The Laughing Philosopher: Being the Entire Works of Momus, Jester of Olympus ...

But O, how pleasure vanish'd from his eye,
How long and rueful his round visage grew;
Soon as he saw the kettle's bottom fly,
Solder the only fluid he could view !

He rav'd, he caper'd, and he swore,

And curs'd the kettle's bottom o'er and o'er. "Come, come!" says Dick, "fetch us, my friend, more ale;

All trades, you know, must live:
Let's drink- May trade with none of us ne'er fail.
The job to Tom then give;

And, for the ale he drinks, our lad of mettle,
Take my word for it, soon will mend your kettle."
The landlord yields, but hopes 'tis no offence,
To curse the trade that thrives at his expence,
Tom undertakes the job, to work he goes,
And just concludes it with the evening's close,
Souls so congenial, had friends Tom and Dick,
They might be fairly call'd brother and brother;
Thought Tom, "to serve my friend I know a trick,
And one good turn deserves another!"

Ingratitude's worst curse on my head fall,
If for your sake I have not broke them all!"
Tom, with surprise sees Dick turn pale,
Who deeply sighs—“ O, la !*
Then drops his under jaw,
And all his pow'rs of utt'rance fail;

While horror in his ghastly face
And bursting eyeballs, Tom can trace,
Whose sympathetic muscles, just and true,
Share with the heart,

Dick's unknown smart,

And two such phizzes uc'er met mortal view.

At length friend Dick his speech regain'd, And soon the mystery explain'd"You have indeed my business done, And I, as well as you, must run; For, let me act the best I can, Tom! Tom! I am a ruin'd man Zounds! zounds! this friendship is a foolish act, You did not know with the parish I contract; Your wish to serve me, then, will cost me dear, I always mend those windows by the year.”

THE ROYAL SHIPWRIGHT.

King Charles II. was reputed to be a great cen noisseur in naval architecture. Being once at b ham, to view a ship, just finished, on the stocks, asked Killegrew, "if he did not think he shoul make an excellent shipwright?" Killegrew stantly replied," he always thought his Ma would have done better at any trade than his oNT.

TRUE WIT.

True wit is like the brilliant stone
Dug from Golconda's mine;
Which boasts two various powers in one,
To cut as well as shine.

Genius, like that, if polish'd right,

With the same gifts abounds; Appears at once both keen and bright, And sparkles while it wounds.

GETTING INTO DEBT.

There are three ways of getting into debt; first, by pushing a face; as thus: "You, Mr. Lutestring, send me home six yards of that paduasoy, dammee; but, hearkye, don't think I ever intend to pay you for it, dammee." At this, the mercer laughs heartily cuts off the paduasoy, and sends it home; nor is he till too late, surprised to find the gentleman had said nothing but truth, and kept his word.

The second method of running into debt is called fincering; which is getting goods made up in such a fashion as to be unfit for every other purchaser, and f the tradesman refuses to give them upon credit, hen threaten to leave them upon his hands. But the third and best method is called, "Being he good customer." The gentleman first buys some rifle, and pays for it in ready money: he comes a days after with nothing but bank bills, and buys, e will suppose, a sixpenny tweezer case; the bills too great to be changed, so he promises to return actually the day after, and pays for what he has aght. In this promise he is punctual, and this is peated for eight or ten times, till his face is well own, and he has got, at last, the character of a good itomer. By this means he gets credit for someng considerable, and then never pays for it.

GARRICK'S AVARICE.

foote often rallied Garrick on his avarice. Garcalled upon him one day, and was surprised to bust of himself placed upon the bureau. "Is intended as a compliment to me?" said Garrick. ertainly," replied Foote. "And can you trust near your cash and your bank-notes?" "Yes. well," said Foote," for you are without hands."

CLERICAL PREFERMENT.

ong the daily inquiries after the health of an bishop of D****ni, during his indisposition, no as more sedulously punctual than the bishop ***T, and the invalid seemed to think, that motives than those of anxious kindness might ate to this solicitude. One morning he orthe messenger to be shown into his room, and addressed him: "Be so good as present my

compliments to my Lord Bishop, and tell him that. I am better, much better; but that the Bishop or W- has got a sore throat arising from a bad

cold, if that will do."

KING'S BENCH PRACTICE.-CHAP. 10th,

OF JUSTIFYING BAIL.

Baldwin.
Shall now proceed to justify.
Hewit. Where's Taylor's bail?

Hewit, call Taylor's bail,--for I

1st Bail. I can't get in.
Hewit. Make way.

Lord Mansfield. For Heaven's sake begin.
Hewit. But where's the other?
2d Bail.

Here I stand.

Mingay. I must except to both,-command Silence; and if your Lordships crave it, Austen shall read our affidavit. Austen. Will Priddle, late of Fleet-street, gent. Makes oath and saith, That late he went To Duke's-place, as he was directed By notice, and he there expected To find both bail-but none could tell Where the first bail lived.— Mingay. Very well. Austen. And this deponent further says, That asking what the second was, He found he'd brankrupt been, and yet Had ne'er obtain'd certificate. When to his house deponent went, He full four stories high was sent, And found a lodging almost bare; No furniture but half a chair, A table, bedstead, broken fiddle, And a bureau, (signed) William Priddle. Sworn at my chambers, Francis Buller, Mingay. No affidavit can be fuller. Well, friend, you've heard this affidavit ; What do you say? 2d Bail. Is all a lie. Mingay. What is your trade? 2d Bail,

Sir, by your leave, it Sir, have a care

A scavenger.

Mingay

Bankrupt?

And pray, Sir, were you never found a pay? "A penny," said strap.

2d Bail. I'm worth a thousand pound.
Mingay. A thousand pound, friend? Boldly said!
In what consisting?

Stock in trade.

2d Bail. Mingay. And pray, friend, teil ine, do

What sum you're bail for?

2d Bail

Truly no.

you know

"I'll give you

baubee," said Duncan," and if that dinna satisfy ye, ye may put on my beard again."

TRANSLATION BLUNDERS.

Du Fresnel translated Pope's Essay on Man; but upon this verse,

Then, looking up, from sire to sire, explored
One great first father, and that first adored-

Mingay. My Lords, you hear,-no oaths have unluckily mistook the term of great first father, and

check'd him.

A lady, in whose favor Sir Thomas More had made a decree in Chancery against a nobleman, having, as a token of her gratitude, presented him with a pair of gloves, and in them forty pounds in angels, as a new year's gift, More took the gloves, but pouring out the money, and returning it, said with a smile, "Since it would be contrary to good manners to refuse a new year's gift from a lady, I am content to take your gloves, but as for the lining, I utterly refuse it."

STRIKING A BARGAIN.

A Highlander who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow, a few days since, to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having shaved him, asked the price of it. "Two- pence," said the Highlander. “No, no," said the barber, "I'll give you a penny; if that does not satisfy you, take your broom again." The Highlander took it, and asked what he had got to

made it great grandfather! Voltaire rendered the words of Shakespeare, "Not a mouse is stirring," "not a mouse trots!"

PIOUS SHAVING.

A sturdy beggar, entered a French tonsor's shop the eve of Corpus Christi, besought him to take off his beard for God's sake.-"Willingly," replied e barber: " here, boy," says he, "whip off this man's beard gratis, in honour of the festival," cries, che of his apprentices, to another: 44 Hack that fellow's chin there." The patient made strange wry faces, when seeing a water spaniel come in, mangled in a miserable manner, for having plundered the kitchen, "Poor dog," says he, "I see by your air that y have been shaved for God's sake.'

MURRAY AND THE BISHOP.

The publisher of the Quarterly Review one day received a letter, dated Chelsea, signed “That's Winton," proposing to him to publish a “Life of Pitt," which he had written in several volumes. He scornfully put it into his pocket, and in a few days mentioned it as a good joke to some literary perso at dinner, that some fellow of the name of Winte had actually been wasting his time on such a work, and now had the modesty to propose to him to publish it. "Winton," exclaimed a Wykhamist, "whenes did he date?" "Oh! from Chelsea," said the book. seller. The other suspecting an error of ignoraner, desired to see the letter, and on its being produced, it was discovered to be from the Bishop of Winchester, written at the Palace at Chelsea. The bookseller overwhelmed with chagrin, flew to Chelsea, please many excuses for neglect, and was put into possession of the MS. of a work which soon ran through several large and profitable editions.

SIMPLICITY.

A countryman giving evidence at court; was asked by the counsel if he was born in Wedlock? "No, ar," answered the man," I was born in Devonshire !"

ON THE MARRIAGE OF A MISS BROWN TO A
ME. FLINT.

Mary, I thought within your breast,
The gentle passions once did rest,
Huniane and good I deem'd your heart,
Inclin'd to take th' unhappy's part;
I thought for others' woes you felt,
Could at a tale of misery melt,
And, had it been within your power,
Would on distress your bounty shower;
But, new what sudden news I hear!
(You're strangely chang'd, I greatly fear)
That after all your goodness past
Your heart can turn to Flint at last
Well-if the news should e'en prove true,
me good from evil may ensue;
For if affection should increase
With downy hours domestic peace,
Before that many years are past,
You may perhaps strike out at last,
(Some lucky moment in the dark)
Between you both, a BRILLIANT SPARK.

WELSH GENTILITY.

When James I. was on the road near Chester, he

LYING.

I do confess in many a sigh

My lips have breath'd you many a lie,
And who, with such delights in view,
Would lose them for a lie or two?
Nay, look not thus with brow reproving,
Lies are, my dear, the soul of loving.
If half we tell the girls were true;
If half we swear to think or do,
Were aught but lying's bright illusion!
The world would be in strange confusion.
If ladies' eyes were every one,
As lovers swear, a radiant sun,
Astronomy should leave the skies
To learn her lore from ladies' eyes.
Oh no; believe me! lovely girl,
When nature turns your teeth to pearl,
Your neck to snow, your eyes to fire,
Your yellow locks to golden wire,
Then only then, can fleaven decree,
That you should live for only me—
Or I for you: as night and morn
We've swearing kiss'd and kissing sworn.
And now, my gentle hints to clear,
For once I'll tell you truth, my dear!
Whenever you may chance to meet
A loving youth, whose love is sweet,
Long as you're false, and he believes you,
Long as you trust, and he deceives you,
So long the blissful bond endures,
And while he lies, he's wholly yours.
But oh! you've wholly lost the youth
The instant that he tells you truth. MOORE.

VAN TROMP.

by such numbers of the Welsh, who came ruriosity to see him, that the weather being and the roads dusty, he was nearly suffocated. completely at a loss in which manner to rid Stelt of them civilly; at last one of his attendants, Ben his head out of the coach, said, It is his The Dutch admiral Van Tromp, who was a large tv's pleasure that those who are the best gen-heavy man, was once challenged by a thin active shall ride forwards."-Away scampered the French officer. We are not upon equal terms with , and but one solitary man was left behind. rapiers, said Van Tromp, but call upon me to-morrow nd so, sir," says the king to him, "you are not a morning, and we will adjust the affair better. When de, then?" "O yes, and please your ma- the Frenchman called, he found the Dutch admiral Bur is as good a shentleman as the rest; but bestriding a barrel of gunpowder: There is room effyl, (horse,) God help hur, is not so good." enough for you, said Van Tromp, at the other end of

the barrel; sit down, there is a match; and as you | chickens will be turned into ducks before my coop is were the challenger, give fire. The Frenchman was ready to receive them." thunderstruck at this terrible mode of fighting: but as the Dutch admiral told him he would fight no

other way, terms of accommodation ensued.

ON THE LETTER H.

'Twas in Heaven pronounced, it was mutter'd in
Hell,

And echo caught faintly the sound as it fell :
On the confines of earth 'twas permitted to rest,
And the depths of the ocean its presence confest.
"Twill be found in the sphere, when 'tis riven asun-

der:

'Tis seen in the lightning, and heard in the thunder.
'Twas allotted to man, with his earliest breath,
It assists at his birth, it attends him in death.
Presides o'er his happiness, honour, and health,
Is the

prop of his house, and the end of his wealth.
It begins every hope, every wish it must bound;
And tho' unaspiring, with monarchs is crown'd:
In the heaps of the miser 'tis hoarded with care,
But is sure to be lost in his prodigal heir.
Without it the soldier, the seaman, may roam,
But woe to the wretch, who expels it from home.

THE OXONIAN,~~A CRAZY TALE.

A young Oxonian, not o'erstock'd with knowledge,
Like many others, who are sent to college,
Who, taken from their country schools
And dread inspiring bitch,

Are put apprentices to Mrs. Church,
And learn-to make themselves consummate fools.
But to my tale ;-this son of sable hues
Would oft, his leisure hours to amuse,
When unobserv'd, take copious draughts of wine,
(The luscious produce of the purple vine,)
And get his cranium in a pretty funk,
Or get (in plainer English) screeching drunk.
Moreover he was fond of cards and dice,
(In latter days too prevalent a vice :)
Could swear, and run in debt, and when, forsooth,
Some luckless tradesman would request this youth,
"To have the condescension to discharge
His bill, which now was growing rather large-”
He'd kick his breech, or pluck the caitiff's hairs,
And knock him down a dozen pair of stairs.
-This to be sure now, was not very civil,
But shows that cassocks sometimes clothe the devil.

In the whispers of conscience its voice will be found,These pretty tricks, the reader may rely,

Nor e'en in the whirlwind of passion be drowned.
"Twill not soften the heart, but tho' deaf to the ear
"Twill make it acutely and constantly hear.
But in shade let it rest, like a delicate flower;
Oh! breathe on it softly-it dies in an hour.

DUCKS AND CHICKENS.

BYRON.

When Rowland Hill was erecting his chapel in Blackfriars Road, many of his congregation resorted to a Baptist's meeting-house in that neighbourhood: this the divine did not like; and one day when a number of his flock, who were passing to the house of ablution, stopped to look at the bricklayers employed in the building, some of the workmen, by asking them for money to drink, drove them away; but as they were going, Rowland cried to the carpenters, "Come lads, get on, get on; if you trifle in this way, all my

Could not be long conceal'd

From dame Inspection's penetrating eye,

But to the President were soon reveal'd.
In vain did he his hapless fate bewail;
In vain for pardon did the youth implore
(Which oft had been obtain'd by bribes before.)
Then dropt a piteons tear,
Nor prayers nor tears will now avail-
summon'd to appear.

High on his chair the reverend father sat,
In all the dignity of pride and fat;

High on his head his wig portentous frown'd,
The youth with dread beheld his awiul state-
Decider of his good or evil fate-

Whilst thus his words throughout the hall resound.
Young man-

As life is but a span,

« Zurück Weiter »

Books