Abbildungen der Seite
PDF

AUCTIONEER ELOQUENCE.

An elegant pleasure-yacht being sold by auction, the auctioneer said, that it comprehended all the advantages of the most finished country villa, besides many which were peculiar to itself. It had all the accommodations of a house, and was free from the inconveniences of a bad ueighbourhood, for its scite could be changed at pleasure ; it had not only the richest, but also the most various prospects; and it was a villa free from house-duty and window-lights; it paid neither church-tythe nor poor-rate ; it was free from government and parochial tares, and it not only had a command of wood and water, but possessed the most extensive fishery of any house in England.

A philosophic cobbler.

Though not very fond of seeing a pageant myself, yet I am generally pleased with being in the crowd which sees it: it is amusing to observe the effect, which such a spectacle has upon the variety of faces; the pleasure it excites in some, the envy in others, and the wishes it raises in all. With this design, I lately went to see the entry of a foreign ambassador, resolved to make one in the mob, to shout as they shotted, to fix with earnestness upon the same frivolous objects, and participate for a while the pleasures and the wishes of the vulgar.

In this plight, as I was considering the eagerness that appeared in every face, how some bustled to get foremost, and others contented themselves with taking a transient peep when they could ; how some praised the four black servants that were stuck behind one of the equipages, and some the ribbons that decorated the horses’ necks in another ; my attention was called off to an object more extraordinary than any I had yet seen: a poor cobler sat in his stall by the way-side, and continued to work, while the crowd passed by, without testifying the sunallest share of curiosity. I own his want of attention excited mine; aud, as I stood in need of his as

sistance, I thought it best to employ a philow phic cobler on this occasion. Perceiving my \siness, therefore, he desired me to enter and sit down, took my shoe in his lap, and began to mend it, with his usual indifference and taci. turnity. “How, my friend,” said I to num, “can you continue to work, while all those fine things are passing by your door "–“Very fine they are, master,” returned the cobler, “for those that like them, to be sure; but what are all those fine things to me? You don't know what it is to be a cobler, and so much the better for yourself. Your bread is baked ; you may go and see sights the whole day, and eat a warm supper when you come home at night; but for me, if I should run hunting after all these fine folk, what should I get by my journey but an appetite? and, God help me, I have too much of that at home al. ready, without stirring out for it. Your people who may eat four meals a-day, and a supper a night, are but a bad example to such a one as I —No, master, as God has called me into thi world, in order to mend old shoes, I have no be siness with fine folk, and they no business wit me.” I here interrupted him with a smo “See this last, master,” continues he, “an this hammer; this last and hammer are the tw best friends I have in this world, nobody et will be my friend, because I want a friend. T great folks you saw pass by just now have f. hundred friends, because they have no occasi for them : now, while I stick to my good fries here, I am very contented ; but, when I ever little run after sights and fine things, I begin hate my work, l grow sad, and have no heart mend shoes any longer.” This discourse only served to raise my curin, to know more of a man whom nature had a formed into a philosopher. I the refore its sibly led him into a history of his advents “I have lived,” said he, “a wandering now five-and-fifty years, here to-day and s to-morrow; for it was my misfortune, whi was young, to be fond of changing.”—“You have been a traveller then, I presume 2'' interrupted 1. “I can't boast much of travelling,” tontinued he, “for I have never left the parish in which I was born but three times in my life, that I can remember; but then there is not a street in the whole neighbourhood that I have unt lived in at some time or another. When I began to settle and take to my business in one street, some unforeseen misfortune, or a desire of trying my luck elsewhere, has removed me, perhaps a whole mile, away from my former customers, while some more lucky cobler would come into my place, and make a handsome fortune among friends of my making; there was one who actually died, in the stall that I had left, werth seven pounds seven shillings, all in hard ld, which he had quilted into the waistband of is breeches.” I could not but smile at these migrations of a man by the fire-side, and continued to ask, if he had ever been married ? “Ay, that I have, mas ter,” replied he, “ for sixteen long years; and a weary life I had of it, heaven knows. My wife k it into her head, that the only way to thrive the world was to save money : so, though our amings were but three shillings a-week, all she ever could lay her hands upon she used ide away fron me, though we were obliged to e the whole week after for it. The first three years we used to quarrel this every day, and I always got the betbut she had a hard spirit, and still contito hide as usual ; so that I was at last tired ovarrelling and getting the better, and she and scraped at pleasure, till I was almost *d to death. Her conduct drove me at last ir to the alehouse; here I used to sit, people who hated home like myself, drank 1 had money left, and run in score when y would trust me; till at last the landFoming one day with a long bill, when I to a home, and putting it into my wife's the length of it effectually broke her

[merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small]
[graphic]
[graphic]
[graphic]
[graphic]
[graphic]
[graphic]
[graphic]
[graphic]
[graphic]
[merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors]

Quin being asked if he had ever been in Scotland, and how he liked the people, replied : “If you mean the lower order of them, I shall be at a loss to answer you; for I had no farther acquaintance with them than by the smell. As for the nobility they are numerous; and, for the most part, proud and beggarly. I remember, when I crossed from the north of Ireland into their country, I came to a little wretched village, consisting of a dozen huts, in the style of the Hottentots; the principal of which was an inn, and kept by an earl. I was mounted on a shrivelled quadruped, for there was no certainty of calling it horse, mare, or gelding; much like a North Wales goat, but larger, and without horns. The whole village was up in an instant to salute me; supposing, from the elegance of my appearance, that I must be some person of a large fortune and great family. The earl ran, and took hold of my stirrup while I dismounted; then turning to his eldest son, who stood by us without breeches, said, my lord, do you take the gentleman's horse to the stable, and desire your sister, Lady Betty, to draw him a pint of two-penny for I suppose so great a mon will ha’ the best liquor in the schol hous.”—“I was obliged,” continued Quin, “to

rotten potatoes and stinking eggs. The old noblemu was indeed very complaisant, and made me acces of his own bed. I cannot say that the dormitory was the best in the world ; for there was nothing but an old box to sit upon in the room, and there were neither sheets nor curtains to the bed. Lady Betty was kind enough to apologize for the apartment, assuring me, many persons of great degnat: had frequently slept in it; and that though the blonkets luked sae block, it was not quite four scan sin they had been washed by the countess her mother, and Lady Matilda Carolina Aunelia Eleonora Sophia, one of her younger sisters. Sac then wished me a good night, and said, the viocount, her brother, would take particular care to grease my boots.”

ANACREONtic.

Ah! wherefore did I daring gaze
Upon the radiance of thy charms
And, vent ring nearer to thy rays,
How dar'd I clasp thee in my arms ?
That kiss will give my heart a pain,
Which thy swect pity will deplore.
Then, Cynthia, take the kiss again,
Or let me take ten thousand more.

QUEEN ELIZABETH AND THE BEGGAR. As Queen Elizabeth was riding on -horsebarshe was met by a beggar, who asked alms of he The Queen remarking to her chamberlain, to the man followed her wherever she went, quot this line out of Ovid : Pauper ubique jacet. Which may be thus translated: “In any place, in any bed, The poor man rests his weary head "On which the pauper instantly replied, In thalamis Regina tuis, hac nocte jacer-re Si foret hoc verum, Pauper ubique jace r_ “Ah, beauteous Queen, if that were tre

stay here a whole night, and to make a supper of

This very night I'd rest with you.”

HELL AND PURGATORY.

A Venetian nobleman was one day rallied by * Priest, upon his refusing to give something to the church, which the priest demanded for the deliverince of him from purgatory; when the priest asking him, if he knew what an innumerable number of deviis there were to take him he answer‘d, “Yes, he knew how many devils there were in ill,”—“Indeed, how many ” says the priest, his ouriosity being raised by the novelty of the anwer. “why, ten millions, five hundred and leven thousand, six hundred and seventy-five rvis and a half,” says the nobleman. “A alf?” says the priest, “pray what kind of a evil is that *—“Yourself,” says the noblean. “ for you are half a devil already, and oil be a whole one when you come there; for ou are for deluding all you deal with, and bring soul and body into your hands, that you may * paid for letting us go again.”

where's the PokeR

* poker lost, poor Susan storm' *3.11 the rites of rage perform’d, scoiding, crying, swearing, sweating, going, fidgetting, and fretting; Wething but villany and thieving ! -- heavens ! what n world we live in 1 don't find it in the morning, {*arely give my master warning. to better far shut up his doors, keep such good-for-nothing wis, *heresoe’ cr their trade they drive, wortuous bodics cannot thrive.” may poor Susan grunt and groan, upe, never come alone, tread each other's heels in throngs, **e next day she lost the tongs; *alt-box, cullender, and grate shard the same untimely fate. o she wails and wages spent ore-for the new ones Went.

There'd been, she swore, some devil or witch in,
To rob and plunder all the kitchen,
One night she to her chamber crept,
Where for a moment she'd not slept,
Curse on the author of these wrongs,
In her own bed she found the tongs |
Hang Thomas for an idle joker!
And there, good lack 1 she found the poker
With salt-box, pepper-box, and kettle,
And all the culinary metal.
Be warn’d, ye fair, by Susan's crosses,
Keep chaste, and guard yourselves from losses,
For if young girls delight in kissing,
No wonder that the poker's missing.

THE LESS OF TWO EVILs. The doctrine of purgatory was once disputed between the Bishop of Waterford and Father O'Leary ; it is not likely the former was convinced by the arguments of the latter, who, however, closed it very neatly by telling the bishop— “Your lordship may go farther, and fare worse.”

HOW TO SAVE ON e thous AND POUNDs.

It was observed that a certain covetous rich man never invited any one to dine with him. “I’ll lay a wager,” said a wag, “ I get an invitation from him.” The wager being accepted, he went the next day to the rich man's house, about the time that he was known to sit down to dinner, and told the servant that he must speak with his master immediately; for that he could save him a thousand pounds. “Sir,” said the servant to his master, “here's a man in a great hurry to speak with you, who says he can save you a thousand pounds.” Out comes the master, “What's that you say, sir? That you can save me a thousand pounds f"—“Yes, sir, I can ; but I see you are at dinner. I’ll go and dine myself, and call again.”—“Oh, pray, sir, come in, and take a dinner with me.”—“Sir, I shall be troublesome.” —“Not at all.” The invitation was accepted ; and, dinner being over, and the family retired“Well, sir, said the man of the house, now to our

[merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small]
« ZurückWeiter »