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tesnets him, " Pray, Mr. Varmint, why have you bew. He thought of every thing; þut at last resolved not been to chapel lately? I have very sericusly to to spend his time in learning the three hundred lines cornplain of your non-aitendance. You have not of Greek, and the five hundred lines of Virgil, for the allended for nearly a fortnight, excepting Sundays, proctor and Mr. Dean. In the mean time the term and you cannot expect that I, or any man, in the divides; and his companions, or the majority of capacity I hold, can overlook such gross irregularity. them, leave the University for their several homes. However
, you may think what you like, but I am He, of course, wishes to leave likewise ; but he is ill, determiaed to do my duty towards the college, and to and cannot depart before be is better, which the sursee that you attend regularly. But as that has by no geon does not choose should be the case for some means been the case, and as you have so disrespect. time; and even if he were well, he could not go befully abseated yourself, Ir must take notice of it fore the dean signed his “ereat," which he would not in a severe way. I am very sorry for it, nobody more do before the imposition was said ; so he is hemmed 30, but it is an imperative duty I must fulfil. You in on all sides, and has the blue devils, besides a
get by heart 500 lines of Virgil, the 7tb Æneid, prospect of growing hippish. He, therefore, spends and I expect it will be said with alacrity and promp- the time he would have passed in pleasure at home, titude. Good morning, sir.” So here is Mr. Varmint in the shady court of a college, and stuffs himself wid two impositions in hand which must be very with Greek and Latin hexameters, and lives entirely won in head: one, if not said, will beget rustication ; on barley-water and medicine, for the space of three and the other, i neglected, will cause the dean to tell weeks. At the end of this time, we will suppose hiin hun to take his name off the boards of the college. getting again convalescent, and recovering his wonted He debates in his own mind as to whether it is better spirits. He satisfies the proctor and the dean by to get them or uot; but at length determines to see saying a part of each impus., and after bitterly curspractors, deans, and in short the whole University at ing the place, leaves it for the country. This is the ON Nut, rather than look at a word; and
way that many men spend their three years at the "- to take arms against a sea of troubles, University. But, JIr. Freshman, whoever you may Aod, by opposing, end them."
be, I write this for your especial benefit, and leave it Alas! how soon do mortals change their firmest to yourself to copy or avoid such conduct, as you may and most fixed resolutions! How many circum- I think proper. aucus occur to induce them to act contrary to their After the long vacation, Mr. Varmint comes up itsoves, dir. Varmint, by drinking :00 much wine again to reside. His sprees of his first year, and hear the last two days, ratlier prematurely finds him their consequences, have gained him experience, and ad very much the worse from his la' Cyprian ad- he knows how to manage in a scientiñc way. To Senture, and in fact is compelled to send for a sur- avoid gate-hills, he will be out at night as laie as he put. Ja short, Varmint is obliged w get an ægrotat, pleases, and will defy any one to discover his abto coobne himself to his rooms, and lie still on the sence; for he will climb over the college walls, and ufaOn his table are draughts, powders, and lo- fce his gyp well, when he is out all night. To avoid mu; ibe surgeon visits him daily. What is he to impositions from the dean, he will attend more regude all day by himself on the sota'? His friends are larly at chapel ; which, though a great bore, must yet enth him a great deal to drive away melancholy; but be endured and to get clear from the clutches of the mili he has an immensity of leisure time on his hands. proctors, he will scud when there is need; and if folfie muu read; but what? Walter Scott? No, he lowed, will floor the bull-dogs, and bolt, He now is bacts worels, and all that kind of trash. Lord Byron ? twice as gay as before, rides, courses, hunts, shoots
, He has send best fifty times, and he wants soinething I fishes, drives, drinks, fights, swears, rows, and gam
habiliments, he hops into bed, and snores—somno vinoque gravatus, till about six in the evening, and then gets up more sleepy than ever. He dresses; but having no appetite, eats nothing, drinks a glass of soda-water, and walks to a friend's rooms, where he relates his adventures and excites the risibility of his auditors. He then resolves on a ride, and without togging for the occasion, just puts on his tile and mounts his prad. Determining to be very steady and sober for the future, i. e. for the mext twelve hours, he urges his steed along the Trumpington Road, goes out by the Shelford Common, and returns home between eight and nine. He then feels as if he could eat something, and accordingly he does, by way of supper, and retires to his rooms, with an intention of being quiet, and in order to go early to bed. But lo! he is told by his gyp that the master or dean has sent a message desiring to see him the next morning. Well knowing what this is for, he goeth to bed and cons over in his own mind what to say in extenuation of his irregularities, and he so falleth to sleep. Next day, he calls at the appointed time, when the M. C. with a countenance not to be surpassed in gravity, informs him for the last week he has been very irregular, and requires an account of the circumstances which occasioned the said irregularity. For the gate-bill thus standeth : Monday night, out till three o'clock; Tuesday half past four ; Wednesday, half past two ; Thursday half past three ; Friday half past four ; Saturday—all night. His excuses are that he has been at different parties, where he was detained late, and where he has found the society so agreeable, and the time fly so imperceptibly fast, that morning has broke in upon him ere he imagined it was an hour past midnight. This draws down a very heavy invective against parties altogether, and a still longer and more tedious lecture on the dangerous tendency of such conduct, so directly opposite to the laws and discipline of the University; and a conclusive paragraph containing (amongst other things) a pardon for past offences, but with an assurance that a repetition of similar conduct cannot but meet with a concomitant cheque in proportion to its enomity, in either
rustication or expulsion. Thus dismissed the to presence, he recounts this jobation to his sfieu's, wo enters into a discourse on masters, deans, tutors, und proctors, and votes chapel a bore, and gates a to plete nuisance. But is this all? no. He has resolve! to treat the dons with contempt, and go on most go than ever. Accordingly he cuts chapel, and to forth at night sine cap and gown, with a segas in to mouth. He is determined to have a lark with two a three more, and away they go. While they are pull ing the girls about in the street, up comes the Fo tor: “Pray, sir, may I ask if you are a member the University 1"—“Yes, sir, I am.”—“Your as and college, sir, if you please.” It is given witho the least hesitation. The next morning a bull & calls on Mr. Varmint to deliver a message from t proctor, viz —That he is fined 6s. 8d. for being in" streets without his cap and gown, and that he wo be glad to see him at twelve o'clock that day. M he has to call on the proctor, and in he goes with very surly countenance. The proctor puts on cut his most severe phizzes, and informs him that conduct in the streets last night was most ungeman-like and improper, against every rule o and propriety, and in open opposition to the Acado discipline, and contempt of . and his office. I such conduct deserved much sevcier chassisrthan he was willing to inflict, but that he shout neglecting the duty he owed to his othce and University if he overlocked it. He therefore do him to get three hundred verses of Homer's 1 Book second, by heart, and requests he will v. means leave the University until it is said, a a great deal of opposition, excuses, and protests: he finds himself not a bit better of, for the pa will not mitigate a syllable, and he is obit a stomach the impos. and retire. For the first by two afterwards he makes himself very uneasy this, but he at length resolves not to learn it ever should be the consequence. He thereion out to a party, makes himself very merry, and not a fig about the matter. Next morning be pens, unlucky wig" ' to meet with the dean,
accosts him, “Pray, Mr. Warmint, why have you not been to chapel lately? I have very seriously to complain of your non-attendance. You have not attended for nearly a fortnight, excepting Sundays, and you cannot expect that I, or any man, in the opacity I hold, can oyerlook such gross irregularity. However, you may think what you like, but I am determined to do my duty towards the college, and to see that you attend regularly. But as that has by no means been the case, and as you have so disrespect. fully absented yourself, I really must take notice of it in a severe way. I am very sorry for it, nobody more so, but it is an imperative duty I must fulfil. You will get by heart 500 lines of Virgil, the 7th AEneid, and I expect it will be said with alacrity and prompto le. Good morning, sir.” So here is Mr. Warmint with two impositions in hand which must be very *oa in head: one, if not said, will beget rustication; oad the other, if neglected, will cause the dean to teii bia, to take his maine off the boards of the college. He debates in his own mind as to whether it is better to get then or uot ; but at leugth determines to see Proctors, deans, and in short the whole University at old Nick, rather than look at a word; and “– to take arms against a sea of troubles, And, by opposing, end them.” Alas! how soon do mortals change their firmest ud most fixed resolutions! How many circumauces occur to induce them to act contrary to their oves. Mr. Varmint, by drinking too much wine * the last two days, rather prematurely finds himof very much the worse from his la'. Cyprian adentares, and in fact is compelled to send for a surou. In sirort. Varunint is obliged to get an argrotat, waine himself to his rooms, and lie still on the * On his table are draughts, powders, and lo*; the surgeon visits him daily. What is he to o, by "himself on the soft'. His friends are o, him a great deal to drive away melancholy ; but * he has an inninensity of leisure time on his hands. must read; but what? Walter Scott? No, he was novels, and all that kind of trash. Lord Byron 1 jo read him fifty times, and he wants something
new. He thought of eyerything; but at last resolved to spend his time in learning the three hundred lines of Greek, and the five hundred lines of Virgil, for the proctor and Mr. Dean. In the mean time the term divides; and his companions, or the majority of them, leave the University for their o homes. He, of course, wishes to leave likewise; but he is ill, and cannot depart before he is better, which the surgeon does not choose should be the case for some time; and even if he were well, he could not go before the dean signed his “ereat,” which he would not do before the imposition was said; so he is hemmed in on all sides, and has the blue devils, besides a prospect of growing hippish. He, therefore, o: the time he would have passed in pleasure at home, in the shady court of a college, and stuffs himself with Greek and Latin hexameters, and lives entirely on barley-water and medicine, for the space of three weeks. At the end of this time, we will suppose him getting again convalescent, and recovering his wonted spirits. He satisfies the proctor and the dean by saying a part of each impos., and after bitterly cursing the place, leaves it for the country. This is the way that many men spend their three years at the University. But, Mr. Freshman, whoever you ma be, I write this for your especial benefit, and leave it to yourself to copy or avoid such conduct, as you may think proper. After the long vacation, Mr. Varmint comes up again to reside. His sprees of his first year, and their consequences, have gained him experience, and he knows how to manage in a scientific way. To avoid gate-bills, he will be out at night as late as he pleases, and will defy any one to discover his absence; for he will climb over the college walls, and fee his gyp well, when he is out all night. To avoid impositions from the dean, he will attend more regularly at chapel; which, though a great bore, must yet be endured; and to get clear from the clutches of the proctors, he will scud when there is need; and if sollowed, will floor the bull-dogs, and bolt. He now is twice as gay as before, rides, courses, hunts, shoots, fishes, drives, drinks, fights, swears, rows, and gain
bles, more than ever. He dresses still more like an and a haif at dinner ; and afterwards set to, and get eccentric fancy man, and acts yet more unlike what most awfully drunk, each man having floored upwards he ought to do, and thus he passes his terms. But of three bottles of port, independent of champagne now comes the time when he is to be examined for and madeira at dinner, or burgundy and claret. Thus the Little-go; and about three weeks before the exa- they conclude the last feast they shall ever have to mination he begias to read. He finds himself un- gether at college, and another fortnight sees them equal to the task, without cramming. He in conse- all, perhaps, waited far from the University, some el quence engages a common tutor, and buys all the then for ever. cram-books published for the occasion. After read Farewell to the towers ! farewell to the bowers! ing himself ill, he goes in ; and by the greatest luck Where the sage wizard Art all his charms hata in the world happens to pass. This puts him in high display'd ; spirits again, and he gives a large Spread, and gets And sweei science cowers, amongst blooming flowers, drunk on the strength of it. Ile continues to have a In gay robes of glory majestic array'd. private tutor for the remainder of his residence, and Farewell, banks of Camus ! ye fair scenes of Ulisses, reads with him about one day in a term, until the last The Muse, Loves', and Graces' invincible seat! term in his third year, when he is obliged to read for Your silver soft stream, like the tide of Illyssus, his degree of Bachelor of Arts. Accustomed to mirth and gaiety, and to all kinds of sporting pursuits, never Ye cloisters low bending, and proudly extending,
Aye, fresher than airs of Hygeia's retreat. having opened a single mathematical book since his residence, knowing Euclid only by name, and Algebra The spirit befriending, as softly descending,
To cherish young Genius and Tasie in your loonu still less, if possible; not being a dab at Latin or Greek; in short, never having professed to be a read
It mounts in pure incense to Heav'o's vaulted dose. ing man, Mr. Varmint begins to encounter all the From you I must sever; then farewell for ever difficulties attending on such a career, when near its
Each heart-hunour'd object that swell my las termination in severe study. He has now recourse
theme; to his private tutor, who finds him miserably defi- | The world is a field I must enter, but never cient; and to work they both go, the one cramming, Can ought charm my soul like your shade Acedia! and the other unable to swallow a mouthful. . He falls This is one way of proceeding to the degree di ill by reading hard, being so unused to it, and gives B. A. The “ reading man" goes to work in qede it up for a week, then sets to again, and so goes on till another style. He attends lectures regularly, deve the day of examination, when he may perhaps muster misses chapel, dipes nearly always in hall, tako up resolution enough to go into the Senate-house. If moderate exercise, is rarely out of college after the he does go in, and is well enough crammed, he gets gates are shut, reads twelve hours a day, strives tarah a station amongst the apostles ; if not, he may per- to get prizes and medals, always obtains a sciarchance be plucked. But if he does not think he shall ship, seldom gets " a little the worse for liquor."" be able to go through, he reads on a little longer, and gives no swell parties, runs very little into debt, tas goes out at a by-term. This is his career at college ; his cup of bitch at night, and goes quietly to bola what it may be in after-life, is quite another atlair. thus he passes his time in a way a Varmmt maar When he has got his degree in either of these ways, would despise. These are the men who run oti vus with the rest of his companions, he sits down with all all the prizes and obtain wranglers' degrees, no pot of them, about forty or fifty, to a most glorious spread, inade fellows and tutors, and who become eventy ordered from the college cook, to be served up in the the principal men in the University. But the u most swell style possible. They are about two hours by no means the most gifted men, the men of its
KNOWING A MAN.
ADVICE TO A POOR. GENTLEMAN.
most brilliant talent, or greatest genius. But they | Empire to his Royal Highness, exclaimed, to the no are the steady men, who owe all their knowledge to small mortification of the historian, “What another hard reading, and desperate perseverance in study. d—d big book, Mr. Gibbon ? hey?" Of course there are many-very many exceptions ; but what I state is for the most part the case. I conclude this account by stating, that many things in it covstruction. “ Do you know such a one ?" i. e. Are
To know, is a word which is very liable to misare estequated, but nought set down in malice;" you upon terms of great intimacy ?--and, Do you and die observant student of a twelvemontli's stand wish to acknowledge him as your friend ? Though a ing in the University, if his acquaintance is at all buck and a quiz, or raff, were to dine together at the extensive, will find the truth of my assertions.
same table every day-to meet together, continually, TRE MISER'S DEATH-BED.
at wine parties-nay, keep together in the same stairAn old gentleman was on his death-bed. The case ;--yet, if the former were asked,—Whether he whole family, and Dick among the number, gather- knew either of the latter ? he would answer with all ed around him. “I leave my second son, Andrew,” imaginable coolness and composure, in the negative!. said the expiring miser," my whole estate, and desire
" There is such a man, but I don't know him." him to be frugal.” Andrew, in a sorrowfut tone, as is usual on these occasions, prayed heaven to prolong To ward off the gripe of poverty, you must pretend bus life and health to enjoy it himself. “I recom- to be a stranger to her, and she will at least use you mend Simon, my third son, to the care of his elder with ceremony. If you be caught dining upon a brother, and leave him beside four thousand pounds." halfpenny porringer of peas-soup and potatoes, praise “ Ab, farber,” cried Simon, (in great affliction to be the wholesomeness of your frugal repast. You may sure) " may heaven give you life and health to enjoy observe, that Dr. Cheyne has prescribed pease-broth it yourself.” At last, turning to poor Dick, "As for for the gravel; hint that you are not one of those who you, you have always been a sad dog ; you'll never are always making a deity of your belly. Il, again, come to good ; you'll never be rich ; I'll leave you a you are obliged to wear a flimsy stuff in the midst of alliog to buy a halter." "Ah, father," cried Dick, winter, be the first to remark, that stuffs are very without any emotion, "may heaven give you life and much worn at Paris ; or, if there be found some irrebealth to enjoy it yourself.'
parable defects in any part of your equipage, which EXERCISE FOR YOUNG LOGICIANS.
cannot be concealed by all the arts of sitting crossNo cat has two tails,
legged, coaxing, or darning, say, that neither you nor
Sampson Gideon were ever very fond of dress. If you A cat has one tail more than no cat,
be a philosopher, hint that Plato or Seneca are the Ergo. A cat has three tails.
tailors you choose to employ ; assure the company INGRAM ON A CANTAB WHO WAS Pluck'd for that man ought to be content with a bare covering,
since what now is so much his pride, was formerly Sed cut off his queue, and was powder'd with care,
bis shame. In short, however caught, never give out; Yet sadly mistaken was Ned,
but ascribe to the frugality of your disposition what Fur tho' he had taken such pains with his hair,
others might be apt to attribute to the narrowness of The bishop found fault with his head.
your circumstances. To be poor, and to seem poor,
is a certain method never to rise : pride in the great A GREAT BOOK A GREAT EVIL.
is hateful. in the wise, it is ridiculous; but beggarly The late Duke of Cumberland, when Gibbon tri- pride is a rational vanity, which I have been taught wpicantly presented the last volume of his Roman lio applaud and excuse.