous in old Popish times

That just before I ventur'd on my journey, For purifying souls that stunk with crimes,

To walk a little more at ease, A sort of apostolic salt,

I took the liberty to boil my peas.” P. Pindar. That Popish parsons for its powers exalt, For keeping souls of sinners sweet,

An Irishman was once brought up before a magisJust as our kitchen salt keeps meat,

trate, charged with marrying six wives. The magisThe knaves set off on the same day,

trate asked him how he could be so hardened a l'eas in their shoes, to go and pray,

villain ? Please your Worship, (says Paddy) I was But very different was their speed, I wot: trying to get u good one, One of the sinners gallop'd on, Liht as a bullet from a gun,

Henderson the actor was seldom known to be in The other limp'd as if he had been shot.

a passion. When at Oxford he was one day debating 01e saw the Virgin, soon peccavi cry'd

with a fellow student, who, not keeping his temper, Had his soul whitewash'd all so clever :

threw a glass of wine in his face. Mr. Henderson When honie again he nimbly hied,

took out his handkerchief, vriped his face, and coolly Made fit with saints above to live for ever. said, “ That, Sir, was a digression ; now for the ox. In roming back, bowever, let me say,

gument." lle met his brother rogue about half way:

FRANK HAMAN.
Hobbling with out-stretch'd bum and bending knees, Frank Haman, once a brother of the brush,
Deioning the souls and bodies of the peas :

Had talents much distinguish'd in his day;
His eyes in tears, his cheeks and brow

But for his art he hardly car'd a rush,

A CHOICE.

A COOL RETORT.

bit again.

This wag was deem'd by all the social tribe The sight of this refreshing place,
A jovial, easy, careless, pleasant fellow,

The scent that hails him from the door,
Fond of a frolic, ready at a gibe,

Arrest at once his rambling paceAnd sometimes in his cups a little mellow.

As they had often done before. He, being tempted by a pleasant day,

Mine host, with accents that were wond'rous kind, After a long contention with the gout,

Invites him in, a jolly crew to join;
A foe that oft besieg'd him, sallied out,
To breathe fresh air, and wile an hour away.

The man the gen'rous courtesy declin'd,
It chanc'd as he was strolling, void of care,

Merely, perhaps, for want of thirsi-or coin. A drunken porier pass'd him with a hare. Straight on a bench without, he stretched along, The hare was o'er his shoulder flung,

Regardless of the passing throng, Dangling behind, in piteous plight,

And soon his weary eyelids close,

While Somnus soothes him to repose.
And as he crept in zig-zag style,

The hare now prostrate at his back,
Making the most of every mile,
From side to side poor pussy swung,

This was the time to get a snack.
As if each moment taking flight.

The dog, unable longer to refrain,

Gaz'd at the hare, A dog, who saw the man's condition,

Who caus'd his care, A lean and hungry politician,

Jumpt and bit, jumpt and bit, jumpt and bit, and On the look out, was lurking close behind;

A sly and subtle chap, Of most sagacious smell,

At length, when he had clear'd away the rest, Like politicians of a higher kind,

The sated spoiler finish'd on the breast.
Ready to snap

Then having made a hearty meal,
At any thing that fell.

He carelessly turnd on his heel, The porter stagger'd on, the dog kept near,

Nor thought of asking

" What's to pay?" Watching the lucky minute for a bite,

But scamper'd at his ease away; Now made a spring, and then drew back with fear, Perhaps to find some four-foot fair, While Hamán follow'd, titt’ring at the sight.

And tell the story of the hare. Great was the contrast 'twixt the man and dog ; And here some sage, with moral spleen, may say, The one a negligent and stupid lout,

* This Haman should have driv'n the dog away, That seem'd to know not what he was about;

Th' effects of vice the blameless should not bear, The other keen, observant, all azog:

And folks that are not drunkards lose their bare." Nor need it wonderment excite, I ween,

All this we grant is very trueThat Haman clos'd the train to mark the scene, But in this giddy world how few Thro' many a street our tipsy porter reels,

To virtue's heights sublimely move, Then stops-as

as if to solemn thoughts inclin'd Relinquishing the things they love. The watchful dog was ready at his heels,

Not so unfashionally good, And Haman hobbled on not far behind.

Our waçgish painter laughing slood, Then rolling on again, the man survey'd

In hopes more sport to find One of those happy mansions, where

Dispos'd to keep in view his garae, A cordial drop imparts its cheering aid

And with th' ambitious Thane exclaim, To all the thirsty sons of care.

::: babind."

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