Abbildungen der Seite
PDF
EPUB

ZEAL FOR PUBLIC WORSHIP

THE TOUCHSTONE

TOO CIVIL BY KALF. A few years ago the Isle of Sheppey being an in. The Duke of Grafton was one day foz-bunting considerable parish, and the income not very large, near Newmarket, when a quaker, at some distance their vicar came there but once a month. The pa upon an adjoining eminence, pulled off bis luat az rishioners being much displeased with this, desired gave a loud halloa! The huunds immediately cau their clerk to remind him of his duty. The clerk to him, and being drawn off the scent, were conse told the vicar the sense of the parishioners; and the quently at fault, which so enraged the duke, that reply was, " Well, well, tell them, if they will give gallopping up to the offender, be asked, in an anco me ten pounds a year more, I will come to them once tone, “ Are you a quaker :" "I am, friend,'* *as a fortnight; and be şure, Jonathan, to let me know

the reply.
Well, then,” rejuined his

grace, their answer the next time I come.” The next time you never pull off your hat to a Christian, I wil he did come, he accordingly asked, and Jonathan thank you in future not to pay that complimncut la a answered, “Sir, they say, if you will excuse them fox." ten pounds a year in their tithes, they will dispense

A GOOSE'S REASON with your coming at all."

A Goose, my grannum one day said

Entering a barn pops down its head;
A Fool and Knave, with different views

I begg'd ber then the cause to show:
For Julia's hand apply ;

She told me she must waive the task,
The Knave to mend his fortune sues,

For nothing but a goose would ask, 'The Fool to please his eye.

What notbing but a goose could know.
Ask you how Julia will behave?

A DOCTOR'S REVES CE.
Depend on't for a rule,
If she's a Fool, she'll wed the Knave

physician being in a tavern one evening, a gora If she's a Knave, the Fool.

tleman entered in great haste, exclaiming, ** Doctor, my wife is at the point of death, make baste, com

with me.” “ Not till I have finisbed my boutir, It was once observed to Lord Chesterfield, in the however " replied the Doctor. The man happened to course of conversation, that man is the only creature

be a fine athletic fellow, and finding the entreaty that is endowed with the power of laughter. " True,"useless, snatched up the Doctor, hoisted him and said the earl, " and you may add, perhaps, he is the back, and carried him out of the tavern we z only creature that deserves to be laughed at." ment he set the Doctor upon his legs, he receives

from him the following threat: “ Now, you raiz,

I'll cure your wife in spite of you." A Man of Wales, betwixt St. David's day and

HIGH PLAY. Easter, Ran in his hostess' score, for cheese great store A gentleman once playing at cards, was guilty

an odd trick ; on which the company, in the war His hostess chalks it up behind the door ;

of their resentment, threw him out of the windo.* And says, for cheese, come, Sir, discharge this a one pair of stairs room The sufferer meetis

friend some time after, was loudly compiai: ad Cot zounds, quoth he, what meaneth these? this asage, and asked what lie should do D'ye think, hur know not chalk from cheese? said the other," why neret play so high again.

HUMAX FRAILTY.

ON A WELSHMAN

a tester:

score

XODLE BOXING.

ORATOR HENLEY.

AGED CALLANTRY.

made the Doctor a profound bow, saying, “ Doctor, The late Lord Peterborough having been grossly his drift, inmediately pulled off his beaver, and re

I

am yours to my shoe time.” The Doctor, seeing insuited by a carpau, deliberately stripped, and gave the fellow such a drubbing, that he could scarcely

turned the bow, with, My lord, I am yours to the ove a limb. A man seeing the transaction, caine

ground." Rochester followed up his salutation by a up at the conclusion of the affray, and asked the deeper bow, saying, Dr. I am yours to the centre. aan if he knew the person with whom he had been Barrow, with a very lowly obeisance, replied, ". My horing was a lord ? " A lord ” says the fellow, "a

lord, I am yours to the Antipodes.' His lordship, wurd: they may call him what they please, and be nearly gravelled, exclaimed, “ Doctor, I am yours may be what he will, but I am sure, from the weight to the lowest pit of Hell.”—“ There, my lord," said of that leaden fist of his that his father must have Barrow, sarcastically, “I leave you," and walked off. been a drayman."

“I never," said a person, who knew little about A gallant old gentleman of the name of Page, find

the doctor, saw Orator Henley but once, and that ing a young lady's glove at a watering place, pre

was at a Coffee house, where a gentleman be unted it to her with the following words :

was acquainted with coming in, and seating himself

in the same box, the following dialogue passed be"If from your glove you take the letter G

tween them : Your glove is love, which I devote to thee :"

Henley. Pray what is become of our old frienā To which the lady returned the following neat Smith ? I have not seen him for several years. answer:

Gentleman. I really don't know. The last time "If from your Puge you take the letter P,

I heard of him be was at Ceylon, or some of our Your Page is age, and that won't do for me." settlements in the West Indies.

Henley (with some surprise). At Ceylon, or soma Father Petre endeavoured to convert the Duke of Sir, in one sentence there are two mistakes. Ceylon

of our settlements in the West Indies! My good Buckingham.

" Out of our Church,” says the priest, i pone can be saved."'--" And all in it will Dutch ; and it is situated nul in the West but the

is not one of our settlements, it belongs to the the damned," said his grace,

“ You want charity,” East Indies! 1958 the priest. Quite as much as your reverence,

Gentleman (with some heat). That I deny. implied the duke.

Henley. More shame for you! I will engage to CHAROR'S GRATITUDE.

bring a boy of eight years wê age who will confute A Quack to Charon would his penny pay

you. The grateful ferryman was beard to say,

Gentleman (in a cooler tone of voice). Well, be Retan, Hell's friend ! and live for ages more,

it where it will, I thank God I know very little about Or i must hawl my useless boat ashore.

these sort of things.

Henley. What, you thank God for your ignoOVER POLITENESS.

rance, do you? The Earl of Rochester meeting Isaac Barrow in Gentleman (in a violent rage). I do. Sir; what te park, told his companions that he would have then ? Hartan fun with the rusty old put. Accordingly, he Henley, Sir, you have a great deal to be thank.

up with grcat grarily, and, taking off bis hat, ful for,

DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.

CAE HUNGRY DISPUTE.

CEREMONY.

GOLDBN GOOSE. A hungry Frenchman one day went into a cook's When an English lady was some years ago on the shop, and there staid till his stomach was satisfied continent, she stopped at an inn in French Flanden, with the smell of the victuals. The cook insisted on which was the sign of the Golden Goose; but, his paying for a dinner, which the Frenchman refused riving late, she ordered bat a slight repast for hendi to do; and the dispute growing high, it was agreed and suite, which consisted of only five servants. ta to refer the decision of it to the first man who passed the morning, when the landlord presented his bil, that way. This happened to be a chimney sweeper, she was much sorprised at one general item, who, on hearing the case, determined that the French-" Expenses for the night, fourteen Louis D'on. I man's money should be shaken between two empty vain did she remonstrate ; the artful Fleming ke disbes, and the cook be satisfied with the gingling her generous character, and was positive. of it, as the poor man was content with the smell of money was accordingly paid. When she was pre the cook's meat.

paring to depart, the landlord attended ber to ber carriage? and, expressing many thanks, hoped be

should hare the honour of her company on ber me A lady once invited Dean Swift to dinner, and as turn. “Why, possibly you may," said the lady, she had heard he was not easily pleased, she had “ but it must be on one condition—that you do to! taken a month to provide for it: every delicacy was again mistake me for your siyo." accordingly procured. The Dean was scarcely seated before the lady said she was sincerely sorry

TIT FOR Tat: that she had not a more tolerable dinner, since she

Old Time kills us all *as apprehensive there was not any thing fit for him

Rich, poor, great and small, “ l'he deuce take you," said the Dean,

And 'tis therefore we rack our inspirtive, " why did you not provide a better, surely you had

Throughout all our days, tire epough; but since you say it is so bad, I'

In tinding out ways, e'en gu hoone and eat a herring."

To kill him, by way of preventiun.

BROTHERLY LOVE. As Lady Mary Wortley Montague was walking

An avaricious divine seeing a poor boy in aathrough the gardens at Stow with a party, she was plorable condition, called bim to the door and much teased by an impertinent young coscomb, who giving him a muuldy piece of bread, asked him ir was continually making some foolish observations to

he could read, to which he answered in the pegative, her. On coming to one of the temples, over which

to the questions, whether he could say the Best there was an inscription, she said, “be kind enough and the Lord's Prayer, the answer was the same to explain that inscription to us." _"Madam,” said

“ Well,” said the disine, " I will teach you that, the fop, " I really do not know what it mearís, for I say after me: Our father," said the insiruetat. see it is dog Latin."-"How very extraordinary it

Our father !" repeated the poor boy " Whe is," said Lady Mary, “ that puppies do not under

your father as well as mine :** " Yes, certainly stand their own lay.guage !"

** Then we are brothers !"

“ To be sure we are,

was the reply. " Why then," replied the bus THE MAN OF PASTION'S DIARY.

pulling the crust from under his coat, " how couli I laugh, joke, quarrel, fiddle, dance, game, drink, you give your poor brother this mouldy piece o Do all that tuortal man can do. - but think

bread?"

to eat.

DOG LATIN

GRATITUDE.

When one who stood next, straight replied, with A parson, well known in his neighbourbood as a

some gailman of great oddity, hamour, and equally great

“ What is there to see, where there's nothing at all ? extravagance, once wanting a new wig, his old

“Ah! that is the Devil !" the wag said, “I swear ;

To one defying all farther assistance of art, he applied

open one's purse, and to see-nothing there !! to a barber, young in the business, 10 make him

SARAH DUCHESS. OF. MARLBOROUGH. ane. The tradesman, who was just going to dinner, begsed the honour of his new customer's company at

When the proud Duke of Somerset, a little time ab meal. to which the parson readily consented. Marlborough, she insisted on his drinking with her

before his death, paid a visit to Sarah Duchess of After dinner a large bowl of punch was produced, glass of tokay, which bad been presented to her hus and the happy guest, with equal readiness, joined in band by the emperor. He assented, and she adits demolition. When it was out the barber was

dressed him as follows: “My lord, I consider your proceediog to business, and began to handie his mea*ufc, when his guest desired him to desist, saying he grace drinking a glass of wine with me as a very should not make his wig. "Why not!" exclaimed the high honour, and I will beg leave to propose two bonest host; " have I done anything to offend healths, the most unpopular imaginatle, and which yos, Sir?" “ Not in the least," replied the guest; would drink : here is you r health and MIng.”

nobody in the three kingdoms, except ourselves "I fod yoa are a very honest, good natured fellow; I will take somebody else in. Had you made it,

EPITAPH ON CHARLES 11. Jou would never have been paid for it."

Charles once said over his bottle, that he supposed WHOLESOMB DOCTRINE

some stupid peasant would write a nonsensical epitapha

ou bin when he was gone,--“ Now," says his A Welch parson, after divine service. used to Majesty, “ I should like to have something approp play at cudgels with his parishioners in the church- priate and witty, --Rochester, let's have a touch of yard, which being told to ibe bishop of the diucese, be your pen on the subject." His Lordship obeyed *as severely reprimanded: in his defence the parson the command, and produced the following:tad, that he took pains to instil the word of God

Here lies our Sovereign Lord the King, into them in the church, but as that would not do, be

Whose promise none relied on; dezvoared to beat it into them in the church-yard.

Who uever said a foolish thing,
TUE MOUNTEBANK AND THE DEVIL.

And never did a wise one."
A dountebank once, it is said, at a fair,

DR. FRANKLIN'S CRACE To make the wise gentry that crowded it stare, The Doctor when a child found the long graces Protested, in spite of the Churchi's decree,

used by his father before and after meals very, te. That whoever chose it the devil should see

dious. One day after the winter's provision had So uncommon a sight who would thiuk to forego ?

becn salted, “I think, Father," said Benjamin, "if The devil seem'd in thens, they all scrambled so ! Wule, with mouth very wide, au old purse, very long, all, it would be a great saving of time.”

you were to say grace over the whole cask once for Was held out by this sorc'rer, and shook to the

throog"Good people," he holloa'd, “ your eyes now A proud parson and his man, riding over a comunfold,

mon, saw a shepherd tending his flock in a new coat: AD say if within any thing you behold ?"

the parson asked in a laughty tone, who gave him

THREE FOOLS.

[ocr errors]

A PRAYER TOO QUICKLY GRANTED.

that coat? “ The same people," said the shepherd, , answered, that she told him the niglit belute she " that clothe you, the parish.” The parson, nettled could not live till the morning, and he supposed a little, sent his man back to ask the shepherd if he woman going out of the world would not tell us would come and live with him, for he wanted a fool. untruth. The man went to the shepherd, and delivered his master's message.

AN EMPTY HEAD. “ Are you going away then?" said the shepherd. "No," answered the other.

James I. King of England, asking Lord Bacon " Then you may tell your master,” replied the what he thought of the French ambassador i boe shepherd, “his living wont maintain three of us..' answered, that he was a tall, proper man. “Ay.*

replied the king, “ what think you of his headpiece! CHARLES II. AND MR. PENX.

Is he a proper man for an ambassador » When Mr. Penn went to pay his respects to said Bacon," tall men are like high houses, wkcrria Charles II. that King observing that the Quaker commonly the uppermost rooms are worst furnished.* did aut remove hiş hat, took off_bis own hat, and stood uncovered before Penn; who said, “prithec,

LIVING TOO LONG friend Charles, put on thy hat." "No," says the A person who had just two thousand a year, being King, “ friend Penn, it is usual for only one man to unwilling to leave any thing to his heirs, resolved be covered here."

spend, not only the annual income, but also the principal. He accordingly made a calculation, that

he could not possibly live longer than foarscare With folded hands, and lifted eyes,

years; but, happening to survive all, be found his “ Have mercy, Heaven !" the parson cries self reduced to beggary during the last hall-doma And on our sun-burnt, thirsty plains,

years of his life; and actually begged charity frose Thy blessings send in genial rains !"

door to door, whining out." Pray give something to The sermon ended and the prayers,

a poor man, who bas lived longer than be expected." The parson to be gone prepares ; When with a look of brighten'd smiles

ÆSOP IN SLAVERY " Thank Heaven, it rains,' cries farmer Giles. Æsop went with a number of slaves to be sold, • Rains !' quoth the parson, 'Sure you joke!

and being questioned as to their respective taleud. Rain ! Heav'n forbid ! I've got no cloak.

one said he could do this thing, another that, and a THE FORGETFUL MAN.

third could do everything. When it came to

Æsop's turn, his master asked him what he could When Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free; do, he answered “Nothing." • How can thiet

Of late be's grown brim full of pride and pelf : possibly be,” said his master, Why," replied No wonder that he don't remember me;

Æsop, as the man before me says he will do every Why so ? you see he has forgot himself.

thing, there can be nothing left for me to do." TAKING AT A WORD.

CONTRABAND INTELLECT. A country rector one day gave his curate a list A Scotch nobleman, chatting with an English of the sick persons in the parish, in order that he lady, she asked, hon it happened that the Scots is might visit them. Soon after the rector inquiring general made a much better figure froin bome than is about a poor woman, the curate replied that she Scotland. “Oh,” said he, "nothing is so easily es was dead. The rector said that be bad just then counted for. For the honour of the nation, peix** mel ber in the street; the curate, in bis defence, are stationed at every cgress, to see that none lata

« ZurückWeiter »