A group of topers at a table sat, With punch, that much regales the thirsty soul; Flies soon the party join'd, and join'd the chat, Humming and pitching round the mantling bowl. At length those flies got drunk, and, for their sin, Some hundreds lost their legs, and tumbled in, And sprawling 'midst the gulph profound, Ventures to address her with mixed sensa-Like Pharaoh and his daring host were drown'd.

The widow jilts him, being full as cautions foxelf.

Becomes every day more gloomy and averse
Fair sex.

Goaty and nervous symptoms now begin to
aim.

Fats what may become of him when he eld and infirm, but still persuades himself he" Joung man,

waters of the ocean, and pushes them up, while the waters somehow get behind the moon and pus down the moon.

WHIMS OF PHILOSOPHERS. Previous to the year 1820, when Sir Richard Phillips published that system of nature in which All which may be called the philosophical com he demonstrates that there exists no power in the mandments of the last age, and absurd as the material or known universe but matter in motion, may seem to every thinking mind, they are eve or that matter in motion is the only existing power; to this day cherished by dotards in philosophy and then illustrates the proximate causes of all and by superannuated establishments where know phenomena on this principle: the soi-disant phi-ledge never advances. losophers taught to the world, and perhaps many of them actually believed in the following most whimsical doctrines:

1. That bodies attract one another, or are made to move towards one another by their own mutual influence or pressure, which is the same thing as to say that they acted where they are not, and pushed each other from their opposite or contrary sides!

2. That in other cases they took it into their noddles to repel or repulse one another, or were actuated alternately by sentiments of affection and dislike!

3. That a stone moves towards the earth because the earth attracts it or pushes it downwards from the opposite side.

4. That the earth thus pushes the moon towards itself on the moon's opposite side, and the sun all the planets, though none of them permanently vary their distances.

5. That the space between the planets is a vacuum, though gas expands on every side.

6. That heat is a subtle fluid coming when called for, and filling up the spaces between atoms, when these are said to be heated.

7. That animal life, is a principle of its own kind, or a sort of rare fluid which gets into bodies. 8. That electric, galvanic, and magnetic phenomena are each produced by fluids which whisk up and down the world, and come at command, on performing certain incantations.

9. That identical atoms of light travel twelve millions of miles in a second, and have fits of easy reflection and transmission.

10. That the moon in some way gets under the

RELIGION AND TRADE.

Queen Mary having ordered her attorne general, Seymour, to draw up the charter for t college in Virginia, which was to be given wi two thousand pounds in money, he opposed t grant, saying, that the nation was engaged th expensive war, that the money was wanted better purposes, and he did not see the least or sion for a college in Virginia. The commis represented to him, that its intention was to cate and qualify young men to be ministers of gospel, much wanted there; and begged 1 Attorney-General would consider that the pe of Virginia had souls to be saved as well as people of England. Souls! said he, dams souls! make tobacco!

OLD AND YOUNG, IN CHAUCER'S STYLE Fair Susan did her wif-hede well menteine, ; Now and I read aright that auntient song, Algates assaulted sore by letchours tweine. Olde were the paramours, the dame full you Had they been yong, (pardie) and she beca Had thilke same tale in other guise been t Full marvellous, I wote, were swilk denșa That, by St. Kil, had wrought much sorer tr

THE CRITICAL QUESTION

When Macklin gave lectures on the d Foote being one evening present, talkin laughing very loud, just before the lecture Macklin, offended, called out rather pet "Sir, you seem to be very merry there you know what I am going to say now sir," said Foote; "pray do you ?”.

NOMINAL EPITAPH.

Dr. Walker wrote a work on the English paricles, which obtained for him the short and pithy epitaph :

Here lie Walker's particles.
DORINDA.

Dorinda's sparkling wit and eyes,
United cast too fierce a light,
Which blazes high, but quickly dies
Pains not the heart but hurts the sight.
Love is a calmer, gentler joy,

Smooth are his looks, and soft his pace;

Her Cupid is a blackguard boy,

That runs his link full in your face.

ACCOMMODATING A VISITOR.

THE PARSON'S BRIDLE.

A youthful parson one day preach'd
Against the drunken, lewd, and idle;
His flock he earnestly beseech'd

On their desires to put a bridle.
The service o'er, his text forgot,
The parson revell'd with the squire ;
Bumpers went round, oh woeful blot,
His rev'rence tumbled in the mire.
"Where's now your bridle?" quoth his host,
He hiccup'd out, "What do you think
I've thrown't away? no, 'tis not lost,
I only took it off to drink."

BOWELS OF AN ATTORNEY-GENERAL.
Mr. Erskine, when a counsel in the Court of
"That he had a
King's Bench, told Mr. Jekyll,

Baron Perryn, having been engaged on a visit o Foote, came at an early hour, to enjoy the pleaare of angling in the pond. Foote, ever ready to pain in his bowels, for which he could get no reoblige his guests, ordered the fishing apparatus to lief.""I'll give you an infallible specific," be got ready, and a chair to be placed at the replied the humourous barrister; "Get made pood-side for the accommodation of the learned attorney-general, my friend, and then you'll have portsman. Two hours did the Baron throw the no bowels at all!” ine patiently. At length Foote and his company rame out. "Well, baron," said he, " do they »ite ?”—** No, I have only had a nibble or two. -That you have not!" says the son of Aristoshanes. What do you mean ? said his lordhip. "I mean," replied his host, "that there is ot a fish in the pond, for the water was only put » yesterday."

WHITFIELD AND THE DRUMMER. George Whitfield was once, in the early part of his life, preaching in the open fields, when a drummer happened to be present, who was determined to interrupt his pious business, and rudely beat his drum in a violent manner, to drown the preacher's voice. Mr. Whitfield spoke very loud, but was not so powerful as the instrument; he therefore called out to the drummer in these words: "Friend, you and I serve the two

LUTHER AND THE CATHOLICS. Martin Luther thus elegantly expresses himself bout the Catholics.-"The Papists are all asses; greatest masters existing, but in different callings 9t them in whatever form you please boiled, nasted, baked, fried, skinned beat hashed, hey are always the same-asses! The pope (he ays) was born out of the devil's posteriors, full (devib,*lies, blasphemies, and idolatries; he is Anti-christ, the robber of churches, the ravisher of rgins, the greatest of pimps, the governor of dom," &c. &c.

you may beat up for volunteers for King George;
I for the Lord Jesus Christ. In God's name,
then, don't let us interrupt each other; the world
is wide enough for us both, and we may get re-
cruits in abundance." His speech had such an
effect, that the drummer went away in great good
humour, and left the preacher in full possession -
of the field.

H

ME STOUT GENTLEMAN.

ROMANCE.

A STAGE-COACH

pinions round a puddle, and making a riotous noise over their liquor.

As the

I was lonely and listless, and wanted amusement, It was a rainy Sunday, in the gloomy month of it, and sought what is technically called the travelMy room soon became insupportable. I abandoned ovember. I had been detained, in the course of lers' room. This is a public room set apart at journey, by a slight indisposition, from which most inns for the accommodation of a class of way. was recovering; but I was still feverish, and was farers, called travellers, or riders; a kind of comliged to keep within doors all day, in an inn of mercial knights-errant, who are incessantly scourtaall town of Derby. A wet Sunday in a coun-ing the kingdom in gigs, on horseback, or by coach. iun-whoever has had the luck to experience They are the only successors, that I know of at the =e, can alone judge of my situation. The rain present day, to the knights-errant of yore. They tered against the casements; the bells tolled for lead the same kind of roving adventurous life, only urch with a melancholy sound. I went to the changing the lance for a driving whip, the buckler dows in quest of something to amuse the eye; for a pattern card, and the coat of mail for an upt it seemed as if I had been placed completely per Benjamin. Instead of vindicating the charms t of the reach of all amusement. The windows of peerless beauty, they rove about, spreading the my bed-room looked out among tiled roofs and fame and standing of some substantial tradesman cks of chimneys, while those of my sitting-room or manufacturer, and are ready at any time to bar. minaaded a full view of the stable-yard. I gain in his name; it being the fashion now-a-days now of nothing more calculated to make a man to trade instead of fight with one another. kof this world than a stable-yard on a rainy day. room of the hostel in the good old fighting times me place was littered with straw that had been would be hung round at night with the armour of cked about by travellers and stable-boys. In way-worn warriors, such as coats of mail, falchions, e corner was a stagnant pool of water, surround- and yawning helmets; so the travellers' room is z an island of muck; there were several half-garnished with the harnessing of their successors, awned fowls, crowded together under a cart, with box-coats, whips of all kinds, spurs, gaiters, ang which was a miserable crest-fallen cock, and oil-cloth covered hats. rached out of all life and spirit; his drooping I was in hopes of finding some of these worthies matted, as it were, into a single feather, along to talk with, but was disappointed. There were, ich the water trickled from his back; near the indeed, two or three in the room; but I could make n was a half-dozing cow, chewing the cud, and nothing of them. One was just finishing his breakmading patiently to be rained on, with wreaths of fast, quarrelling with his bread and butter, and poar rising from her reeking hide; a wall-eyed huffing the waiter; another buttoned on a pair of ne, tired of the loneliness of the stable, was pok-gaiters, with many execrations at boots for not ghes spectral head out of a window, with the having cleaned his shoes well; a third sat drumin dripping on it from the eaves; an unhappy cur, ming on the table with his fingers, and looking at ained to a dog-house hard by, uttered something the rain as it streamed down the window-glass: ery now and then between a bark and a yelp; they all appeared infected by the weather, and disArab of a kitchen-wench tramped backwards and appeared one after the other, without exchanging rwards through the yard in pattens, looking as a word. ky as the weather itself; every thing, in short, I sauntered to the window, and stood gazing at as comfortless and forlorn, excepting a crew of the people, picking their way to church, with petti ard-drinking ducks, assembled like boon com-coats hoisted mid-leg high and dripping umbrel