Dry Humour, or the fast-dAY. "Twas on a day, but not the last, When orders for a gen'ral fast

Were from the cockpit given; That men no more in siu might plunge, But wipe all out by sorrow's sponge, And make their odds all even. When soaking Sam, who ev'ry day, To sot's hole went, to souse his clay, There found the doors all harr'd; For Sam the front and postern try'd, But all in vain for entrance ply'd,

A case he thought quite hard!

And hard and harder while he knock'd, Silence within his batt'ring inock'd,

'Till Sally op'd the sash;

And cry'd, Pray cease your rat tat taf, This day we are resolv'd, that's flat,

To fast, and take no cash."

"Why then," says Sam, in sulky strain, "Fast on. I'll rap no more in vain,

Upset me if I do ;

But you're a pack of curst queer elves,
Who not content to fast yourselves,

Must make your doors fast too!"

DIFFICULTY OF ONE IRISHMAN KNOWING
ANOTHER.

An Irishman having one night endeavoured to display his abilities at a public eloquent society, his oration was severely criticised and animadverted upon by several orators in the opposition, and especially by one of his countrymen. When the society broke up, he thus addressed himself to a gentleman of his acquaintance, "did not you observe what a silly argument that Scotch fellow made against me. why, it was your own dear countryman," said the gentleman, how came you not to perceive it?"-- No, surely," replied Pat; "Why then, my dear, I will tell you the reason; you know that if there be two people in a company that have eat garlick, they cannot smell it upon each other."

A QUARRELSOME RHYME.'

One morning, Otway happened to call ap Dryden, (who lived opposite to him in Felic lane), at breakfast-time; but was told, by servant, his master was gone to breakfast with Earl of Pembroke. “Very well," said Otw

tell your master, I will call to-morrow." T next morning be called, according to his promi

Well, is your master at home now?" said be the servant. "No, sir, he is gone to breakfa with the Duke of Buckingham bire," said the sc vant. Otway, whether actuated by envy, prid or disappointment, then took up a piece of ca which lay on the table, and wrote over the don as he went out,

"Here lives Dryden, a poet and a wit."

The next morning Drydeu recognised the han writing, and told the servant to go to Mr. Otway and desire his company to breakfast with him; the mean time he wrote, with the same piece chalk, underneath Otway's line of

"Here lives Dryden, a poet and a wit." "This was written by Otway, opposite." This, however, offended Otway, who told hi he might keep his wit and his breakfast to hita-ed

THE DRUNKARD.

CONFESSIONS OF A BRICKLAYER.

Some trifling repairs are required at your house, send for a bricklayer; he comes, probably attended with a man, to receive your directions, occufying ten minutes. The next morning he sends a workman and a labourer; the workman begins to tot away; the labourer returns for materials, and brings a dozen bricks and one hod of mortar, emplayed balf a day. The job being finished, What was used, Paddy?" enquires the man of the labourer. Sure it is a score of bricks and

heds of mortar," replies the assistant brickLayer. Returned home, the foreman makes enquiry, **two score of bricks, and four hods of mertar," answers the man; the foreman makes a memorandum for the clerk, three score bricks and siz hods of mortar; the clerk enters in his masfer's books, one hundred bricks and eight hods of star; the master, looking over his accounts, ter the entry to one hundred and fifty bricks and elve bods of mortar; and thus the bill is renfered:

Mr. William Lackwit,

Dr. to Thomas Singleton. taking up and relaying brick step in cellar; underpinning wall; plaistering copper; stopping rat-holes; repairing ceiling; self, man, and labourer, one day and a half; one hundred ad fifty paving bricks; twelve hods of mortar ; x baskets of rubbish carted away, 51. 19s. 10d. BL BANK CLERK AND THE STABLE-KEEPERS. Shewing how Peter was undone, By taking care of Number One. Peter Prim (so Johnson would have written) Let me indulge in the remembrance ;-Peter! formal phiz bas oft my fancy smitten, For sure the Bank had never a completer among its thousand clerks,

an he who now elicits our remarks. i was a formalist, a prig,

solema fop, an office Martinet,

of those small precisians who look big If half-an-hour before their time they get

To an appointment, and abuse those elves
Who are not over-punctual, like themselves.
If you should mark his powder'd head betîmes,
And polish'd shoes in Lothbury,

You know the hour, for the three-quarter chimes
Invariably struck as he went by.

From morning fines he always saved his gammon
Not from his hate of sloth, but love of Mammon.
To Number One; his charity
For Peter had a special eye

At home beginning, ne'er extends,

But where it started had its end too;
And as to lending cash to friends.
Luckily he had none to lend to.
purchases so cheap as his,
While no one's bargains went so far,
And though in dress a deadly quiz,
No Quaker more particular.

No

This live automaton, who seem'd
To move by clock-work, ever keen
To live upon the saving plan,
Had soon the honour to be deem'd
That selfish, heartless, cold machine,

Call'd in the city-a warm man.
A Bank Director once, who dwelt at Chigwell,
Prim to a turtle-feast invited,
And as the reader knows the prig well,

I need not say he went, delighted! For great men, when they let you slice their meat May give a slice of loan-a richer treat, No stage leaves Chigwell after eight,

Which was too early to come back;
So, after much debate,

Peter resolved to hire a hack,
The more inclined to this because he knew
In London Wall, at Number Two,
An economic stable-keeper,

From whom he hoped to get one cheaper.
Behold him mounted on his jade,

A perfect Johnny Gilpin figure,
But the good bargain he had made
Compensating for sneer and snigger,

He trotted on-arrived-sat down,
Devour'd enough for six or seven,
His horse remounted, and reach'd town
As he had fix'd, exactly at eleven.
But whether habit led him, or the Fates,
To give a preference to Number One
(As he had always done)

Or that the darkness jumbled the two gates,
Certain it is he gave that bell a drag,

Instead of Number Two,

Rode in-dismounted-left his nag,

And homeward hurried without more ado.
Some days elapsed and no one came
To bring the bill, or payment claim
He 'gan to hope 'twas overlook`d,
Forgotten quite, or never book`d-
An error which the honesty of Prim
Would ne'er have rectified, if left to him.
After six weeks, however, comes a pair

Of groom-like looking men,

Each with a bill, which Peter they submit to; One for the six weeks hire of a bay mare, And one for six weeks keep of ditto; Together-twenty-two pounds ten!

The tale got wind.-What, Peter make a blun

der!

There was no end of joke, and quiz, and der,

Which, with the loss of cash, so mortified
Prim, that he suffer'd an attack

Of bile, and bargain'd with a quack, Who daily swore to cure him-till he died! When, as no will was found,

DANGER OF SCEPTICISM.

Mallet, the poet, was so fond of being thought a sceptic, that he indulged this weakness on all occasions. His wife, it is said, was a complete convert to his doctrines, and even the servan stared at their master's bold arguments, without being poisoned by their influence. One fellow, however, was determined to practise what Marie: was so solicitous to propagate, and robbed his master's house Being pursued, and brought to justice, Mallet attended, and taxed him severely with ingratitude and dishonesty. "Sir," said the fellow," I have often beard you talk of the inpossibility of a future state; that, after death, there was neither reward for virtue, nor punishment for vice, and this tempted me to commit the robbery."" Well! but, you rascal," replied Mallet, bad you no fear of the gallows?”Master," said the culprit, looking sternly at him, "what is it to you, if I had a mind to venture that? You had removed my greatest terror; why should I fear the less ?"

His scraped, and saved, and hoarded store Went to a man to whom some months before, He had refused to lend a pound.

THE MUNIFICENT SAINT.

of his way to the house of a clergyman, who resided not far from the spot on which he was cast. Without communicating his name, or his diguified station, the archbishop introduced himself as a brother clergyman in distress, and stated the particulars of his misfortune. The Cambrian dive suspecting his unknown visitor to be an impostar, gave him do very courteous reception; and having intimated his suspicions, said, "I dare say you can't tell me how many commandments there are."

very meekly. "Repeat the eleventh,” rejuiue! the other, and I will relieve you;" Pai t in practice and you will," answered the primale. A new commandment I give unto you, that you love one another."

DRY HUMOUR, or the fast-DAY. "Twas on a day, but not the last, When orders for a gen'ral fast

Were from the cockpit given;
That men no more in siu might plunge,
But wipe all out by sorrow's sponge,
And make their odds all even.
When soaking Sam, who ev'ry day,
To sot's hole went, to souse his clay,
There found the doors all harr'd ;
For Sam the front and postern try'd,
But all in vain for entrance ply'd,

A case he thought quite hard!

And hard and harder while he knock'd, Silence within his batt'ring nock'd, 'Till Sally op'd the sash;

And cry'd, Pray cease your rat tat tat, This day we are resolv'd, that's flat,

To fast, and take no cash."

"Why then," says Sam, in sulky strain, "Fast on. I'll rap no more in vain,

Upset me if I do ;

But you're a pack of curst queer elves,
Who not content to fast yourselves,

Must make your doors fast too!"

DIFFICULTY OF ONE IRISHMAN KNOWING
ANOTHER.

An Irishman having one night endeavoured to display his abilities at a public eloquent society, his oration was severely criticised and animadverted upon by several orators in the opposition, and especially by one of his countrymen. When the society broke up, he thus addressed himself to a gentleman of his acquaintance, " did not you observe what a silly argument that Scotch fellow made against me." Why, it was your own dear countryman," said the gentleman, how came you not to perceive it?" No, surely, replied Pat; Why then, my dear, I will tell you the reason; you know that if there be two people in a company that have eat garlick, they cannot smell it upon each other."

A QUARRELSOME RHYME. ' One morning, Otway happened to call apon Dryden, (who lived opposite to him in Fetter lane), at breakfast-time; but was told, by b servant, his master was gone to breakfast with the Earl of Pembroke. "Very well," said Otway.

tell your master, I will call to-morrow." The next morning he called, according to his prasie. "Well, is your master at home now ?" said he i the servant. No, sir, he is gone to breakfasi with the Duke of Buckinghamshire," said the vant. Otway, whether actuated by envy, prid or disappointment, then took up a piece of which lay on the table, and wrote over the doo as he went out,

"Here lives Dryden, a poet and a wit.” The next morning Dryden recognised the han writing, and told the servant to go to Mr. Otwa and desire his company to breakfast with him the mean time he wrote, with the same picce chalk, underneath Otway's line of

"Here lives Dryden, a poet and a wit." "This was written by Otway, opposite." This, however, offended Otway, who told he might keep his wit and his breakfast to his