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Lean Dominick, methinks, his chaps
Yawn'd weary, worn, and moody,
So may my readers, too perhaps,
And thus I wish 'em good day.

HECTIC FEVER.

As the Duke of Sully was going one morning into the chamber of Henry IV. of France, he met a lady of easy virtue, who he knew had just left the apartment of this amorous monarch. When Sully came, the king received him with a very serious countenance, told him he was very unwell, and added, that, "For the whole morning he had a fever, which had but just left him."-"I know it has left you," replied the minister, "I know it has left you, I met it going away, all in green."

A SEA CHAPLAIN'S RELIGION.

When the Earl of Cloncartie was captain of a mag-of-war, and was cruising on the coast of Guinea, he happened to lose his chaplain, who was carried off by a fever; on which the lieutenant, a Scotchman, gave him notice of it, saying, at the same time, that he was sorry to inform him that he died a Roman Catholic.” Well, so much the better," said his lordship. "Oot awa, my lord, how can you say so of a British clergyman ?”"Why," said his lordship, "because I believe I the first captain of a man-of-war that could beast of having a chaplain who had any religion 21."

ON A LOCKSMITH.

A zealous locksmith died of late,
And silent stands at heaven's gate;
The reason why he will not knock,
Is that he means to pick the lock.

FACILIS DESCENSUS AVERNI,

A Cornish clergyman having a dispute concerng several shares in different mines, found it ecessary to send for a London lawyer, to have me conversation with the witnesses, examine the deeds, view the premises, &c. The divine try soon found that his legal assistant was as great

a scoundrel as ever was struck off the rolls. However, as he thought this knowledge might be useful, he showed him his papers, took him to compare she surveyor's drawing with the situation of the. pits, &c. When in one of these excursions, the professional gentleman was descending a deep shaft by means of a rope which he held tight in his hand, he called out to the parson who stood at the top, "Doctor, as you have not confined your stu dies to geography, but know all things from the surface to the centre, pray how far is it from this to the pit in the infernal regions ?"-" I cannot exactly ascertain the distance," replied the divine, but let go your hold, and you'll be there in a minute."

BACCHANALIAN ODE

Inscribed to James Hogg, the Ettrick Shepherd.
While worldly men through stupid years
Without emotion jog,

Devoid of passions, hopes, and fears,
As senseless as a log-

I much prefer my nights to spend,
A happy ranting dog,

And see dull care his front unbend
Before the smile of Hogg.

The life of man's a season drear,
Immersed in mist and fog,
Until the star of wit appear,

And set its clouds agog.
For me, I wish no brighter sky

Than o'er a jug of grog,
When fancy kindles in the eye,
The good gray eye of Hogg.

When Misery's car is at its speed,

The glowing wheels to cog;
To make the heart where sorrows bleed
Leap lightly like a frog;

Gay verdure o'er the crag to shower,
And blossoms o'er the bog,
Wit's potent magic has the power,
When thou dost wield it, Hogg!

THE BERKSHIRE PUBLICAN.

9. If anie man break a glasse hee shall answer

Friend Isaac, 'tis strange you, that live so near the price thereof out of his wages: and if it bee Bray, not known who breake it, the butler shall pay for it, on paine of 12d.

Should not set up the sign of the vicar;

Though it may be an odd one, you cannot but say, before 11 at dinner, and 6 at supper, or before, en 10. The table must be covered half-an-houre It must be the sign of good liquor.

The Answer.

Indeed, master poet, your reason's but poor;
For the vicar would think it a sin
To stay, like a booby, and lounge at the door;
'Twere a sign of bad liquor within.

HOUSEHOLD SERVANTS.

The following paper contains regulations for the household-servants of an English baronet, about the year 1566.

1. That no seruant bee absent from praier, at morning or euening, without a lawfull excuse, to bee alleged within one day after vppon paine to forfeit for eury tyme 2d.

2. That none sweare any othe vppon pain for eury one Id.

3. That no man leau any doore open that he findeth shut, without theare be cause, vppon paine for eury tyme ld.

4. That none of the men be in bed, from our Lady-day to Michaelmas, after 6 of the clock in the morning; nor out of his bed after 10 of the clock at night; nor from Michaelmas till our Lady-day, in bed after 7 in the morning, nor out after 9 at night, without reasonable cause, on paine of 2d.

5. That no man's bed be vnmade, nor fire or candle-box vncleane after 8 of the clock in the morning, on paine of Id.

paine of 2d.

11. That meate be readie at 11, or before, as dinner, and 6, or before, at supper, on paine of b

12. That none be absent without leave or good cause, the whole day, or anie part of it, on pain of 4d.

13. That no man strike his fellow, on paine losse of seruice; nor reuile or threaten, or par uoke one another to strike, on paine of 12d.

14. That no man come to the kitchen witho reasonable cause on paine of Id. and the co likewise to forfeit Id.

4d.

15. That none toy with the maids, on paine

16. That no man weare foul shirt on Sund.. nor broken hose or shooes, or dublett without b tons, on paine of Id.

17. That when any stranger goeth bence, chamber be dressed vp againe within four ho after, on paine of Id.

18. That the hall bee made cleane eury day eighth in the winter and seuen in the summer, paine of him that shall doe it Id.

19. That the court-gate bee shut each e and not opened during dinner and supper, out just cause, on paine the porter to forse: euery tyme ld.

20. That all stayrs in the house, and other that need shall require, bee made cleane one whom it shall belong vnto 3d. day after dinner, on pain of forfeiture for

6. That no man teach any of the children any unhonest speeche, or othe, on pain of 4d. All which summes shall be duly paide 7. That no man waite at table without a tren-quarter-day out of their wages, and besto cher in his hand, except it be vppon some good the poore, or other goodly use. cause, on paine of 1d.

8. That no man appointed to waite at my table be absent that meale without reasonable cause, on paine of 1d.

OUT OF DEBT.

You say you nothing owe, and so I say,
He only owes who something bas-to pag

NAME OF A COACH. A traveller in a stage, not particularly celebrated for its celerity, inquired of the gentleman who sat next him, what the coach was called ; upon which the latter replied, "I think, sir, it must be the Regulator, for I observe all the other coaches go by it."

THE BRIGHTON BELLE,
Addressed to a Gentleman at Nottingham.
No longer boast your midland town,
The flow'r of English fair possesses ;
A lovelier band no spot can own,

Than what our happy Sussex blesses.
Come quit your nest of stocking-looms
And take with me a trip to Brighton;
All that enchanting place illumes

Which heart can love or eye delight in.
And he who there can keep his heart,
Tho' be hath travell'd from Jerusalem,
May safely dare love's potent dart,

Should he in age exceed Methusalem,
Vaio all your efforts to retreat,

Or shield yourself by meditation; Where angels at each step you meet, And ev'ry star's a constellation.

But there's ane lass in prime of youth, Aboon them a', I loe her better;" That's right broad Scotch; but since 'tis truth, I quote the ballad to the letter.

And faith so soon I'm set on flame,

That, ope my heart this very minute,
Depend on't, Dick, you'd find her name
Engrav'd, and pretty deeply, in it.
&face and form to rival Venus,

A sparkling eye of love and light full,
To one could quiz-I think between us,)
The tout ensemble is delightful.

I will not sing her charms in rhyme,

Who writes of her in verse but proses;
For surely 'tis a waste of time,

To praise the hue or sweets of roses.

But this I know, that, say or sing,
The sight of her to me's a sweater,
Yet, curse me, 'tis an easier thing,

To see this damsel than forget her!
And were I not so over nice,

(Or not such brass, as you say rather,) I could methinks give some advice,

Would prove of service to her father, For, sure, were all men of my mind,

His girl might prove a mighty saving; Five minutes gaze on her they'd find

A cure for all their warm-bath craving. And he might charge the usual tip,

For where's the man would grudge to pay it? He sure must be a frigid rip,

And dead to beauty, though I say it.

But soft! too fast my projects rise,
And after all I should but fool him,'
For when thus warm'd at Kitty's eyes
All his cold-baths could never cool 'em.

OXY-GIN AND HYDRO-GIN.

While a ventriloquist was describing the nature of gas, a blue-stocking lady clamorously inquired of a gentleman near her, what he meant by oxy-gin and hydro-gin, or what was the difference? "Very little, Madam," said he; "by oxy-gin, we mean pure gin, and by hydro-gin gin and

water."

THE BASHFUL MAN,

Written by Himself, in a Letter to a Friend. I labour under a species of distress, which I fear will at length drive me utterly from that society in which I am most ambitious to appear ;but I shall give you a short sketch of my present situation, by which you will be enabled to judge of my difficulties.

My father was a farmer, of no great property, and with no other learning than what he had acquired at a charity-school; but my mother being dead, and I an only child, he determined to give me that advantage which he fancied would have made him happy, viz a learned education. I was

sent to a country grammar-school, and from thence of my distress; and of that description, the num to the university, with a view of qualifying for ber, I believe, is very small. The Baronet holy orders. Here, having but a small allowance politeness, by degrees, dissipated my concer from my father, and being naturally of a timid and I was astonished to see how far good-brezd and bashful disposition, I had no opportunity of ing could enable him to suppress his feelings, rabbing off that native awkwardness which is the to appear with perfect case after so painful a fatal cause of all my unhappiness, and which I accident.

now begin to fear can never be amended.

The cheerfulness of her ladyship, and the Sir Thomas Friendly, who lives about two miles miliar chat of the young ladies, insensibly led

distant, is a baronet, with an estate of about two to throw off my reserve and sheepishness, till thousand pounds a-year, joining to that I pur-length I ventured to join in conversation, a chased. He has two sons and five daughters, all even to start fresh subjects. The library be grown up, and living with their mother, and a richly furnished with books, in elegant binding maiden sister of Sir Thomas's, at Friendly-Hall, conceived Sir Thomas to be a man of literatur dependant on their father. Conscious of my un- and ventured to give my opinion concerning polished gait, I have for some time past taken pri- several editions of the Greek classics, in w vate lessons from a professor who teaches" grown the Baronet's ideas exactly coincided with t gentlemen to dance;" and although I at first found own. To this subject I was led by observing wondrous difficulty in the art he taught, my know- edition of Xenophon in sixteen volumes, wa Jedge of mathematics was of prodigious use in (as I had never before heard of such a th teaching me the equilibrium of my body, and the greatly excited my curiosity, and I rose up due adjustment of the centre of gravity to the five examine what it could be. Sir Thomas saw positions. Having now acquired the art of walk-I was about, and (as I supposed) willing to ing without tottering, and learned to make a bow, me trouble, rose to take down the book, w I boldly ventured to accept the Baronet's invita- made me more eager to prevent him, and he tion to a family dinner, not doubting but my new laying my hand on the first volume, I pulle acquirements would enable me to see the ladies forcibly; but lo! instead of books, a bus with tolerable intrepidity; but, alas! how vain which, by leather and gilding, had been mad are all the hopes of theory when unsupported by look like sixteen volumes, came tumbling de habitual practice! As I approached the house, a and unluckily pitched upon a Wedgwood dinner-bell alarmed my fears lest I had spoiled stand on the table under it. In vain did the dinner by want of punctuality. Impressed Thomas assure me there was no harm. I saw with this idea, I blushed the deepest crimson, as ink streaming from an inlaid table on the Tu my name was repeatedly announced by the several carpet, and scarce knowing what I did, attem livery-servants who ushered me into the library, to stop its progress with my cambric hand hardly knowing what or whom I saw. At my chief. In the height of this confusion we first entrance I summoned all my fortitude, and informed that dinner was served up; and 1 made my new-learned bow to Lady Friendly; joy then understood that the bell which at but, unfortunately, bringing back my left foot to had so alarmed my fears, was only the half the third position, I trod upon the gouty toe of dinner-bell. poor Sir Thomas, who had followed close at my heels, to be the nomenclator of the family. The confusion this occasioned in me is hardly to be conceived, since none but bashful men can judge

In walking through the hall and suite of ments to the dining-foom, I had time to c my scattered senses, and was desired to ta seat betwixt Lady Friendly and her eldest d

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

I will not relate the several blunders which I de during the first course, or the distress occaanned by my being desired to carve a fowl, or help to various dishes that stood near me, spilling ance-boat, and knocking down a saltcellar; aber let me hasten to the second course, where Fab disasters quite overwhelmed me.

ter at the table. Since the fall of the wooden Xe-designed, to drive me mad, he gave me the strongest nophon, my face had been continually burning brandy, with which I filled my mouth already fike a fire-brand; and I was just beginning to flayed and blistered. Totally unused to every recover myself, and to feel comfortably cool, kind of ardent spirits, with my tongue, throat, when an unlooked-for accident rekindled all my and palate as raw as beef, what could I do? Í heat and blushes. Flaving set my plate of soup could not swallow; and clapping my hands upon too near the edge of the table, in bowing to Miss my mouth, the cursed liquor squirted through my Dinah, who politely complimented the pattern of nose and fingers like a fountain over all the my waistcoat, I tumbled the whole scalding con- dishes,--and I was crushed by bursts of laughter tents into my lap. In spite of an immediate from all quarters. In vain did Sir Thomas reprisupply of napkins to wipe the surface of my mand the servants, and Lady Friendly chide her clothes, my black silk breeches were not stout daughters; for the measure of my shame and enough to save me from the painful effects of this their diversion was not yet complete. To relieve udden fomentation, and for some minutes my legs me from the intolerable state of perspiration and thighs seemed stewed in a boiling cauldron; which this accident had caused, without considerbut recollecting how Sir Thomas had disguised his ing what I did, I wiped my face with that illtorture, when I trod upon his toes, I firmly bore fated handkerchief, which was still wet from the my pain in silence, and sat with my lower extre- consequences of the fall of Xenophon, and covered tion. The Baronet himself could not support ities parboi'd, amidst the stifled giggling of all my features with streaks of ink in every direc the ladies and the servants. this shock, but joined his lady in the general laugh; while I sprung from the table in despair, rushed out of the house, and ran home in an agony of confusion and disgrace which the most poigON A GIANT ANGLING, nant sense of guilt could not have excited.

His angle-rod, made of a sturdy oak,
His line a cable, which in storms ne'er broke,

His hook he baited with a dragon's tail,

And sat upon a rock, and bobb'd for whale.

ECLIPSE DEFERRED.

had a piece of rich sweet pudding on my when Miss Louisa Friendly begged to In able me for a pigeon that stood near me. haste, scarce knowing what I did, I whipped Dean Swift one day observed a great rabble padding into my mouth, hot as a burning coal; impossible to conceal my agony; my eyes At last, in assembled before his deanery door, and upon instarting from their sockets. of shame and resolution, I was obliged to quiring the cause, was told it was to see an eclipse, Sir He immediately sent to the beadle, and gave him the cause of torment on my plate. and the ladies all compassionated my mis-instructions what to do. Away ran the crier for "Oh yes, oh yes, all manner se, and each advised a different application. his bell, and after ringing it some time in the recommended oil, another water, but all crowd, bawled out,

that wine was best for drawing out the of persons concerned, are desired to take notice, and a glass of sherry was brought me from that it is the Dean of St. Patrick's will and pleadeboard, which I snatched up with eager- sure, that the eclipse be put off till this hour toba. ob! how shall I tell the sequel? Whe-morrow. So God save the King and his reverence the butler by accident mistook, or purposely the Dean."

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