Abbildungen der Seite


Soldier-From the American army at Erie, sir. . | best feather bed I have ; you shall have the last Patrick - And what in the deviłdo you want here? supper and breafast that my farm can supply, whiclay

Soldier--I want shelter to-night; will you permit thank the Lord, is none of the worst ; you sball me to spread my blanket on your floor and sleep to as much water as you choose, provided you mu night?

with plenty of good wine or spirits, and proper Patrick Devil take me if I do, John Wilson, that's also you prefer it. Come in my hearty, come in, fat.

feel yourself at home. It shall never be said, 11* Soldier-On your kitchen floor, sir?

Patrick O'Flaherty treated a man scurvily wbw La Patrick-Not I, by the Hill o'llowth-that's flat. been fighting for the dear country which gave La Soldier-In your stable then ?

protection-ihat's flat. Patrick-I'm dd if I do that either-that's flat. Soldier-I am dying with hunger : give me but a

Mr. Gifford to Mr. Haslitt. bone and a crust; I ask no more.

What we read from your pen we remember no more Patrick-The devil blow me if I do, sir-that's

Mr. Hazlitt to Mr. Gifford. fiat.

What we read from your pen we remember before. Soldier-Give me some water to quench my thirst, I beg of you.

THE TWO HERVEYS. Patrick--Beg and be hanged, I'll do no such

Two Herveys had a mutual wish thing—that's flat.

To please in separate stations ; Soldier-Sir, I have been fighting to secure the

The one invented" Sauce for Fish,"

The other " Meditations." blessings you enjoy ; I have assisted in contributing to the glory and welfare of the country which has

Each has his pungent powers applied,

To aid the dead and dying ; hospitably received you, and can you so inhospitably reject me from your house?

That relishes a “ Soal," when fried, Patrick-Reject you, who in the devil talked a

This saves the “ Soul" froin frying, word about rejecting you ? May be I am not the scurvy spalpeen you take me to be, John Wilson. The following, said to be from the pen of the aus You asked me to let you lie on my floor, my kitchen of Palestine, was circulated in MS. some yean rez floor, or in my stable; now, by the powers, d'ye think in the University of Oxford. It was occascaded to I'd let a perfect stranger do that, when I have half a the elopement and marriage of a daughter of an dozen soft feather beds all empty? No, by the Hill the Professors with her father's footman; the line o'Howth, John, that's flat. In the second place whose name was Arabella, choosing this step, moet you told me you were dying with hunger, and than be constrained to receive the addresses wanted a bone and a crust to eat; now, honey, d'ye elderly gentleman, who, froin a peculiaring is think I'll feed a hungry man on bones and crust, gait, was nicknamed Dr. Toe. when my yard is full of fat pullets, and turkeys, and Twixt fugt-man John and Dr. Toe, pigs ? No, by the powers, not I-that's flat. 'In the A rivalship befell; third place, you asked me for some simple water to Which should prove the favour'd bean quench your thirst ; now as my water is none of the To bear away the Belle. best, I never give it to a poor traveller without mixing The foot-man won the lady's barat, it with plenty of wine, brandy, whiskey, or something And who can blame her! Do man; else wholesome and cooling. Come into my house, The whole prevail'd against a part, my honey; deyil blow me, but you shall sleep in the 'Twas foot-man versus Tac-man.





a silent feniale horizontally! you must have made A young officer, a cornet in a regiment, being hos soine mistake!”-“ Not in the least," answered the vitably entertained by a neighbouring farnier, förmed coffin-monger, “ handsome bearse -- three couches

deliberate plan to soduce his wife. The usual and sis-well-dressed mutes -- handsome pall-19site was laid, and such assiduity preserved, that it body, your honour, could do it for less.” The genEvald not escape the eye of the farmer; but, de ulegan rejoined: “It is a large sum, hut, as I am pending on bis wife's constancy, he did not forbid satisfied the poor woman would have given twice as the military advances of his guest

. In process of much to bury me, I must not be behind her in an one, however, the lady, who despised the advances act of kindness ; there is a check for the amount.” of the captain, took an opportunity of stating the wbole case to her busband : in consequence of which • pian was laid, and the execution nearly proved

An Opera, like a pill'ry may be sais!, futal to the lover. The farmer one day invited all

To nail our Ears down, but expose our Ilead. she officers of the regiment to dine with him, except the captain; and the captain was not a little rallied

After one of the first musicians had been playing upon the neglect at the mess-room, where he had orien said he should make the farmer's wife one of strument, and was receiving applause for his great

a solo, and shown a great many tricks upon his inis regimental followers. However, the day previous execution, a Lady observed to Dr. Johnson, how les the dinner, the captain receired a letter from the amazingly difficult the performance most

be. wy, intimating that if he would attend at the garden “ Madam,” said the doctor,." I wish it had been gate at lalí-past ten the sacio night, he should be anducted to a much more delicate entertainment

impossible." 120 eating and drinking. All things were prepared -the officers dined with the farmer-and the cap A Member of the modern great $11, true to his appointment, met an Abigail, who

Pass'd Sawney with his budget: educted him to her mistress's bed-room. He was The peer was in bis car of state, an under the bed-clothes, and scarcely there before

The tinker forc'd to trudge it. received soeb a pressing hug as obliged him to But Suney shall receive the praise i out for help; the alarm was given-the company

His Lordship would parade for; sup stairs with lights, and found the captain fast One's debtor for his dapple greys, wted in the arms of a great she dancing bear. The

The other's shoes are paid for, pator of the beast fiolding the chain of his bear mée left-hand side of the bed : the first business *** to release the poor lover from his hugging mis

s nobleman being seated with a party of ladies in a 9. which, with the assistance of the keeper, was stage-box, a sprig of fashion came in booted and o efected, but at the expense of three broken ribs spurred. At the end of the act, the peer rose, and auts violent contusion on the temple : such was the making the young man a low bow, said, " I beg tinding op of his expected felicity.

Icave, Sir, in the name of these ladies, and for myself, THE UNDERTAKER'S BILL.

to offer you our thanks for your forbearance.”—“I

don't understand you ; what do you mean ?" said ku undertaker wailed on a gentleman with the the stranger. “ I mean," repeated the other. "

for the burial of his wife, amounting to 671. you have come with your boots and spurs, to thank Taat's vaut eum," said the widower, "for laying you that you have not brought your horse.”



[ocr errors]


." said

A Scotchman giving evidence at the bar of the House of Lords in the affair of Captain Porteus, and telling of the variety of shots which were fired upon that unhappy occasion, was asked by the Duke of Newcastle, what kiud of shot it was? Why," the man, in luis broad dialect,“ such as they shoot fools (fowls) with, and the like." " What kind of fools” says the duke, smiling at the word. “Why, my lord, dukes, (ducks) and sic kin' o'fools.

AURICULAR TELESCOPE. A gentleman remarked one day to an Irish basonet, that the science of optics was now brought to the highest perfection ; for that, by the aid of a telescope, which he had just purchased, be could discem objects at an incredible distance. “My dear felow,” replied the barone', “ I have one at my lodge that will be a natch for it; it brought the church so near to my view, that I could hear the whole congregation singing Psalms.”

Hodge held a farm, and smil'd content,
While one year paid another's rent;
But if he ran the least behind,
Vexation stung bis anxious mind;
For not an hour would landlord stay,
But seize the very quarter day.
How cheap soe'er or scant the grain,
Though urg'd with truth, was urg'd in vain.
The same to him if false or true,
For rent must come when rent was due.
Yet that same landlord's cows and steeds
Broke Hodge's feace and cropt his meads
In hunting, that same landlord's hounds
See! how they spread his new-80wn grounds!
Dog, horse, and man, alike o'erjoyed,
While half the rising crop's destroy'd,
Yet tamely was the loss sustain'd
'Ils said, ibe sufľrer once complain d;
The Squire laugh'd loudly while he spoke,
and paid the bumpkin-with a joke.

But luckless still poor Hodge's fatea
His worship's bull has forc'd a gate,
And gor'd his cow, the last and best;
By sickness he had lost the rest.
Hodge felt at heart resentment strong:
The heart will feel that saffers long.
A thought that instant took his head,
And thus within himself he said.
“ If Hodge, for once, don't sting the Squirs,
May people post him for a liar.'
He said-across his shoulder throws
His fork, and to his landlord goes.

“ I come an't please you to unfold
What, soon or latc, you must be told.
My bull (a creature tame till now),
My bull has gor'd your worsbip's cow.
'Tis known what shifts I make to live
Perhaps your houour may forgive. **
“ Forgive !" the Squire replied, and sxore,

Pray cani to me, forgive, no more. The law my damage shall decide ; And know, that I'll be satisfied." “ Think, Sir, I'm poor, poor as a ral" “ Think, I'm a justice, think of that!" Hodge bow'd again, and scratch'd his bead And, recollecting, archiy said, “Sir, I'm so struck when here before ye. I fear I've blunder'd in the story. 'Fore George! but I'll not blander dos Your's was the bull, Sir, mine the cow His worship sound his rage subside, And with calm accent thus replied : “ I'll think upon your case to-nightBut I perceive 'tis alter'd quite !* Hodge shrugg'd, and made another boe “ Ao please ye, where's the Justice non **

TRUP CARDS. George JII. once noticed a Mr. Blanchard on Richmond Hill; and, being told it belogen a card-maker, he observed, “ Wha!! what! a card-maker! all his cards must bare tenze trumps,"



tery; in all, L, Looseness of Life; and in some REV. NR. DODD IN A HOLLOW TREE.

T, Treason. The effects that it works in the world

to come, are -M, Misery ; A, Anguish; L, LamenThe Rev. Ms. Dodd, a very worthy minister, who ration; and T, Torment, and so much for this time lived a lew miles from Cambridge, had rendered and text. hanself obnoxious to many of the Cantabs by fre " I shall improve this, first by way of exhortation

wily preaching against drunkenness. Several of --M, Masters, A, All of you ; L, Leave off; T tiese Isee ting him on a journey, they determined to Tipling; or secondly, by way of excommunication, stake him preach in a hollow tree, which was near M, Masters; A, All of you; L, Look for; T, Tor. lhe roadside. Accordingly, addressing him with ment. Thirdly, by way of caution take this. A trat apparent politeness, they asked him if he had drunkard is the annoyance of modesty, the spoil ut lately preached much against drunkenness. On of civility, the destruction of reason, the brewer's 13 replying in the affirmative, they insisted that he agent, the alehouse benefactor, his wife's sorrow, his twuld now preach from a text of their choosing. In children's trouble, his own shame, his neighbour's lain did he remoustrate on the unreasonableness of scoff, a walking swill-bowl, the picture of a beast, Ijecting him to give them a discourse without and the monster of a man.' ty, and in such a place : they were determined to ade no denial, and the word MALT was given him

nay of text, on which he iinmediately delivered dit self as follows:

The Bishop of Exeter having established a poor* Keloved, let me crave your attention. I am a

house for twenty-five old women, asked Lord Mansistle mao, come at a short warning, to preach a

field for an inscription; úpon which his Lordship tort sermon, from a small subject, in an unworthy -Fit, to a small congregation. Beloved, my text is

Under this roof the Lord Bishop of Exeter VALT: I cannot divide it into words, it being but

keeps Lr; nor into syllables, it being but one; I must,

Twenty-five women. in fute, of necessity divide it into letters, which I

THE LATE DUKE OF NEWCASTLE. ed to be these four, M, A, L, T. “M, my beloved, is Moral; A, is allegorical; This nobleman was so accustomed to promises,

Literal; T, is Theological. The Moral is set that no applicant whatever left Inis presence without

to teach you drunkards good manners; there- an assurance of having what he solicited for. A PE, M, Masters; d, all of you; L, listen; T. to my major in the army once waited upon him on his

The Allegorical is when one thing is spoken, retum from abroad. “My dear major," said his Di another thing is meant. The thing spoken of is grace, running up to him, and embracing him, " I fail; the thing meant is the Juice of Malt; which am beartily glad to see you ; hope all things

Cantaba make-M, your Master; A, your Ap- go well with you."-" I can't say they do, my lord erl; L, your Liberty; and T, your Trust. The duke," returned he; “ I have had the misfortune to zal is, according to the Letter-M, Much, lose my -“ Say no more, my dear major,"

Ve 1 Litle; T, Trust. The Theological is ac- returned he, “ say no more, I entreat you, I'll give ng to the effects that it works; and these I find you a better, "-" Better, my lord,” returned the

of two kinds: first in this world; secondly, major, " that cannot be !"-"How so, my dear the world to come. The effects that it works in friend ? 10 w so? replied the duke. “ Because, vendidat, ia sunc, M, Murder; in others, A, Adul- rejoined the n ajor," I have lost my leg."



tables, and his drink pure water. “Good bear's At the first masquerade which George the Second nadam,” said his lordship, “ do you wish to honoured with his presence in England, a lady in imitate a man who eats like a beast and drinks like a vited him to drink a glass of wine.

With this he fish." readily complied: and the lady, filling a bumper,

CHURCH-YARD ACCOUNT. said “Here, mask, the Pretender's health ;" then

A poor labourer having been obliged to codeng filling another glass, she presented it to the king, the operation of haring his trg cut off, was charge who, receiving it with a smile, replied, “ I drink with sixteen pence by the sexion for burying it. all my heart to the bealth of unfortunate princes.”

poor fellow applied to the sector for redress, Fox's PAY-DAY.

told bim, he could not relieve him at that time; Mr. Fox, on one of his occasions for borrowing that he should certainly consider it in bis fresin money, met with a good-natured Jew, who told him the rest of his body came to be buried." that he might take his own time for payment. “Then,"

ELECANT WIT said Charles, " we'll make it the day of judgment; As in smooth oil, the razor best is whet, or, as that will be rather a busy day, suppose we say

So wit is by politeness sharpest set the day after."

Their want of edge from their offence is ters, AN ERROR IN GRAIN

Both pain us least when exquisitely keen. A woman having fallen into a river, her husband EPITAPU ON A TALKATIVE OLD *11). went to look for her, proceeding up the stream from

Beneath this silent stone is laid the place where she fell in. The bye-standers said

A noisy antiquated maid, she could not have gone against the stream. The man answered, she was obstinate and contrary in her

Who from her cradle talk'd till death

And ne'er before was out of breath life, and he therefore supposed for certain, ihat she

Whither she's gone we cannot tell ; was the same at her death.

For, if she talks nut, she's in Hell.

If she's in Heav'n, she's there unblest; Killigrew, jester at the court of Charles II. being Because she hates a place of rist. taken to see the Gallery at Versailles, was desired to

A HOME ARGUMENT. observe particularly a picaure of the crucifixion. He was then asked if he knew whom it represented. He

By one decisire argument said “ No."-"Why," said Louis XIV., who was

Giles gain'd his lovely Kate's consent

To fix the bridal day, present, “it is our Saviour on the cross, and the

Why in such baste, dear Giles, to wed? picture on the right side is the pope's, and that on the left my own.' Upon which Killigrew replied

I shall not change my mind," she said ; “ I thank your majesty for your information; I have

“But then," says he, " I mey." heard our Saviour was crucified between two thieves,

SPOKEN BY VENUS, ON SEEING HER STATS: but I did not know before who they were."


Anchysis, Parix, and Adonis too, A dissipated nobleman was one day reproved by Have seen me naked, and expos’d to rice his mother, who advised him to take example by a All these I freely own, witbout denying particular gentleman, whose constant food was vege

But where has this Prasytclos bero posiag.


« ZurückWeiter »