The Laughing Philosopher: Being the Entire Works of Momus, Jester of Olympus ...

So forth he brought a flask of rich
Wine fit to feast Silenus,
And viands, at the sight of which
They laugh'd like two hyænas.

Alternately the host and spouse
Regaled each pardon-gauger,
Who told them tales right marvellous,
And lied as for a wager-

'Bout churches like balloons convey'd

With aeronautic martyrs;

And wells made warm, where holy maid
Had only dipt her garters,

And if their hearers gaped, I guess
With jaws three inch asunder,
'Twas part out of weariness,
And partly out of wonder.
Then striking up duets, the Freres
Went on to sing in matches,
From psalms to sentimental airs,
From these to glees and catches.
At last they would have danced outright,
Like a baboon aud tame bear,
If Jacquez had not drunk Good night,
And shewn them to their chamber.
The room was high, the host's was nigh
Had wife or he suspicion,
That monks would make a rarce-show
Of chinks in the partition?—

Or that two confessors would come
Their holy ears out-reaching,
To conversations as hum-drum

Almost as their own preaching?
Shame on you Friars of orders gray,
That peeping knelt, and wriggling,
And when ye should have gone to pray,
Betook yourselves to giggling!
Et every deed will have its meed:
And bark! what information
Has made the sinners, in a trice,

Look black with consternation.

And pickling tubs; but, reader, stay,
Our host was no man-eater.

The priests knew not that country-folk
Gave pigs the name of friars;

But startled, witless of the joke,
As if they'd trod on briars.

Meanwhile, as they perspired with dread,
The hair of either craven

Had stood erect upon his head,

But that their beads were shaven..

What, pickle and smoke us limb by limb!
God curse him and his larders!
St. Peter will bedevil him,

If he salt-petres Friars.

Yet, Dominick, to die!—the bare
Idea shakes one oddly ;-
Yes, Boniface, 'tis time we were
Beginning to be godly.
Would that for absolution's sake
Of all our sins and cogging,
We had a whip to give and take
A last kind mutual flogging.

O Dominick, thy nether end
Should bleed for expiation,

And thou shouldst have my dear fat friend, A glorious flagellation.

But having ne'er a switch, poor souls,

They bow'd like weeping willows, And told the Saints long rigmaroles Of all their peccadillos.

Yet midst this penitential plight

A thought their fancies tickled, 'Twere better brave the window's height Than be at morning pickled.

Soon at the magistrate's command,

A troop from the geas-d'arons hou
Of twenty men rode sword in hand,

To storm the bloody farm's ho
As they were cantering toward the plan
Comes Jacquez to the swineyard,
But started when a great road lane
Cried, Rascal, hold thy whyund
'Twas Boniface, as mad's King Les,
Playing antics in the pig
"And what the devil bright rout
You mountain of a friar, b

Ah, once how jolly, now how wa
And blubber'd with the vapun,
That frantic Capuchin began
To cut fantastic capers-
Crying help, hollo, the bellows
The pot is on to stew we;
I am a pretty pig, hat no!
They shall not barbacue me.
Nor was this raving fit a sham;
In truth, he was hysterical,
Until they brought him act a da
And that wrought like a mira
Just as the horseman halted wees,
Crying, Murderer, stop, hey,
Jacquez was comforting the fro

With a good glass of aoyear
Who beckon'd to them not to kick
A row; but waxing mellow,
Squeez'd Jacquez' band, and vid
Said you're a dame'd good le
Explaining lost but little breath
Here ended all the matter;
So God save Queen Elizabeth,
And long live Henry Quatre!
The gens-d'armes at the story bra
Into horse fits of laughter.
And, as if they had known
Their horses neigh'd thereafter.

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

Dominick, methinks, his chaps
wn'd weary, worn, and moody,
my readers, too perhaps,
I thus I wish 'em good day.

HECTIC FEVER.

La scoundrelas ever was struck off the rolls. However, as he thought this knowledge might be useful, he showed him his papers, took him to compare she surveyor's drawing with the situation of the, pits, &c. When in one of these excursions, the professional gentleman was descending a deep Duke of Sully was going one morning shaft by means of a rope which he held tight in his amber of Henry IV. of France, he met hand, he called out to the parson who stood at the asy virtue, who he knew had just left top, "Doctor, as you have not confined your stu When dies to geography, but know all things from the Lent of this amorous monarch. the king received him with a very se- surface to the centre, pray how far is it from this Trai enance, told him he was very unwell, to the pit in the infernal regions ?"-" I cannot that, "For the whole morning he had exactly ascertain the distance," replied the divine, ich had but just left him."-" I know" but let go your hold, and you'll be there in a ou," replied the minister, " I know it minute." I met it going away, all in green."

Ab,

Tea SEA CHAPLAIN'S RELIGION.

I Earl of Cloncartie was captain of a |
and was cruising on the coast of
happened to lose his chaplain, who

Creig
The

I am a ol' by a fever; on which the lieutenant, |
The gave him notice of it, saying, at the

Ard

that he was sorry to inform him that
Iman Catholic." Well, so much the
"Oot awa, my lord,
this lordship.

say so of a British clergyman ?"-
d his lordship, " because I believe I

Just a captain of a man-of-war that could|
Crt jnga chaplain who had any religion |

ON A LOCKSMITH,
us locksmith died of late,
ileat stands at heaven's gate;
son why he will not knock,
The means to pick the lock.

TILIS DESCENSUS AVERNI,

Tere clergyman having a dispute concernLading" end for a London lawyer, to have God san shares in different mines, found it zenion with the witnesses, examine the

view the premises, &c. The divine

and that his legal assistant was as great

BACCHANALIAN ODE

Inscribed to James Hogg, the Ettrick Shepherd.

While worldly men through stupid years
Without emotion jog,

Devoid of passions, hopes, and fears,
As senseless as a log-

I much prefer my nights to spend,
A happy ranting dog,

And see dull care his front unbend
Before the smile of Hogg.

The life of man's a season drear,
Immersed in mist and fog,
Until the star of wit appear,
And set its clouds agog.
For me, I wish no brighter sky
Than o'er a jug of grog,
When fancy kindles in the eye,
The good gray eye of Hogg.

When Misery's car is at its speed,
The glowing wheels to cog;

To make the heart where sorrows bleed
Leap lightly like a frog;

Gay verdure o'er the crag to shower,
And blossoms o'er the bog,
Wit's potent magic has the power,
When thou dost wield it, Hogg!

And so they girt themselves to leap,
Both under breath imploring
A regiment of Saints to keep

Their host and hostess snoring.
The lean one lighted like a cat,

Then scamper'd off like Jehu, Nor stopp'd to help the man of fat, Whose cheek was of a clay hueWho being by nature more design'd For resting than for jumping, Fell heavy on his parts behind,

That broaden'd with the plumping.

There long beneath the window's sconce
His bruises he sat pawing,
Squat as the figure of a bonze
Upon a Chinese drawing.

At length he waddled to a sty;

The pigs, you'd thought for game sake, Came round and nosed him lovingly,

As if they'd known their namesake.
Meanwhile the other flew to town,
And with short respiration

Bray'd like a donkey up and down
Ass-ass-ass-assination !

Men left their beds, and night-capp'd heads
Popp'd out from every casement;
The cats ran frighten'd on the leads;
Dijon was all amazement.

Doors bang'd, dogs bay'd, and boys hurra'd,
Throats gaped aghast in bare rows,
Till soundest-sleeping watchmen woke,
And even at last the mayor rose→

Who, charging him before police,
Demands of Dominick surly,

What earthquake, fire, or breach of peace
Made all this hurly-burly

Ass-quoth the priest-ass-assins, sir,
Are (hence a league, or nigher)
About to salt, scrape, massacre
And barrel up a friar.

Ab, once how jolly, now how wan,
And blubber'd with the vapours,
That frantic Capuchin began

To cut fantastic capers

Crying help, bollo, the bellows blow,
The pot is on to stew me;

I am a pretty pig, but no!

They shall not barbacue me.
Nor, was this raving fit a sham;
In truth, he was hysterical,
Until they brought him out a dram,

And that wrought like a miracle.
Just as the horseman halted near,

Crying, Murderer, stop, ohoy, oh! Jacquez was comforting the frere

With a good glass of noyeau

Who beckon'd to them not to kick up
A row; but waxing mellow,
Squeez'd Jacquez' hand, and with a hic
Said you're a damn'd good fellow.
Explaining lost but little breath ;—
Here ended all the matter;

So God save Queen Elizabeth,
And long live Henry Quatre!

The gens-d'armes at the story broke
Into horse fits of laughter,

And, as if they had known the joke,
Their horses neigh'd thereafter.

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

Lean Dominick, methinks, his chaps
Yawn'd weary, worn, and moody,
So may my readers, too perhaps,
And thus I wish 'em good day.

HECTIC FEVER.

a scoundrel as ever was struck off the rolls. However, as he thought this knowledge might be useful, he showed him his papers, took him to compare she surveyor's drawing with the situation of the pits, &c. When in one of these excursions, the professional gentleman was descending a deep As the Duke of Sully was going one morning shaft by means of a rope which he held tight in his into the chamber of Henry IV. of France, he met hand, he called out to the parson who stood at the "Doctor, as you have not confined your stu a lady of easy virtue, who he knew had just left top, the apartment of this amorous monarch. When dies to geography, but know all things from the Sully came, the king received him with a very se-surface to the centre, pray how far is it from this rious countenance, told him he was very unwell, to the pit in the infernal regions ?"-" I cannot and added, that, "For the whole morning he had exactly ascertain the distance," replied the divine, a fever, which had but just left him."-" I know but let go your hold, and you'll be there in a it has left you," replied the minister, " I know it has left you, I met it going away, all in green."

A SEA CHAPLAIN'S RELIGION.

When the Earl of Cloncartie was captain of a man-of-war, and was cruising on the coast of Suinea, he happened to lose his chaplain, who was carried off by a fever; on which the lieutenant, Scotchman, gave him notice of it, saying, at the ame time, that he was sorry to inform him that e died a Roman Catholic." Well, so much the "Oot awa, my lord, etter," said his lordship. w can you say so of a British clergyman ?"Why," said his lordship," because I believe I the first captain of a man-of-war that could et of having a chaplain who had any religion Call."

ON A LOCKSMITH.

A zealous locksmith died of late,
And silent stands at heaven's gate;
The reason why he will not knock,
Is that he means to pick the lock.

FACILIS DESCENSUS AVERNI,
A Carnish clergyman having a dispute concern-
several shares in different mines, found it
sary to send for a London lawyer, to have
conversation with the witnesses, examine the
deeds, view the premises, &c. The divine
soon found that his legal assistant was as great

minute."

BACCHANALIAN ODE

Inscribed to James Hogg, the Ettrick Shepherd.

While worldly men through stupid years
Without emotion jog,

Devoid of passions, hopes, and fears,
As senseless as a log-

I much prefer my nights to spend,
A happy ranting dog,

And see dull care his front unbend
Before the smile of Hogg.

The life of man's a season drear,
Immersed in mist and fog,
Until the star of wit appear,

And set its clouds agog.
For me, I wish no brighter sky
Than o'er a jug of grog,
When fancy kindles in the eye,
The good gray eye of Hogg.

When Misery's car is at its speed,

The glowing wheels to cog;

To make the heart where sorrows bleed
Leap lightly like a frog;

Gay verdure o'er the crag to shower,
And blossoms o'er the bog,
Wit's potent magic has the power,
When thou dost wield it, Hogg!

« Zurück Weiter »

Books