Abbildungen der Seite
[merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][ocr errors][merged small]

219 But Bonniface, who dearly lov’d a jest, 2. (Although sometimes he dearly paid for it,) And finding nothing could be done—you know, (For when a man has got no money, To make him pay some would be rather funny I) Of a bad bargain made the best, Acknowledg’d much was to be said for it; Took pity on the Frenchman's meagre face, And Briton-like forgave a fallen foe, Laugh’d heartily, and let him gol

Our Frenchman's hunger thus subdued,
Away he trotted in a merry mood;
When, turning round the corner of a street,
Who but his countryman chanc'd he to meet,
To him, with many a shrug and many a grin,
He told how he had taken Jean Bull in
Fir’d with the tale, the other licks his chops,
Makes his congee, and seeks this shop of shops.
Ent’ring, he seats himself, just at his ease, -
“What will you take, sir?”—“v At You please.”
The waiter look'd as pale as Paris plaster,
And, up stairs running, thus address'd his master—
“These d–d Monseers, come over sure in pairs ;
“Sir, there's another “v At You please!” down
stairs I”
This made the landlord rather crusty,
Too much of one thing—the proverb's somewhat
musty ;
Once to be done, his anger didn’t touch,
But when a second time they tried the treason,
It made him crusty, sir, and with good reason;
You would be crusty, were you done so much I
There is a kind of instrument
Which greatly helps a serious argument,
Aud which, when properly applied, occasions
Some most unpleasant tickling sensations !
'Twould make more clumsy folks than Frenchmen
skip ;
'Twould strike you presently- a stout horsewhip !
This instrument our M.Art + r. d’Hots
Most carefully conceal’d beneath his coat,
And, seeking instantly the Frenchman's station,
Address'd him with the usual salutation.

[ocr errors]

Adulter Y.
A Shandean Fragment.

“It is a shame—it is a disgrace to our laws— to our manners—to our religion,” exclaimed Yorick, with more than his usual- elevation of tone. My father waked him from his reverie, and expected, from the earnestness of Yorick, an elaborate disquisition on the laws, manners, or religion. He drew, with great complacency of look, and much inquisitiveness of aspect, his chair towards that of Yorick, who pointed with his finger to several paragraphs in the paper, which he had been reading, dated from Doctors' Commons. My father surveyed them with calmness, or rather indifference, My father had been long married, and the subject of adultery was one of those few speculations which had never agitated his pericranium, or produced one eloquent speech, or one pointed observation. My father, besides the inconvenience of the hip-gout, was never, as my mother used to relate, a very fond lover. He had never written sonnets to praise her charms, or elogies to deplore her cruelty. My father had only written—his name to the marriage articles. These valuable MSS. he had all the morning been employed in perusing, or dandling on his knee before the fire-side. On Yorick's exclamation, my father, in hopes of some fresh subject, put

amples,” repeated Yorick, smiling at the or time at the non-chalance of my father, who wo now placed his left leg on the top bar of \o grate, a posture which betrayed a most unito: fissure in his lower vestment, “are a disgratro the religion we profess.”—“ In your church, or Yorick,” said Dr. Slop, sitting upright in * chair, and in a very professional voice, “wo riage is not one of the communions, and throw the immorality of the breach of the vow," cotinued Dr. Slop, with somewhat less fluenty to before “is not so great, as with you marroo has more of a civil nature.”—“The parties,"* plicq Yorick, “ in our church, approach to altar, and, in the sight of God and man, o eternal fidelity to each other, and therefore conceive the adulterer of either side forfeit * claim”—“To a separate maintenance,” obstand my father very quickly, who had for some to resumed the perusal of his marriage artiro. “And the children, you know, Mr. Yorick,” to tinued my father very scientifically. “ Pdear little things, and they are included in to guilt of either sinner?” asked my uncle Tway. whilst a big tear stood in his eye, and his bos heaved with convulsive pity. Mrs. Wadmas bewitching looks came across my uncle Too imagination. Her age, which had not passed a probability of being a mother, and ber viva; ) which had created certain doubts and appress sions in the bosom of an old bachelet with wound in his groin, all rushed at the same to upon his reservoir of ideas, and the tone of voice was so elegiac, and the mode of puttiaki question so very encrgetic, that my father's ** tive fancy was immediately on tiptoe i be runs the right side of his nose with great rapidity, as stifling a smile, he approached my uncleo chair, and looking at him.with great earnests. —“My dear brother, has then the are Mrs. Wi man dome us the honour?”—“The later" repea my uncle with great surprise. My fathe; c. his inference, and resumed his chair and so,

them hastily into his pocket. “The many ex

in perfect composure.


" . Ready-MADE speech, 4dapted to au occasions.

8tro-Unused, unacquainted, unhabituated, unaccustomed to public speaking. I rise, sir, in consequence of having caught your eye, sir, to express, with the utmost diffidence, my humble ideas on the important subject now before the house. 1 will, therefore, sir, be bold to affirm, and I am also free to declare, that I by no means meet the *as of the nubble Lud. I will not, however, go over the same grounds or commit myself, by taking p a primesple without the most perfect consider. non. But as I am now upon ny legs, I ceronly shall rot blink the question; nor am I at all sessned to meet him half tray, because, on the nt Mask of the business, I was determined to scout e idea in toto; for if, sir, the well-being of civited society, and the establishment of order and *nquillity, is the grand object of our investition, I cannot hesitate to pronounce—Sir! I foot hesitate to pronounce, that I want words to press my indignation at the general tenour of arguments so ably agitated by the honourable *her on my left hand. But, sir, the idea does fattach ; and when my learned friend professed og down his principles with so much method, he proved his weakness by undertaking to Ere the Angean stable, and to perform the rs of Hercules himself. No, sir, I am again to assert, and, sir, I am by no means disinto prove, that if gentlemen, under the circumstances, do not act with vigour inity against the introduction of French les, our glorious constitution, produced by isdom of our ancestors, may fall to the ; sir! yes, fall to the ground, by the imof a Jacobin innovation. But on this head, ripe to deliberate; and I trust the gentlesh whom I have the honour to net, and titute the decided majority of this hohouse ; for whose worth, integrity, perspicuity. , ingenuity, perseverance, otism. I have the most dignified respect,

and in whom also I place the most perfect confidence; I say, sir, I trust they will preserve the privileges of this assembly from the lawless banditti of acquitted felons, who, not having been killed off, insult us daily by their negative successes, and circulate their seditious principles, to the danger of every respectable man in the com munity, who may, by possessing property, become an object of their diabolical depredations. Not, however, to trespass any longer upon the patience of the house, I shall conclude by observing, with the great Latin poet of antiquity, Quid sit futurum cras, fuge quaerere: Carpe diem. LAUG hing PRohibited. To prove pleasure but pain, some have hit on a project, We're duller the merrier we grow, Exactly the same unaccountable logic, That talks of cold fire and warm snow For me born by nature, For humour and satire, I sing, and I roar, and I quaff ; . Each unuscle I twist it, I cannot resist it, A finger held up makes me laugh ; For since pleasure's joy's parent, and Joy begets. mirth, Should the subtilest casuist, or soph upon earth, Contradict me, I’d call him an ass and a calf, And boldly insist once for all ; That the only criterion of pleasure's to laugh, Aud sing toll de roll loll de Joll. Vainly bountiful Nature shall fill up life's measure, If we’re not to enjoyment awake; Churls that cautiously filtrate and analyze pleasure Deserve not that little they take. For me who am jiggish, And funny, and giggish, Such joys are too formal by half: I roar, and I revel, Drive care to the devil, And hold both my sides while I laugh. For since pleasure, &c


I hate all those pleasures we're angling and squar.
And fitting and cutting by rules; [ing,
And dam'me—dear me, I beg pardon for swearing,
All that follow such fashions are fools.
They may say what they list on't,
But of life, I insist on’t, *
That pleasure's the prop and the staff,
That sets every muscle,
In a comical bustle,
And tickles one into a laugh.
For since pleasure, &c.

When Sheriff Phillips told Sir John Silvester, the Recorder of London, that his court in the Old Bailey smelt of blood.—“I’m glad of it,” replied Black Jack, in his stern way, “for it will thereby keep away the rogues and thieves.”

frn Hendon church-YARD.

T. Crosfield,

Died November 8th, 1808. Beneath this stone Tom Crosfield lies, Who cares not now who laughs or cries; He laughed when sober, and when mellow, Was a harum-scarum harmless fellow ; He gave to none design'd offence, So Honi soit qui mal y pense.


There was, at the court of Sigismund Augustus, a gentleman of the family of Psamka, who, in concert with Peter Cassovius, bailiff of Lublin, formed a society which the Polish writers call “The Republic of Babine;” and which the Germans denominate “The Society of Fools.” This society had its king, its chancellor, its counsellors, its archbishops, bishops, judges, and other officers. When any of the members did or said any thing at their meetings, which was unbecoming or ill-timed, they immediately gave him a place, of which he was required to perform the duties, till another was appointed in his stead; str example, if any one spoke too much, so us

to engross the conversation, he was appointed orator of the republic; if he spoke impro perly, occasion was taken from his subject." appoint him a suitable employment; if, for to: stance, he talked about dogs, he was made ma" of the buck-bounds; if he boasted of his contino, he was made a knight, or perhaps a field-marshali and if he expressed a bigotted zeal for any ‘Po culative opinion in religion, he was made,” inquisitor.' the offenders being thus distinguio” for their follies, and not their wisdom, gave o' sion to the Germans to call the repablic “T” Society of Fools.” The King of Poland, on day, asked Psamka, if they had chosen a kinto their republic : " To which he replied, “

forbid that we should think of electing a ko while your majesty lives; your majesty willo. ways be King of Babine, as well as Poland. The king inquired farther, to what extent to: republic reached : “Over the whole world, says Psamka; “ for we are told, by David, to all men are liars.” This society soon increase so much, that there was scarce any person at cous who was not honoured with some post in it: * its chiefs were also in high favour with the kins.

town AND Count RY.

In London I never know what to be at,
Enraptured with this, and transported with that;
I’m wild with the sweets of variety’s plan,
And life seems a blessing too happy for man.
But the country, Lord bless us, sets all matter,
so calm and composing from morning till night;
Oh! it settles the stomach when nothing is seen
But an ass on a common, a goose on a green.

In London how easy we visit nud meet,
Gay pleasure's the theme, and sweet smiles its
our treat;
Our mornings, a round of good-humour’d de go
And we rattle in confort and pleasure all nigot.

In the country how pleasant our visits to tankr, Through ten miles of mud for formality's sake,

With the coachman in drink, and the moon in a

fog, And no thought in our heads but a ditch or a bog.

In London, if folks ill together be put,
A bore may be roasted, a quiz may be cut.—
In the country, your friends would feel angry and
Call an old maid a quiz, or a parson a bore.

In the country. you're nail'd like a pale in your

- park, . •

To somestick of a neighbour cramm'd into the ark:

or if you are sick, or in fits tumble down,

You reach death ere the doctor can teach you from town.

I've heard that how love in a cottage is sweet,
When two hearts in one link of soft sympathy
I know nothing of that, for, alas! I'm a swain'
Who require (and I own it) more links to my chain.

Your jays and your magpies may chatter on trees,

And whispersoft nonsense in groves if they please;

But a house is much more to my mind than a tree,

And for groves—on a fine grove of chimneys for me.

In the evening wou’re screw'd to your chairs fist to fist, All stupidly yawning at sixpenny whist, And though win or lose, it's as true as it's strange, You've nothing to pay—the good folks have no change. Bol for singing and piping, your time to engage, You have cock and hen bullfinches coop'd in a rage: And what music in nature can make you so feel As a pig in a gateistuck, or knife-grinder's wheel? Irrant, if in fishing you take much delight, * : punt you may shiver from morning to night : And though blest with the patience that Job had of old, * * devil a thing will you catch but a cold.

Yct it's charming to hear, just from boardingschool come, A boyden tune up an old family strum; . . She’ll play “God save the King,” with an excellent toue, With the sweet variation of “Old Bobbing Joan.”

But what though your appetite's in a weak state?
A pound at a time they will put on your plate,
It's true as to health you've no cause to complain,
For they’ll drink it, God bless en, again and
Then in town let me live, and in town let me die,
For in truth I can't relish the country, not I;
If I must have a villa in London to dwell,
Oh! give me the sweet shady side of Pall-Mall.

THE IRISH eating-house.

This is to acquaint the whole world, and all my good friends in Kilkenny into the bargain, that I, Bryan Mullorony, late of Bread-street, and formerly of Pudding-lane, do intend to open an Eating-house in Swallow-street. And whereas it is well-known that the belly is a monster, that has no ears, and, therefore, it is mere waste of windpipe to be talking to it; and if the guts once begin to grumble, if you should even swallow the whole riot-act, it won't settle them half so soon as a clumsy piece of boiled beef, or a slice of plumpudding, he has, therefore, prepared dishes for all appetites and for all nations. He knows very well that a large troop of his own countrymen are annually imported every year, duty free, like their own Irish linen, as well to keep up the breed as to reap down the harvest; and, as they are lads of keen appetite, he has prepared a dainty dish for all such maws. This dish he calis the General Post-office, because there are letters of all description thrown into it, viz. shins of beef, clods, marrow, hogs-pudding, chitterlings, with a train of et carteras as long as the tail of a paper kite. For those that can afford to send nice bits down Red-Lion-passage, he has prepared a table

as long as the board of longitude, that will alway.

[ocr errors]
« ZurückWeiter »