Abbildungen der Seite

the country but men of abilities.”—“Then,” an*erd she, “I suspect your lordship was smuggled.”

PA 1 NtEst, I'0TS AND ALL. A paintet was employed in painting a West dia ship in the river, suspended on a stage under v ship's stern. The captain, who had just got to the boat alongside, for the purpose of going hore, ordered the boy to let go the painter (the pe which makes fast the boat): the boy instantly out aft, and let go the rope by which the painter's ge was held. The captain surprised at the boy's sy, cricq out, “You lazy dog, why don't you go the painter?” The boy replied, “He’s gone, , pots and all.”

DeAN swift's DEA FX ess.

[merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors]

Ireland.” The landlady of the inn, hearing these words, when the doctor went down stairs with the mayor, hastened into the room, opened the box, took out the commission, and put a pack of cards in its place. When the doctor returned, he put his box into the portmanteau without suspicion, and the next morning sailed for Dublin. On his arrival he waited upon the Lord Lieutenant and Privy Council, to whom he made a speech relating to his business, and then presented the box to his i.o. but on opening it, there appeared a pack of cards with the knave of clubs uppermost. The doctor was petrified, and assured the company that he had a commission, but what was become of it he could not tell. The Lord Lieutenant answered, “Let us have another commission, we will shuffle the cards the meanwhile.” Before, however, the doctor could get his commission renewed, the Queen died.

[merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small]


Mr. Fox, on his canvass, having solicited a tradesman for his vote, the blunt elector replied, “I cannot give you my support; I admire your abilities, but d -n your principles " Mr. Fox instantly retorted, “My friend, I applaud your sincerity, but d—n your manners.”

Modeft N cRiticism.

When Churchill's Prophecy of Famine made its appearance, the sale was rather dail. Meeting his Publisher in the pit of one of the theatres, Churchil: asked him if he heard how it sold. The other told him the sale was extensive since the Reviewers *Tned it. “Aye,” says the poet, “ that is ful. filling the Scripture, “Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings I have ordained strength. ”


A Frenchman, on landing at Daver, went into a barber's shop to be shaved. The poor man's cheeks *ere so much collapsed, that the barber was under the necessity of thrusting his fingers into his customer's outh to assist the operation. “O mon Dieu, mon Pieu!" exclaimed the Frenchman, whilst the barbor x'as dashing away, “me be damnably cut.” “con. found your thin lantern jaws,” replied Strop, “I have cut my fingers cursedly through your cheek.”


A witty divine received an invitation to dinner written on the ten of hearts, by a young lady of seat beauty, merit, and fortune; on which the gentleman thought he had now a good opportunity to give the lady a distant hint of his hopes: he wrote therefore, the following Fines on the same card:“Your compliments, lady, I pray you sorbear, For old English service is mu'll more sincere; You've sent me ten hearts, but the tythe's only nine, So give me one heart, and take back t'other fline.”

CHR 1st IAN Ford 1 v EN Ess.

A Cantab having been affronted by the mayor,

"ho was a butcher, resolved to take an opportunity

[merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small][ocr errors][ocr errors][ocr errors][merged small]
[merged small][ocr errors][merged small][ocr errors][ocr errors][ocr errors][merged small]
[merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors]

The old gentleman was on his death-bed. The whole family, and Dick among the number, gathered around him.—“I leave my second son, Andrew,” said the expiring miser, “my whole estate, and desire him to be frugal.” “Andrew, in a sorrowful tone, as is usual on these occasions, prayed heaven to prolong his life and health to enjoy it himself. “I recommend Simon, my third son, to the care of his elder brother, and leave him beside four thousand pounds.” “Ab father,” cried Simon, (in great affliction to be sure) “may heaven give you life and health to enjoy it yourself.” At last, turning to poor Dick, “As for you, you have always been a sad dog; you'll never come to good; you'll never be rich ; I'll leave you a shilling to buy an halter.” “Ah! father,” cries Dick, without any emotion, “may heaven give you life and health to enjoy it yourself." Goldsmith

[ocr errors][merged small][merged small]

lady, do not be uneasy,” replied the peer, “for my part, I have long made up my mind only to #. half of what the town says.” LACONIC LETTER AND AN8w ER. Lord Bulkeley, on the morning subsequent to his marriage, communicated his happiness to his friend the Duke of Dorset in the following laconic epistle: “Dear Dorset, I am the happiest dog alive. - Yours, Bulkeley.” To which the answer was,

“Dear Bulkeley,
Every dog has his day. -
Yours, Dorset.”
An exe Knocked out.

Mr. Curran, the late celebrated Irish advocate, was walking one day with a friend, who was extremely punctilious in his conversation; hearing a person near him say curosity for curiosity, he exclaimed, “How that man murders the English language!” “Not so bad,” replied Curran, "he has only knocked an I out.”

In Ish hand Bill.

This is to certify, that I Daniel O'Flanaghan, am not the person that was tarred and feathered by the Liberty Mob on Tuesday last; and that I am ready to give twenty guineas to any one that will bet me fifty that I am the other man who goes by my name. Witness my hand, this 30th July.

DANIEL O'Flanao Han
LoNDoN clubs, in 1760.

The first club I entered, upon coming to town, was that of the Choice Spirits. The name was entirely suited to my taste; I was a lover of mirth, good-humour, and even sometimes of fun, from my childhood.

As no other passport was requisite but the payment of two shillings at the door, I introduced myself without farther ceremony to the members, who were already assembled, and had for some time begun upon business. The Grand, with a

mallet in his hand, presided at the head of the ut I could not avoid, upon my entrance, making of all my skill in physiognomy, in order to disco that superiority of genius in men who had take title so superior to the rest of mankind. I expro to see the lines of every face marked with st thinking; but though I had some skill in science, I could for my life discover nothing h pert simper, fat, or profound stupidity. My speculations were soon interrupted by Grand, who had knocked down Mr. Spriggins: song. I was, upon this, whispered by one of company who sat next me, that I should new something touched off to a nicety, for Mr. Spri; was going to give up Mad Tom in all its s Mr. Spriggins endeavoured to excuse himself; as he was to act a madman and a king, it wo possible to go through the part properly with crown and chains. His excuses were over-rele a great majority, and with much vociferation. president ordered up the jack-chain, and stead of a crown, our performer covered his with an inverted jordan. After he had ratile chaiu, and shook his head, to the great the whole company, he began his song. As heard few young fellows offer to sing in co, that did not expose themselves, it was to disappointment to me to find Mr. Spriggi the number ; however, not to seen an odd rose from my seat in rapture, cried out, Encore! and slapped the table as loud as the rest. The gentleman who sat next me scene: Pleased with my taste and the ardour of my bation; and whispering told me that I had an immense loss; for, had I conne a fesooner, I might have heard Gee-ho Dobbin a tip-top manner by the piniple-nosed spin president's right elbow but be was on before I came. As I was expressing my uneasones at appointment, I found the attenties, of the employed upon a sat figure, who, with a vo rough than the Staffordshire giant's, was giving us "The Softly Sweet, in Lydian measure,” of Alexander's Feast. After a short pause of admiration, to this succeeded a Welch dialogue, with the humours of Teague and Taffy ; after that came on Old Jackson, with a story between every stanza; next was sung the Dust-cart, and then Solomon's song. The glass began now to circulate pretty freely; those who •ere silent when sober, would now be heard in their turn; every man had his song, and he saw no reason why he bould not be heard as well as any of the rest: one begged to be heard while he gave Death and the Lady in high taste; another sung to a plate *hich he kept trundling on the edges; nothing wan now heard but singing ; voice rose above voice, and the whole became one universal shout, when the landlord came to acquaint the company that the reckoning was drunk out. Rabelais calls the moalents in which a reckoning is mentioned the most melancholy of our lives. Never was so much noise * quickly quelled, as by this short but pathetic oration of our landlord. Drunk out ! was echoed in a tone of discontent round the table: drunk out already that was very odd that so much unch could be drunk out already in possible ! he landlord, however, seeming resolved not to tetreat from his first assurances, the company were dissolved, and a president chosen for the right ensuing. A friend of mine, to whom I was complaining vomic time after of the entertainment I have been describing, proposed to bring me to the club that he torquented, which, he fancied, would suit the gravity of my teleper exactly. “We have at the Muzzy Gub," says he, “no riotous mirth nor awkward ntaldry; no confusion or bawling; all is conducted *ith wisdon, and decency : besides, some of our tembers are worth forty thousand pounds; men of Prudence and foresight every one of them : these are the proper acquaintance, and to such I will tonot introduce you,” I was charmed at the pro**al. To be acquainted with men worth forty Wousand pounds, and to talk wisdom the whole **, were offers that threw me into rapture.

At seven o'clock I was accordingly introduced by my friend, not indeed to the company ; for though I made my best bow, they seemed insensible of my approach, but to the table at which they were sitting. Upon my entering the room, I could not

avoid feeling a secret veneration from the solemnity

of the scene before me; the members kept a profound silence, each with a pipe in his mouth and a pewter pot in his hand, and with faces that night easily be construed into absolute wisdom. Happy society thought I to myself, where the members think before they speak, deliver nothing rashly, but convey their thoughts to each other pregnant with meaning, and matured by reflection. In this pleasing speculation I continued a full half hour, expecting each moincint that somebody would begin to open his mouth; every time the pipe was laid down I expected it was to speak ; but it was only to spit. At length, resolving to break the charm nuyself, and overcome their extreme diffidence, (for to this I imputed their silence) I rubbed my hands, and, looking as wise as possible, observed that the nights began to grow a little coolish at this time of the year. This, as it was directed to none of the company in particular, none thought himself obliged to answer; wherefore I continued still to rub my hands and look wise. My next effort was addressed to a gentleman who sat next me, to whom I observed, that the beer was extremely good : my neighbour made no reply, but by a large puff of tobacco smoke. I now began to be uneasy at this dumb society, till one of them a little relieved me by observing, that bread had not risen these three weeks. “Ay,” says another, still keeping the pipe in his mouth, “that puts me in mind of a pleasant story about that—hem—very well; you must know—but, before I begin—Sir, my service to you—where was I?” My next club goes by the name of the Harmonical Society; probably from that love of order and friendship which every person commends in institotions of this nature. The landlord was himself founder. The money o is four pence cach; and they solactines whip for a double reckoning. To

« ZurückWeiter »