the country but men of abilities."" Then," anred she," I suspect your lordship was smuggled." PAINTER, POTS AND ALL. A painter was employed in painting a West India ship in the river, suspended on a stage under be ship's stern. The captain, who had just got to the boat alongside, for the purpose of going whore, ordered the boy to let go the painter (the ope which makes fast the boat): the boy instantly ent aft, and let go the rope by which the painter's age was held. The captain surprised at the boy's elay, cried out, "You lazy dog, why don't you go the painter?" The boy replied, "He's gone, u, pots and all." DEAN SWIFT'S DEAFNESS. FISH AND FLESH. ardinal Wolsey, being one day in company with Courtiers, the conversation fell on the institution lent, when the Cardinal said the reason it took was, that the Apostles were fishermen and it tated the fish trade.-One of the courtiers aned, Well, Cardinal, when you are Pope you certainly strike it out of the calendar, for you Amber your father was a butcher." PERSECUTION PREVENTED. the end of Queen Mary's reign, a commission anted to one Dr. Cole, a bigoted papist, to go Ireland, and commence a fiery persecution at the Protestants of that kingdom. On coming xter, the doctor was waited upon by the mayor, wan he shewed his commission with great triumph, "Here is what shal, lash the heretics of Ireland." The landlady of the inn, hearing these words, when the doctor went down stairs with the mayor, hastened into the room, opened the box, took out the commission, and put a pack of cards in its place. When the doctor returned, he put his box into the portmanteau without suspicion, and the next morning sailed for Dublin. On his arrival he waited upon the Lord Lieutenant and Privy Council, to whom he made a speech relating to his business, and then presented the box to his Lordship; but on opening it, there appeared a pack of cards with the knave of clubs uppermost. The doctor was petrified, and assured the company that he had a commission, but what was become of it he could not tell. The Lord Lieutenant answered, "Let us have another commission, we will shuffle the cards the meanwhile." Before, however, the doctor could get his commission renewed, the Queen died. FLYING FROM CHURCH. A famous aeronaut once applied to a certain dean to grant him leave to ascend in an air balloon from the top of his cathedral. The prelate answered, that he could not comply with his request, it being contrary to his profession; as the tenor of his discourse was to induce people to come to church, and not to encourage them to fly from it LIVING A physician ordered a patient to live higher (i. e, more freely): the poor man mistook the doctor, and removed to the garret, where, unfortunately, he expired before his next visit. NEGRO WIT. A West Indian, with a remarkably fiery nose, having fallen asleep in his chair, a negro-boy, who was in waiting, observed a musquito hovering round his face. Quashi eyed the insect very attentively; at last he saw him alight on his master's nose, and immediately fly off. "Ah, d-n your heart," exclaimed the negro, "mne d-n glad to see you burn your foot." that coat?" The same people," said the shepherd, "that clothe you, the parish." The parson, nettled a little, sent his man back to ask the shepherd if he would come and live with him, for he wanted a fool. The man went to the shepherd, and delivered his master's 's message. "Are you going away then?" said the shepherd. "No," answered the other. "Then you may tell your master," replied the shepherd, his living wont maintain three of us..' " CHARLES II. AND MR. PENN. When Mr. Penn went to pay his respects to Charles II. that King observing that the Quaker did not remove his hat, took off his own hat, and stood uncovered before Penn; who said, "prithee, friend Charles, put on thy hat." "No," says the King, "friend Penn, it is usual for only one man to be covered here." A PRAYER TOO QUICKLY GRANTED. With folded hands, and lifted eyes, THE FORGETFUL MAN. When Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free; TAKING AT A WORD. A country rector one day gave his curate a list of the sick persons in the parish, in order that he might visit them. Soon after the rector inquiring about a poor woman, the curate replied that she was dead. The rector said that he had just then met her in the street; the curate, in bis defence, answered, that she told him the night before she could not live till the morning, and he supposed a woman going out of the world would not tell as untruth. AN EMPTY HEAD. James I. King of England, asking Lord Baco what he thought of the French ambassador; he answered, that he was a tall, proper man. As. replied the king," what think you of his headpiece i Is he a proper man for an ambassador?" *Sa. said Bacon, "tall men are like high houses, wher commonly the uppermost rooms are worst furnished LIVING TOO LONG A person who had just two thousand a year, beza unwilling to leave any thing to his heirs, resolved t spend, not only the annual income, but also t principal. He accordingly made a calculation, the he could not possibly live longer than fours(var years; but, happening to survive all, he found self reduced to beggary during the last half-dos years of his life; and actually begged charity fr door to door, whining out, "Pray give something! a poor man, who has lived longer than he expected." THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. the country but men of abilities."-" Then," anwered she, "I suspect your lordship was smuggled." PAINTER, POTS AND ALL. A painter was employed in painting a West DEAN SWIFT'S DEAFNESS. FISH AND FLESH, ardinal Wolsey, being one day in company with courtiers, the conversation fell on the institution eat, when the Cardinal said the reason it took was, that the Apostles were fishermen and it Boted the fish trade.-One of the courtiers anal, Well, Cardinal, when you are Pope you ertainly strike it out of the calendar, for you Huber your father was a butcher." PERSECUTION PREVENTED. the end of Queen Mary's reign, a commission granted to one Dr. Cole, a bigoted papist, to go Ireland, and commence a fiery persecution r the Protestants of that kingdom. On coming Ester, the doctor was waited upon by the mayor, he shewed his commission with great triumph, "Here is what shal lash the heretics of Ireland." The landlady of the inn, hearing these words, when the doctor went down stairs with the mayor, hastened into the room, opened the box, took out the commission, and put a pack of cards in its place. When the doctor returned, he put his box into the portmanteau without suspicion, and the next morning sailed for Dublin. On his arrival he waited upon the Lord Lieutenant and Privy Council, to whom he made a speech relating to his business, and then presented the box to his Lordship; but on opening it, there appeared a pack of cards with the knave of clubs uppermost. The doctor was petrified, and assured the company that he had a commission, but what was become of it he could not tell. The Lord Lieutenant answered, "Let us have another commission, we will shuffle the cards the meanwhile." Before, however, the doctor could get his commission renewed, the Queen died. FLYING FROM CHURCH. A famous aeronaut once applied to a certain dean to grant him leave to ascend in an air balloon from the top of his cathedral. The prelate answered, being that he could not comply with his request, contrary to his profession; as the tenor of his discourse was to induce people to come to church, and not to encourage them to fly from it SINCERITY VERSUS MANNERS Mr. Fox, on his canvass, having solicited a tradesman for his vote, the blunt elector replied, "I cannot give you my support; I admire your abilities,ing expressions: "And since, O Lord! thóa hast but d- -n your principles !" Mr. Fox instantly retorted, "My friend, I applaud your sincerity, but d-n your manners.' A witty divine received an invitation to dinner written on the ten of hearts, by a young lady of great beauty, merit, and fortune; on which the gentleman thought he had now a good opportunity to give the lady a distant hint of his hopes: he wrote therefore, the following lines on the same card :-"Your compliments, lady, I pray you forbear, For old English service is am.h more sincere ; You've sent me ten hearts, but the tythe's only mine, So give me one heart, and take back t'other nine." CHRISTIAN FORGIVENESS. A Cantab having been affronted by the mayor, who was a butcher, resolved to take an opportunity of being even with him; accordingly, when it came to his turn to preach before the corporation, in the prayer before the sermon he made use of the followcommanded us to pray for our enemies, bereit w beseech thee for the right worshipful the mayer give him the strength of Sampson, and the courage David; that he may knock down sin like an ox, and cut the throat of iniquity like a sucking-calf; and let his horn be exalted above his brethren." FAMILY WIT. The celebrated Lady Wallace, when a very yea girl, was romping near a mill-daw, and had often incautiously approached the brink of the water, wh her mother called to ber-" For God's sake, girl, more cautious, or you will most certainly tumble i the water and be drowned."—" I'll be damm'aðl do, mamma," replied the young punster. yours child," remarked her mother, "that wit of one day prove your ruin."-" I'm sure, then, it was be mother-wit," retorted the minx. DANGEROUS PRIZE An Irishman purchased the sixteenth of a loro ticket, for which he paid a guinea and a half. is few days it came up a prize of twenty pounds, on application at the lottery office, he received the and-twenty shillings for his share. "Well," Pat, "I'm glad it's no worse; as it was hota pound, I have only lost eight and sixpence, Int vi had been a twenty thousand I must have been ru LAWYERS' WIGS. A late attorney-general receiving a client, who intimate with him, in his library, the gentlemss pressed surprise at the number of wigs that lawyer; "that," pointing to a scratch, is my hanging up. "Yes, there are several," replamon business wig; that my chancery wig: house of lords wig; and that my court wig." pray, Sir, where is your honest men's wig ** replied the lawyer, that's not profesional.TM THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. SCOTCH TENACITY. When the affair of Lord Melville was brought for ward in the House of Commons, a gentleman mentioned in company that his Lordship had quitted his place. "Did you ever," said a lady present, "hear of a Scotchman quitting his place?" "Yes, Madam," replied the gentleman, "his native place,' IRISH ECONOMY. An Irish officer having lost a parcel of silk stockngs, sent a bellman about to offer a reward for them, hich was so small, that a friend observed he could ot expect to recover them; "Ah! by J-," says addy, "I advertised them as worsted ones." "THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOCS." A doctor coming to see his patient, inquired if he id followed bis prescription, "No, truly, Doctor," the man, "If I had, I should have broken my sk, for I threw it out of a two-pair of stairs window." ROYAL PREROGATIVE. George the First complained, on his arrival in gland, that the people did not understand property. his is a strange country," said his Majesty, "the morning after my arrival at St. James's, I looked the window, and saw a park with walks; a &c. which they told me were mine. The next Lord Chetwynd, the ranger of my paik, sent me brace of carp out of my canal; and I was told, st give five guineas to Lord Chetwynd's servant enging me my own carp out of my own canal, in park!” NOTE OP INTERROGATION. Fope, sucering af the ignorance of a young asked thim if he knew w at an interrogation "Yes, Sir," said he, "tis a little crooked that asks questions." ONE TOO MANY. aker, remarkable for his gallantry to the fair as one day walking with a handsome young ho remarked to him, that the &t of the day was oppressive; on which the Quaker recommended her to throw off a petticoat. The lady replied, "Between you and I, friend, I have but one on? "And between thee and me," replied Broad Brim, even that is one too many.” AN EQUIVALENT. When Quin was one day lamenting his growing old, a pert young fellow asked him what he would now give to be as young as he. "I would be con"to be as foolish." tent,” replied Quin, THE MISER'S DEATH-DED. The old gentleman was on his death-bed. The whole family, and Dick among the number, gathered around him." I leave my second son, Andrew," said the expiring miser, "my whole estate, and desire him to be frugal." Andrew, in a sorrowful tone, as is usual on these occasions, prayed heaven to prolong his life and health to enjoy it himself. "I recommend Simon, my third son, to the care of bis elder brother, and leave him beside four thou "Ah! father," cried Simon, (in sand pounds." great affliction to be sure) "may heaven give you life and health to enjoy it yourself." At last, turn"As for you, you have always ing to poor Dick, been a sad dog; you'll never come to good; you'll never be rich; I'll leave you a shilling to buy an halter." "Ah! father," cries Dick, without any emotion, “ may heaven give you life and health to enjoy it yourself," GOLDSMITH ONLY BELIEVE HALF A REPORT. When Miss Chudleigh, afterwards Duchess of Kingston, once met Lord Chesterfield in the rooms at Bath, they began to talk of the company present, and the lady was very communicative in her narrative of things said of Lady Caroline, Miss Languisness, &c. &c and concluded by remarking, "Yet much of this may be scandal; for, do you know, my lord, that since I was lately confined to my chan ber by illness, they have spread an infamous report of my being brought to bed of twins." "O, my dear |