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A FAir BARGAIN,
Agentleman, once advertising for a coachman, had a great number of applicants. One of them he approved of ; and told him, if his character answered, he would take him on the terms which they had agreed upon. “But,” said he, “my good fellow, as I am rather a particular man, it may be proper to inform you, that every evening, after the business of the stable is done, I shall expect you to come to my house for a quarter of an hour to attend family prayers. To this, I suppose, you can have no objection.”—“Why, as to that, sir,” replied the fellow, “I do not see much to say against it but I hope you'll consider it in my wages.”
ReASON FOR GEtting DRUNk.
Says my lord to his cook, “You son of a punk,
they don't say, So for fear 1 should miss it, I'm drunk every
Neo Ro CAN dour.
A negro in the island of St. Christopher had so cruel a master that he dreaded the sight of him. After exercising much tyranny among his slaves, the planter died, and left his son heir to his estates. Some short time after his death, a gentleman meeting the negro, asked him how his young master behaved. “I suppose,” says he, “he’s a chip of the old block "–“ No, no,” says the negro, “Massa be all block himself.”
AMERICAN ADVEltt Is EMENT extraord in ARY. Ran away from his wife and helpless family. on Friday last, John Spriggs, by trade a tailor, aged thirty-five; has a wide mouth, zig-zag teeth, a nose of high-burned brick-blue with a lofty bridge, swivel-eyed, and a scar (not an honourable one) on his left cheek. He primes and loads (that is, takes snus, and tobacco); and is so loquacious that he tires every one in company but himself. In order that he may entrap the sinner and the saint, he carries a pack of cards in one pocket, and the Practice of Piety in the other. He is a great liar, and can warnish falsehood with a great deal of art. Had on, when he went away, a three-cocked hat, which probably he has since changed to a round one, with a blue body-coat, rather on the fade. He was seen in Bennington on Saturday last, disguised in a clean shirt.
HUMoURS of A CLUB.
Sir Geoffrey Notch, who is the oldest of the club, has been in possession of the right-hand chair time out of mind, and is the only man among us that has the liberty of stirring the fire. This our foreman is a gentleman of an ancient family, that came to a great estate some years before he had discretion, and ran it out in hounds, horses, and cock-fighting ; for which, reason he looks upon himself as an honest, worthy gentleman, who has had misfortunes in the world, and calls every thriving man a pitiful upstart. Major Matchlock is the next senior, who served in the last civil wars, and has all the battles by heart. He does not think any action in Europe worth talking of since the fight of Marston Moor; and every night tells us of his having been knocked off his horse at the rising of the London apprentices; for which he is in great esteem among us Honest old Dick Reptile is the third of our society. He is a good-natured indolent man, who speaks little himself, but laughs at our jokes; and brings his young nephew along with him, a youth of eighteen years old, to shew him good company, and give him a taste of the world. This young fellow , sits generally silent; but whenever he opens his mouth, or laughs at any thing that passes, he is constantly told by his uncle, after a jocular manner, “Ay, ay, Jack, you young men think us fools; but we old men know you are.” The greatest wit of our company, next to myself, is a bencher of the neighbouring inn, who in his youth frequented the ordinaries, about Charing-Cross, and pretends to have been intimate with Jack Ogle. He has about ten distichs of Hudibras without book, and never leaves the club until he has applied them all. If any modern wit be mentioned, or any town frolic spoken of, he shakes his head at the dulness of the present age, and tells us a story of Jack Ogle. For my own part, I am esteemed among them,
because they see I am something respected by others; though, at the same time, I understand by their behaviour, that I am considered by them as a man of a great deal of learning, but no knowledge of the world ; insomuch, that the Major sometimes, in the height of his military pride, calls me the philosopher: and Sir Geoffrey, to longer ago than last night, upon a dispute what day of the month it was then in Holland, pulled his pipe out of his mouth, and cried, “What does the scholar say to it?” Our club meets precisely at six of the o'clock in the evening ; but I did not come last night until half-an-hour after seven, by which means I escaped the battle of Naseby, which the Major usually begins at about three-quarters after six; I found also, that my good friend, the Bencher. had already spent three of his distichs; and only waited an opportunity to hear a sermon spoken of, that he might introduce the couplet where “a stick” rhimes to “ecclesiastic.” At my entrance into the room, they were naming a red petticoat and a cloak, by which I found that the Bencher had been diverting them with a story of Jack Ogle. I had no sooner taken my seat, but Sir Geof. frey, to shew his good-will towards ine, gave me a pipe of his own tobacco, and stirred up the fireI look upon it as a point of morality, to :-obliged by those who endcavour to oblige me; and, therefore, in requital for his kindness, and to set the conversation a-going, I took the best occasion I could to put him upon telling us the story of old Gantlett, which he always does with very particular concern. He traced up his descent an both sides for several generations, describing hi. diet and manner of life, with his several battles, and particularly that in which he fell. This Gantlett was a game-cock, upon whose head the knight, in his youth, had won five hundred pounds, and lost two thousand. This naturally set the Major upon the account of Edgehill fight, aus ended in a duel of Jack Ogle's. Old Reptile was extremely attentive to all also
From distant climes o'er wide-spread seas we
As oft on Gadshill we have ta'en our stand,
EPITAPH ON A MARSHAL of The KING's BENch. Some years since there was a Marshal of the King's Bench whose name was Thomas, that became extremely obnoxious to the prisoners; one of them, on some occasion or other, spread a report of his death, which gave rise to the following epitaph :— Beneath this stone lies Marshal Thomas. He's gone : ’tis well ; We thank thee, Hell, For taking such a rascal from us.
An elegant pleasure-yacht being sold by auction, the auctioneer said, that it comprehended all the advantages of the most finished country villa, besides many which were peculiar to itself. It had all the accommodations of a house, and was free from the inconveniences of a had ueighbourhood, for its scite could be changed at pleasure ; it had not only the richest, but also the most various prospects; and it was a villa free from house-duty and window-lights; it paid neither church-tythe nor poor-rate ; it was free from government and parochial tares, and it not only had a command of wood and water, but possessed the most extensive fishery of any house in England.
A philosophic cobbler.
Though not very fond of seeing a pageant myself, yet I am generally pleased with being in the crowd which sees it: it is amusing to observe the effect which such a spectacle has upon the variety of faces; the pleasure it excites in some, the envy in others, and the wishes it raises in all. With this design, I lately went to see the entry of a foreign ambassador, resolved to make one in the mob, to shout as they shotted, to fix with earnestness upon the same frivolous objects, and participate for a while the pleasures and the wishes of the vulgar.
In this plight, as I was considering the eagermess that appeared in every face, how some bustled to get foremost, and others contented themselves with taking a transient peep when they could ; how some praised the four black servants that were stuck behind one of the equipages, and some the ribbons that decorated the horses' necks in another; my attention was called off to an object more extraordinary than any I had yet seen: a poor cobler sat in his stall by the way-side, and continued to work, while the crowd passed by, without testifying the smallest share of curiosity. I own his want of attention excited mine; aud, as I stood in need of his as
sistance, I thought it best to employ a philoso phic cobler on this occasion. Perceiving my business, therefore, he desired me to enter and sit down, took my shoe in his lap, and began to mend it, with his usual indifference and taciturnity. “How, my friend,” said I to num, “can you continue to work, while all those fine things are passing by your door f"—“Very fine they are, master,” returned the cobler, “for those that like them, to be sure; but what are all those fire things to me? You don't know what it is to be a cobler, and so much the better for yourself. Your bread is baked ; you may go and see sizhts the whole day, and eat a warm supper when yocome home at night; but for me, if I should run hunting after all these fine folk, what should I get by my journey but an appetite? and, God help me, I have too much of that at home already, without stirring out for it. Your people. who may eat four meals a-day, and a supper at night, are but a bad example to such a one as I. —No, master, as God has called me into this world, in order to mend old shoes, I have no business with fine folk, and they no business with me.” I here interrupted him with a smile. “See this last, master,” continues he, “ and this hammer; this last and hammer are the two best friends I have in this world, nobody rose will be my friend, because I want a friend. The great folks you saw pass by just now have five hundred friends, because they have no occasion for them : now, while I stick to my good friends here, I am very contented ; but, when I ever sa little run after sights and fine things, I begin to hate my work, l grow sad, and have no heart to mend shoes any longer.” This discourse only served to raise my curiosity to know more of a man whom nature had thus formed into a philosopher. I therefore insersibly led him into a history of his adventures. “I have lived,” said he, “a wandering tufe, now five-and-fifty years, here to-day and gone to-morrow ; for it was my misfortune, when I
was young, to be fond of changing.”—“You have been a traveller then, I presume?” interrupted 1. “I can't boast much of travelling,” continued he, “for I have never left the parish in which I was born but three times in my life, that i can remember; but then there is not a street in the whole neighbourhood that I have not lived in at some time or another. When I began to settle and take to my business in one street, some unforeseen misfortune, or a desire of trying my luck elsewhere, has removed me, perhaps a whole mile, away from my former customers, while some more lucky cobler would come into my place, and make a handsome fortune among friends of my making; there was one who actually died, in the stall that I had left, worth seven pounds seven shillings, all in hard gold, which he had quilted into the waistband of his breeches.” I could not but smile at these migrations of a man by the fire-side, and continued to ask, If he had ever been married ? “Ay, that I have, mas ter,” replied he, “for sixteen long years; and a weary life I had of it, heaven knows. My wife took it into her head, that the only way to thrive in the world was to save money : so, though our incomings were but three shillings a-week, all that she ever could lay her hands upon she used to hide away from me, though we were obliged to starve the whole week after for it. “The first three years we used to quarrel about this every day, and I always got the better; but she had a hard spirit, and still continued to hide as usual ; so that I was at last tired of quarrelling and getting the better, and she *raped and scraped at pleasure, till I was almost starved to death. Her conduct drove me at last in despair to the alehouse; here I used to sit, "ith people who hated home like myself, drank "hile I had money left, and run in score when *y body would trust me; till at last the land'*y coming one day with a long bill, when I ** from home, and putting it into my wife's *nds, the length of it effectually broke her