THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

physician being in a tavern one evening, a ges tleman entered in great haste, exclaiming, my wife is at the point of death, make haste, come Doctor, however" replied the Doctor. The man happened to with me.' "Not till I have finished my bottle, useless, snatched up the Doctor, hoisted him on be a fine athletic fellow, and finding the enneaty back, and carried him out of the tavern the w ment he set the Doctor upon his legs, he receiwr } from him the following threat: "Now, you reser. I'll cure your wife in spite of you."

A gentleman once playing at cards, was guilty of an odd trick; on which the company, in the wa of their resentment, threw him out of the windo a one pair of stairs room The sufferer meeusg friend some time after, was loudly complaining ef this usage, and asked what he should do said the other," why never play so high again.

TESTS OF WIT.

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

In 1809, Sir Richard Phillips, the publisher, being Encyclopedia about to print a new edition of the " of Wit," resolved to test the whole by two separate minds, and gave to two very ingenious men a copy of the work, requesting each to erase the articles which did not strike him as piquant. They perormed their tasks, and on returning their copies, the ublisher found, to his utter astonishment, that, with w exceptions, each had erased what the other had tained, so that by their joint erasures, not a tweneth part of the original book remained. Confounded y the result, he now submitted the book to a third rson, and he retained nearly every article which others had erased, and struck out all that they id retained. He was now reminded of the fable of The Man, his Son, and the Ass," and perceiving tt it was vain to endeavour to please every one, he Printed his book without alteration, leaving it to his etal readers to seek pleasure from the mass, each ording to his own fancy.

IRISH COURAGE.

1565, the Earl of Desmond, a fierce and powerful eftain, made an inroad on the possession of ButEarl of Ormond, when in the course of the war, former was wounded and taken prisoner. As the adierians conveyed him from the field, stretched bier, his supporters exclaimed, with natural kph. Where now is the great lord of Des"Where," replied Desmond, "but in his er place?-Still on the necks of the Butlers."

DRYDEN'S WIFE.

This lady one day complained to her husband, that he was always reading, and took little notice of her, and finished by saying she wished that she was a book, and then she should enjoy his company. "Yes, my dear," says Dryden, "I wish you were a book,-but an Almanack I mean, for then I should change you every year."

ON THE MARRIAGE OF AN OLD MAID,

Chloe, a coquet in her prime,

The vainest ficklest thing alive;
Behold the strange effects of time!
- Marries and doats at forty-five.
Thus, weather-cocks, who for awhile
Have turn'd about with every blast,
Grown old, and destitute of oil,

Rust to a point, and fix at last.

ON MISS FURY, BY LORD CHESTERFIELD.
To look like an angel, the ladies believe,
Is the greatest of blessings that Heaven can give;
But on earth, believe me, fair nymphs, I assure ye,
The blessing's far greater to look like a Fury.

A RHAPSODY.

As I walk'd by myself, I said to myself,
And myself said again to me;
Look to thyself, take care of thyself,
For nobody cares for thee.

Then I said to myself, and then answered myself:
With the self-same repartee;

Look to thyself, or look not to thyself,
'Tis the self-same thing to me.

THE HUNGRY DISPUTE.

A hungry Frenchman one day went into a cook's shop, and there staid till his stomach was satisfied with the smell of the victuals. The cook insisted on his paying for a dinner, which the Frenchman refused to do; and the dispute growing high, it was agreed to refer the decision of it to the first man who passed that way. This happened to be a chimney sweeper, who, on hearing the case, determined that the Frenchman's money should be shaken between two empty dishes, and the cook be satisfied with the gingling of it, as the poor man was content with the smell of the cook's meat..

CEREMONY.

A lady once invited Dean Swift to dinner, and as she had heard he was not easily pleased, she had taken a month to provide for it: every delicacy was accordingly procured. The Dean was scarcely seated before the lady said she was sincerely sorry that she had not a more tolerable dinner, since she was apprehensive there was not any thing fit for him to eat. "The deuce take you," said the Dean, why did you not provide a better, surely you had tire enough; but since you say it is so bad, I'l e'en go home and eat a herring."

DOG LATIN

GOLDEN GOOSE.

When an English lady was some years ago on the continent, she stopped at an inn in French Flanders, which was the sign of the Golden Goose; but, *riving late, she ordered but a slight repast for herself and suite, which consisted of only five servants. In the morning, when the landlord presented his bill, she was much surprised at one general item, of "Expenses for the night, fourteen Louis D'ors." In vain did she remonstrate; the artful Fleming knew her generous character, and was positive. The money was accordingly paid. When she was preparing to depart, the landlord attended her to her carriage? and, expressing many thanks, hoped be should have the honour of her company on her re

turn.

"Why, possibly you may," said the lady. "but it must be on one condition-that you do not again mistake me for your sign.”

TIT FOR TAT.

Old Time kills us all

Rich, poor, great and small,

And 'tis therefore we rack our invention, Throughout all our days,

In finding out ways,

To kill him, by way of prevention.

BROTHERLY LOVE.

An avaricious divine seeing a poor boy in a dr

As Lady Mary Wortley Montague was walking plorable condition, called him to the door: a through the gardens at Stow with a party, she was mach teased by an impertinent young coxcomb, who giving him a mouldy piece of bread, asked him was continually making some foolish observations to he could read, to which he answered in the negative. her. On coming to one of the temples, over which to the questions, whether he could say the Beir there was an inscription, she said, "be kind enough" Well," said the divine, "I will teach you that and the Lord's Prayer, the answer was the said: to explain that inscription to us."-" Madam," said the fop, I really do not know what it means, for I see it is dog Latin."-"How very extraordinary it is," said Lady Mary, "that puppies do not under stand their own language!"

THE MAN OF FASHION'S DIARY.

I laugh, joke, quarrel, fiddle, dance, game, drink,
Do all that mortal man can do--but think

say after me: Our father," said the instruct "Our father!" repeated the poor boy ** W* your father as well as mine ?" "Yes, certainly

Then we are brothers!" "To be sure we an, was the reply. "Why then," replied the bo pulling the crust from under his coat," how cour you give your poor brother this mouldy piece e bread?"

GRATITUDE.

A parson, well known in his neighbourhood as a an of great oddity, humour, and equally great. xtravagance, once wanting a new wig, his old ne defying all farther assistance of art, he applied

a barber, young in the business, to make him a. The tradesman, who was just going to dinner, ged the honour of his new customer's company at meal, to which the parson readily consented. fter dinner a large bowl of punch was produced, d the happy guest, with equal readiness, joined in

demolition. When it was out the barber was acceding to business, and began to handle his meae, when his guest desired him to desist, saying he ould not make his wig. "Why not!" exclaimed the Best host; "have I done any thing to offend Sir?""Not in the least," replied the guest; find you are a very honest, good-natured fellow; will take somebody else in. Had you made it, would never have been paid for it."

WHOLESOME DOCTRINE

When one who stood next, straight replied, with some gail

Ah! that is the Devil" the wag said, "I swear; "What is there to see, where there's nothing at all? open one's purse, and to see- —nothing there!"

Το

SARAH DUCHESS OF MARLBOROUGH. before his death, paid a visit to Sarah Duchess of When the proud Duke of Somerset, a little time Marlborough, she insisted on his drinking with her glass of tokay, which had been presented to her hus band by the emperor. He assented, and she adMy lord, I consider your grace drinking a glass of wine with me as a very gh honour, and I will beg leave to propose two healths, the most unpopular imaginable, and which would drink here is your health and MINE." nobody in the three kingdoms, except ourselves

dressed him as follows: "

EPITAPH ON CHARLES II.

Charles once said over his bottle, that he supposes some stupid peasant would write a nonsensical epitaph on him when he was A Welch parson, after divine service. used to Majesty, "I should like to have something appro gone,--"Now," says his fat cudgels with his parishioners in the church-priate and witty,-Rochester, let's have a touch of your pen on the subject." His Lordship obeyed the command, and produced the following:

3, which being told to the bishop of the diocese, he severely reprimanded: in his defence the parson that he took pains to instil the word of God them in the church, but as that would not do, he avoured to beat it into them in the church-yard.

THE MOUNTEBANK AND THE DEVIL. untebank once, it is said, at a fair, ake the wise gentry that crowded it stare, ested, in spite of the Church's decree,

hoever chose it the devil should see common a sight who would think to forego? devil seem'd in then, they all scrambled so! e, sith mouth very wide, au old purse, very long, held out by this sorc'rer, and shook to the throng

bud people," he holloa'd, “your eyes now unfold,

say if within any thing you behold ?"

:

"Here lies our Sovereign Lord the King,
Whose promise none relied on;
Who never said a foolish thing,
And never did a wise one."

DR. FRANKLIN'S GRACE

The Doctor when a child found the long graces used by his father before and after meals very te dious. One day after the winter's provision had been salted, "I think, Father," said Benjamin, “if all, it would be a great saving of time." you were to say grace over the whole cask once for

THREE FOOLS.

A proud parson and his man, riding over a com mon, saw a shepherd tending his flock in a new coat: the parson asked in a haughty tone, who gave him