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THE LAUGHING PHILOsopher.

Lean Dominick, methinks, his chaps
Yawn'd weary, worn, and moody,
So may my readers, too perhaps,
And thus I wish 'em good day.

HECTIC FEVER.

a scoundrel as ever was struck off the rolls. However, as he thought this knowledge might be useful, he showed him his papers, took him to compare she surveyor's drawing with the situation of the, pits, &c. When in one of these excursions, the professional gentleman was descending a deep As the Duke of Sully was going one morning shaft by means of a rope which he held tight in his into the chamber of Henry IV. of France, he met hand, he called out to the parson who stood at the "Doctor, as you have not confined your stu 1 lady of easy virtue, who he knew had just left top, he apartment of this amorous monarch. When dies to geography, but know all things from the Jally came, the king received him with a very se- surface to the centre, pray how far is it from this ious countenance, told him he was very unwell, to the pit in the infernal regions ?"-" I cannot d added, that, "For the whole morning he had exactly ascertain the distance," replied the divine, fever, which had but just left him."-" I know" but let go your hold, and you'll be there in a minute."

I has left you," replied the minister, " I know it as left you, I met it going away, all in green."

A SEA CHAPLAIN'S RELIGION.

When the Earl of Cloncartie was captain of a an-of-war, and was cruising on the coast of inea, be happened to lose his chaplain, who carried off by a fever; on which the lieutenant, Scotchman, gave him notice of it, saying, at the me time, that he was sorry to inform him that Idied a Roman Catholic." Well, so much the fter," said his lordship. "Oot awa, my lord, can you say so of a British clergyman ?"Why," said his lordship, "because I believe I the first captain of a man-of-war that could hat of having a chaplain who had any religion

ON A LOCKSMITH.

A zealous locksmith died of late,

And silent stands at heaven's gate; The reason why he will not knock, Is that he means to pick the lock.

FACILIS DESCENSUS AVERNI, Carnish clergyman having a dispute concernseveral shares in different mines, found it sary to send for a London lawyer, to have convenation with the witnesses, examine the bdeeds, view the premises, &c. The divine soon found that his legal assistant was as great

BACCHANALIAN ODE

Inscribed to James Hogg, the Ettrick Shepherd.

While worldly men through stupid years
Without emotion jog,

Devoid of passions, hopes, and fears,
As senseless as a log-

I much prefer my nights to spend,
A happy ranting dog,

And see dull care his front unbend
Before the smile of Hogg.

The life of man's a season drear,
Immersed in mist and fog,
Until the star of wit appear,

And set its clouds agog.
For me, I wish no brighter sky
Than o'er a jug of grog,
When fancy kindles in the eye,
The good gray eye of Hogg.

When Misery's car is at its speed,

The glowing wheels to cog;

To make the heart where sorrows bleed
Leap lightly like a frog;

Gay verdure o'er the crag to shower,
And blossoms o'er the bog,
Wit's potent magic has the power,
When thou dost wield it, Hogg!

THE BERKSHIRE PUBLICAN.

9. If anie man break a glasse hee shall answer Friend Isaac, 'tis strange you, that live so near the price thereof out of his wages: and if it bee not known who breake it, the butler shall pay for Bray, it, on paine of 12d.

Should not set up the sign of the vicar;

10. The table must be couered half-an-houre Though it may be an odd one, you cannot but say, before 11 at dinner, and 6 at supper, or before, on It must be the sign of good liquor.

The Answer.

Indeed, master poet, your reason's but poor ;
For the vicar would think it a sin
To stay, like a booby, and lounge at the door;
"Twere a sign of bad liquor within.

HOUSEHOLD SERVANTS.

The following paper contains regulations for the household-servants of an English baronet, about the year 1566.

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1. That no seruant bee absent from praier, at morning or euening, without a lawfull excuse, bee alleged within one day after vppon paine to forfeit for eury tyme 2d.

2. That none sweare any othe vppon pain for eury one Id.

3. That no man leau any doore open that he findeth shut, without theare be cause, vppon paine for eury tyme Id.

4. That none of the men be in bed, from our Lady-day to Michaelmas, after 6 of the clock in the morning; nor out of his bed after 10 of the clock at night; nor from Michaelmas till our Lady-day, in bed after 7 in the morning, nor out after 9 at night, without reasonable cause, on paine of 2d.

5. That no man's bed be vnmade, nor fire or candle-box vncleane after 8 of the clock in the morning, on paine of Id.

6. That no man teach any of the children any unhonest speeche, or othe, on pain of 4d.

7. That no man waite at table without a trencher in his hand, except it be vppon some good cause, on paine of ld.

8. That no man appointed to waite at my table be absent that meale without reasonable cause, on paine of Id.

paine of 2d.

11. That meate be readie at 11, or before, at dinner, and 6, or before, at supper, on paine of 6d. 12. That none be absent without leave or good cause, the whole day, or anie part of it, on parac of 4d.

13. That no man strike his fellow, on paine of losse of seruice; nor reuile or threaten, or prouoke one another to strike, on paine of 12d.

14. That no man come to the kitchen withou reasonable cause on paine of ld, and the cook likewise to forfeit Id.

4d.

15. That none toy with the maids, on paine e

16. That no man weare foul shirt on Sunday nor broken hose or shooes, or dublett without bu tons, on paine of Id.

17. That when any stranger goeth hence, the chamber be dressed vp againe within four bower after, on paine of Id.

18. That the ball bee made cleane eury day, b eighth in the winter and seuen in the summer, a paine of him that shall doe it ld.

19. That the court-gate bee shut each meale and not opened during dinner and supper, wi out just cause, on paine the porter to forfeit o euery tyme ld.

20. That all stayrs in the house, and other reom that need shall require, bee made cleane on Fry day after dinner, on pain of forfeiture for euer one whom it shall belong vnto 3d.

All which summes shall be duly paide eac quarter-day out of their wages, and bestowed o the poore, or other goodly use.

OUT OF DEBT.

You say you nothing owe, and so I say,
He only owes who something bas—to pay

NAME OF A COACH.

A traveller in a stage, not particularly celebrated for its celerity, inquired of the gentleman who sat next him, what the coach was called; upon which the latter replied, "I think, sir, it must be the Regulator, for I observe all the other coaches go by it."

THE BRIGHTON BELLE,
Addressed to a Gentleman at Nottingham.
No longer boast your midland town,
The flow'r of English fair possesses ;
A lovelier band no spot can own,

Than what our happy Sussex blesses.
Come quit your nest of stocking-looms
And take with me a trip to Brighton;
All that enchanting place illumes

Which heart can love or eye delight in.
And he who there can keep his heart,
Tho' he hath travell'd from Jerusalem,
May safely dare love's potent dart,

Should he in age exceed Methusalem.
Vain all your efforts to retreat,

Or shield yourself by meditation;
Where angels at each step you meet,
And ev'ry star's a constellation,

"But there's ane lass in prime of youth,
Aboon them a', I loe her better;"
That's right broad Scotch; but since 'tis truth,
I quote the ballad to the letter.

And faith so soon I'm set on flame,

That, ope my heart this very minute,
Depend on't, Dick, you'd find her name
Engrav'd, and pretty deeply, in it.

A face and form to rival Venus,

A sparkling eye of love and light full,
(Tis one could quiz-I think between us,)
The toul ensemble is delightful.

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I will not sing her charms in rhyme,
Who writes of her in verse but proses;
For surely 'tis a waste of time,

To praise the hue or sweets of roses.

But this I know, that, say or sing,
The sight of her to me's a sweater,
Yet, curse me, 'tis an easier thing,
To see this damsel than forget her!
And were I not so over nice,

(Or not such brass, as you say rather,) I could methinks give some advice,

Would prove of service to her father, For, sure, were all men of my mind,

His girl might prove a mighty saving; Five minutes gaze on her they'd find

A cure for all their warm-bath craving. And he might charge the usual tip,

For where's the man would grudge to pay it? He sure must be a frigid rip,

And dead to beauty, though I say it.

But soft! too fast my projects rise,
And after all I should but fool him,'
For when thus warm'd at Kitty's eyes
All his cold-baths could never cool 'em.

OXY-GIN AND HYDRO-GIN.

While a ventriloquist was describing the nature of gas, a blue-stocking lady clamorously inquired of a gentleman near her, what he meant by oxy-gin and hydro-gin, or what was the difference? "Very little, Madam," said he; " by oxy-gin, we mean pure gin, and by hydro-gin gin and water."

THE BASHFUL MAN,

Written by Himself, in a Letter to a Friend. I labour under a species of distress. which I fear will at length drive me utterly from that society in which I am most ambitious to appear;— but I shall give you a short sketch of my present situation, by which you will be enabled to judge of my difficulties.

My father was a farmer, of no great property, and with no other learning than what he had acquired at a charity-school; but my mother being dead, and I an only child, he determined to give me that advantage which he fancied would have made him happy, viz a learned education. I was

sent to a country grammar-school, and from thence of my distress; and of that description, the num to the university, with a view of qualifying for ber, I believe, is very small. The Barutet holy orders. Here, having but a small allowance politeness, by degrees, dissipated my concern from my father, and being naturally of a timid and I was astonished to see how far good-breed and bashful disposition, I had no opportunity of ing could enable him to suppress his feelings, an rabbing off that native awkwardness which is the to appear with perfect ease after so painfuì z fatal cause of all my unhappiness, and which I accident. now begin to fear can never be amended. The cheerfulness of her ladyship, and the 瞿 Sir Thomas Friendly, who lives about two miles miliar chat of the young ladies, insensibly led ma distant, is a baronet, with an estate of about two to throw off my reserve and sheepishness, till 1 thousand pounds a-year, joining to that I pur-length I ventured to join in conversation, an chased. He has two sons and five daughters, all even to start fresh subjects. The library beidz grown up, and living with their mother, and a richly furnished with books, in elegant bindings, maiden sister of Sir Thomas's, at Friendly-Hall, conceived Sir Thomas to be a man of literature, dependant on their father. Conscious of my un- and ventured to give my opinion concerning the polished gait, I have for some time past taken pri- several editions of the Greek classics, in which vate lessons from a professor who teaches" grown the Baronet's ideas exactly coincided with my gentlemen to dance;" and although I at first found own. To this subject I was led by observing an wondrous difficulty in the art he taught, my know- edition of Xenophon in sixteen volumes, whi Jedge of mathematics was of prodigious use in (as I had never before heard of such a thine teaching me the equilibrium of my body, and the greatly excited my curiosity, and I rose up te due adjustment of the centre of gravity to the five examine what it could be. Sir Thomas saw what positions. Having now acquired the art of walk-I was about, and (as I supposed) willing to s ing without tottering, and learned to make a bow, me trouble, rose to take down the book, whic I boldly ventured to accept the Baronet's invita- made me more eager to prevent him, and hastily tion to a family dinner, not doubting but my new laying my hand on the first volume, I pulled acquirements would enable me to see the ladies forcibly; but lo! instead of books, a board, with tolerable intrepidity; but, alas! how vain which, by leather and gilding, had been made to are all the hopes of theory when unsupported by look like sixteen volumes, came tumbling dow, habitual practice! As I approached the house, a and unluckily pitched upon a Wedgwood int dinner-bell alarmed my fears lest I had spoiled stand on the table under it. In vain did St the dinner by want of punctuality. Impressed Thomas assure me there was no harm. I saw the with this idea, I blushed the deepest crimson, as ink streaming from an inlaid table on the Turkey my name was repeatedly announced by the several carpet, and scarce knowing what I did, attempied livery-servants who ushered me into the library, to stop its progress with my cambric handke hardly knowing what or whom I saw. At my chief. In the height of this confusion we were first entrance I summoned all my fortitude, and made my new-learned bow to Lady Friendly; but, unfortunately, bringing back my left foot to the third position, I trod upon the gouty toe of poor Sir Thomas, who had followed close at my heels, to be the nomenclator of the family. The confusion this occasioned in me is hardly to be conceived, since none but bashful men can judge

informed that dinner was served up; and 1 with joy then understood that the bell which at fink had so alarmed my fears, was only the half-hout dinner-bell.

In walking through the hall and suite of apace ments to the dining-room, I had time to collect my scattered senses, and was desired to take seat betwixt Lady Friendly and her eldest daugh

ter at the table. Since the fall of the wooden Xe-designed, to drive me mad, he gave me the strongest nophon, my face had been continually burning brandy, with which I filled my mouth already like a fire-brand; and I was just beginning to flayed and blistered. Totally unused to every recover myself, and to feel comfortably cool, kind of ardent spirits, with my tongue, throat, when an unlooked-for accident rekindled all my and palate as raw as beef, what could I do? Í heat and blushes. Having set my plate of soup could not swallow; and clapping my hands upon too near the edge of the table, in bowing to Miss my mouth, the cursed liquor squirted through my Dinah, who politely complimented the pattern of nose and fingers like a fountain over all the my waistcoat, I tumbled the whole scalding con- dishes,--and I was crushed by bursts of laughter tents into my lap. In spite of an immediate from all quarters. In vain did Sir Thomas repri supply of napkins to wipe the surface of my mand the servants, and Lady Friendly chide her clothes, my black silk breeches were not stout daughters; for the measure of my shame and foough to save me from the painful effects of this their diversion was not yet complete. To relieve 1adden fomentation, and for some minutes my legs me from the intolerable state of perspiration and thighs seemed stewed in a boiling cauldron; which this accident had caused, without considerbut recollecting how Sir Thomas had disguised his ing what I did, I wiped my face with that illtortare, when I trod upon his toes, I firmly bore fated handkerchief, which was still wet from the my pain in silence, and sat with my lower extre- consequences of the fall of Xenophon, and covered sities parboi'd, amidst the stifled giggling of all my features with streaks of ink in every direcBeladies and the servants. tion. The Baronet himself could not support this shock, but joined his lady in the general laugh; while I sprung from the table in despair, rushed out of the house, and ran home in an agony of confusion and disgrace which the most poignant sense of guilt could not have excited. ON A GIANT ANGLING.

I will not relate the several blunders which I made during the first course, or the distress occainned by my being desired to carve a fowl, or elp to various dishes that stood near me, spilling sance-boat, and knocking down a saltcellar; ather let me hasten to the second course, where disasters quite overwhelmed me.

His line a cable, which in storms ne'er broke,
His angle-rod, made of a sturdy oak,
His hook he baited with a dragon's tail,
And sat upon a rock, and bobb'd for whale.

ECLIPSE DEFERRED.

I had a piece of rich sweet pudding on my , when Miss Louisa Friendly begged to able me for a pigeon that stood near me. In baste, scarce knowing what I did, I whipped pudding into my mouth, hot as a burning coal; impossible to conceal my agony; my eyes restarting from their sockets. At last, in e of shame and resolution, I was obliged to the cause of torment on my plate. Sir He immediately sent to the beadle, and gave him mas and the ladies all compassionated my mis-instructions what to do. Away ran the crier for ane, and each advised a different application. his bell, and after ringing it some time in the e recommended oil, another water, but all crowd, bawled out, "Oh yes, oh yes, all manner oed that wine was best for drawing out the of persons concerned, are desired to take notice, and a glass of sherry was brought me from that it is the Dean of St. Patrick's will and pleasideboard, which I snatched up, with eager- sure, that the eclipse be put off till this hour tobu.ob! how shall I tell the sequel? Whe-morrow. So God save the King and his reverence the butler by accident mistook, or purposely the Dean."

Dean Swift one day observed a great rabble assembled before his deanery door, and upon inquiring the cause, was told was to see an eclipse.

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