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JAM26 11. AYD MILTON.
CHANGING THE SUBJECT
done brought up for his dinger, sent for the cook, and James II., when Duke of York, one day asked
told her to take the multon down and do it less. kilon , the poet, if he did not think his loss of
“ Please your honour, I cannot do it less." But,"
said the Dean, “ if it had not been done enough was a judgment upon him for what he had titres against his father, Charles I.
you could have done it more, could you not?”
The poet. Ob, yes! very easily.” “Why, then," said the Kswered, “ if his highness tbought his loss of sight jodgment upon him. be wished 10 know what be
Dean, * for the future, when you commit a fault, let
it be such a one as can be amended.". idegbt of his father's losing his head.”
NAUTICAL LEARNINC. Ino sailors happening to join a crowd gathered the general topic of conversation at Athens, took
Alcibiades finding his irregularities had become beau a preacher, just in time to hear him say, dienice, “ And I your pastor and teacher shali be large sum of money, he cut off his tail. His friends teed to bear witness against you at the day
told him the whole city blamed him for so foolish an is judgment." “ Hollo! Jack," cries one of them, I wished,” said he.
action, and talked of nothing else. “ That is what i is not just as it is at the Old Bailey: the
“ I had rather they should fuit latest rogue always turns king's evidence."
talk of my dog's tail than of me.” VOLTAIRE AND CHESTERFIELD. Voltaire, when in London, being at a rout with L.ord charge of heresy, whose name was Silver, told him,
Sir Thomas Moore examining a protestart on the sve jenterfield, a lady in company, very much painted, in his jesting way, “ that silver must be tried in the
posed his conversation. Chesterfield tapped him :: she shoulder, saying, “ Take care you are not
fire." Ay!” said Silver, “but quicksilver will not pirared." "Diy Lord,” replied Voltaire, "I
abide it." en is be taken by an Eng'ish bottom under
When Mrs. Macauley published her Loose Thoughts, KEEPING ONE'S WURD.
Garrick, who was in company with Foote, said it pre, with kind words, Sir Edward cheer'd his
was a very improper title for a lady to adopt: to
which Foote replied, he was quite of a different Best Dick, thou op my friendslip niay'st depend; opinion, for the sooner a woman got rid of her loose to thy fortone is but very scant,
thoughts the better. le assur'd I'll ue'er sce Dick in want." the con anfin'd, his friend, no doubt, would free At Ranelagh, when Lady Grace
Unmask'd to put my poor heart in a pother, but be kept his word-he would not see him!
So very hideous was her face.
I was deceiv'd, and bege'd she'd pull off t'other. fake the externels (M-Y) from Majesty, and
A WOMAN'S SECRET.
from Publin to England, a storni arose, when every Doza Swift having a shoulder of matton too mucli one expected the vessel would be lost.
THE PERMANENT MASK.
is it! A JEST.
TUOICE OY A FAVET
" Tell me, my
KILL AND CURE.
man lamented with leis wife the dreadful situation they were in, and begged her to answer him one question. She bade him name it.
The footman of a gentleman possessed of a 20:39 dear,” said he, “as perhaps we have not long to irritable temper, desired to be dismissed. "Why do live, have you been always true to my bed?" "Sink you leave me?" said the master, * Becaone, to or swim," she replied, " that is the only secret that speak the truth, I cannot bear your temper." "Ta shall go to the grave with me.”
be sure, I am passionale, but my passion is no scom
on than it is off." "Yes," replied the servant,“ b. BISHOP WARBURTON.
then it is no sooner off than it is on." When the first volume of the “ Divine Legation," dy Warburton, was shewn to Dr. Bentley, be looked it over, and then observed of the author, “ This man The following is the literal copy of a Farrier's the has a monstrous appetite, with a very bad digestion.' sent to a gentleman:
Maay Too qureing your honors Ors tas A ludicrous mistake happened some time ago at a dide Vifteen Zillings.' funeral iu Mary-le-bone. The clergymar had gone on with the service, until he came to that part
THE BRAINLESS TOPER. which says,
“Our deceased brother or sister," “ Brother bucks your glasses drain." without knowing whether the deceased was male or
Tom, 'tis strong and sparkling red.' female. He turned to one of the mourners, and “ Never fear-'twont reach my brain asked whether it was a brother or sister.
The man “ No-that's true—but 'twill your head." very innocently replied, “ No relation at all, Sir, only an acquaintance."
PREACHING AND BREWIXO.
A country vicar, giving his text out of Hels A citizeu dying greatly in debt, “ Farewell,”
pronounced it, He breus, 10 and 12, (meauir said one of his creditors, " there is so much of mine
chapter and verse.) An old toper, who i gone with him.” “ And he carried so much of mine," asleep under the pulpit,' thinking betaling said another. A person hearing them make their sc
brewing so many busbels to the hogshead, veral complaints, said, “ Well, I see now, that
“ By the Lord, and no such bad liquor beidet." though a man can carry nothing of his own out of
A DEAR WIFE. the world, yet he may carry a great deal of other inen's."
A gentleman just married told Foote blund morning laid out three hundred pounds for les
wife. “ Faith, Sir," says Foote, “ I see you 2" Two Irish labourers being at the execution of the
hypocrite, for she is truly your dear wife." maiefactors on the tiew scaffold before Newgate, one says to the other, “ Arrab, Pat, now! but is there any difference between being hanged here and A volatile young lord, whose corpus being hanged in chains !" · No, honey!" replied the female world were numberless, al last maro he, “no great difference: orly one hangs about
Now, my lord,” said fue countess, “ I hope sa an hour, and the other hangs all the days of his mend.” * Madam," says he, “ you may der life."
on it, this is my last fully."
THE DYING CITIZEN.
HANGING IN CHAINS
THE LAST FOLLT.
TO A GENTLEMAN ABOUT TO MARRY.
TWO DIFFERENT CASES.
drowned in crossing the Hellespont; where he made 3 monstrons boggle, wbich was so intolerable to the pitbe returned on the stage, leading Jessica nions ;" upon which Buekingham immediately remward, with whom he addressed the audience plied, And since that night have touched but half-a-'preferred the company of a man who could amuse Lat you and I, then, bid these folks good night, latwe, by longer stay, are start's outrighit.
A French nobleman shewing Matthew Prior, the
Bob says, his spouse that is to be pvet, the King's Palace at Versailles, and desiring Has all the requisites to bless. turn to observe the many trophies of Lewis the Four Has wit, I know, in repartee, uenea's victories, asked Prior if King Williain the A taste for letters, play, and dress. Third, his master, had many such trophies in his Yet were 1, Bobby, (entre nous) palace. "No," said Prior, “the monuments of my Bound to three such in marriage bands, master's victories are to be seen every where but in I'd bribe the Devil with thanks and two, bis ora house."
To take the other off my hands. AVDICE TO AN ALTUOR. A learned doctor having printed two heavy, poJames of Natural History, a friend remarked to him, Charg'd with writing obsceuely this was F-ng's that his publication was, in several particulars, ex
l'is what Dryden and Congreve have done as well as I. od pet oplied, " Pray, Deo are you not a justice of Tis true— but they did it with this good pretence, was the reply. Why,
With an ounce of obsceneness went a pound of good then, Sir," added his critic, “ I advise you to send ! But thou hast proportion'd, in thy judgment pro. your work to the sane place you send your vagrants 1o, that is, to the house of correction.'
Of good sense scarce an ounce, of obsceneness a AN IMPROMPTU.
pound A manager having played several nights to an almost empty barn, in a country town, neglected to perfect himself in the part of Lorenzo, in the Mer:
Aye! Honesty's a jewel,” Richard cry'd, ebant of Venice. He however bustled through it
“That shines the clearer still, the more 'tis try'd.” biderably well , till he got to the part where he should
" True Dick,' quoth Jeremy -- yourself may show it, address Jessica on the subject of Leander's being
* Your Honesty's so clear-we all see through it.' na licence, that a general hiss from
all parts expressed
The Duke of Buckingham was one day entertainin die probation, and he retired, as the caved it, ing Charles II., when the King said, “ Buckingham, As soon as silence was obetined by bis I think you are the greatest rogue in all my domi
subject I am, night as this we came to
The late King of Prussia used to say, that he
* Jessica, in such a
WIT AND HONESTY.
him, though ever so great a rascal, to that of a stupid honest fellow, who would suffer him tu fali asicep
For a paper manufacturer-" I've turned ore
a new leaf." For an undertaker — " Grave undertakings,” or, For a curate—"A good living is a cure for il "I undertake grave subjects."
souls." For a first-rate singer-" I've cash'd my notes "
Sor a lamplighter Exalted I shine;” or “ Brilo A Hamper I receiv'd of wine, liant exaltatim." For a news-crier My fame makes a aoise !!!
As good, Dick says, as e'er was tastedFor a tobacconist" Smoke ascends,"
And Dick may be su; pos'd to know,
OT, stantial smoke."
For he contriv'd his matters su, For a watclumaker_" Wound to the highest
A: erery day with me to dine piteli ;” or, “ Take note of Time.”
Much longer than the liquor lasted : For a carpenter—" Plain declinys, or, Augur
If such are presents- wbile I live well."
Oh! let me not receive, but gire. For a restirrection man--" Mors junua ritee;" OT, " Deati is life to me."
THE COMBAT. For an auctioneer—" Repeated knockings down
A Chimney-sweep and baker went to fight; set me on my legs."
The baker beat the chimney-sweeper tchite: “ For a tailor" Suit your measures to all men;".
The chimney-sweep, tho'laid upon his bact. “ My goose laid golden eggs."
Took wind, and quickly beat the saker black. Officers of Excise, &c.“ Collections and self In carne a brickdust-mum, with porter fed recollections."
And beat both chimney-sweep and baker redo For a distiler —" My spirits rise !" or,“ Spirits at Thus red, black, white, iu clouds together lav, full proof."
And none could tell which party had the day. For a cider merchant-" How sweet is expres. sion.''
TWO STRINOS TO YOUR bow. For a navy agent" Commissions, but no self. As fiddlers and archers who cnnningly know omissions."
The way to procure themselies merit For a lawyer - The suit that fits me best is a Will al: ays provide them two strings to their bring Chancery suit."
And manage their bus'ness with spirit. For a manufacturer of looking.glasses~" The So likewise the provident maiden should do, true mirror of fashion."
Who would make the best use of her legaty: Por a distributor of land bills- " A literary cha- | If her mark she would his, or her lesson play but racter."
Two lovers must still be on duty. For a banker_“ Count Discount.”
Thos arm'd against Chance, and secure of supply, For the Master of the Hummumis-“ Knight of the Thus far our revenge we may carry Bath."
One spark for our spurl, we may jilt and set by : For the keeper of Bedlam_“Knight of the Cres And t'other, poor soul, we may marry. cent." For a merchant_" No change like exchange."
TIK SRCOND DRUTUS. For a coachmaker-" The Wheel of Fortune." Brutus unmor'd heard how his Portia fell, For a burcber—" Killing brings me to life.” Should Jack's wife die, he would bebare avail
ON TIE MARRIAGE OF AN OLD MAID.
TESTS OF WIT.
DRYDEN'S WIFE. In 1809, Sir Richard Phillips, the publisher, being This lady one day complained to her husband, about to print a new edition of the “ Encyclopedia that he was always reading, and took little notice of of Wit,"' resolved to test the whole by two separate her, and finished by saying she wished that she was minds, and gave to two very ingenious men a copy of a book, and then she should enjoy his company. the work, requesting each to erase the articles “ Yes, my dear," says Dryden, “I wish you were a which did not strike him as piqaant. They per- book, ---but an Almanack I mean, for then 1 should formed their tasks, and on returning their copies, the change you every year.” pablisher found, to his utter astonishment, that, with tra exceptions, each hat erased what the other had retained, so that by their joint erasures, not a twen Chloe, a coquet in her prime, tieth part of the original book remained. Confounded
The vainest ficklest thing alive ; by the result, he now submitted the book to a third Behold the strange etfects of time! person, and he retained nearly every article which
Marries and doats at forty-five. the others had erased, and struck out all that they Thus, weather-cocks, who for awhile had retained. He was now reminded of the fable of
Have turn'd about with every blast, * The Man, his Son, and the Ass," and perceiving Grown old, and destitute of oil, that it was vain to endeavour to please every one, he
Rust to a point, and fix at last. teprinted his book without alteration, leaving it to his
ON M18S FURY, BY LORD CHESTERFIELD. dretal readers to seek pleasure from the mass, each according to his own fancy.
To look like an angel, the ladies believe,
Is the greatest of blessings that Heaven can give; IRISI COURAGE.
But on earth, believe me, fair nymphs, I assure ye, lo 1563, the Earl of Desmond, a fierce and powerful 'The blessing's far greater to look like a Fury. Criellain, made an inroad on the possession of But. lor, Earl of Ormond, when in the course of the war, the former was wounded and taken prisoner. As the Foote was rattling one evening, in the greenOmondierians conveyed bim from the field, stretched room, when a nobleman, who seemed highly ou a biet, bis supporters, exclaimed, with natural entertained, cried out, “ well, Foote, you see I troumph," Where now is the great lord of Des- swallow all the good things." " Do you, my Lord moond?" “ Where," replied Desmond, " but in his Duke," says the other, " then I congratulate you on poper place?-Still on the necks of the Butlers."
your digestion, for I believe you never threw up ono
of them in your life.”
And myself said again to me; "Not seen the shinoceros, my lord !" To which Look to thyself, take care of thyself, his lordship replied, " that the etiquette was not yet For nobody cares for bee. tedest between them, as they both had their trum Then I said to myself, and then answered myself: *N, which should visit the first, whether he should
With the self-same repartee; ***,apon the rhinoceros or the chinoceros upon i Look to thyself, or look not to thyself,
Tis the self-same thing to me.
TASTE FOR WIT.