flat. Soldier-Give me some water to quench my thirst, I beg of you. Patrick-Beg and be hanged, I'll do no such thing-that's flat. Soldier-Sir, I have been fighting to secure the blessings you enjoy; I have assisted in contributing to the glory and welfare of the country which has hospitably received you, and can you so inhospitably reject me from your house? Patrick-Reject you, who in the devil talked a word about rejecting you? May be I am not the scurvy spalpeen you take me to be, John Wilson. You asked me to let you lie on my floor, my kitchen floor, or in my stable; now, by the powers, d'ye think I'd let a perfect stranger do that, when I have half a dozen soft feather beds all empty? No, by the Hill o'Howth, John, that's flat. In the second place you told me you were dying with hunger, and wanted a bone and a crust to eat; now, honey, d'ye think I'll feed a hungry man on bones and crust, when my yard is full of fat pullets, and turkeys, and pigs? No, by the powers, not I-that's flat. In the third place, you asked me for some simple water to quench your thirst; now as my water is none of the best, I never give it to a poor traveller without mixing it with plenty of wine, brandy, whiskey, or something. else wholesome and cooling. Come into my house, my honey; devil blow me, but you shall sleep in the l best feather bed I have; you shall have the bes PROSE V. POLTRY. THE TWO HERVEYS. Two Herveys had a mutual wish RIVAL LOVERS. The following, said to be from the pen of the aut Twixt foot-man John and Dr. Toe, Which should prove the favour'd beau, And who can blame her? no man; NOVEL CRIN CON A young officer, a cornet in a regiment, being hos tably entertained by a neighbouring farmer, formed deliberate plan to seduce his wife. The usual ge was laid, and such assiduity preserved, that it sald not escape the eye of the farmer; but, defading on his wife's constancy, he did not forbid ⚫ military advances of his guest. In process of ne, however, the lady, who despised the advances the captain, took an opportunity of stating the vole case to her husband in consequence of which plan was laid, and the execution nearly proved al to the lover. The farmer one day invited all officers of the regiment to dine with him, except captain; and the captain was not a little rallied in the neglect at the mess-room, where he had said he should make the farmer's wife one of regimental followers. However, the day previous hedinner, the captain received a letter from the , intimating that if he would attend at the garden at half-past ten the same night, he should be lucted to a much more delicate entertainment eating and drinking. All things were prepared officers dined with the farmer--and the captrue to his appointment, met an Abigail, who bered him to her mistress's bed-room. He was ander the bed-clothes, and scarcely there before ved such a pressing hug as obliged him to for help; the alarm was given the company stairs with lights, and found the captain fast in the arms of a great she dancing bear. The or of the beast holding the chain of his bear left-hand side of the bed: the first business release the poor lover from his hugging miswhich, with the assistance of the keeper, was ected, but at the expense of three broken ribs violent contusion on the temple: such was the up of his expected felicity. THE UNDERTAKER'S BILL. ndertaker waited on a gentleman with the the burial of his wife, amounting to 671. a vast sum,” said the widower, "for laying a silent female horizontally! you must have made some mistake!"-" Not in the least," answered the coffin-monger, "handsome bearse three couches and six-well-dressed mutes- handsome pall-nobody, your honour, could do it for less." The gen tleman rejoined: "It is a large sum, hut, as I am satisfied the poor woman would have given twice as much to bury me, I must not be behind her in an act of kindness; there is a check for the amount." THE OPERA. An Opera, like a pill'ry may be said, To nail our Ears down, but expose our Head. MUSICAL PERFECTION. After one of the first musicians had been playing a solo, and shown a great many tricks upon his instrument, and was receiving applause for his great execution, a Lady observed to Dr. Johnson, how amazingly difficult the performance must be. "Madam," said the doctor, "I wish it had been impossible." THE PEER AND THE PEDLAR. A Member of the modern great Pass'd Sawney with his budget: The tinker forc'd to trudge it. His Lordship would parade for; POLITE FORBEARANCE. A nobleman being seated with a party of ladies in a stage-box, a sprig of fashion came in booted and spurred. At the end of the act, the peer rose, and making the young man a low bow, said, "I beg leave, Sir, in the name of these ladies, and for myself, to offer you our thanks for your forbearance."-"İ don't understand you; what do you mean?" said the stranger. "I mean," repeated the other. as you have come with your boots and spurs, to thank you that you have not brought your horse." " SHOTS. A Scotchman giving evidence at the bar of the House of Lords in the affair of Captain Porteus, and telling of the variety of shots which were fired upon that unhappy occasion, was asked by the Duke of Newcastle, what kind of shot it was? "Why," said the man, in his broad dialect, "such as they shoot fools (fowls) with, and the like." "What kind of fools?" says the duke, smiling at the word. "Why, my lord, dukes, (ducks) and sic kin' o'fools." AURICULAR TELESCOPE. A gentleman remarked one day to an Irish baTonet, that the science of optics was now brought to the highest perfection; for that, by the aid of a telescope, which he had just purchased, he could discern objects at an incredible distance. "My dear felow," replied the baronet, "I have one at my lodge that will be a watch for it; it brought the church so near to my view, that I could hear the whole congregation singing Psalms." HEAR BOTH SIDES. Hodge held a farm, and smil'd content, For rent must come when rent was due. But luckless still poor Hodge's fate < His worship's bull has forc'd a gate, And gor'd his cow, the last and best; By sickness he had lost the rest. Hodge felt at heart resentment strong: The heart will feel that suffers long. A thought that instant took his head, And thus within himself he said. "If Hodge, for once, don't sting the Squi May people post him for a liar." He said across his shoulder throws His fork, and to his landlord goes. I come an't please you to unfold What, soon or late, you must be told. My bull (a creature tame till now), My bull has gor'd your worship's cow. 'Tis known what shifts I make to live Perhaps your houour may forgive." "Forgive!" the Squire replied, and sxom, "Pray cant to me, forgive, no more. The law my damage shall decide; And know, that I'll be satisfied." "Think, Sir, I'm poor, poor as a rat." "Think, I'm a justice, think of that?" Hodge bow'd again, and scratch'd his hea And, recollecting, archly said, "Sir, I'm so struck when here before ye I fear I've blunder'd in the story. 'Fore George! but I'll not blunder no Your's was the bull, Sir, mine the cow His worship found his rage subside, And with calm accent thus replied: "I'll think upon your case to-nightBut I perceive 'tis alter'd quite !** Hodge shrugg'd, and made another bow An please ye, where's the Justice De TRUMP CARDS. George III. once noticed a Mr. Blanchard on Richmond Hill; and, being told it be a card-maker, he observed, “What! - what a card-maker! all his cards must have to trumps," ERMON ON THE WORD MALT, PREACHED BY THE tery; in all, L, Looseness of Life; and in some T, Treason. The effects that it works in the world to come, are M, Misery; A, Anguish; L, Lamentation; and T, Torment, and so much for this time and text. The Rev. Mr. Dodd, a very worthy minister, who pted a few miles from Cambridge, had rendered tself obnoxious to many of the Cantabs by fre- "I shall improve this, first by way of exhortation ently preaching against drunkenness. Several of M, Masters, A, All of you; L, Leave off; T e meeting him on a journey, they determined to Tipling; or secondly, by way of excommunicationke him preach in a hollow tree, which was near M, Masters; A, All of you; L, Look for; T, Torroadside. Accordingly, addressing him with ment. Thirdly, by way of caution take this. A at apparent politeness, they asked him if he had drunkard is the annoyance of modesty, the spoil Lately preached much against drunkenness. On of civility, the destruction of reason, the brewer's replying in the affirmative, they insisted that he agent, the alehouse benefactor, his wife's sorrow, his uld now preach from a text of their choosing. In children's trouble, his own shame, his neighbour's i did he remonstrate on the unreasonableness of scoff, a walking swill-bowl, the picture of a beast, ecting him to give them a discourse without and the monster of a man." y, and in such a place they were determined to Do denial, and the word MALT was given him ay of text, on which he immediately delivered elf as follows:— Beloved, let me crave your attention. I am a man, come at a short warning, to preach a zeron, from a small subject, in an unworthy to a small congregation. Beloved, my text is r: I cannot divide it into words, it being but or into syllables, it being but one; I must, bee, of necessity divide it into letters, which Í be these four, M, A, L, T. my beloved, is Moral; A, is allegorical; Lateral; T, is Theological. The Moral is set teach you drunkards good manners; thereMasters; A, all of you; L, listen; T. to my The Allegorical is when one thing is spoken, er thing is meant. The thing spoken of is thing meant is the Juice of Malt; which ata make-M, your Master; A, your Apyour Liberty; and T, your Trust. The according to the Letter-M, Much, Little; T, Trust. The Theological is acthe effects that it works; and these I find Two kinds: first in this world; secondly, id to come. The effects that it works in Bare, in some, M, Murder; in others, A, Adul CHARITY AND GALLANTRY The Bishop of Exeter having established a poorhouse for twenty-five old women, asked Lord Mansfield for an inscription; upon which his Lordship wrote: Under this roof the Lord Bishop of Exeter THE LATE DUKE OF NEWCASTLE. ་་ A This nobleman was so accustomed to promises, that no applicant whatever left Ins presence without an assurance of having what he solicited for. major in the army once waited upon him on his return from abroad. "My dear major," said his grace, running up to him, and embracing him, "I am heartily glad to see you; I hope all things go well with you.""I can't say they do, my lord duke," returned he; " I have had the misfortune to lose my "-"Say no more, my dear major," returned he, " say no more, I entreat you, I'll give you a better."-" Better, my lord," returned the major, "that cannot be !""How so, my dear friend? how so?" replied the duke. "Because," rejoined the major, "I have lost my leg." GEORGE II. At the first masquerade which George the Second honoured with his presence in England, a lady invited him to drink a glass of wine. With this he readily complied: and the lady, filling a bumper, said, "Here, mask, the Pretender's health;" then filling another glass, she presented it to the king, who, receiving it with a smile, replied, "I drink with all my heart to the health of unfortunate princes." FOX'S PAY-DAY. Mr. Fox, on one of his occasions for borrowing money, met with a good-natured Jew, who told him that he might take his own time for payment. "Then," said Charles, "we'll make it the day of judgment; or, as that will be rather a busy day, suppose we say the day after." AN ERROR IN GRAIN A woman having fallen into a river, her husband went to look for her, proceeding up the stream from the place where she fell in. The bye-standers said she could not have gone against the stream. The man answered, she was obstinate and contrary in her life, and he therefore supposed for certain, that she was the same at her death. LOUIS XIV. Killigrew, jester at the court of Charles II. being taken to see the Gallery at Versailles, was desired to observe particularly a picture of the crucifixion. He was then asked if he knew whom it represented. He said "No."-"Why," said Louis XIV., who was present, "it is our Saviour on the cross, and the picture on the right side is the pope's, and that on the left my own.' Upon which Killigrew replied "I thank your majesty for your information; I have heard our Saviour was crucified between two thieves, but I did not know before who they were." CURE FOR DISSIPATION. A dissipated nobleman was one day reproved by his mother, who advised him to take example by a particular gentleman, whose constant food was vege tables, and his drink pure water. "Good bearen, madam," said his lordship, "do you wish me to imitate a man who eats like a beast and drinks lake a fish." CHURCH-YARD ACCOUNT. A poor labourer having been obliged to under the operation of having his leg cut off, was charg sixteen pence by the sexton for burying it is poor fellow applied to the rector for redress, wh told him, he could not relieve him at that time; t that he should certainly consider it in his fees, to As in smooth oil, the razor best is whet, EPITAPH ON A TALKATIVE OLD MAT A noisy antiquated maid, A HOME ARGUMENT. By one decisive argument Why in such haste, dear Giles, to wed I shall not change my mind," she said. "But then," says he, "I mey." SPOKEN BY VENUS, ON SEEING HER STAT. BY PRAXYTELES, Anchysis, Paris, and Adonis tou, Have seen me naked, and expos'd to vi |