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THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

M.-Honest men, howe'er ill-fed,:

Are God's best works,' our bard hath said,
(Ramsay, or Pope, I know not which ;)
But, sir, I am a Thâne, and rich.
4.-Was Pope a Scot?

M.-He had the itch,

The symptom national: which I
Deem the true cause and reason why
We ne'er stand still, or stay at home,
But scratch and boo, and fidge and roam.
4.-Scotland, indeed, though poor and cold,
Is fam'd for brimstone,

M.-And for gold.

4. Then, is it true that Scotchmen eat
Saw-dust on holidays, and treat
Invited guests with bracken broth ?
M-Tis true that I have tasted both.
4-Bat, living in a frogal way,
You touch not dainties every-day.
Books have inform'd us, you regale
On buttermilk and whey turn'd stale,
If heat on being rather merry;

And gode Kail-wash with yeast, if very.
Yet Burns beat hemp and flax, 'tis said;
And did not Allan shave for bread?

-Our bards are lords and knights, keep
mustard.

Have meat o' Sundays, sometimes custard,
And will, till time's long race is run,
Be squires and gentlemen at least:
See Byron's hand, who roams abroad,
And rhymes at ease upon the road?
While in chaste wit he beats, I ween,
Our Swift, Saint Andrew's gentle dean.
4-Was Swift a Scot?

M.-I am his brother.

4.-Was Locke a Scot?

M.-He was the other:

Ye ken, moo, we were breethren three.
A-And Locke was bottle-nos'd like thee.
Was Shakspeare, who wrote plays by dozens,
A Sawney?

M.-We were second cousins.
4-But Milton never saw Tam-Tallan,

M.-No, but he stole his thoughts fra' Allan,
4.-And Newton was an Englishman...
M.-What! ken ye no' Mac Newton's clan?
Beside, all Scotland kens, 'tis true,
Black taught him more-

4.-Than both e'er knew.
Did your bespaniel'd land give birth.
To any other men of worth?

M.-The noblest men that glory knows.
Were true-born Scots, all history shews
In proof, I need but name Buchanan,
But th' Mantuan bard was born in Annan,
And, as it was in ancient days,
Still Scotland's soil brings crops of praise.
My nephew, Chantrey, hath no peer
In sculpture as an engineer,

Walt hath no rival, no, not any;
In time past, present, or to come,

What architect approaches Rennie?
Who built St. Peter's church at Rome.
4.-Land of the never-wearied boo!
Sweet Scotland, weel I sniff thee noo.
Bless'd clime of purity i' the mire!
What back of southern breed can tire
A Scotchman's tongue, or Scotch Review,
When Sawney gars old thoughts look new;
And in thy learned praise exhale

Boil'd kail-runts chopp'd, the fresh and stale?
In gude Scotch songs, Scotch tracts, Scotch news,
Scoth plays, Scotch novels, Scotch reviews,
What do thy miekle-cheekit fellows,
Thy prudent, booing sages tell us ?
That bracken grows i' th' North Countree,
That Scotch streams run into the sea,
That Scotch worth all worth presupposes,
But not that Scotchmen wipe their noses,
4. And was not Walter born in Scotland,
Though landless, Scott in England got land?
And who like Byron soars and sings?
Ev'n Jeffrey takes his ears for wings;
For him the poet, with a feather

So thrash'd, that Jeffrey knows not whether
The goosequil, which abused him so,
Were stolen from Raphael's wing, or no;

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THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

by force, till they had very nearly reached the nels. It is the quality of a great mind not to be
kene of action; when, by a violent and unani- easily discouraged. The banker therefore
ons effort, they all jumped out, and ran home, loaded his piece; and ere he bad proceeded far,
except one, who was persuaded to follow by the hearing a rustling in the hedge, he let fly at a
servants behind. But even he might as well have venture. The report of the gan was immediately
gone with the rest; for hardly had they hunted followed by cries of Good tack! I am shot!
three fields over, when the obstinate brute stopped as Got shall have me, I'm shot!" It was a Jew,
all of a sudden, to the great surprise and chagrin
of the city sportsmen. They hallooed him on;
they whistled to him; but nothing could make
him move. It was provoking, they said, they
ever saw a dog so restive in their lives. So,
aking a whip from a domestie, they belaboured
"A kick hurts honour more,
he refractory Carlo, who darted into the covey,
nd away went the birds. Before the banker
Than deepest wounds received before."
ould recover from the alarm occasioned by the
As the banker had never seen a magpie in the
apping of their wings, take up his gun and cock
the partridges were out of sight. These were city that did not speak, he supposed that the
he saw that day; nor could he sufficiently whole species was naturally loquacious, and made
gret the bad behaviour of the dog." If he had no doubt but he had killed one of those talkative
stopped," said the banker, "I should have birds. "I have shot a magpie," said he to his
ed into the thick of the brood, and killed one companion, and off he ran to pick up his game;
f of them." His companion made no doubt when, in the passage of the hedge, he was met
be should have killed the rest. On his return-face to face by the furious Israelite. Seeing him
to his carriage, the man of money determined in the nakedness of a sans culotte, and bleeding
y his skill at some sparrows on a dung-hill. from flank to flank, the banker started back in
bot his eyes; and before he could open them speechless horror, The "circumcised dog" pur-
to count the dead sparrows, a pig, which sued and took him by the throat, swearing, by
Lying under the straw, and which he had shot the God of Moses that he would have blood for
head, came running out, and laid itself at blood. The dreadful threat he enforced by the
eel, squeaking most horribly in the agonies most sanguinary arguments à posteriori, and pro-
Matb. And out came the farmer's men with bably would have realized it, if the banker's
and pitchforks; and out came the farmer's friends had not offered him " egregions ransom."
Bad seized him by the coat; and out came At the first mention of money, the bleeding mem-
mer himself, and seized him by the collar. ber of the half tribe of Manassah relaxed his gripe,
ceiving himself thus beset, the banker offered examined the paper that was tendered to him by
nourable composition; but when he found the banker, and retired well satisfied, when he
leas a sum than three guineas was de- found that it was a check upon Messrs.-
d, he demurred, and said, that a pig of and
vize might be purchased for less money in
His companion, however, observing
y were more plentiful in Leadenhall-
than in the country, the money was pro-

deck and the farmer, and the farmer's men, and
armer's dog, retired to their respective ken-

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by Ga

DIRECTIONS TO Ladies on tHE SUBJECT OF
DRESS.

Sound. Let Mrs. Toole, or Madame Bonchar patch all these aricles together, one upon ano{be dash them plentifully over with stars, bugles, a tinsel, and they will altogether form a dres which, hung upon a ladies back, cannot fail supplying the place of beauty, youth, and grac and of reminding the spectator of that celebran region of finery, called Rag Fair.

IRISH LEARNING.

If the weather be very cold, a thin muslin gown, or frock, is most advisable-because it agrees with the season, being perfectly cool. The neck, arms, and particularly the elbows hare, in order that they may be agreeably painted and mottled by Mr. John Frost, nose-painter general of the colour of Castile soap. Shoes of kid, the thinnest The rector of Fintone, when examining his pa that can possibly be procured-as they tend to promote colds and make a lady look interesting-rishioners in the church, came up to a woman (i. e. grizzly.) Picnic silk stockings, with lace asked her how many commandments there wer clocks-flesh-coloured are most fashionable, as She answered, seven. The rector informed they have the appearance of bare legs nudity there were ten, and inquired which was the n being all the rage. The stockings carelessly bes- This was too hard for her, and when she pattered with nud, to agree with the gown, which stammering about it, one John Patterson, a taile should be bordered about three inches deep with behind her, whispered to her, “Thou shalt ka the most fashionably coloured mud that can be no other gods but me."-"Do you hear, 17, found; the ladies permitted to hold up their quoth she," what Johnny Patterson, a tailer bod trains, after they have swept two or three streets, here says to me? he says, I shall have to oth der to show the clocks of their stockings, gods but him; Deel in hell take such gods.” e shawl scarlet, crimson, flame, orange, salmon, or any other combustible or brimstone colour, thrown over one shoulder, like an Indian blanket, with one end dragging on the ground.

N. B.-If the ladies have not a red shawl at hand, a red petticoat turned topsy-turvy, over the shoulders, would do just as well. This is called 'being dressed a-la-drabble.

When the ladies do not go abroad of a morning, the usual chimney-corner dress is a dotted, spotted, striped, or cross-barred gown-a yellowish, whitisn, smokish, dirty-coloured shawl, and the hair curiously ornamented with little bits of newspapers, or pieces of a letter from a dear friend. This is called the " Cinderella dress."

The recipe for a full-dress is as follows:-Take of spider-net, crape, satin, gymp, cat-gut, gauze, whale-bone, lace, bobbin, ribands, and artificial flowers, as much as will rig out the congregation of a village church; to these add as many spangles, beads, and gew-gaws, as would be sufficient to turn the heads of all the fashionable fair ones of Nootka

LEO X. AND HIS RUFFOON. favour with Leo X. had been crowned arch-p Querno, a kind of poetical buffoon, much Rome. The Pope, fond of his burlesque talen by the gay young men of fashion at the cours sent him choice dishes from his own table," expected always some distich in return. Quer and at one of its most powerful moments, be like other bon-vivants, was tortured by the g obliged to write, in gratitude for a dainty, sent the following:

"Archipoeta facit versus pro mille poetit.” To which the good-humoured Leo added,

"Et pro mille aliis archipoeta bibit,” Then Querno, resolving to show himself super to his sufferings, wrote,

"Porrige, quod faciat mihi carmina. Falernum."

But the Pope as smartly replied,

"Hoc vinum enervat debilitatque pedes"

is sarcastic intercourse may be thus translated: | the sides, into a most pragmatical shape. He had Querno. For millions of poets, the arch-poet a newspaper in his hand, and seemed to be commenting on its contents, to the thorough conviction of mine host.

composes,

Leo. By millions of bumpers, bepimpled his

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Querno. A bowl of Falernian, t'enliven ny

strain, Leo. You'll loose in your feet, what in measure you gain.

DIVINES OF the sevenTEENTH CENTURY,

At sight of Master Simon the landlord was evihands, edge away from his corner, and make dently a little flurried, and began to rub bis several profound publican bows; while the orator took no other notice of my companion than to talk rather louder than before, and with, as I thought, something of an air of defiance, When Selden was a member of the famous as-sheered off from the porch, and passed on, pressMaster Simon, however, as I have before said, embly of divines at Westminster, who were ap- ing my arm within his, and whispering as we got wisted to new-model religion, he used to delight by, in a tone of awe and horror, "That's a perverting them with curious quibbles. In radical! he reads Cobbett!" se of these debates, these venerable sages were ry gravely employed in determining the dis sce between Jerusalem and Jericho; and one the brethren, to prove that it could be but a art distance, observed, that "fish was carried om one place to the other." On which Selden i4, Perhaps it was alt fish." This remark few the determination again into an uncerhurry.

THE VILLAGE POLITICIAN.

I endeavoured to get a more particular account of him from my companion, but he seemed unwilling even to talk about him, answering only in general terms, that he was 66 a cursed busyfellow, that had a confounded trick of talking, and was apt to bother one about the national debt, and such nonsense; from which I suspected that Master Simon had been rendered wary of him by some accidental encounter on the field of argument; for these radicals are continually roving about in quest of wordy warfare, and never so happy as when they can tilt a gentleman logician out of his saddle.

As we approached the inn, we heard some one ing with great volubility, and distinguished ominous words, “ taxes,”—“ poor's rates," On subsequent inquiry my suspicions have been agricultural distress." It proved to be a confirmed. I find the radical has but recently foquacious fellow, who had penned the land-found his way into the village, where he threatens ap in nae corner of the porch, with his hands to commit fearful devastations with his doctrines. is pockets as usual, listening with an air of He has already made two or three complete conmost vacant acquiescence. verts, or new lights; has shaken the faith of The sight seemed to have a curious effect on several others; and has grievously puzzled the mer Simon, as he squeezed my arm, and after-brains of many of the oldest villageis, who had is course, sheered wide of the porch, as never thought about politics, or scarce any thing gh he had not had any idea of entering. This else, during their whole lives. Pesasion induced me to potice the orator particularly. He was meagre, but active make, with a long, pale, bilious face; a ck beard, so ill-shaven as to bloody his shirt far, a feverish eye, and a hat sharpened up at

He is lean and meagre from the constant restlessness of mind and body; worrying about with newspapers and pamphlets in his pockets, which he is ready to pull out on all occasions. He hns shocked several of the staunchest villagers by talk

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