JAMES 11. AND MILTON.

James II., when Duke of York, one day asked ton, the poet, if he did not think his loss of t was a judgment upon him for what he had The poet ten against his father, Charles I. kered, "if his highness thought his loss of sight Agment upon him, be wished to know what he ght of his father's losing his head."

NAUTICAL LEARNING.

o sailors happening to join a crowd gathered da preacher, just in time to hear him say, he had exclaimed against the sins of his And I your pastor and teacher shall be to bear witness against you at the day gment." "Hollo! Jack," cries one of them, is not just as it is at the Old Bailey: the trogue always turns king's evidence."

VOLTAIRE AND CHESTERFIELD.

taire, when in London, being at a rout with Lord held, a lady in company, very much painted, sed his conversation. Chesterfield tapped him shoulder, saying, "Take care you are not ted." "My Lord," replied Voltaire, " "I be taken by an English bottom under colours."

KEEPING ONE'S WORD.

with kind words, Sir Edward cheer'd his

Dick, thon on my friendship may'st depend; thy fortune is but very scant, Bur'd I'll ne'er see Dick in want." wa confin'd, his friend, no doubt, would free

he kept his word—he would not see him!

MAJESTY.

the externals (M-Y) from MAJESTY, and 37 A JEST.

CHOICE OF A FAULT

wift having a shoulder of mutton too much

done brought up for his dinner, sent for the cook, and told her to take the mutton down and do it less. "Please your honour, I cannot do it less." "But," said the Dean, "if it had not been done enough you could have done it more, could you not?" "Oh, yes! very easily." "Why, then," said the Dean, "for the future, when you commit a fault, let it be such a one as can be amended."

CHANGING THE SUBJECT

Alcibiades finding his irregularities had become the general topic of conversation at Athens, took a very fine dog, for which he had given large sum of money, he cut off his tail. His friends told him the whole city blamed him for so foolish an action, and talked of nothing else. "That is what I wished," said he. "I had rather they should talk of my dog's tail than of me."

QUICKSILVER.

Sir Thomas Moore examining a protestant on the charge of heresy, whose name was Silver, told him, in his jesting way," that silver must be tried in the fire." Ay!" said Silver, "but quicksilver will not abide it."

LOOSE THOUGHTS.

When Mrs. Macauley published her Loose Thoughts, Garrick, who was in company with Foote, said it was a very improper title for a lady to adopt: to which Foote replied, he was quite of a different opinion, for the sooner a woman got rid of her loose thoughts the better.

THE PERMANENT MASK.

At Ranelagh, when Lady Grace

Unmask'd to put my poor heart in a pother, So very hideous was her face.

I was deceiv'd, and begg'd she'd pull off t'other. A WOMAN'S SECRET.

A married couple, coming over in the packet from Dublin to England, a storm arose, when every The gentle one expected the vessel would be lost.

Maay Too qureing your honors Ors ta dide Vifteen Zillings.'

THE BRAINLESS TOPER.

"Brother bucks your glasses drain."-
'Tom, 'tis strong and sparkling red.'-
"Never fear-twont reach my brain
"No-that's true-but 'twill your head

PREACHING AND BREWING.

A country vicar, giving his text out of P pronounced it, He brews, 10 and 12, ( chapter and verse.) An old toper, who asleep under the pulpit, thinking be ta brewing so many bushels to the hogshea "By the Lord, and no such bad liquor meis

FRENCH VANITY

A French nobleman shewing Matthew Prior, the poet, the King's Palace at Versailles, and desiring bina to observe the many trophies of Lewis the Fourteenth's victories, asked Prior if King William the Third, his master, had many such trophies in his palace. "No," said Prior, "the monuments of my master's victories are to be seen every where but in his own house."

AVDICE TO AN AUTHOR.

A learned doctor having printed two heavy volumes of Natural History, a friend remarked to him, that his publication was, in several particulars, extremely erroneous; and when the other defended his volumes, replied, "Pray, Dr. are you not a justice of the peace ?" "I am, Sir," was the reply. Why, then, Sir," added his critic, "I advise you to send your work to the same place you send your vagrants

fe, that is, to the house of correction."

AN IMPROMPTU.

66

A manager having played several nights to an almost empty barn, in a country town, neglected to perfect himself in the part of Lorenzo, in the Merchant of Venice. He however bustled through it tolerably well, till he got to the part where he should address Jessica on the subject of Leander's being drowned in crossing the Hellespont; where he made a monstrons boggle, which was so intolerable to the alience, that a general hiss from all parts expressed their disapprobation, and he retired, as he called it, & blaze. As soon as silence was obtained by his rit, be returned on the stage, leading Jessica ward, with whom he addressed the audience

WIT AND HONESTY.

The late King of Prussia used to say, that he preferred the company of a man who could amuse him, though ever so great a rascal, to that of a stupid honest fellow, who would suffer him to fali asleep

For a carpenter-" Plain dealings, or, Augur well."

For a resurrection man-" Mors janua vitæ ;” or, "Death is life to me."

For an auctioneer-" Repeated knockings down set me on my legs."

or,

"For a tailor" Suit your measures to all men;" "My goose laid golden eggs."

Officers of Excise, &c.-" Collections and selfrecollections."

For a distiller" My spirits rise!” or, “Spirits at full proof."

For a cider merchant-" How sweet is expression."

For a navy agent-" Commissions, but no selfomissions.'

For a lawyer-The suit that fits me best is a Chancery suit."

For a manufacturer of looking-glasses-" The true mirror of fashion."

For a distributor of handbills- "A literary character."

For a banker-" Count Discount."

For the Master of the Hummums-" Knight of the Bath."

For the keeper of Bedlam-"Knight of the Crescent."

For a merchant-" No change like exchange."
For a coachmaker-" The Wheel of Fortune."
For a butcher-" Killing brings me to life,"

TWO STRINGS TO YOUR BOW.

As fiddlers and archers who cunningly know
The way to procure themselves merit
Will always provide them two strings to their
And manage their bus'ness with spirit.
So likewise the provident maiden should do,
Who would make the best use of her beauty
If her mark she would hit, or her lesson play ús
Two lovers must still be on duty.

Thus arm'd against Chance, and secure of supp
Thus far our revenge we may carry
One spark for our sport, we may jilt and set i
And t'other, poor soul, we may marry.

THE SECOND BRUTUS.

Brutus unmov'd heard how his Portia fell, Should Jack's wife die, he would behave as:

TESTS OF WIT.

In 1809, Sir Richard Phillips, the publisher, being about to print a new edition of the " Encyclopedia of Wit," resolved to test the whole by two separate minds, and gave to two very ingenious men a copy of the work, requesting each to erase the articles which did not strike him as piquant. They performed their tasks, and on returning their copies, the publisher found, to his utter astonishment, that, with few exceptious, each had erased what the other had retained, so that by their joint erasures, not a twenteth part of the original book remained. Confounded by the result, he now submitted the book to a third person, and he retained nearly every article which the others had erased, and struck out all that they had retained. He was now reminded of the fable of "The Man, his Son, and the Ass," and perceiving that it was vain to endeavour to please every one, he reprinted his book without alteration, leaving it to his several readers to seek pleasure from the mass, each according to his own fancy.

IRISH COURAGE.

In 1563, the Earl of Desmond, a fierce and powerful chieftain, made an inroad on the possession of ButJer, Earl of Ormond, when in the course of the war, the former was wounded and taken prisoner. As the Ormondierians conveyed him from the field, stretched a bier, bis supporters exclaimed, with natural triumph, "Where now is the great lord of Destund?" "Where," replied Desmond, "but in his proper place?-Still on the necks of the Butlers."

ETIQUETTE

A country 'squire asked a Judge, while he was delivering his charge, if he had seen the rhinoceros?! Upon which the Judge paused. The esquire went

Not seen the rhinoceros, my lord!" To which his lordship replied, "that the etiquette was not yet witled between them, as they both had their trumpes, which should visit the first, whether he should

it upon the rhinoceros or the rhinoceros upon

DRYDEN'S WIFE.

This lady one day complained to her husband, that he was always reading, and took little notice of her, and finished by saying she wished that she was a book, and then she should enjoy his company. "Yes, my dear," says Dryden, "I wish you were a book,—but an Almanack I mean, for then I should change you every year."

ON THE MARRIAGE OF AN OLD MAID.

Chloe, a coquet in her prime,

The vainest ficklest thing alive;
Behold the strange effects of time!
Marries and doats at forty-five.
Thus, weather-cocks, who for awhile
Have turn'd about with every blast,
Grown old, and destitute of oil,

Rust to a point, and fix at last.

ON MISS FURY, BY LORD CHESTERFIELD.

To look like an angel, the ladies believe,
Is the greatest of blessings that Heaven can give;
But on earth, believe me, fair nymphs, I assure ye,
The blessing's far greater to look like a Fury.

TASTE FOR WIT.

Foote was rattling one evening, in the greenroom, when a nobleman, who seemed highly entertained, cried out, "well, Foote, you see I swallow all the good things." "Do you, my Lord Duke," says the other," then I congratulate you on your digestion, for I believe you never threw up one of them in your life."

A RHAPSODY.

As I walk'd by myself, I said to myself,
And myself said again to me;
Look to thyself, take care of thyself,
For nobody cares for thee.

Then I said to myself, and then answered myself:
With the self-same repartee;

Look to thyself, or look not to thyself,

'Tis the self-same thing to me.