Abbildungen der Seite


the country but nien of abilities.”_" Then," an Ireland." The landlady of the inn, hearing these swered she," I suspect your lordship was smuggled.” words, when the doctor went down stairs with the

mayor, bastened into the room, opened the box, took PAINTER, POTS AND ALL.

out the commission, and put a pack of cards in its A painter was employed in painting a West place. When the doctor returned, he put his box In dia ship in the river, suspended on a stage under into the portmanteau without suspicion, and the the ship's stern. The captain, who had just got next morning sailed for Dublin. On bis arrival he 13 to the bont alongside, for the purpose of going waited upon the Lord Lieutenant and Privy Council, asbore, ordered the boy to let go the painter (the to whom he made a speech relating to his business, Tope which makes fast the boat): the boy instantly and then presented the box to his Lordship; but on went aft, and let go the rope by which the painter's opening it, there appeared a pack of cards with the stage was held. The captain surprised at the boy's krave of clubs uppermost. The doctor was petrified, delay, cried out, You lazy dog, why don't you and assured the company that he had a commission, let go the painter ?” The boy replied, " He's gone, but what was become of it he could not tell. The Sus, pots and all."

Lord Lieutenant. answered, “Let us hare another DEAN SWIFT'S DEAFXESS.

commission, we will shufile the cards the meanwhile." D-af, giddy, belpless, left alone,

Before, however, the doctor could get liis commission

renewed, the Queen died.
To all niy friends a burthen grown,
No more I hear my church's bell
Than if it rang out for my knell :
At thunder now no more I start,

A famous aeronaut once applied to a certain dean

to grant bim leave to ascend in an air balloon from Than at the rumbling of a cart:

the top of bis cathedral. The prelate answered, Nay, what's incredible, alack !

that he could not comply with his request, it being I hardly hear a woman's clack.

contrary to his profession; as the tenor of bis disa

course was to induce people to come to church, and Cardinal Wolsey, being one day in company with

not to encourage them to fly from it bis courtiers, the conversation fell on the institution

iivis of Lebt, whea the Cardinal said the reason it took place was, that the Apostles were fishermen and it A physician ordered a patient to live higher (i.c. munoted the fish trade. One of the couriers an

more freely): the poor man mistook the doctor, and thered, " Well, Cardinal, when you are Pope you removed to the garret, where, unfortunately, he exe 'l certainly strike it out of the calendar, for you pired before his next visit. fi pembes your father was a butcher.” PERSECUTION PREVENTED.

A West Indian, with a remarkably fiery rose, At the end of Qucen Mary's reign, a commission having fallen asleep in his chair, a negro-böy, who * granted to one Dr. Cole, a bigoted papist, to go was in waiting, observed a musquito hovering round

to Ireland, and commence a fiery persecution his face. Quashi eyed the insect very attentively; E4:ant the Protestants of that kingdoni. On coming at last he saw him alight on his master's nose, and *Clieter, the doctor was wnited upon by the mayor, immediately Ay off. « Ah, d-n your beart," ex

simona be shewed his comunission with great triuniph, claimed the negro, "me den glad to see you burn **ng" flere is what shali lash the heretics of your foot,"







of being even with him ; accordingly, when it care Mr. Fox, on his canvass, baring solicited a trades. | to his tum to preach before the corporation, in the man for his vote, the blunt elector replied, " I can prayer before the sermon he made ase of the follow not give you my support; I admire your abilities, ing expressions : " And since, O Lord! thua bent but do your principles !” Mr. For instantly re

commanded us to pray for our enemies, herein as torted,

My friend, I applaud your sincerity, but beseech thee for the right worshipful the mayor d-n your manners.'

give him the strength of Sampson, and the couragod David ; that he may knock down sin like an or, and

cut the throat of iniquity like a suckit.g-call; and let When Churchill's Prophecy of Famine made its his horn be exalted above his brethren.' appearance, the sale was rather duil. Meeting his publisher in the pit of one of the theatres, Churchill

FAMILY WIT. asked him if he heard how it sold. The other told The celebrated Lady Wallace, when a very you him the sale was catensive since the Reviewers girl, was romping near a mill-dan, and had often rey d-ned it. " Aye," says the puet, “ that is fulo incautiously approached the brink of the water, when filling the Scripture, Out of the mouths of babes and her mother called to be "For God's sake, girl, be sucklings I have ordained strength.''

more cautious, or you will most certainly tumble in

the water and be drowned,"%" I'll be damn'a il! A Frenchman, on landing at Daver, went into a

du, mamma,” replied the young punster, “Ok! barber's shop to be shaved. The poor man's cheeks child," remarked her

mother, " that wit of your vid were so much collapsed, that the barber was under one day prove your ruin."_" I'm sure, then, it wont the necessity of thrusting his fingers into his customer's be mother-wit," retorted the minx.

: mouth to assist the operation. “O mon Dicu, top Dieu !” exclaimed the Frenchman, whilst the barber was dashing away, me be damnably cul."

An Irishman purchased the sixteenth of a lottery found your chin lantem jaws,' replied Strop, “I have ticket, for which he paid a guinea and a halt. In cut my fingers cursedly through your cheek.'

few days it came op a prize of twenty pounds, we

on application at the lottery office, he receised that THE TYTHE HEART. .

and-twenty shillings for his share. “Well," sama A witty divine received an invitation to dinner Pal, “ I'm glad it's no worse; as it was but a renty written on the ton of hearts, by a young lady of pound, I have only lost eight and sixpence; but if : great beauty, merit, and fortune ; on which the gen. had been a twenty thousand I must have been ruired. tleman thought he had now a good opportunity to give the lady a distant hint of bis biopes : he wrote

LAWYERS' wigs. therefore, the following lines on the same card : A late attorney-general receiving a client, who wa “ Your compliments, lady, I pray you forbear,

intimate with bim, in his library, the gentlemen man Fur old English service is tuli more sincere;

pressed surprise at the number of wigs that You've sent me ten hearts

, but the ty thie's only nine, hanging up: “Yes, there are several," teplies ther! So give me one heart, and take back t'other nine."

Jawyer; "that," pointing to a scratch, is tuya

mon business wig', that iny chancery wig:iketay CHRISTIAN FORGIVENESS.

bouse of lords wig; and that my court wig." A Cantab laving been affronted by the mayor, pray. Sir, where is your honest man's wig ** who was a butcher, resolved to take an opportunity I replied the lawyer, “chat's not professional.**


« Con

[ocr errors]



was oppressive ; on which the Quaker recommended When the affair of Lord Melville was brought for her to throw off a petticoat. The lady replied, Tard in the House of Communs, a gentleman men

“ Between you and I, friend, I have but one on tined in company that bis Lordship had quitted his

“ And between thee and me,” replied Broad Brim, place. Did you ever,'' said a Indy present, “ hear

even that is one too many." v a Scotchmari quitting his place?" "Yes, Madam,"

AN EQUIVALENT. teplied the gentlemau, "his native place.”

When Quin was one day lamenting his growing

old, a pert young fellow askea bim what he would An Irish officer having lost a parcel of silk stock.

now give to be as young as he." I would be con

“ to be as foolish." inga, sent a bellmau about to offer a reward for them, tent," replied Quin, which was so small, that a friend observed he could

THE MISER'S DEATH-DED. tot expect to recover them; " Ah! by J-," says Paddy," I advertised them as worsted ories."

The old gentleman was on his death-bed. The * TIROW PHYSIC TO THE DOCS."

whole family, and Dick among the number, gathered

around him. ." I leave my second son, Andrew,” A doctor coming to see his patient, inquired if he said the expiring miser, “my whole estaie, and hvad followed tis prescription, '“ No, truly, Doctor," desire him to be frugal.” Andrew, in a sorrowful wid the nan, “ If I had, I should have broken my tone, as is usual on these occasions, prayed heaven Leck, for I threw it out of a two-pair of stairs window." to prolong his life and health to enjoy it himseli. ROYAL PREROGATIVE.

I recommend Simon, my third son, to the care of

bis elder brother, and leave him beside four thou. George the First complained, on bis arrival in sand pounds.” Ab! father," cried Simon, in Lozland, that the people did not understand property, great affliction to be sure) "may heaven give you "This is a strange country,” said his Majesty, the life and health to enjoy it yourself.” At last, turrifirst morning after my arrival at St. James's, I looked ing to poor Dick, " As for you, you have always ut at the window, and say a park with walks; a

been a sad dog ; you'll never come to good; you'll Goal. &e. which they told me were mine. The next

never be rich ; I'll leave you a shilling to buy an day lord Chetwynd, the ranger of my park, sent me halter." « Ah! father," cries Dick, without any

line brace of carp out of my canal, and I was told, emotion,“ may heaven give you life and health to I must give tive guineas to Lord Chetwyod's servant

cnjoy it yourself.” for wricging me ry mon carp out of my own canal, in tay veis park!


When Miss Chudleigh, afterwards Duchess of Mr. Pope, specring at the ignorance of a young Kingston, once met Lord Chesterfield in the rooms Sat, asked thiru if he knew w at an interrogation at Bath, they began to talk of the company present, at " Yes, Sir," said he, “ 'is a little crooked and the lady was very coinnunicative in her narraSing that asks questions."

live of things said of Lady Caroline, Miss Languisness, &c. &c and concluded by remarking, “Trt

much of this may be scandal ; for, do you know, my A Quaket, remarkable for his gallantry (o the fair lord, that since I was lately confined to my chan.ber

w one day walking with a handsome young by illness, they have spread an infamous report of Hoyadeo re marked tu hiin, that the act of the day'my being brought to bed of twins.” “0, my deur

[ocr errors]




[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]

For an undertaker—“Grave undertakings,' “I undertake grave subjects.” For a first-rate singer—“I’ve cash'd my notes " For a lamplighter—“Exalted Ishine;” or, “Brilliant eraltation.” For a news-crier-‘‘My fame makes a noise!” For a tobacconist—“Smoke ascends;” or, “Substantial smoke.” For a watchmaker—“Wound to the highest pitch;” or, “Take nate of Time.” For a carpenter—“Plain dealings, or, “Augur well.” For a resurrection man—“Mors junua vitae; “Death is life to me.” For an auctioneer—“Repeated knockings down set me on my legs.” “For a tailor—“Suit your measures to all men;” or, “My goose laid golden eggs.” Officers of Excise, &c.—“Collections and selfrecollections.” For a distiller—“My spirits rise !” or, “Spirits at full proof.” For a cider merchant—“How sweet is expression.” For a navy agent—“Commissions, but no selfomissions.” For a lawyer—“The soit that fits me best is a Chancery suit.” For a manufacturer of looking-glasses—“The true mirror of fashion.” For a distributor of handbills- “A literary character.” For a banker—“ Count Discount.” For the Master of the Hummums—“ Knight of the Bath.” For the keeper of Bedlan—“Knight of the Crescent.” For a merchant—“No change like exchange.” For a coachmaker—“The Wheel of Fortune.” For a butcher—“ Killing brings me to life.”

[ocr errors]
[merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small]

As fiddlers and archers who cunningly know
The way to procure themselves merit
Will always provide them two strings to their t-
And manage their bus'ness with spirit.
So likewise the provident maiden should do.
Who would make the best use of her i.e. > *-, .
If her mark she would hit, or her lesson play G.
Two lovers must still be on duty. -
Thus arm'd against Chance, and secure of surro
Thus far our revenge we may carry --
One spark for our sport, we may jilt and set to
And t'other, poor soul, we may marry.

[ocr errors][merged small]
[ocr errors]

Should Jack's wife die, he would be a fell,

have --

rtists of wir.

In 1809, Sir Richard Phillips, the publisher, being * to print a new edition of the “Encyclopedia of Wit," resolved to test the whole by two separate mind, and gave to two very ingenious men a copy of * work, requesting each to erase the articles *hich did not strike him as piquant. They per*ed their tasks, and on returning their copies, the ole; found, to his utter astonishment, that, with ***ceptions, each had crased what the other had oned, so that by their joint erasures, not a twenoth part of the original book remained. Confounded o the result, he now submitted the book to a third *wn, and he retained nearly every article which *9thors had erased, and struck out all that they * retained. He was now reminded of the fable of The Man, his Son, and the Ass,” and perceiving at it was vain to endeavour to please every one, he 2nnted his book without alteration, leaving it to his *I readers to seek pleasure from the mass, each cording to his own fancy.

[merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small]
[ocr errors][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small]
« ZurückWeiter »