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When the Earl of Cloncartie was captain of a an-of-war, and was cruising on the coast of usnea, he happened to lose his chaplain, who as carried off by a fever ; on which the lieutenant, secte', man, gave him notice of it, saying, at the me time, “ that he was sorry to inform him that wdied a stoman Catholic.”—“Well, so much the wer,” said his lordship. “Oot awa, my lord, * ean you say so of a British clergyman "why,” said his lordship, “ because I believe I orbe first captain of a man-of-war that could * of having a chaplain who had any religion out.”

o oN A. Locks Mith. Azealous locksmith dict of late, And silent stands at heaven's gate ; The reason why he will not knock, * is that he means to pick the lock. * facilis descenSUS AWERNI, Carnish clergyunan having a dispute concern2 *veral shares, in different mines, found it to send for a London lawyer, to have conversation with the witnesses, examine the , view the premises, &c. The divine

a scoundrel as ever was struck off the rolls. How. ever, as he thought this knowledge might be useful, he showed him his papers, took him to compare she surveyor's drawing with the situation of the pits, &c. When in one of these excursions, the professional gentleman was descending a deep shaft by means of a rope which he held tight in his hand, he called out to the parson who stood at the top, “Doctor, as you have not confined your stu

dies to geography, but know all things from the surface to the centre, pray how far is it from this to the pit in the infernal regions f"—“I cannot exactly ascertain the distance,” replied the divine, “but let go your hold, and you'll be there in a minute.”

BACCHANALIAN ODE Inscribed to James Hogg, the Ettrick Shepherd.

While worldly men through stupid years
Without emotion jog,
Devoid of passions, hopes, and fears,
As senseless as a log—
I much prefer my nights to spend,
A happy ranting dog,
And see dull care his front unbend
Before the smile of Hogg.

The life of man’s a season drear,
Immersed in mist and fog,
Until the star or wit appear,
And set its clouds agog.
For me, I wish no brighter sky
Than o'er a jug of grog,
When fancy kindles in the eye,
The good gray eye of Hogg.

When Misery's car is at its speed,
The glowing wheels to cog;
To make the heart where sorrows bleed
Leap lightly like a frog;
Gay verdure o'er the crag to shower,
And blossoms o'er the bog,
Wit's potent magic has the power,

1soon found that his legal assistant was as great

When thou dost wield it, Hogg 1

the Berkshire PUBLICAN. Friend Isaac, 'tis strange you, that live so near Bray, Should not set up the sign of the vicar ; Though it may be an odd one, you cannot but say, It must be the sign of good liquor.

The Answer.

Indeed, master poet, your reason's but poor; For the vicar would think it a sin

To stay, like a booby, and lounge at the door; *Twere a sign of bad liquor within.

household serv ANts.

The following paper contains regulations for the household-servants of an English baronet, about the year 1566. 1. That no seruant bee absent from praier, at morning or euening, without a lawfull excuse, to bee alleged within one day after vppon paine to forfeit for eury tyme 2d. 2. That none sweare any othe vppon pain for eury one Id. 3. That no man leau any doore open that he findeth shut, without theare be cause, vppon paine for eury tyme lid. 4. That none of the men be in bed, from our Lady-day to Michaelmas, after 6 of the clock in the morning ; nor out of his bed after 10 of the clock at night; nor from Michaelmas till our Lady-day, in bed after 7 in the morning, nor out after 9 at night, without reasonable cause, on paine of 2d. 5. That no man’s bed be vinmade, nor fire or candle-box vncleane after 8 of the clock in the morning, on paine of 1d. 6. That no man teach any of the children any unhonest speeche, or othe, on pain of 4d. 7. That no man waite at table without a trencher in his hand, except it be vipon some good cause, on paine of 1d. 8. That no man appointed to waite at my table be absent that meale without reasonable cause, on paine of 1d.

9. If anie man break a glasse hee shall answer the price thereof out of his wages; and if it bee not known who breake it, the butler shall pay for it, on paine of 12d. 10. The table must be couered half-an-houre before l l at dinner, and 6 at supper, or before, era paine of 2d. ll. That meate be readie at 11, or before, at dinner, and 6, or before, at supper, on paine of tod. 12. That none be absent without leave or goo-e . the whole day, or anie part of it, on paire of 4d. 13. That no man strike his fellow, on paine losse of seruice ; nor reuile or threaten, or pre uoke one another to strike, on paine of 12d. 14. That no man come to the kitchen with coreasonable cause on paine of 14. and the colikewise to forfeit li. 15. That none toy with the maids, on paine 4d. 16. That no man weare foul shirt on Sund = nor broken hose or shooes, or dublett without to tons, on paine of lø. 17. That when any stranger goeth bence, chamber be dressed vp againe within four hoafter, on Paine of 10. 18. That the hall bee made cleane eury daxeighth in the winter and seuen in the summer-_ paine of him that shall doe it lå. 19. That the court-gate bee shut each more and not opened during dinner and supper, out just cause, on paine the porter to forfe-euery tyme l d. 20. That all stayrs in the house, and other -that need shall require, bee made cleane otday after dinner, on pain of forfeiture for one whom it shall belong vnto 8d. All which summes shall be duly paid-equarter-day out of their wages, and bestothe poore, or other goodly use.

OUT OF debt,

You say you nothing owe, and so I say. He only owes who something bas—to pas

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sent to a country grammar-school, and from thence
to the university, with a view of qualifying for
holy orders. Here, having but a small allowance
from my father, and being naturally of a timid
and bashful disposition, I had no opportunity of
rubbing off that native awkwardness which is the
fatal cause of all my unhappiness, and which I
now begin to fear can never be amended.
Sir Thomas Friehdiy, who lives about two miles
distant, is a baronet, with an estate of about two
thousand pounds a-year, joining to that I pur-
chased. He has two sons and five daughters, all
grown up, and living with their mother, and a
maiden sister of Sir Thomas's, at Friendly-Hall,
dependant on their father. Conscious of my un-
polished gait, I have for some time past taken pri-
vate lessons from a professor who teaches “grown
gentlemen to dance;” and although I at first found
wondrous difficulty in the art he taught, my know-
ledge of mathematics was of prodigious use in
teaching me the equilibrium of my body, and the
due adjustment of the centre of gravity to the five
positions." Having now acquired the art of walk-
ing without tottering, and learned to make a bow,
I boldly ventured to accept the Baronet's invita-
tion to a family dinner, not doubting but my new
acquirements would enable me to see the ladies
with tolerable intrepidity ; but, alas! how vain
are all the hopes of theory when unsupported by
habitual practice! As I approached the house, a
dinner-bell alarmed my fears lest I had spoiled
the dinner by want of punctuality. Impressed
with this idea, I blushed the deepest crimson, as
my name was repeatedly announced by the several
livery-servants who ushered me into the library,
hardly knowing what or whom I saw. At my
first entrance I summoned all my fortitudé, and
made my new-learned bow to Lady Friendly;
but, unfortunately, bringing back my left foot to
the third position, 1 trod upon the gouty toe of
poor Sir Thomas, who had followed close at my
heels, to be the nomenclator of the family. The
confusion this occasioned in me is hardly to be

of my distress ; and of that description, the number, I believe, is very small. The Batwo politeness, by degrees, dissipated my concern, and I was astonished to see how far good-breed. ing could enable him to suppress His feelings, and to appear with perfect ease after so painful as accident. The cheerfulness of her ladyship, and the f. miliar chat of the young ladies, insensibly led to to throw of my reserve and sheepishness, till to length I ventured to join in conversation, and even to start fresh subjects. The library her. richly furnished with books, in elegant bindino, conceived Sir Thomas to be a man of literature and ventured to give my opinion concerning " several editions of the Greek classics, in who the Baronet's ideas exactly coincided with E. own. To this subject I was led by observiut edition of Xenophon in sixteen volumes, we (as I had never before heard of such a th. greatly excited my curiosity, and I rose up examine what it could be. Sir Thomas saw wo I was about, and (as I supposed) willing to so. me trouble, rose to take down the book, who made me more eager to prevent him, and hart, laying my hand, on the first volume, 1 puties forcibly; but lo! instead of books, a beau which, by leather and gilding, had been made look like sixteen volumncs, canc tumbling doand unluckily pitched upon a Wedgwood is stand on the table under it. In vain did Thomas assure me there was no harm. I saw ink streaming from an inlaid table on the Tur carpet, and scarce knowing what I did, attemp to stop its progress with my cambric har,' chief. In the height of this confusion we ... informed that dinner was served up ; and 1. joy then understood that the bell which on had so alarmed my fears, was only the half.” dinner-bell. In walking through the hall and suite of s. ments to the dining-room, I had time to J. my scattered senses, and was desired to traw.

onceived, since none but bashful men can judge

seat betwixt Lady Friendly and her eldes: o,

ter at the table. Since the fall of the wooden Xenophon, my face had been continually burning like a fire-brand; and I was just beginning to recover myself, and to feel comfortably cool, when an unlooked-for accident rekindled all my heat nud blushes. Having set my plate of soup too near the edge of the table, in bowing to Miss Dinah, who politely complimented the pattern of my waistcoat, I tumbled the whole scalding contents into my lap. In spite of an immediate supply of napkins to wipe the surface of my riothes, my black silk breeches were not stout enaugh to save me from the painful effects of this sudden fomentation, and for some minutes my legs and thighs seemed stewed in a boiling cauldron ; but recollecting how Sir Thomas had disguised his torture, when I trad upon his toes, I firmly bore nov pain in silence, and sat with my lower extrecities parhol' -d, nmidst the stifled giggling of to ladies nnd the servants. I will not relate the several blunders which I ode during the first course, or the distress occainned by my being desired to carve a fowl, or elp to various dishes that stood near me, spilling 1 rance-boat, and knocking down a saltcellar; other let me hasten to the second course, where rol, disasters quitc overwhelmed me. I had a piece of rich sweet pudding on my ort, when Miss Louisa Friendly begged to ***Me one for a pigeon that stood near me. In u haste, scarce knowing what I did, I whipped • pudding into my mouth, hot as a burning coal; was impossible to conceal my agony; my eyes ** starting from their sockets. At last, in *le of shame and resolution, I was obliged to on the cause of torment on my plate. Sir **as and the ladies all compassionated my mis*tune. and each advised a different application. *e reronmended oil, another water, but all *4 that wine was best for drawing out the ** and a glass of sherry was brought me from wideboard, which I snatched up with eagerbo. oot how shall 1 tell the sequel Wheo the butler by accident mistook, or purposely

designed, to drive memad, he gave me thestrongest brandy, with which I filled my mouth already flayed and blistered. Totally unused to every kind of ardent spirits, with my tongue, throat, and palate as raw as beef, what could I do? I could not swallow ; and clapping my hands upon my mouth, the cursed liquor squirted through my nose and fingers like a fountain over all the dishes, and I was crushed by bursts of laughter from all quarters. In vain did Sir Thomas reprimand the servants, and Lady Friendly chide her daughters; for the measure of my shame and their diversion was not yet complete. To relieve me from the intolerable state of perspiration which this accident had caused, without considering what I did, I wiped my face with that illfated handkerchief, which was still wet from the consequences of the fall of Xenophon, and covered all my features with streaks of ink in every direction. . The Baronet himself could not support this shock, but joined his lady in the general laugh; while I sprung from the table in despair, rushed out of the house, and ran home in an agony of confusion and disgrace which the most poignant sense of guilt could not have excited.


His angle-rod, made of a sturdy oak,
His line a cable, which in storms ne'er broke,
His hook he baited with a dragon's tail,
And sat upon a rock, and bobb'd for whale.


Dean Swift one day observed a great rabble assembled before his deanery door, and upon inquiring the cause, was told it was to see an eclipse. He immediately sent to the beadle, and gave him instructions what to do. Away ran the crier for his bell, and after ringing it some time in the crowd, bawled out, “Oh yes, oh yes, all manner of persons concerned, are desired to take notice, that it is the Dean of St. Patrick's will and pleasure, that the eclipse be put of till this hour tomorrow. So God save the King and his reverence the Dean.”

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