Abbildungen der Seite
PDF
EPUB

ART OF CUTTING.

| forgotten it. Marry, yet I remember there was such To cut, is to look an old friend in the face, and a fellow that I was very beneficial unto in my tire

But, however, Sir, I have the courtesy of the toup affect not to know him ; which is the cut direct ! To look any where but at him—which is the cut- for you. I am sorry you did not take me at my ta

ther's house ; but now I am in exceeding great basta; modest or cut-indirect!

To“ forget names with a good grace"-as, instead for I have vowed the death of a hare that was found of Tom, Dick, or Harry, to address an old friend, this morning musing on her meaze. “ Sir," or, “ Mister,-What's your name ?" This is

Acad. Sir, I am emboldened by that great a the cut-courteons.

quaintance that heretofore I had with you, as likes "Good den Sir Richard.”—“God-a-mercy fellow!" it hath pleased you heretofore And if his name be George, I'll call him Peter;

Amor. Look, Sirrah, if you see my hobby are

hitherwards, as yet, &c. &c. For new made honour doth forget men's names. Shakspeare's King John.

CAMBRIDGE DECLAMATION. To be intentionally engaged on the phcnomena of The youth, perhaps may declamation prize, the heavenly bodies, when an old friend passes, is if to such glorious height he lifts his eyes. the cut-celestial.

But lo! no common orator can bope Lastly, to dart up an alley, dash across a street; The envied silver cup within his scope ; whip into a shop, or do any thing to avoid the trouble Not that our heads much eloquence require, and mortification of nodding the head to some one, Th’ Athenian's glowing sivle, or Tully's fire. whom, perhaps, you have as much reason to dislike, A manner clear and warm, is useless, since as the man in the epigrainNon amo te-nec possum dicere quare—This is the Be other orators of pleasing proud,

We do not try by speaking to convince ; cut-circumbendibus ! The art of cutting an acquaintance is of very con: Our gravity prefers the muttering tone,

We speak to please ourselves, not move the crowd: siderable antiquity. In a comedy which, was pub- A proper mixture of the squeak and groan ; licly acted by the students of St. John's College, No borrowed grace of action must be seen, Cambridge, in 1606, the following dialogue occurs, The slightest motion would displease the dear; which is very smart and cutting :

Whilst every staring graduate would prate Acad.God save you, sir. Amor. (Aside.) By the mass, I fear me I saw this. The man who hopes to obtain the promised cup,

Against what he could never imitate, genus et species in Cambridge, before now, I'll take no notice of kim. By the faith of a gentleman, this Nor stop, but rattle over every word,

Must in one posture stand, and ne'er foo's up, is pretty elegy. of what age is the day, fellow ?- No matter what so it cannot be heard ; Sirrah, boy, hath the groom saddled my hunting-Thus let him hurry on nor think to rest

, hobby? Can Robin Hunter tell where a hare sits ?

Who speak the fastest sure to speak the best ;
Acad. See a poor old friend of yours of S-

Who utters most within the shortest space
College, in Cambridge.
Amur. Good faith, sir, you must pardon me.

May safely hope to win the wordy race.

I have forgotten you.

RULES FOR BETA VION, DRAWN UP BY THE INDICIT Acad. My name is Academico, sir ; one that made

PHILOSOPHER. an oration for you once on the Queen's day, and a If you be a rich man, you may enter the tax show that you got some credit by.

with three loud bems, march deliberately ep 1 Amor. It may be so ; it may be so; but I have chimney, and turn your back to the ore. li va de

GOLDSMITII.

COLLEGE SONG.

RULES FOR RAISING THE DEVIL.

poor man, I would advise you to shrink into the room These men ex absurdo conclusions may draw;
us fast as you can, and place yourself, as usual, upon Perpetual motion they never could find :
the corner of a chair in a remote corner.

Not one of the set, lads, could balance a straw When you are desired to sing in company, I And longitude-seeking is hunting the wind. would advise you to refuse ; for it is a thousand to Chorus.-Then, lay by your books, lads, &c. one but that you torment us with affectation, or a If we study at all, let us study the means bad voice.

To make ourselves friends, and to keep them when If you be young, and live with an old man, I

made ; would advise you not to like gravy; I was disinhe-Learn to value the blessings kind Heaven ordainsrited myself for liking gravy:

To make other men happy, let that be our trade. Don't laugh much in public; the spectators that are not as merry as you, will hate you, either because

Churus. they envy your happiness, or fancy themselves the Let each day be better than each day before ; subject of your mirth.

Without pain or sorrow,

To-day, or to-morrow,

May we live, my good lads, to see many days more. Come, ye good College lads, and attend to my lays,

I'll show you the folly of poring o'er books; For all ye get by it is mere empty praise,

The person who desires to raise the devil, is to Or a poor meagre fellowship, and sallow looks.

sacrifice a dog, a cat, and a hen, all of his own proChorus

perty, to Beelzebub. He is to swear an eternal obeThen lay by your books, lads, and never repine ;

dience, and then to receive a mark in some unseen Aad cram not your attics

place, either under the eye-lid or in the roof of the With dry mathematics,

mouth, inflicted by the devil himself. Upon this he But mooisteo your clay with a bumper of wine. has power given him over three spirits; one for The first of mechanics was old Archimedes,

earth, another for air, and a third for the sea. Upon bo play'd with Rome's ships, as he'd play cup in which cach is to give an account of what evil he

certain times the devil holds an assembly of magicians, and ball; To play the same game, I can't see where the need has done, and what he wishes to do. At this assem

bly he appears in the shape of an old man, or often Or why we should fag mathematics at all?

like a goat with large horns. They, upon this occaChorus — Then lay by your books, lads, &c.

sion, renew their vows of obedience; and then form

a grand dance in bonour of their false deity. The G-a: Newton found out the Binomial law,

devil instruets them in every method of injuring manTo raise x + y to the power of b;

kind, in gathering poisons, and of riding upon occaI send the distance of planets that he never saw,

sion through the air. He shows them the whole And which we most probably never shall see.

method, upon examination, of giving evasive answers ; Chorusz-Then lay by your books, lads, &c.

his spirits have power to assume the form of angels LA Wliston and Dirton star gazing enjoy,

of light, and there is but one method of detecting And taste all the sweets mathematics can give;

viz. to ask them, in proper form, What method Let us for our time find out better employ,

is the most certain to propagate the faith over all the And knowing life's sweets, let us learn bow to live. world ? To this they are not permitted by the Superior

Chstus --Then lay by your books, lads, &c. Power to make a false reply, our are they willing to

them ;

LAUGHTER.

THE OATH OF LOVE.

[ocr errors]

give the true onę, wherefore they continue silent, and | Nor make a fire, nor eke compose a coach, are thus detected.

GOLDSMITH.

Of saucepans, trumpets, cheese, and such twerk

fare;

" Sorrow hath ta'en my number;"-I encroach Democritus, who was always laughing, lived one No more upon the chariot ;

-bụt the chair. hundred and nine years ; Heraclitus, who never ceased Gode is the stride, four steps, across the stage ! crying, only sixty. Laughing then is best ; and to Gone is the light vault o'er a turnpike gate! laigh at one another is perfectly justifiable, since we Sloth puts my legs into this tiresome cage, are told that the gods themselves, though they made And stops me for a toll,-I find, too late! us as they pleased, cannot help laughing at us. How WARE would quiver his mad bow about

His rosin'd tight ropes—when I ftapp'd a danom

How would I iwitch the Pantaloon's good gout “Do you,” said Fanny, t'other day,

And help his fall--and all his fears enchance! In earnest love me as you say?

How children sbriek'd to see me eat !How I “Or are these tender words applied

Stole the broad laugh from aged sober folk ! “Alike to fifty girls beside ?”

Boys pick'd their plums out of my Christmas pie, Dear, cruel,” said I, " forbear

And people took my vices for a joke. “For by those cherry lips I swear"-

Be wise, that's foolish) - troublesome! be nich She stopp'd me as the oath I took,

And oh, J. S. to every fancy stoop! And said, “ You've sworn—so kiss the book.". Carry a ponderous pocket at thy breech,

And roll thine eyes, as thou wouldst roll a hoop

Hand Columbine about with nimble band, Judge Garrow, in the cross-examination of a pre Covet thy neighbour's riches as thy own : varicating old rale witness, by which it was essen-Dance on the water, swim upon the land, tial to prove that a tender of money had been made, Let thy legs prove themselves bone of my bour. had a scrap of paper thrown to him from a counsel on Cuff Pantaloon, be sure—forget not this: the other side, on which was written,

As thou beats him, thou'rt poor, J. S. or funny Garrow,-submit ;--that tough old jade, And wear a deal of paint upon thy phiz, Can never prove--a ter:der maid!

It doth boys good, and draws in gallery money. GRIMALDI'S LAMENT ON US PETIREMENT FROM

Lastly, be jolly! be alive ! be light!
THE STAGE, ADDRESSED TO HIS SON

Twitch, Birt, and caper, tumble, fall, and thro Adieu to Mother Goose !--adieu-adieu

Grow up right ugly in thy father's sight! To spangles, tufted heads, and dancing limbs,

And be an “absolute Josepu," like old Jos! Adieu to Pantomime-to all-that drew

THE BOAR'S HEAD TAVERN, IN EASTCHE IT. O'er Christmas' shoulders a rich robe of whims! Here by a pleasant fire, in the very room where to Never shall uld BOLOGNA-old, alack !

Sir John Falstaff cracked his jokes, in the very clerOnce he was young and diamonded all o'er, which was sometimes honoured by priece HeTake his particular Joseph on his back

and sometime polluted by his immoral merry cr. And dance the matchiess fling, so loved of yore. panions, I sat and rumicated on the follies of you Ne'er shall I build the wondrous verdant man, wished io be young again ; but was resolved to c.

Tall, turnip-headed,,carrot-finger'd,-lean ; the best of life while it lasted, and now and Ne'er shall I, on the very newest plan,

compared past and present times together. I c Cabbage a body ;-old Joe Frankenstein, sidered myself as the only living representatirta.

LEGAL DIFFICULTY.

knight, and transported my imagination back to "I now found that spirits still preserve the frailtimes when the prince and he gave life to the ties of the flesh; and that, according to the laws of b and made even debauchery not disgusting. The criticism and dreaming, ghosts have been known to 1 also conspired to throw my reflections back into be guilty of even more than platonic affection : fuity : the oak floor, the gothic windows, and the wherefore as I found lier too much moved on such trous chimney-piece, had long withstood the a topic to proceed, I was resolved to change the 1 of time; the watchman had gone twelve: my subject; and desiring, she would pledge me in a anions had all stolen off, and none now remained bumper, observed, with a sigh, that our sack was me but the landlord. From him I could have nothing now to what it was in former days. Ah, ed to know the history of a tavern that had such Mrs. Quickly, those were merry times when you & succession of customers : I could not help drew sack for prince Henry : men were twice as ing that an account of this kind would be a strong, and twice as wise, and much braver, and ten ing contrast of the manners of different ages; thousand times more charitable than now. Those ny landlord could give me no information. He were the times! The battle of Agincourt was a nued to doze and sot, and tell a tedious story, victory indeed! ever since that we have only been ost other landlords usually do; and, though he degenerating; and I have lived to see the day when bathing, yet was never silent : one good joke drinking is no longer fashionable.. When men wear wed another good joke; and the best joke of all clean shirts, and women show their necks and arms, generally begun towards the end of a bottle. I all are degenerated, Mrs. Quickly; and we shall

at last, however, his wine and his conversation probably, in another century, be flittered away into te by degrees : he insensibly began to alter his beaus or monkeys. Had you been on earth to see arance. His cravat seemed quilled into a ruff, what I have seen, it would congeal all the blood in his breeches'swell out into a fardingale. I now your body (your soul, I mean.) Why, our very noled bim changing sexes: and, as my eyes began bility, now have the intolerable arrogance, in spite ne in slumber, I imagined my fat landlord ac- of what is every day remonstrated from the press; y converted into as fat a landlady. However, our very nobility, I say, have the assurance to fre

made but few changes in my situation : the quent assemblies, and presume to be as merry as the 2, the apartment and the table, continued as vulgar. See, my very friends have scarce manhood i gothing suffered mutation but my host, who enough to sit to it till eleven; and I only am left to fairly altered into a gentlewoman, whom I knew make a night on't. Pr’ythee do me the favour to

dame Quickly, mistress of this tavern in the console me a little for their absence by the story of of Sir John; and the liquor we were drinking your own adventure, or the history of the tavern ind converted into sack and sugar,

where we are now sitting : I fancy the narrative may My dear Mrs. Quickly," cried 1, (for I knew have something singular." rfectly well at first sight) “ I am beartily glad “ Observe, this apartment," interrupted my com

you. How have you left Falstaff, Pistol, and panion; of neat device and excellent workmanship I of our friends below stairs ? Brave and hearty, --In this room I have lived, child, woman and ghost, 1 * In good sooth," replied she, “ he did more than three hundred years : I am ordered by

to live for ever ; but he maketh' fuul work Pluto to keep an annual register of every transaction Eere he hath flitted. Queen Proserpine and he that passeth here; and I have wilhom compiled three quarrelled for his attempting a rape upon her hundred tomes, which estsoon may be submitted to 4, and were it not that she still had bowels thy regards,"

," " None of your wilhoms or eftsoons's, passion, it more than seems probable he might Mrs. Quickly, if you please," I replied : " I know leen diow sprawling in Tartarus."

you can talk every whit as well as I can ; for, as you

have lived here so long, it is but natural to suppose of the oldest in London, you may view the different you should learn the conversation of the company, manners, pleasures, and follies, of men at diskret Believe me, dame, at best, you have neither too inuch periods. You will find mankind neither belle a sense, nor too much language, to spare ; so give me worse now than formerly:

the vices of an uncirilen both as well as you can ; but, first,

my service to you : people are generally more detestable, though not oka old women should water their clay a little now and quent, as those in polite society. It is the samelatay then ; and now to your story."

which formerly stuffed your alder, an mich place “ The story of my own adventures,” replied the porridge, and now crams him with turtle. Il s* vision," is but short and unsatisfactory; for, believe same low ambition that formerly induced a courtes me, Mr. Rigmarole, believe me, a woman with a to give up his religion to please his king, and 1979 butt of sack at her elbow, is never long-lived. Sir persuades him to give up his conscience to John's death afflicted me to such a degree, that I minister. It is the same vanity that formerly say sincerely believe, to drown sorrow, I drank more our ladies cheeks and necks with woad 301 *** liquor myself than I drew for any customers : my paints them with carmine. Your ancient Ecua grief was sincere, and the sack was excellent. The formerly powdered his hair with red earth, prior of a neighbouring convent (for our priors then brick-dust, in order to appear frightful: your DK had as much power as the Middlesex justice now) Briton cuts his hair on the crown, and plastea. he, I say, it was who gave me a licence for keeping with hog's-lard and flour; and tbis to make him a disorderly house ; upon condition, that I should killing. It is the same vanity, the same follo, never make hard bargains with the clergy, that he the same vice, only appearing different, as is should have a bottle of sack every morning, and the through the glass of sashion. In a word, all mua liberty of confessing which of my girls he thought are a proper in private every night. I had continued, for "Sure the woman is dreaming," interruptei several years to pay this tribute ; and he, it must be None of your reflections, Mrs. Quickly, it ; confessed, continued as rigorously to exact it. I love me; they only give me the spleen. Tel? grew old insensibly; my customers continued, how your history at once. I love stories, but hate. La ever, to compliment my looks while I was by, but soning." I could hear them say I was wearing when my back “ If you please then, sir," returned my completo was turned. The prior, however, still was constant, I'll read you an abstract, which I made a da and so were half his convent: but one fatal morning hundred volumes I mentioned just now." he missed the usual beverage ; for I had incautiously “My body was no sooner laid in the dust, M. drank over night the last boule myself. What will the prior and several of his convent came to you have on't?—The very next day Doll Tearsheet the tavern from the pollutions with which the and I were sent to the house of correction, and ac- i had filled it. Masses were said in every pa cused of keeping a low bawdy-house. In short, we lics were exposed upon every piece of but were so well purified there with stripes, mortification and the whole house washed with a deluge and penance, that we were afterwards utterly unfit water. My habitation was soon eonve:ted into a for worldly conversation : though sack would have nastery; instead of customers now applying killed me, had I stuck to it, yet I soon died for want and sugar, my rooms were crowded with em of a drop of something comfortable, and fairly left lics, saints, whores, and friars. Instead my body to the care of the beadle.

a scene of occasional debauchery. it was now "Such is my own history; bul that of the tavern, with continual lewdness. The prior led the where I have ever since been stationed, affords and the whole convent imitated bis pious & greater variety. In the history of this, which is one Matrons came bither to confess their sis,

« ZurückWeiter »