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But 0, how pleasure vanish'd from his eye,

How long and rueful his round sisage grew;
Soon as he saw the kettle's bottom fly,
Solder the only fluid he could view !

He rav'd, he caper'd, and he sworc,

And curs'd the kettle's bottom o'er and o'er, “ Come, come!” says Dick, " fetch us, my friend,

more ale; All trades, you know, must live : Let's drink- May trade with none of us ne'er fail.

The job to Tom then give; And, for the ale he drinks, our lad of mettle, Take my word for it, soon will mentt!your kettle."

The landlord yields, but hopes 'tis no offence,

To curse the trade that thrives at his expence,
Tom undertakes the job, to work he goes,
And jast concludes it with the evening's close.
Souls so congenial, had friends Tom and Dick,

They might be fairly calld brother and brother; Thought Tom,“ to serve my friend I know a trick, And one good turn deserves another ! ”

Out now he stily slips,
But not a word he said ;
The plot was in his head,

And off he nimbly trips.
Swift to a neighbouring church, his way he takes;

Nor, in the dark,

Misses his mark,
But every pane of glass he quickly breaks :

Back as he goes,

His bosom glows,
To think how great will be his friend Dick's joy
At getting so much excellent employ!
Return'd, he, beckoning, draws his friend aside,

Importance in his face,
And, to Dick's ear his mouth applied,

Thus briefly states the case “ Dick? I may give you joy, you're a made man,

I've done your business most complete, my friend I'm off ! the devil catch me if he can,

Each window in the church you've got to mend;

Ingratitude's worst curse on my head fall,
If for your sake I have not broke them all!"
Tom, with surprise sees Dick turn pale,

Who deeply sighis-" 0, la ! "

Then drops his under jaw,
And all bis pow'rs of utt'rance fail;

While horror in his ghastly face

And bursting eyeballs, Tom can trace, Whose sympathetic muscles, just and true,

Share with the heart,

Dick's unknown smart,
And two such phizzes uc'er met mortal view,

At lengtlı friend Dick his speech regain 3,
And soon the mystery explain'da

“ You have indeed ny business done,
And I, as well as you, inust run ;
For, let me act the best I can,

Tom! Tom! I am a ruin'd man
Zounds! zounds! this friendship is a foolish act,
You did not know with the parish I contract;
Your wish to serve me, then, will cost me deat,
I always mend those windows hy the year."

TUB ROYAL SHIPWRIGHT. King Charles II. was reputed to be a great connoisseur in naval architecture. Being once at Chus bam, to view a ship, just finished, on the stocks, die asked Killegrew, " if he did not think te wecula make an excellent shipwriglit:” Killegres stantly replied, " he always thought his lat would have done better at any trade than his ow*

TRUE WIT.

True wit is like the brilliant stone

Dug from Golconda's mine;
Which boasts two various powers in one,

Tocut as well as sbine.
Genius, like that, if polislı'd right,

With the sampe gifts abounds; Appears at once both keen and brighi,

And sparkles wliile it sounds

OF JUSTIFYINO BAIL.

GETTING INTO DEBT.

compliments to my Lord Bishop, and tell him that I There are three ways of getting into debt; first, am better, much better; but that the Bishop or by pushing a face; as thus : “ You, Mr. Lutestring, W has got a sore throat arising from a bad reud me home six yards of that paduasoy, dammee; cold, if that will do." but, leark ye, don't think I ever intend to pay you

KING'S BENCII PRACTICE,-CHAP. 10th, for it, dammee." At this, the mercer lauglis beartily : cuts off the paduasoy, and sends it home ; Dur is he till too late, surprised to find the gentleman | Baldwin. Hewit, call Taylor's bail,--for I had said nothing but truth, and kept his word.

Shall now proceed to justify. The second method of running into debt is called Hewit. Where's Taylor's bail?

1st Bail. fineering; which is getting goods made up in such a

I can't get in.

Hewit. Make way. fastıion as to be unfit for every other purchaser, and if the tradesman refuses to give them upon credit, Lord Mansfield. For Heaven's sake begin. then threaten to leave them upon his hands.

Hewit. But where's the other ? But the third and best method is called, “ Being

9d Bail.

Here I stand. the good customer.” The gentleman tirst buys some

Mingay. I must except to both,-command trifle, and pays for it in ready money : he comes a

Silence ;--and if your Lordships crave it, few days after with nothing but bank bills, and buys, Austen. Will Priddle, late of Fleet-street, gent.

Austen shall read our affidavit. we will soppose, a sixpenny tweezer case; the bills are too great to be changed, so he promises to return

Makes oath and saith, That late he went punctually the day after, and pays for wbat he has

To Duke's-place, as he was directed booght. In this promise he is punctual, and this is By notice, and he there expected repeated for right or ten times, till his face is well To find both bail — but none could tell known, and he has got, at last, the character of a good Where the first bail lived. enstomer. By this means he gets credit for some

Mingay.

Very well.

Austen. And this deponent further says, ving considerable, and then never pays for it.

That asking what the second was,
GARRICK'S AVARICE.

He found he'd brankrupt been, and yet
Poole often rallied Garrick on his avarice. Gar- Had ne'er obtain'd certificate.
rick called upon him one day, and was surprised to When to his bouse deponent went,
me a bust of himself placed upon the bureau. “Is He full four stories high was sent,
this intended as a compliment to me?" said Garrick. And found a lodging almost bare ;
*Certainly,” repliod Foote. “ And can you trust No furniture but half a chair,
ne so near your cash and your bank-notes ?” “ Yes,

A table, bedstead, broken fiddie, may well,” said Foate," for you are without hunds." And a bureau, (signed) William Priddle. CLERICAL PREFERMENT.

Sworn at my chambers, Francis Buller, Among the daily inquiries after the health of an Mingay. No affidavit can be fuller. aged bishop of D****n, during his indisposition, no Well, friend, you've heard this affidavit; one was more sedulously punctual than the bishop What do you say? &*•**t, and the invalid seemed to think, that ad Bail.

Sir, by your leave, is ether motives than those of anxious kindness might Is all a lie. Bontribute to this solicitude. One morning he or- Mingay.

Sir, have a care Grred the messenger to be shown into his room, and What is your trade? bu addressed lim : " Be so good as present my | zd Bail,

A scavenger.

Minginy And pray, Sir, were you never found a pay? "A penny,” said strap.

« I'll give you a Bankrupt?

baubec," said Duncan," and if that dinna satisfy ye, 2d Bail. I'm worth a thousand pound.

ye mav put on my beard again." Mingay. A thousand pound, friend? Boldly said !

TRANSLATION DLUNDERS. In what consisting?

Du Fresnel translated Pope's Essay on Man; tut 2d Bail. Stock in trade,

upon this verse, Mingay. And pray, friend, teil ine, do you know

Then, looking op, from sire to sire, explored What som you're bail for ? 2d Buil. Truly no.

One great first father, and that first adored

unluckily mistook the terin of great first father, and Mingay. My Lords, you hear,-no oaths have made it great grandfather! Voltaire rendered the check'd him.

words of Shakespeare, “ Not a mouse is stirring, I hope your Lordships will

not a mouse trots!Willes.

Reject him.
Mingay. Well, friend, now tell me where

you
dwell.

PIOUS SHAVING. 1st Bail, Sir, I have liv'd in Clerkenwell

A sturdy beggar, entered a French tonsor's shop the These ten years,

ere of Corpus Christi, besought bim to take off his Mingay. Half a guinea dead. (aside)

beard for God's sake. —" Willingly," replied ve My Lords, if you've the notice read,

barber : " here, boy," says he, " whip off this man's It says Duke's-place. So I desire

beard gratis, in honour of the festival," cries, as A little further time t'enquire.

of his apprentices, to another: “ Hack that fellow's Baldwin. Why. Mr. Mingay, all this vapour.

chin there. The patient made strange wry facra, Willes. Take till to-morrow.

when seeing a water spaniel come in, manglet in a Lord Mansfield. Call the Paper.

iniserable manuer, for having plundered the kitchen “ Poor dog," says he, " I see by your air that y*

have been shaved for God's sake.' A lady, in whose favor Sir Thomas More had

MURRAY AND THE BISHOP. made a decree in Chaucery against a pobleman,

The publisher of the Quarterly Review one day having, as a token of her gratitude, presented him

received a letter, dated Chelsea, signed · Tours with a pair of gloves, and in them forty pounds in Ilinton,” proposing to liim to publish a "Life of angels, as a new year's yiti, More took the gloves, Pitt,” which he had written in several volumes. but pouring out trie moner, and returning it, said He scomíully put it into his pocket, and in a few days with a smile, “Since it would be contrary to good mentioned it as a good joke to some literary persoas minners to refuse a new year's gift from a lady, at dinner, that some fellow of the name of "intas I am content to take your gloves, but as for the

had actually been wasting his time on such a work. lining, I utterly refuse it.”

and now bad the modesty to propose to him to pobiliza it “ Winton," exclaimed a Wykbamist," whenes

did he date?" " Oh ! from Chelsea," said the book. A Highlander who sold brooms, went into a bar- seller. The other suspecting an error of ignorarer, ber's shop in Glasgow, a few days since, to get desired to see the letter, and on its being produced, shared. The barber bought one of his bruoms, and, it was Jiscovered to be from the Bishop of Winchestrs, after having shared him, asked the price of it. written at the Palace at Chelsea. The bookselle “ Two- pence,” said the Highlander. "No, no," overwhelined with chagrin, flew to Chelsea, plessed said the barber, “ I'll give you a penny; if that does many excuses for neglect, and was put into possession

tisfy you, take your broom again.” The of the MS. of a work which soon rad drough seral

v took it, and asked what he had got to large and profitable editions.

JOHN BAYNES.

SIR THOMAS MORE,

STRIKING A

BAGAIN.

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LYING.

DN TUR MARRIAGE OF A MISS BROWN TO A

Mh. FIINT.

SIMPLICITY. A countrymau giving evidence at court; was asked I do confess in many a sigh by tog counsel if he was born in Wed:ock?

“No,

My lips have breath'd you many a lie, 6,"answered the man, “I wa; born in Devonshire."" And who, with such delights in view,

Would lose them for a lie or two ?
Nay, look not thus with brow reproving,

Lies are, my dear, the soul of loving.
Mary, I thought within your breast,

If half we tell the girls were true; The gentle pussions once did rest,

If half we swear to think or do, Buniane and good I deemd your heart,

Were aught but lying's bright illusion ! lockin'd in take th' unhappy's part;

The world would be in strange confusion. I choryht for others' woes you felt,

If ladies' eyes were every one, Could at a tale of misery welt,

As lovers swear, a radiant sun, Art, And it been within your power,

Astronomy should leave the skies Would on distress your bounty shower ;

To learn her lore from ladies' eyes. B!, now what sudden news I hear!

Oh no; believe me! lovely girl, You're strangely chang'd, I greatly fear)

When nature turns your teeth to pearl, Inut after all your goodness past

Your neck to snow, your eye's tv fire, Your heart can turn to Flint at last

Your yellow lochs to golelen wire, Welcil the news should e'en prove true,

Then only then, can Reaven decree, Some good froin evil may ensile ;

That you should live for only me For if afection sliould increase

Or I for you : as night anu morn Han Jorny hours domestic peace,

We've swearing kiss'd and kissing sworn. Before thai many years are past,

And how, my gentle hints to clear, You may perhap> strike out at last,

For once I'll tell you truth, my dear! Some lucky moment in the dark)

Whenever you may chance to meet Btween you boli, a BRILLIANT SPAP.K.

A loving youth, whose love is sweet,

Long as you're false, and he believes you,
WELSU GENTILITY.

Long as you trust, and he deceives you,
Then James 1. was on the road near Chester, lie So long the blissful bond endures,
**3.94 by sach numbers of the Welsh, who came

And while he lies, he's wholly yours. 19 of curiosity to see hiin, that the weather being But oh! you've wholly lost the youth *w, ani the roads dusty, he was nearly suffocated. The instant that he tells you truth. MOORE. I was completely at a loss in which manner to rid

VAN TROMP. " .*i of them civiliy: at last one of his attendants, pruun his head out of tive coach, said, “ It is his The Dutch admiral Van Tromp, who was a large

Tit's pleasure that those who are the best gen- heavy man, was once challenged by a thin active l'na shall ride forwards."—Away scampered the French officer. We are not upon equal terms with selech, and but one solitary man was leit behind. rapiers, said Van Tromp, but call upon me to-morrow Asd 4,5ir," says the king to him, “ you are not a morning, and we will adjust the affair better. When

*man, then?" " () yes, and please your ina- the Frenchman called, he found the Dutch admiral **13, hur is as good a shentleman as the rest ; but bestriding a barrel of gunpowder : There is room soatlyl, (horse,) God lieip hur, is not so good." enough for you, said Van Tromp, at the other end of

THE OXONIAN-ACRAZY TALE.

ON THE LETTER H.

der :

the barrel ; sit down, there is a match ; and as you chickens will be turned into ducks before my coop is were the challenger, give fire. The Frenchman was ready to receive them.” thunderstruck at this terrible mode of fighting : but as the Dutch admiral told him he would fight no

A other way, terins of accommodation ensued.

young Oxonian, not o'erstock'd with knowledge, Like many others, who are sent to college, Who, taken from their country schools

And dread inspiring birch, 'Twas in Heaven pronounced, it was mutter'd in

Are put apprentices to Mrs. Church,
Hell,

And learn to make themselves consummate fools. And echo caught faintly the sound as it fell :

But to my tale ;-ibis son of sable hues On the confines of earth 'twas permitted to rest,

Would oft, his leisure hours to amuse, And the depths of the ocean its presence confest.

When unobserv'd, take copious draughts of wine, 'Twill be found in the sphere, when 'uis riven asun

(The luscious produce of the purple vine,)

And get his cranium in a preity funk, 'Tis seen in the lightning, and heard in the thunder.

Or get in plainer English) screeching druuk. 'Twas allotted to man, with his earliest breath,

Moreover he was fond of cards and dice,
It assists at his birth, it attends him in death.
Presides o'er his happiness, honour, and health,

(In latter days too prevalent a vice :)

Could swear, and run in debt, and when, forsooth, Is the prop of his house, and the end of his wealth.

Some luckless tradesmian would request this youth, It begins every hope, every wish it must bound;

“ To have the condescension to discharge And tho' unaspiring, with monarchs is crown'd:

His bill, which now was growing rather large-" In the heaps of the miser 'tis hoarded with care,

He'd kick his breech, or pluck the caitift's hairs, But is sure to be lost in his prodigal heir.

And knock him down a dozen pair of stairs.
Without it the soldier, the seaman, may roam,

-This to be sure now, was not very civil,
But woe to the wretch, who expels it from home.
In the whispers of conscience its voice will be found, These pretty tricks, the reader may rely,

But shows that cassocks sometimes clothe the devil. Nor e'en in the whirlwind of passion be drowned. 'Twill not soften the heart, but tho' deaf to the ear

Could not be long conceal'd

From dame Inspection's penetrating eye, 'Twill make it acutely and constantly hear.

But to the President were soon reveal'd. But in shade let it rest, like a delicate flower ;

In vain did he his hapless fate bewail ;
Oh! breathe on it softly—it dies in an hour.

In vain for pardon did the youth implore
BYRON.

(Which oft had been obtain'd by bribes before )

Then dropt a piteons tear,
When Rowland Hill was erecting his chapel in Nor prayers nor tears will now avail-
Blackfriars Road, many of his congregation resorted

He's summon'd to appear. to a Baptist's meeting-house in that neighbourhood: High on his chair the reverend father sat, this the divine did not like ; and one day when a In all the dignity of pride and fat; number of his flock, who were passing to the house of High on his head his wig portentous frown'd, ablution, stopped to look at the bricklayers employed The youth with dread beheld his awiul state in the building, some of the workmen, by asking them Decider of his good or evil fatefor money to drink, drove them away; but as they Whilst thus his words throughout the hall resourd. were going, Rowland cried to the carpenters, " Come Young maglads, get on, get on; if you trifle in this way, all my As life is but a span,

DUCKS AND CHICKENS.

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