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LETTER FROM A “ FIRST-FLOOR LODOER." Next, was the commanding--at the very
There are two lodged together.-SHAKSPEARE: and front" of The Morning Post.

Vicinity of ine Nec hospes ab hospite tutus.-Ovid.

fashionable squares !

!"-"Two persons, to increase Ąn Englishman's louse is his castle”—I grant society”-“ Family of condition"_and « Terms, at it, but, for his lodging, a comparison remains to be Mr. Sams's, the bookseller's.". butel. An Englishman's bouse may be his castle ; Then came the irresistible. “ Widow of an offibat that can only be whore he consents to keep the cer of rank"-" Unprotected early in life"" Dewhole of it of all earthly 'alliances and partnero, sirous to extend family circle"-" Flatters herself," ups into which mortal man is capable of being tre &c. zined, that which induces two interests to place Moonshine all together! mselves within four walls, is decidedly the most “ Desirable circle"-A bank clerk, and fire Wholy. It so happens tbat, throughout my life, 1 daughters who wanted husbands. Brandy and water are bad occasion only for half a house, and, from after supper, and booby from Devonshire snapt up Dutives of economy, have been unwilling to pay rent before my eyes. Little boy too in the family, that ora xbole one; but--there can be, on earth, i find, belonged to a sister who “ had died.” I hate scanw resting place for bim who is so unhappy as to dal ; but I never could find out where that sister bad *adt only * half a house !" In the course of the been buried. ** eight years, I have occupied one hundred and Fashionable square”—The fire, to the fryingsety-three different lodgings, running the gauntlet pan! The worst item-(on consideration)-in all wice through all London and Westminster, and my experience. Dishes without meat, and beds PETET than I can remember, the “out-parishes" without blankets. “ Terms,” “ two hundred guistvagn! As two " removes are as bad as a fire, it neas a-year,” and surcharges for night-candle. vides that I have gone 71 times and a half through And, as for dinner! as I am a Yorkshireman, I never de horrors of conflagration! And, in every place knew what it meant while I was in Manchester bere I have lived, it has been my fate to be domiciled Square ! *!!) a monster! But my voice shall be heard, as a I have had two step-mothers, and I was six months e upon the house-top, crying out until I find re at Mrs. Tickletoby's preparatory school, and I never

I bave been ten days already in the abode saw a woman since I was born cut meat like Sady at I now write from, so I can't, in reason, look to Catharine Skinflint! There was a transparency say more than three or four more. I hear people | about her slice which (after a good luncheon) one wis of " the grave" as a lodging (at worst) 'that a could pause to look at. She would cover you a tan is " sure of;" but, if there be one resurrection- whole plate with fillet of veal and hand, and not in. van alive when I die, as sure as quarter-day, I shall crease the weight of it half an ounce. #then up again.

And then the Misses SkinKints—for knowledge of Ibe frst trial I endured when I came to London, anatomy—their cutting up a fowl! - In the puniest

making the tour of all the boarding-houses— half-starved chicken that ever broke the heart of a se deluded, I believe, seriatim, by every per- brood hen to look at, they would find you side-bone, entre form of " advertisements."

pinion, drumstick, liver, gizzard, rump, and merryint, I was tried by the prelepce modest—this thought; and, even beyond this critical acquaintpptured in The Times all the year round. “De-ance with all admitted and apocryphal divisions tait le disele"-" Airy situation"_" Limited num and distinctions, I have caught the eldest of them requests" Every attention"-and “ do chil. actually inventing new joints, that, even in spacula.

tion, never before existed !

I now understand the meaning of the Persian sa conveyed myself and my property. Sore I shield lutation May your shadow never be less !” I lost stay for ever, and doubted whether I caght me mine entirely in about a fortnight that I staid at secure it at once for ten years instead of eue. Ant Lady Skinflint's.

before I had been settled in the bonse three quare: Two more hosts took me" at livery" (besides the of an hour, I found that the chimneyseves an “ widow" of the “ officer of rank”)--an apothe- of them! smoked from the top to the both cary, who made patients of his boarders, and an There was guilt in the landlord's eye, the man attorney, who looked for clients among them. I got the first puff drove me out of my drawing-rocan be away from the medical gentleman rather hastily, for made an effort to say something like “ damp ésy I found that the pastry-cook who served the house but the “amen" stuck in his throat. He could was his brother; and the lawyer was so pressing say “amen" when I did cry "God bless us 1. about discounts,” and “ investments of property,' whole building, from the kitchen to the gente that I never ventured to sign my name, even to a infected with the malady. I bad noticed den washing-bill, during the few days I was in his house i complexions of the family, and had concluded an On the quitting which, I took courage, and resolved were from the West Indies, -they were su to become my own provider, and bired a “ First dried !Floor,” accordingly (“: unfurnished') in the neigh

" Blow higit blow low ! bourhood of Bloomsbury Square.

I suffered six weeks under excuses, knowing that " Mutatio loci, non ingenii."

to be bumbug all the while. For a wbote spoon The premier coup of my new career amounted to an was “the wind ;" but I saw " the wind" to escape. I ordered a carte blanche outfit from an round the compass, and found, blow which way upholsterer of Piccadilly, determined to have my wouid, it still blew down my chimkey. The apartmerts unexceptionable before I entered them; came to “ Cures." First, there were alienations and discovered, after a hundred pounds laid out in the top-new chimney-pots, cowls, hores painting, decorating, and curtain fitting, that the making the thing worse. Then we tried at the bo "ground landlord” had certain claims which would tom-grates reset, and Aues contracted-stall ** be liquidated when my property “went in.” purpose. Then we came to burning chare

This miscarriage made me so cautious, that, before in four days I was in a decline. Toen we be L I could choose again, I was the sworn horror of doors and windows open ; und in one day 15-ia every auctioneer and house-agent (so called) is of the rheumatism. And in spite of doossam London. I refused twenty offers, at least, becausc dows, blowers, registers, os Coups Rumfordthey had the appearance of being “ great bargains." caution in putting on coals, or mathematical sist Eschewed all houses, as though they had the plague, ment of poker down the cnemy would evne ! in which I found that “ single gentlemen were pre very faces,-poof! poof! - as if in derisia! . ferred." Was threatened with three actions of de- prayed Heaven that smoke had life and best ** famation for questioning the solvency of persons in i might commit murder on it at once, axi - business. And, at length, was so lucký as to hit banged ; and, at length, after throwing erety D*** upon a really desirable mansion! The family" ble I could command at the grate and the chiras perfectly respectable ; but had “ more room ” than by turns, and paying "no cure no pay" bocor was necessary for them. Demanded the “strictest dozens, who did nothing but make dirt and sex references," and accepted no inmate for " less than I sent for a respectable surveyor, paid to be a year." Into this most unexceptionable abode 1 opinion beforehand, and heard that the fault i

chimajes was “ radical,” and not to be remedied gain by the change? “We know," the wise man bibout pulling the house down!

has said, “what we are ; but we know not what we I paid my twelvemonth's rent, and wished only may be.Eat my landlord might live through his lease. I in çstimating the happiness of householders, I had rund afterwards, that he had himself been imposed imagined all tenants to be like myself-mild, foron; and that the house, from the first fire ever bearing, punctual, and contented ; but I " kept wted in it, had been a scandal to the neighbour- house”, three years, and was never out of hot water pod. But whole volumes would not sulbce to enu the whole tine! I did manage, after some trouerate the variety of wretchedness — and smoky ble, to get fairly into a creditable mansion--just dizaics, the very lcast of them which drove me missing one, by a stroke of fortune, which had a

second time to change my plan of life; the num brazier's shop at the back of it, and was always estesa lodgings that I lived in; and the inconre- shewn at hours when the workmen were gone to dindances, greater or lesser, attending each. In oue ner-and sent a votice to the papers, that a bachelor ace, my servants quarrelled with the servants of sober habits, having a larger residence than he {"the people of the house." In another, “the wanted,” would dispose of half of it to a family of Paple of the house's" servants quarrelled with mine. respectability. But the live world seemed to be, lere, my housekeeper refused to stay, because " the and I think is, in-a plot to drive me out of my itchen was damp." There, my fuotmau begged senses. In the first ten days of my new dignity, I wall " provide myself," as there were rats in his was visited by about twenty tax-gatherers, baif of

luft." Then somebody fell over a pail of them with claims that I had bever heard of, and the ter, ka ft upon" my stairs ;" and "my maid” de other half with claims exceeding my expectations. wed, it was the other maid” had put it there. The householder seemed to be the minister's very tao tre cals fought; and I was assured that mine milch cow-the positive scape.goat of the whole ad given the first scratch. On the whole, the dis- community! I was called on fur honse-tax, windowples were so manifold, and always ending to my tax, land tax, servant's-tax! Poor's-rate, sewers'Evicomtore,- for the lady of the mansion would rate! I had to pay for watering streets or which ah me,-1 never could get the gentleman to be other people walked-for lighting lamps which other watisfied, (and so concluded the controversy by people saw hy--for waintaining watclimen who slept webing him down stairs, )---that seeing one clear ad. all night-and for building churches that I never stage naiolained by the ground-possessor, viz. went into. And-I never knew that the country

* I, when we squabbled, was obliged to vacate, was taxed till that moment !--thiese were but a few old he remained where he was, I resolved, once for of the “dues" to be shcared off from me. There

tos tum ttie tables upon mankind at Jarge, and I was the clergyman of the parish, whom I never saw, une a "landiord," and a “housekeeper," in my sent to me at Easter for “ an offering.' There was - turtoediate person.

the charity-school of the parish, solicited" the , the grey goose halk laid an egg.-- Sir, the honour" of my “ subscription and support." One bon doth need repair. The cook sweareth, the scoundrel came to inforni me that I was drawn for *** duc truth at the fire. - John Thomas is in the the militia ; and offered 10 " get me off," on pay79 und every thing stays on your arrivat." ment of a sum of money. Another rascal insisted

) vould not advise any single gentleman lastily that I was chosen constable;" anri actually brought I tonetade that he is in distress. Bachelors are the insigniu of office to niy door. Then I had peticalented, and take wives ; footmen are ambitious, tions to read (in writing) from all the people who uke cating-houses. What does either party chose to be in distress-personal beggars, who pene



trated into my parlour, to send to Bridewell, or were swindlers) finding something wrong about my otherwise get rid of. Windows were broken, and arrangenients! Gil Blas' mule, which was nothing " nobody” had “ done it.” The key of the street but faults, nerer had half so many faults as may be door was lost, and " nobody" had had it." Then Carlton Palace, if it were to be ** let" to-lento, my cook stopped up the kitchen "sink ;" and the would be objected to by a tailor. One man skal bricklayers took a month to open it. Then my gut my rooms "too small;" another thought them rat's ter ran over, and fooded my neighbour's garret; and "too large;" a third wished that they had been kuI was served with notice of an action for dilapida- tier; a fourth, that there had been more of the tion.

One lady binted a sort of doubt, "wbetiser to And, at Christmas !-Oh! it was no longer deal. acighbourhood was quite respectable ; " anotherden ing with otes and twos !-- The whole hundred, on “If I had any children;" and, then, " whether i the day after that festival, rose up, by concert, to would bind myself not to have any duriag her star devour me!

Two hundred, after detaining me an hour, had a'r. Dustmen, street-keepers, lamplighters, turncocks, only “ for friends." Ten thousand went through - postmen, beadles, scavengers, chimney-sweeps the particulars, and would " call again to-morza the whole pecus of parochial servitorship was at my At last there came a lady who gave the coup de pre gate before eleven at noon.

my “house-keeping; she was a clergy's > Then the "waits" came-two sets and fought dow, she said, froin Somersetshire-if she had be which should have " my bounty." Rival patroles an “officer's," I had suspected her; but, is site disputed whether I did or did not lie within their bour, I let her in; and-she had come for the " beat." At one time there was a doubt as to which, press purpose of marrying me! of two parishes, I belonged to; and I fully expected Every reader who has bowels, will yearn for : that (to make sure) I should have been visited by situation, the collectors from both! Meantime the knocker

Nolo conjugari! groaned, until very evening, under the dull, stun- i I exclaimed in agony; but what could serve a ning, single thumps-each villain would have struck, the ingenuity of woman? She seduced me-eta, although it had been upon the head of his own grand was hopeless-morning, noon, and night! She father! -of bakers, butchers, tallowchandlers, grocers, a mouse behind the wainscot, and I was called on fishmongers, poulterers, and oilmen! Every ruffian scare it. Her canary bird got loose-would I who made his livelihood by swindling me through good as to catch it? I fell "sick, but as soon ; the whole year, thought himself entitled to a peculiar to get well again ; for she sent five times a day benefaction (for his robberies) on this day. And ask if I was better ; besides pouring in plzzz“ Host! Now by my life I scorn the name !" blanc-mange, jellies, cordials, raspberry it

All this was child's play-bagatelle, I protest, and fruits fresh from the country, and hasty-jets “perfumed,” to what I had to go through in the made by her own hand. And at last, after I b "letting off” of my dwelling! The swarm of cro. sisted all the constant borrowing of boks, the etecodiles that assailed me, on every fine day-three- interchange of newspapers, and the daily repea fourths of them, to avoid an impending shower, or to crow-quills, the opinions upon wine, the cont pass away a stupid morning - in the shape of stale of hackney coachnen, and the recommendatma dowagers, city coxcombs, "professicnal gentlemen," barber to the poodle dog ;-atlass Ob! tee and "single ladies!". And all (except a few that leake all wrinkled stair carpets, stray pattede, and

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of oracge-peel dropped upon the ground! Mrs. Fvhere he was, up and down, all day. As it is sprained her ankle, and fell down at my very draw. I have sent an order to Seven Dials, to have an tag-room door!

early delivery' of all the “ Dying Speeches" for All the women in the house werc bribed-there the next ten years. I did this, in order that I may was not one of them in the way! My footman, my know when he is hanged-a fact I wish particularly way safeguard-was sent off that minute for a doc to ascertain, because his father and I had an altertor! I was not married; for so much, let Provi- cation about it. dence be praised !

Experience, however, gives lights; and a
Animus meminisse horret.

nished lodging” is the best arrangement among the I can go through the affair ! But, about six months bad. I had seven transitions last month, but that after, 1 presented Mrs, F-- with my house, and

was owing to accidents; a man who chooses well every thing in it, and determined never agait—as a

may commonly stay a fortnight in a place. Indeed, wan's only protection against female cupidity as I said in the beginning, I have been tea days pussess even a pair of small clothes that I could where I am ; and I don't, up to this moment, see legally call my own.

clearly what point I shall go away upon.

The mise Ultimum Supplicium.

tress of the house eutertains a pet monkey-failing This resolution campelled me to shelter myself in all issue of her own; and I have got a new footman, furnisbcd lodgings," where the most of accommo

who, I understand, plays upon the fiddle. The dation, (soblonasy!) after all, I believe is to be

matter, I suspect, will lic between these two. found. I had sad work, as you may imagine, to bor my way at first . Once I'ventured to inhabit He broke loose the other day. I saw liim escape

I am most nervous myself about the monkey. as there was no board in the case) with a surgeon. But, what betwecu the patients and the resurrection side of a middle-aged gentlemaní

, who was setting

over the next garden wall, and drop down by the neo, the " night bell” was intolerable ; and he ordered the watchman too, I found, to pull it pri- dent, took refuge in a summer-house ; and then be

polyanthoses ! The respectable man, as was prurately, six or seven times a week, in order to im- pulled up all thic polyanthuses; and then tried to get press the neighbourhood with an opinion of his prac

in at the summer-house window! I think thattice. From one place I was driven away by a music master, who gave concerts opposite to me; and, the room is full of smoke!- Why, what the devil

El!- Why, what the douce is all this?-Why, if a second, after two days abiding, I found that a mulman was confined on the second floor! Two call my new footmm.] – Tho-o-mas! - Why, some

--Thomas (1 ring the bell violenily] Thomas - [1 houses I left, because my hostesses made Jove to

rascal has set the house on fire, . Nice, because parrots were kept in the streets,

Enter TuomaS. Use, because a cock (who would crow all night)

Indeed no, your bonour-indeed — no- it's only Cabr to live in a yard at the back of me; and the chimney acher, in which I had staid two months (und

The chimney! you dog!--get away this moment would perhaps liave remained till now) because a tog of eight years old, there is to me no earthly gone! - Come back, I say,—what chimney is it?

and put it out.-Stay ! -Thomas ! — The villain's creature su utterly intolerable as a boy of eight years Thomas. Only the kitchen chimney, sir. ud-came home from school to pass the holidays.”

Only the kitchen chimney! you rascal, how did I had thoughts, I don't care who knows it—of taking you do it? hur off by poison; and bought two raspberry tarts, Thomas. I was only tuning my fiddle, your ho.

gire tim arsenic in, as I met him on the stairs, nour; and Mary, housemaid, Hung the rosin in the fire.

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